Wedding Woes

Grooms Parents won't talk/discuss/come to wedding
















My fiancé and I have been together for 7 years and engaged
for 2. I’ve known from the start that his mother was a difficult person; she
has emphysema and uses it as a guilt trip on his family whenever/however
possible. Since his parents moved to FL 3 years ago the relationship with his
mother has gotten harder, we are in PA and can only afford to visit once a
year, which is not nearly good enough for her. Every year that trip is ruined
when she decides to drink heavily the last night and claim she is on the brink
of death and no one cares about her.

 At the beginning of our engagement she was very happy, eager
to hear the details and give her opinions. We were happy she wanted to be
involved. All that has changed. Now about 6months from the wedding, all wedding
talk with my fiancés parents has come to a halt. They either completely ignore
his texts (they refuse to talk on the phone so all conversation is via text),
or they will change the subject. Apparently that’s how they have always handled
situations in their house, just ignore it.

 We have come to the conclusion that we will receive no financial
help from them and we are okay with that because the important thing is having
them present. Well my FMIL in her drunken stoopers will text my fiancé about
how she can’t make the trip up here because her emphysema is so bad (which it’s
not as bad as she says, the doctors have even said that). Every solution we
have found to get her up here she shoots down. I’m just about done attempting
to talk with her about the wedding but my fiancé doesn’t want to give up. Does
anyone, by any shot in the dark, have some advice? If his parents do not come,
I know he will be heartbroken on our wedding day.

Thanks for all your help.

Re: Grooms Parents won't talk/discuss/come to wedding

  • A good friend from the early days of TK wrote a book with her Dad (both are therapists) and one of the key elements when it comes to these dynamics is "Blood talks to blood"...  You be there to support him 100% regardless of what you may internally be thinking, but let him handle this part of the situation. 

    That said, health issues can be tricky.  A friend passed away from this and in the final days the typing/messaging was by far the easiest way to connect as it didn't require as much work to breathe.  Disregard the drunk texts as much as humanly possible. 

    I also agree with MNNE that you invite them and give them all the info they need, where they need to be and when, potentially you help them out with hotel/flight, but you go about your day should for some reason they choose not to show up.  Keeping your expectations in check is vital as really, there are some things you just can't control. 

  • This is a tough situation, and I'm sorry things aren't going well.  My mother-in-law had some similar issues, and it took me for-freaking-ever to learn to step out of the situation and stop trying to fix everything for DH.  Your FI's mother was a mess long before you showed up, and it's beyond your power to make her otherwise.  It sucks that your FI doesn't have a good relationship with his mother.  It sucks that your FI will be hurt if she/they don't show up, especially after what I'm guessing is a long line of disappointments and hurt feelings.  But that's not on you, or him, it's on her, and she is what she is.

    Stop trying to think of ways to get her there.  It's on her to show up or not.  FWIW, I agree with you about not trying to engage her further regarding the wedding.  All you can do is try to support your FI through all this.


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