Being open about fertility issues

Bubblegum5586 · April 2015

We are not TTC yet but we have started talking about it. I think it could be soon... maybe this summer or fall. But when people ask (so annoying!!!) I say "still a few more years" to keep the pressure off us. I want it to be a surprise to our friends and family not something they are expecting and constantly looking for an update.

I am terrified it will be a challenge for us, no particular reason just that I tend to over think things. And to add to the stress both H's brother and cousin (we'll their wives got pregnant on their honeymoons and both were like "we didn't realize it would happen so fast" UGH!

badbnagdway · April 2015

I am not TTC, so I am only speaking as someone who has had friends with similar difficulties. I have had several women who have suffered from miscarriages and difficulties staying pregnant. One of them stands out the most because her struggle continues. We went to grad school together and last year she told me she was pregnant with twin girls. Then she had a miscarriage. I am so grateful for her telling me about her miscarriage. We live very far apart and I haven't seen her since her wedding two years ago (will see her at my wedding in a couple weeks) but at least I was able to send her a card and tell her I was thinking about her during a tough time. She also has been going through IVF and has shared just a little of that story with me. I feel like knowing her would not be complete without knowing some of these issues. Maybe that isn't true but that's how it feels. I know that decision to share with people isn't a comfortable one for everyone but I hope with real friends they will be supportive and understanding.

All of the women here, do whatever feels comfortable for you, but certainly do not feel ashamed or embarrassed. Unfortunately a lot of people do have these issues.

arrippa · April 2015

I am turning 39 this year and I can't tell you how many people have come up to me and TOLD me that I need to get married ASAP so I can start TTC before it gets too late. Then they always pull out stats on how hard it will be to have a baby over 40 or how the baby will end up with more "problems". First off, we don't know if we want kids and if we did, I am leaning toward adoption (my mother was adopted so it's something that I have always wanted to do). Second, if I do decide to TTC I am not going to let statistics bother me. Everyone is different. Besides, I always hated statistics class.

FiancB · April 2015

The statistics are super misleading, too.

OliveOilsMom · April 2015

The only people who know I have PCOS are H and my BFF. H knew as soon as I was diagnosed. We were still dating when I was given my diagnosis. He was very understanding and still is reassuring that if we can't have kids he will be happy just the two of us. He holds me together when I lose it. He is also willing to be supportive of any medical treatments necessary to get pregnant as long as they are not a danger to me and I am up to having them done.

huskypuppy14 · April 2015

arrippa said:
I am turning 39 this year and I can't tell you how many people have come up to me and TOLD me that I need to get married ASAP so I can start TTC before it gets too late. Then they always pull out stats on how hard it will be to have a baby over 40 or how the baby will end up with more "problems". First off, we don't know if we want kids and if we did, I am leaning toward adoption (my mother was adopted so it's something that I have always wanted to do). Second, if I do decide to TTC I am not going to let statistics bother me. Everyone is different. Besides, I always hated statistics class.

Because obviously having a baby naturally is the only way to have a child.

NavyBlue143 · April 2015

I've always been pretty open about my PCOS and it's potential to render me infertile. I always just shut down baby questions with some variation of we're waiting a few years or none of your business. I only really discuss it with close friends. I don't mind them asking me questions because they are unfamiliar with the disease and want to understand how to be the most sensitive. Most of our friends don't have/ want kids so that helps take some pressure and insensitivity away.

Most people don't know we're TTC, just close friends because of the mood swings from the Clomid. Our moms and my dad know, mostly so the moms will leave us alone about it. They know we'll announce nothing until the 2nd trimester, and to not ask until we announce or else I will cry and yell at them. So far they have respected that. They also know we have a year of these treatments until my doctor will insist on stopping and trying IVF, and that we won't do IVF, but will adopt. My mom is ok with that, his mother is ok as long as we adopt a white American baby. FIL would probably tell H to leave me if he knew because women are only good for making babies and sandwiches. Ew to them.

vmj23 · April 2015

I definitely don't think it is something to be ashamed of, but at the same time when I had a miscarriage I only told my closest friends and family. While i absolutely needed the support of those around me, I didn't want to have to constantly talk about it. I think it was *slightly* easier on me vs my husband, only because I do know so many people that have been through the same thing, and have seen how common it really is. Unlike me, it's not something he has talked to other's about, and more difficult for him to understand. I had gotten preggo our first attempt, and it is now approaching a year since then (7 months of trying since I had the mc) and month after month it definitely isn't easy, especially as i passed my due date and those who announced their pregnancy after I was first pregnant have since had their babies.

blabla89 · April 2015

NavyBlue143 said:
I've always been pretty open about my PCOS and it's potential to render me infertile. I always just shut down baby questions with some variation of we're waiting a few years or none of your business. I only really discuss it with close friends. I don't mind them asking me questions because they are unfamiliar with the disease and want to understand how to be the most sensitive. Most of our friends don't have/ want kids so that helps take some pressure and insensitivity away.

Most people don't know we're TTC, just close friends because of the mood swings from the Clomid. Our moms and my dad know, mostly so the moms will leave us alone about it. They know we'll announce nothing until the 2nd trimester, and to not ask until we announce or else I will cry and yell at them. So far they have respected that. They also know we have a year of these treatments until my doctor will insist on stopping and trying IVF, and that we won't do IVF, but will adopt. My mom is ok with that, his mother is ok as long as we adopt a white American baby. FIL would probably tell H to leave me if he knew because women are only good for making babies and sandwiches. Ew to them.

I'm a little bit afraid that my FILs will be this way, too. I don't know whether we'll be able to conceive, but I've always known that international adoption was what I wanted. If we adopt before we TTC FMIL will probably assume that we must be having trouble and want to introduce me to all the doctors she knows. Ugh.

kaitlynmichelle · April 2015

We won't be TTC for a few years likely. But I never knew until I came on TK how many women have had miscarriages. It just isn't talked about so I never knew when I was younger.

I do worry that something will be wrong and it will be hard for us, even though I have no reasons to really worry. H is on meds for a seizure disorder and it does make me wonder if it will cause problems. Since we aren't actually planning when we will TTC yet, I'm trying to not dwell on it. We can talk to a doctor down the road. H's brothers are both meh about having kids and MIL has been wanting me to give her a grandchild for the last 5+ years. A lot of pressure on his side since his parents are a lot older and it scares me into thinking I might not be able to have a child or that it will be hard.

Coworkers have even started asking me a lot of questions. I have a headache? Oh yeah I'm totally pregnant. Put on a bit of weight from a lazy winter? Must be knocked up. *eyeroll*

Blergbot · April 2015

southernbelle0915 said:
I don't really discuss my medical issues in general. My pregnancy/fertility included.

Just yesterday, I got some abnormal teat results. It doesn't look good. It's not that I'm embarrassed to talk about it with others or people at work. For me, it's a medical issue and it's none of anyone's business.

Fingers crossed for you that everything turns out ok!

artbyallie · April 2015

IMO people need to be more willing to share because it affects far more women than most people realize... because we don't talk about it. The irony.

Maybe it will slowly become more talked about and less stigmatized since breastfeeding struggles are gradually becoming so. But people still give women shit for being unable to BF or ASSume they're just not trying.

My aunt lost a baby between the births of my cousins and I'm sure more women I know have had losses that they didn't feel comfortable sharing about. The only other ones I know about were the ones that were quite far along when they lost the babies; a college friend who had her second (only living, but they consider him the little brother regardless) last year and a cousin who lost the twins she was carrying.

Maybe if women weren't getting FUCKING ARRESTED for having stillborn babies we wouldn't feel the need to hide losses. /rant

My prayers are with anyone on these boards struggling with fertility/pregnancy.

JennyColada · April 2015

I got pregnant once when I was 18 (ended in termination), so I don't really have fears about conceiving much, but they are still there. I mean, I'm 31 right now, and probably won't be ready to TTC until I'm 32 at the earliest (I mean, in a perfect world it would be 3-4 more years, but I know that DH is eager so I'm willing to move a bit faster for him).

Even though I successful got pregnant before, I still do worry a bit that it will be harder now that I'm older, or that I'll have trouble carrying to term. I think that's a normal worry (even if it's a bit unfounded). I similarly worry about having a healthy baby, and worry that something about me (my age, my own health, etc) would put my future baby at risk (again, I think a normal worry).

I'm unsure how open I want to be about any future pregnancy. I think I'd want to let people know that I'm pregnant, and don't want to just be like "oh hey, I have a baby today!", but I think I'd want to wait until I'm a few months in. I dunno, we'll have to see when I get there.

ashley8918 · April 2015

JennyColada said:
I got pregnant once when I was 18 (ended in termination), so I don't really have fears about conceiving much, but they are still there. I mean, I'm 31 right now, and probably won't be ready to TTC until I'm 32 at the earliest (I mean, in a perfect world it would be 3-4 more years, but I know that DH is eager so I'm willing to move a bit faster for him).
Even though I successful got pregnant before, I still do worry a bit that it will be harder now that I'm older, or that I'll have trouble carrying to term. I think that's a normal worry (even if it's a bit unfounded). I similarly worry about having a healthy baby, and worry that something about me (my age, my own health, etc) would put my future baby at risk (again, I think a normal worry).
I'm unsure how open I want to be about any future pregnancy. I think I'd want to let people know that I'm pregnant, and don't want to just be like "oh hey, I have a baby today!", but I think I'd want to wait until I'm a few months in. I dunno, we'll have to see when I get there.

Same. I got accident pregnant three times, but I still worry that when I'm actually ready to have a baby with H on purpose, we could have issues (either him or me).

madamerwin · April 2015

sarawifenow said:
Honestly, there are only 2 people IRL that know about the issues I am having with staying pregnant and those people are H and my BFF. You all are my only source of support otherwise.

Idk what it is, but I feel almost embarrassed to tell people IRL. I feel like I am a failure as a woman or something. Then again, I am raging today, so I am probably just having a woe is me moment.

I do kind of wish that people talked about it more. It is so much more common than people think.
I'm with you on this one. I feel like I did something wrong. I go back and think- what could I have done to make this different? How could I have ended up in this situation?

Yep, I am with you guys here. I have known for 10 years that I would have trouble TTC. I had an infection in my tubes (not caused by an STD, the doctors have no idea how I got it), and I was told that I would likely not be able to conceive w/o medical intervention. I always look back to when I got the infection and think about how whatever caused it was probably my fault, and how now I am less than a whole woman because of it.

In a way, I am glad I found out so long ago - I have had a decade to prepare for it, and we did not spend years TTC without knowing there was a problem.

FI and I met with the IVF consultants at a local research hospital last month (we're lucky to live so close to a hospital that's on the cutting edge w/IVF technology). Most of our results came back normal except for one result that was out of the normal range for me (a symptom of PCOS, though I have zero other symptoms associated w/PCOS, so we will see). But the fertility doctor told us that because of by tube damage, he is 99% sure we will need IVF.

At this point, VERY few people know we've begun the process with the IVF clinic. I keep one of my sisters (whom I am very close to) up to date. My dad knows we were moving in the direction of IVF. FI's mom (a nurse, with whom we are both very close) knows. A handful of other people know about my medical history, but we have not told anyone else we are actually starting IVF in the fall.

I am not embarrassed about it, but I don't want the pity. Or people asking for updates - I just don't really want to discuss it conversationally, except with the few people who I feel understand and won't be pushy or sad about it.

southernbelle0915 said:

I know you haven't yet, but once you start sharing info about your fertility with people they may see that as you opening the door to reproductive conversations.

I'm not saying it's right, but I can see how people might draw that conclusion.

If you really hate fielding questions about this topic, I'd keep the door comfortably closed to those people so they don't have any reason (except blatant rudeness) to prod further.

And this. This is exactly why I keep our fertility issues under wraps aside from a few supportive people.

LadyMillil · April 2015

I just started my first two week wait. Both my mom and aunt got pregnant their first month off BC so the optimistic part of me thinks I must be super fertile, but the rational part knows it could take awhile. I'm worried about having fertility problems because we are planning to move overseas for 2-3 years in 2 years. We are comfortable moving with a baby, but don't want to move while I'm pregnant and don't want to seek reproductive help while abroad, which means if I don't get pregnant in the next year it will be several years before we try again.

We are definitely not telling my parents anything about TTC because they can't keep secrets and will tell everyone they know. DH is open about TTC with his parents and they are much more respectful of our privacy. I know if we have trouble TTC DH will turn to his father for support.

JaniV123 · April 2015

sarawifenow said:
Honestly, there are only 2 people IRL that know about the issues I am having with staying pregnant and those people are H and my BFF. You all are my only source of support otherwise.

Idk what it is, but I feel almost embarrassed to tell people IRL. I feel like I am a failure as a woman or something. Then again, I am raging today, so I am probably just having a woe is me moment.

I do kind of wish that people talked about it more. It is so much more common than people think.

To the bolded, yes is it. It is very common and a normal part of fertility to have losses and for it to take time. I think there is so much pressure in society and media that makes it seem like a taboo topic that should cause embarrassment.

Also women should feel comfortable talking about these things with their doctors so that they can monitor you and be able to tell normal from abnormal processes.

JaniV123 · April 2015

sarahufl said:

sarawifenow said:
Honestly, there are only 2 people IRL that know about the issues I am having with staying pregnant and those people are H and my BFF. You all are my only source of support otherwise.

Idk what it is, but I feel almost embarrassed to tell people IRL. I feel like I am a failure as a woman or something. Then again, I am raging today, so I am probably just having a woe is me moment.

I do kind of wish that people talked about it more. It is so much more common than people think.

I'm with you on this one. I feel like I did something wrong. I go back and think- what could I have done to make this different? How could I have ended up in this situation?

This is why awareness is important. Miscarriages are more common than people think and most women never even find out that they miscarried. Its usually not the woman's fault, it is rather that the embryo was not suitable for a variety of reasons. Even ectopic pregnancies, they are because the zona pellucida was shed early, non existent, or deteriorated.

levioosa said:
I am secretly terrified that I won't be able to get pregnant. I have this vague memory of being younger and a doctor telling my mom that I wouldn't be able to have kids when I got older (I had a couple surgeries in the pelvic area when I was young), but I don't know if it's a real memory, or manufactured. I also am not ready to find out and right now I'm not ready for kids either. I have had terrible periods and cysts, although I've never been officially diagnosed with PCOS or endometriosis. A couple months ago I had a minor breakdown because I was thinking about it and I got really upset about the possibility/what it meant for me. SO was wonderful, and he reassured me that he loved me and would be okay with whatever happened. That meant a lot. When we start trying, I probably won't say anything, and even if I get pregnant, I still probably won't say anything until the second trimester.

To the bolded exactly how I feel/situation I am in. I am thinking of whether or not to ask for a screening before the wedding.

Being open about fertility issues

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