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climbingsingle
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5 Reasons We Can't Handle Marriage Anymore
climbingsingle
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in Chit Chat
This article showed up in my FB newsfeed this morning, and after reading it, I had many thoughts. First one: I think this guy is a total jackass.
All he does is give reasons why HIS marriage didn't work. This is no way speaks for the rest of America. So I'm going to break down all his ridiculous reasons.
If you and your spouse are only having sex once every few weeks, THERE IS A PROBLEM. You should be connecting with your SO every day on some intimate level. Whether or not that means sex is up to you. You know who I barely had sex with? My ex-husband. Because I was miserable and not in love.
"Finances cripple us" - Yes, if you don't handle your finances properly. Do my H and I fight about money? Yes. But it's not something that tears us apart. If we realize there's a problem in this area, we fix it. We communicate constantly about money coming in, what bills have to be paid, etc. It's a discussion, not a fight.
"Completely disconnected" - my H and I have nights where we put our phones away and spend all night just talking to each other. When we're away on vacation, our phones are off. Do we text? Sure. By that's not our only way of communication! We eat dinner together every single night. We have lunch together during the week. That's how you stay connected!
"Social media/seeking attention" - if you or your spouse is seeking attention through social media by constantly posting provocative pictures of them self, there is a problem. That is not normal. I, along with married people I know, are not posting half naked pics on Facebook or Instagram. If you're so concerned with what others think of you through social media, you need to seek out therapy.
And his last point - again, put your fucking phone down. That's what my H and I do. Disconnect! Just because you (the author) can't do it, doesn't mean that others can't and won't! And if you feel that your partner is spending too much time online, looking at their phone, SAY SOMETHING. Communication is one of the most important things in a relationship!
Ok, rant over. Now tell me all your thoughts too.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: 5 Reasons We Can't Handle Marriage Anymore
What people forget is that like any relationship, marriage is WORK. You have to work at it and for it every day. This article really just tells me that people are lazy and don't want to work for something.
Let's look at each number.
1. Sex becomes almost non-existent.
A couple's sex life is their business. I think the unrealistic picture that the media paints for a perfect couple and perfect marriage and perfect family in regards to sex life sets expectations that are unrealistic. Each person's sex drive and desire is different so why should we put "sex" for every single married (or not married) person under a single umbrella.
2. Finances cripple us.
There isn't much to say this except: finances have crippled people for centuries. I mean, the Great Depression? Yes, college is more expensive now, but wages are higher. Yes, things cost more now, but wages are higher. Finances can be the root of many arguments but we are not the first generation to face that issue.
3. We're more connected than ever before, but completely disconnected at the same time.
True. Texting, social media, apps, etc. have made communicating and being connected so easy. But often we lack that face-to-face, intimate, communication. This can work for some people. Others just need to learn to put their phone down (yes, Jay, especially me sometimes) and look at their partner and talk. All technology isn't bad, but too much technology isn't good. It's all about balance.
4. Our desire for attention outweighs our desire to be loved.
So many people think love means getting flowers and gifts and being pampered. And while that is all good (I mean, who doesn't want to be spoiled sometimes), that's not love, that's attention. That is not affection. However, being shown attention is a PART of love. But attention can be shown in many ways. Simply telling your partner they look pretty, making their lunch for the day, or having the coffee pot ready, is a simple act that can show your partner attention and you know, that's not always a bad thing.
5. Social media just invited a few thousand people into bed with you.
Again, social media (technology) can be a GREAT thing. You can connect with friends from college or family across the country and even keep up with current events (or the latest gossip). It isn't all bad. It's all about how you use it. If you and your partner are fine with sharing intimate details of your relationship whether it is about marital issues, planning to start a family (or lack thereof), where you went for dinner, or how many foot rubs you give each other a week, go for it!
Relationship advice is not one size fits all. Reading articles like this that tell you that our generation is not equipped to have a successful marriage is extremely frustrating because the author of the article is assuming that everyone looks at marriage the same way and wants the same thing out of their marriage as they do. That's not always the case.
So yes, while this article can be enlightening, I think it looks past the actual work you have to put into a marriage/relationship. The author is using his own experiences (which yes, is what authors do) to tells us why marriage doesn't work. He forgets the fact that other generations have had new trends that have effected their marriage and changed how they choose (or choose to not) make their marriage last.
Like anything in life, you get what you put into it. If you aren't putting 100% of yourself into your marriage (when you are able, there will absolutely be times when your partner has to pick up the slack and you will reciprocate for later) then you aren't going to get everything out of it."
Who are all these people that he thinks are having sex once a month and calling it a chore? Because we've had polls on here where the vast majority of us admit to having sex 3+ times a week. And even those who have it less say they are happy and content with the amount they have.
I rage about the finances comment. Oooo our grandparents didn't have student loans. They still raised on average 4 kids with one salary! Their mortgages were the same 30% of their income as they are now. Most couldn't even afford "luxuries" such a big color TV's. Vacations were maybe a road trip to a National Park every few years. I will never sit there and say my grandparents had it financially easier than me.
Cell phone/ connection is just stupid too. We have plenty of nights where we don't touch our phones and we just cuddle and rub each other's backs. If we're waiting for a table at a restaurant, and my husband starts dicking around on his phone, I take the iniative and tell him "hey, I'm right here, put it down and talk to me" and he does. Sometimes you have to just ask for what you want instead of sitting there silent and pissy at him for doing that.
I have to say, while I agree that this article is a generalization of why HIS marriage did not work, I do think there is truth to his points.
To his points:
1. Obviously, it is important to be intimate (not just sex either, but other ways like hugging, holding hands, etc.)
2. Obviously, it is important to not spend more than you make and save for the future. I do feel that this is a problem for couples in our generation bc life is so damn expensive. Then again, choose the 1,500 sq foot house instead of a 3,000 sq foot house and the car that is basic and gets good gas mileage instead of the tricked out SUV.
3. Communicate IN REAL LIFE. Duh.
4. and 5. I'm probably biased on this one bc I hate social media (this is really the only site I am an active participant on). I think people overshare everything on facebook, twitter etc. Nothing is special and nothing is private anymore. I do think that is a big problem. I am not on any of those sites and neither is my husband.
Anyway, that's just my two cents.
So cell phones and facebook ended your marriage...
Edited bc I can't spell this early.
And how did his editor let this one slide?
I would say 90% of viral articles are the bolded. I stopped reading Thought Catalog and Elite Daily (which is like the unholy offspring of Thought Catalog and Buzzfeed) because those articles are so self-indulgent.
It's one thing if you're writing into the void, hoping someone agrees with you. It's another thing to write assuming EVERYONE agrees with you.
ETA: Anyone remember/read that article that went viral about a year ago titled "23 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Get Engaged Before 23"? It was like this article with half the calories, twice the narcissism.
I would say 90% of viral articles are the bolded. I stopped reading Thought Catalog and Elite Daily (which is like the unholy offspring of Thought Catalog and Buzzfeed) because those articles are so self-indulgent.
It's one thing if you're writing into the void, hoping someone agrees with you. It's another thing to write assuming EVERYONE agrees with you.
ETA: Anyone remember/read that article that went viral about a year ago titled "23 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Get Engaged Before 23"? It was like this article with half the calories, twice the narcissism.
The articles like the bolded royally piss me off.Me too! I hate articles written by single people assuming marriage means you don't travel or "live life" anymore, and on the flip side I also hate articles written by married people assuming single life is just one big party and sexual encounter after another.
Exactly. I saw one that once said, 30 reason you should be single until you're 30. It would say things about going to parties and traveling and having fun. Uhm, I've done that with my DH since I was 17.
emmaaa said:BOXBOXBOXBOXBOX
Exactly. I saw one that once said, 30 reason you should be single until you're 30. It would say things about going to parties and traveling and having fun. Uhm, I've done that with my DH since I was 17.
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This article is ridiculous. He seems to take no personal accountability for the problems that were in his marriage. Yes, these can be issues in any relationship, not just marriage. It is how you deal with the issues and work around them that make a difference. One night last weekend me and FI stayed up till 3 in the morning talking about really random stuff. We don't text each other unless its things like "I'm going to be late" or "can you start dinner". If we're out and either one of us is on the phone we politely ask that they're put away. This article doesn't mention how he tried to fix the problems. Just said that these were the problems.
I hate the Elite Daily articles too. They're so stupid. I feel like 90% of them are just written for validation, kind of like Knot articles which tell you to B-list and have a cash bar with a Honeyfund registry.