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Things that are meant to be a compliment but aren't...

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Re: Things that are meant to be a compliment but aren't...

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    I'm another one who constantly gets the "young" comments, and I'm starting to assume it's just because teens today wear so much makeup and so little clothing that they look old, not that I actually look that young. I'm ten years past the legal drinking age and have people disbelieve my ID all the time, and at a work function a couple weeks ago I ended up have to tell SIX different people that yes, I'm getting married, and no, I'm not really 'too young' for that. Since I turned 28 I've just started looking at people who say stuff like that and saying "You really think so? I'm almost 30..." and letting them backpedal from there.

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    Some people really need to learn that making recurring comments about a woman's weight is really NOT OK. I see many of you ladies making this point in one way or another.

    There are a handful of people I know (my mother, an aunt, a coworker) who frequently give me the 'compliment' "You look great! You've lost so much weight!", when in fact, I have not lost any weight at all. It bothers me because it implies that they have an image in their mind that I'm too heavy and that maybe I needed to lose weight.

    Also, the "cute" comments here remind me of a friend of mine, who is a 4'10", 90lb Asian woman. She also happens to be a doctor in her mid-thirties and she goes to great lengths to dress and act very professionally, but it's often insufficient. But I tell you... you should FEAR HER WRATH if you ever dared to call her "cute"!!! It's like a giant demon is released from within. She's fierce!


    Ha one my good friends is a very petite person as well and she's a nurse. Let me tell you. She does not put up with any shit from her patients. She may have to climb on top of them to do CPR but she is damn good at her job. 

    One time one of her crazy patients was like "your 12-year-old strapped me to the bed!!" We still laugh about it. She's small but tough!
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    littlepep said:

    Some people really need to learn that making recurring comments about a woman's weight is really NOT OK. I see many of you ladies making this point in one way or another.

    There are a handful of people I know (my mother, an aunt, a coworker) who frequently give me the 'compliment' "You look great! You've lost so much weight!", when in fact, I have not lost any weight at all. It bothers me because it implies that they have an image in their mind that I'm too heavy and that maybe I needed to lose weight.

    Also, the "cute" comments here remind me of a friend of mine, who is a 4'10", 90lb Asian woman. She also happens to be a doctor in her mid-thirties and she goes to great lengths to dress and act very professionally, but it's often insufficient. But I tell you... you should FEAR HER WRATH if you ever dared to call her "cute"!!! It's like a giant demon is released from within. She's fierce!


    Ha one my good friends is a very petite person as well and she's a nurse. Let me tell you. She does not put up with any shit from her patients. She may have to climb on top of them to do CPR but she is damn good at her job. 

    One time one of her crazy patients was like "your 12-year-old strapped me to the bed!!" We still laugh about it. She's small but tough!
    One of my physical therapists is a former figure skater.  Teeny tiny, maybe five foot nothing and 100 pounds.  She is the TOUGHEST person in the office.  She does trigger point massage on me and I'll have bruises for days.  Tiny but mighty.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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    • "Wow, you've lost weight!"  I never intentionally do that, and my weight does fluctuate a little bit.  Kindly fuck off, fat does not equal ugly.
    • "You look so great with makeup, you should do it more often!"  Gee, thanks for telling me that the one time I wear makeup.  My face is my face and I am not going to slather it with makeup everyday just to appear "prettier".
    • "You're so cute"  I get that a lot.  What about pretty, sexy, beautiful, etc.?  I'm not a little kid or something.

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    On the "young" thing.  One day, a few years ago, I went to the food store in the middle of the day during the week.  I had on yoga pants and a sweatshirt and my hair was up in a ponytail.  I know that I look young when I dress like this, but I definitely think I look older then someone in high school.  So as I was leaving, some old lady came up to me and started scolding me for not being in school.  After she was done her rant I told her "I am not in school anymore.  In fact, I graduated from college 2 years ago and am 25 years old."  That pretty much shut her up and I walked away.

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    On the "young" thing.  One day, a few years ago, I went to the food store in the middle of the day during the week.  I had on yoga pants and a sweatshirt and my hair was up in a ponytail.  I know that I look young when I dress like this, but I definitely think I look older then someone in high school.  So as I was leaving, some old lady came up to me and started scolding me for not being in school.  After she was done her rant I told her "I am not in school anymore.  In fact, I graduated from college 2 years ago and am 25 years old."  That pretty much shut her up and I walked away.

    WTF is wrong with people like this? Like what makes you think it's ok to talk to someone like that?
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    On the "young" thing.  One day, a few years ago, I went to the food store in the middle of the day during the week.  I had on yoga pants and a sweatshirt and my hair was up in a ponytail.  I know that I look young when I dress like this, but I definitely think I look older then someone in high school.  So as I was leaving, some old lady came up to me and started scolding me for not being in school.  After she was done her rant I told her "I am not in school anymore.  In fact, I graduated from college 2 years ago and am 25 years old."  That pretty much shut her up and I walked away.

    I get this all the time. One time I told a lady that I'm 24 and she said, "If you're going to make up your age, why not go with 21?" *facepalm*
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    On the "young" thing.  One day, a few years ago, I went to the food store in the middle of the day during the week.  I had on yoga pants and a sweatshirt and my hair was up in a ponytail.  I know that I look young when I dress like this, but I definitely think I look older then someone in high school.  So as I was leaving, some old lady came up to me and started scolding me for not being in school.  After she was done her rant I told her "I am not in school anymore.  In fact, I graduated from college 2 years ago and am 25 years old."  That pretty much shut her up and I walked away.




    We were at a wedding a few years ago. We were seated with the older aunts of the bride who we didn't know (thank you open seating). DH and I were talking about me graduating the next year. One of the aunts asked me if I was excited to graduate high school and where was I going for college. I was 24 and graduating from a Masters program. I know I look young, but not 17. I was drinking. DH was 26 and looks his age. I'm not sure how they ended up thinking I was in grade 11.

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    I'm 27, but I get mistaken for late teens/early 20's a lot. It's irritating because people will act condescendingly to me because they think I'm younger than I am, and then when I correct them they say, "Oh, you should take that as a compliment!" Way to backpedal, asshole.


    It also doesn't help that I work for a school, and I get mistaken for a student a lot. This isn't a huge deal normally since it's a community college so we have students of all ages, but my title, which is pretty fancy, is on the door to my office, and also, I have an office. Yet people still come in all the time and ask, "Are you a student?" Yes, I am a student. They always give students their own titles and offices, and they definitely put them in charge of departments. Turns out a lot of the time, people assume I'm the secretary for the person who is "really" in charge. Oh, but I should take that as a compliment!
    I get that feeling a lot! But I'm a student and 21. It's very hard to get people to take me seriously. I do have my own office but I share and I worked for this damn it! I hate how people judge you based on age. It also doesn't help that I have a baby face and I'm a woman. I've spent several years working my way up and I refuse for anyone to let me feel like I don't deserve my accomplishments. The compliments that aren't really compliments are "You look so young". "You shouldn't worry, it will ruin your great skin". And finally "You are soooo in charge". Yes I'm in charge and I don't need you to make me feel like I shouldn't be. End rant ha.
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    I had a customer a few months ago who saw my rings and said I was far too young to be married. I laughed and said I'm 27 so I'll have to disagree with you. He carried on for a good two minutes about how I couldn't possibly be 27, I looked like I was 15 (I don't) and that it is ridiculous that I got married.

    I was NOT amused by the time he f'd off and left. Being at work I couldn't really say what I wanted to.
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    I had a customer a few months ago who saw my rings and said I was far too young to be married. I laughed and said I'm 27 so I'll have to disagree with you. He carried on for a good two minutes about how I couldn't possibly be 27, I looked like I was 15 (I don't) and that it is ridiculous that I got married.

    I was NOT amused by the time he f'd off and left. Being at work I couldn't really say what I wanted to.

    I think it is funny when people try to argue with you over what age you say you are.  Do that many people really lie about their age in their daily lives that it seems okay to argue about it?

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    amelishaamelisha member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited April 2015
    I also can't help but take the "young" stuff as an insult at work. Do I not act like an adult? Is my work not good enough? I know it's irrational and not meant that way but still it makes me so paranoid.

    Randos IDing me and then acting like my ID is fake when I'm trying to buy Scotch or whatever, that's annoying but not actually insulting like it is when people are like "Well, I know you must have gone to university, obviously, but I just assumed you couldn't be more than 22!" Thanks, people. 

    I have a huge freaking strip of grey in the front of my hair, too, which makes it extra ridiculous. I've pointed it out to coworkers and they're like "I thought it was blonde!"

    I'm also not convinced that looking young right now means I'll look young and appreciate it when I'm older. My skin is good right now but I'm so pale that I'm going to look like hell if what colour I have fades, and my super round, chubby face is also going to look terrible if I lose the fat currently in the apples of my cheeks and I'll just have saggy, loose skin. I really don't think looking like a kid now is going to be better for me in the future, actually, so it drives me crazy when people say that.

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    Turns out a lot of the time, people assume I'm the secretary for the person who is "really" in charge. Oh, but I should take that as a compliment!
    I run my own department at work. Currently it consists of me, an assistant, and 2 interns. It's not a big department, but I'm still pretty young for the fancy pants title I have. I get everyone asking to speak "to the person in charge", that'd be me. No no, sweetie (fuck you), the guy above you. You mean the guy who runs the company? Cause he's the next in line above me and he'll just send you back to me, cause he won't have a fucking clue what you're talking about.

    I also sound really young on the phone. I always have. My mom does too. She gets calls all the time with people asking her if her mom or dad are home. She says no and hangs up. But I get people arguing with me that they know I'm "just the receptionist" and I need to transfer them to whomever is in charge of the department that I motherfucking run.

    I had some guy tell me it was a compliment because "pretty blonde girls like you don't get put in charge". Wow. Is that some sexist bullshit. He was surprised I didn't take kindly to be told you're pretty don't be smart. 
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    It's weird that I get the "you look so young" and the "you seem much older" comments both. I'm 24, so very young in my field and just starting out.

    I like that people assume I'm older sometimes at work because they take me more seriously. Other times I have residents patronize me because "I'm much to young to be the facility manager and obviously don't know what I'm doing." Okay.

    I have proctored exams at my old high school for my friend and got stoppe din the hall for skipping class. My BFF teaches at high school and honestly looks about 16. On her first day, she was stopped and asked why she wasn't in class. She just laughed about it and explained she was 22 and a teacher there.

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    I had a customer a few months ago who saw my rings and said I was far too young to be married. I laughed and said I'm 27 so I'll have to disagree with you. He carried on for a good two minutes about how I couldn't possibly be 27, I looked like I was 15 (I don't) and that it is ridiculous that I got married.

    I was NOT amused by the time he f'd off and left. Being at work I couldn't really say what I wanted to.

    I think it is funny when people try to argue with you over what age you say you are.  Do that many people really lie about their age in their daily lives that it seems okay to argue about it?
    Similarly, I always have people argue with me about my ethnicity. Yes, I have dark hair, dark eyes and olive skin. No I'm not asian, hispanic, etc. As much I would love to have some beautiful, exotic, ethnicity, I'm just white. And yes, I'm sure. I know my ethnicity. Thanks.
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    @emmaaa I get the same thing! My boss was telling me yesterday I seemed "so much older" than his sister who is the exact same age as me. Um...thanks.

    I get you "you look so young" and "wow I thought you were older" comments all the time. I know I look...kind of young. Most people say somewhere between 19-22, so that's not that much younger than I am now. But I've always been told I "act so much older".

    I think it's because I've always been independent, so while most of my friends my age are just now moving into their own places I've lived on my own for awhile. My parents worked a lot, my mom went back to school, so I kind of had to learn to run my own life earlier then my peers. I'd usually make dinner for all of us, wash my clothes sometimes my parents clothes, I cleaned up the house. Because they didn't have the time, and that was how I could contribute. Plus my mother is big on independence. 
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    "Are you boobs real?" 


    Yes, I've been asked this many times, even by my MIL. If you are not close enough to me to know whether or not my boobs are real, then I'm probably not interested in discussing them with you. 

    And when I answer, it's always followed up with something like, "Wow, they look fake. You're so lucky!" 
    ETA: @climbingwife: Creepy post about you:

    I clicked on your picture to make it bigger to see if I could see what they were talking about (sorry for being creepy. Please don't disown me) and it took me to photobucket where I could order a large canvass print of your signature...
    Wha?? That is totally creepy!! Hahahahah!
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    I get the age thing a lot. I really don't think I look that young, but people are shocked when I tell them I'm 34. A guy that works in the warehouse asked where I went to HS, and then starting asking if I knew people. I kept saying no, and then he asked what year I graduated. When I said 1998, he goes, "What!!?!? NO. You're not THAT old." 
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    I dreamed someone thought I was 25 the night before my 35th birthday this week.   Then DH took my picture and posted it to FB and I feel like I REALLY need that massage he's going to buy me.

    My favorite back handed compliment wasn't given to me but a good friend who was told, "You know Kate (name changed) I used to be so afraid to wear white because I'd stain it but then I see you wearing white all the time and you don't care how messy your shirt gets!"


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    I must be prickly as fuck, because I don't get a lot of these. Or maybe it's just that living in NYC people have less time to make offensive chit-chat? My work doesn't entail much face-to-face interacting, nor am I client-facing, so I bet that really helps ont the "random strangers saying stupid shit" front.

    Regardless, all of these examples just go to show that people are wack. I'm sorry y'all have been dealing with wackness. :(
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    edited April 2015

    At a baby shower, last weekend, the guest sitting beside me told me she loved the color of my earrings, but they were way too big for her taste. Then she told me she'd never wear pearls larger than 6 mm and asked if they were real. Hmmm, maybe she should have stopped after the first half of the sentence. She also told the host that the quilt another guest made was cute, but she made her quilt the right way.

                       
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    At a baby shower, last weekend, the guest sitting beside me told me she loved the color of my earrings, but they were way to big for her taste. Then she told me she'd never wear pearls larger than 6 mm and asked if they were real. Hmmm, maybe she should have stopped after the first half of the sentence. She also told the host that the quilt another guest made was cute, but she made her quilt the right way.

    "I love the way you just don't care about detail or craftsmanship! It's so refreshing!" 
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    I've been told that I'm such a pretty ginger, or that I'm actually really hott for a redhead. Thanks?

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    The weight-related ones really bother me, too. I have one friend in particular who's always making comments at parties and whatnot about me (in groups) and while the words themselves are complimentary I guess, the tone definitely isn't. It's stuff like "We ordered way too much food at that place last night...Amelisha told us not to because the portions were huge but we didn't take her seriously because look at her," or "If I was a skinny little bobblehead like Amelisha I'd wear that too." It's not the words that bother me but the way she says it (and always in a group, not to me directly but about me.) It's this kind of derisive tone that always makes me irrationally upset. Especially because this woman knows I've got major body-image issues...so the snarky "skinny" comments are both good and bad, because one part of me is like "yes! I don't look fat to some people!" but the other side is like "see, my body is gross no matter what size it is," and that's not good either. 

    I know I can't expect other people to tiptoe around my self-image issues but I wish that people would just not say anything at all about stuff like that. Just in general. I try never to comment on people's weight, personally. If I think someone's lost weight and looks great, I just say "Wow, you look really great!" and let them say something if they want to, like "Thanks, I've just started running," or whatever. If they want to talk about their weight after that they can mention it but that way I'm not making anyone uncomfortable or implying that they didn't look good before or that losing weight is necessarily why they look so great, or even that weight loss was desirable for them.

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