Spinoff - Cheating (Possibly way too much TMI.... you've been warned.)

OliveOilsMom · April 2015

banana468 said:
I think there's a big difference between "I'm planning a surprise party" and "I'm talking to someone without your knowledge" but yeah, it's not cool.

On a different forum, one wife mentioned that her DH talked to her about making an investment of thousands. She disagreed and he did it anyway. While that may not be porking someone, it's still a huge betrayal of my trust and there's no way we'd do that. If I'm going to spend more than a hundred dollars or so, I usually tell DH in advance. I don't need his permission but I'm also not a fan of going out on a shopping spree and having him be none the wiser.

And I totally agree with the bolded. I was just trying to show how I can't keep anything from my H.

larrygaga · April 2015

I like to think we will be adventurous in our 40's and have threesomes or something cool.

For now we are exclusive. Anything past making out I think would upset both of us. But I've never had to deal with a cheater so I don't really know what would make me tick.

sophhabobopha · April 2015

mikenberger said:
This is about the only thing I agree with Dr. Phil on...

If you don't feel comfortable doing it in front of your partner or feel like you have to hide it, it's cheating. I do admit though, I'd rather him have a fling with some random than an emotional affair. Especially with someone we know.

I'm pretty much here too.

ETA: I think fi and I would be into threesomes, but we haven't done any of that so far.

hellosweetie1015 · April 2015

I'm going to look into Dan Savage, because all the different takes (even though they aren't that different at the root) are absolutely a thing I'm interested in. I'd honestly love to be a sex therapist, I think, because all the differences in sexuality seem to come from one single root and it's absolutely fascinating.

Unfortunately I can't actually be a sex therapist because I am one of those people who can't talk sex with my own fiancé right now. It's ridiculous, and I'm actively working on it, and that's where the actual boundary talk came from that resulted in this thread. I can talk about anything else with him, and the fact that I can't talk about sex is absolutely stupid and ridiculous but I cannot bring myself to open my mouth a lot of the time. (It used to be "cannot ever", though, so ... progress!)

I really do find the intricacies and similarities, even in the "different" boundaries expressed in here, super interesting.

sophhabobopha · April 2015

hellosweetie1015 said:
I'm going to look into Dan Savage, because all the different takes (even though they aren't that different at the root) are absolutely a thing I'm interested in. I'd honestly love to be a sex therapist, I think, because all the differences in sexuality seem to come from one single root and it's absolutely fascinating.

Unfortunately I can't actually be a sex therapist because I am one of those people who can't talk sex with my own fiancé right now. It's ridiculous, and I'm actively working on it, and that's where the actual boundary talk came from that resulted in this thread. I can talk about anything else with him, and the fact that I can't talk about sex is absolutely stupid and ridiculous but I cannot bring myself to open my mouth a lot of the time. (It used to be "cannot ever", though, so ... progress!)

I really do find the intricacies and similarities, even in the "different" boundaries expressed in here, super interesting.

Like, you can't talk about what you want sexually?

VulgarGirl · April 2015

hellosweetie1015 said:
I'm going to look into Dan Savage, because all the different takes (even though they aren't that different at the root) are absolutely a thing I'm interested in. I'd honestly love to be a sex therapist, I think, because all the differences in sexuality seem to come from one single root and it's absolutely fascinating.

Unfortunately I can't actually be a sex therapist because I am one of those people who can't talk sex with my own fiancé right now. It's ridiculous, and I'm actively working on it, and that's where the actual boundary talk came from that resulted in this thread. I can talk about anything else with him, and the fact that I can't talk about sex is absolutely stupid and ridiculous but I cannot bring myself to open my mouth a lot of the time. (It used to be "cannot ever", though, so ... progress!)

I really do find the intricacies and similarities, even in the "different" boundaries expressed in here, super interesting.

I'm so happy you're activly working on this. And yes listen to Dan Savage. He's hiliarious and really open. I mean he uses dirty language so if you're offended by that you should really stop fucking talking to me too.

I think more women then men are worried about talking about what they sexually want because society has so ingrained us with the idea that what we want is nothing. We don't actually want, or need, to enjoy sex. We have sex to please our men and to make babies. If we happen to orgasm great, but if we don't whatever. We do what men want in the bedroom. Either we learn to like it or we learn to shut the fuck up. We do not raise our hands and say I want this. Because we, as women, don't have sexual desires. We like romance. Not sex. Sex is what we do to get romance.

And that is all a bunch of motherfucking dumbass backwards thinking bullshit. Of course we have kinks and sexual desires. Of course we enjoy sex. Sure romance is great. But sometimes ya just wanna get laid. And sometimes you wanna get laid while being tied up or whatever. And that's all good.

hellosweetie1015 · April 2015

sophhabobopha said:

hellosweetie1015 said:
I'm going to look into Dan Savage, because all the different takes (even though they aren't that different at the root) are absolutely a thing I'm interested in. I'd honestly love to be a sex therapist, I think, because all the differences in sexuality seem to come from one single root and it's absolutely fascinating.

Unfortunately I can't actually be a sex therapist because I am one of those people who can't talk sex with my own fiancé right now. It's ridiculous, and I'm actively working on it, and that's where the actual boundary talk came from that resulted in this thread. I can talk about anything else with him, and the fact that I can't talk about sex is absolutely stupid and ridiculous but I cannot bring myself to open my mouth a lot of the time. (It used to be "cannot ever", though, so ... progress!)

I really do find the intricacies and similarities, even in the "different" boundaries expressed in here, super interesting.
Like, you can't talk about what you want sexually?

Or what I don't, or what works but what would maybe work better. At least, not in any sort of serious discussion. I can generally joke with the best of them, but when it comes down to it I still even have a hard time even saying, "Hey, let's have sex right now."

It's a pretty big problem that I'm actively working to resolve, now that I'm aware of it, and now that I'm with someone that I care enough to fix it for. I've only had one other sexual partner, and I just figured I was a person who didn't enjoy sex.

ETA @magicInk Thank you. Also, I have exactly no fucking problem with fucking shitty language. My bad-word vocabulary could embarrass a fucking sailor.

afox007 · April 2015

ShesSoCold said:
Anything he does with another person that he would hide from me would be considered cheating. I don't care if it's texting, kissing, going out to dinner. If it needs to be hidden, it's not okay.

ETA: I hope this is obvious but It would also be cheating if he came home and was like, "Oh, BTW, I banged this broad I met last night, I hope that's cool". Sexual physical contact would be cheating.

I agree that anything hidden is where I have a problem, at that point it doesn't matter if it's sex or just texting.

As to the bolded I probably have issues for having this train of thought, but honesty and trust mean a lot more to me than any physical contact. If FI comes to me and says he feels the need to have sex with someone else that's fine. He has taken me up on the offer a few times and was totally open each time.

sophhabobopha · April 2015

hellosweetie1015 said:

sophhabobopha said:

hellosweetie1015 said:
I'm going to look into Dan Savage, because all the different takes (even though they aren't that different at the root) are absolutely a thing I'm interested in. I'd honestly love to be a sex therapist, I think, because all the differences in sexuality seem to come from one single root and it's absolutely fascinating.

Unfortunately I can't actually be a sex therapist because I am one of those people who can't talk sex with my own fiancé right now. It's ridiculous, and I'm actively working on it, and that's where the actual boundary talk came from that resulted in this thread. I can talk about anything else with him, and the fact that I can't talk about sex is absolutely stupid and ridiculous but I cannot bring myself to open my mouth a lot of the time. (It used to be "cannot ever", though, so ... progress!)

I really do find the intricacies and similarities, even in the "different" boundaries expressed in here, super interesting.
Like, you can't talk about what you want sexually?
Or what I don't, or what works but what would maybe work better. At least, not in any sort of serious discussion. I can generally joke with the best of them, but when it comes down to it I still even have a hard time even saying, "Hey, let's have sex right now."

It's a pretty big problem that I'm actively working to resolve, now that I'm aware of it, and now that I'm with someone that I care enough to fix it for. I've only had one other sexual partner, and I just figured I was a person who didn't enjoy sex.

ETA @magicInk Thank you. Also, I have exactly no fucking problem with fucking shitty language. My bad-word vocabulary could embarrass a fucking sailor.

BOX

Yeah, I can get that. After my third partner, I realized that I deserve to enjoy sex every time! And I think the men I've slept with appreciated it.
Good for you for working on it!

FiancB · April 2015

I attempted an open relationship with my ex. It was my idea, actually, and nothing came of it for a long time. He got way more interested in the idea right when I felt our relationship was a little rocky and didn't think it was a good idea at that time. For some reason, he still felt the need to hide things from me, so I consider that to be cheating even though we were open. Apparently he was more into opening his zipper fly than in open communication.

Now in a pretty traditional relationship with H and I like it that way. I have zero desire to be with anyone else. While I consider both to be bad, I would probably be more upset with purely emotional cheating than purely sexual. Like, I'd be more upset about finding out he'd been having inappropriate conversations and meetings with some other chick even without physical contact than I would be if he, say, got really drunk and did something really dumb. I guess intent has a lot to do with it.

I admit I'm a little weirdly shy when discussing sex with H and I need to get better about it. My relationship with my ex was a lot more experimental. Obviously.

artbyallie · April 2015

H and I are both very flirtatious people. His flirting used to make me a bit jealous, but once I got into it as well, I have cared less and less. I know he's not going to cheat.

Cheating for us has been a bit redefined in the last couple years. I realized I am bi and came out to him. He encouraged me to explore that side of my sexuality and we have a mutual agreement that I can pursue women and get intimate and so on. Now, if it is to be more than a one-off event, there needs to be some level of relationship involving him as well. Thus far that hasn't been too big of a problem and in fact the one woman I've had sex with was into the threesome action, so it worked out rather well. I am not, however, comfortable with him having penis-in-vagina sex with a woman until/unless we are all three in a loving and committed relationship. I realize we're looking for the so-called unicorn, so I'm not holding my breath.

So, in summary, cheating for us would be: me doing anything with another man, him doing anything with another woman who's not doing stuff with me, me having a relationship with a woman that doesn't include him, him having a relationship with a woman that doesn't include me. I do tend to think if one is doing something they feel they have to hide (IMO whether it's drugs, flirting, an affair, staying up all night playing video games or whatever) then one is in some form or fashion taking something away from their partner.

Sugargirl1019 · April 2015

I am the same with "if you're hiding it from me, you're cheating". Whether it is buying large scale things behind my back, sexting girls, etc. I would also include watching porn behind my back. If I found out, I would be furious. But this might come from the fact that I have much larger sexual appetite than H, and if I found out he was getting sexual satisfaction from somewhere other than me, I'd feel hurt and thus cheated because I'd feel like it was harming our sexual relations. I am in the mood every day, he isn't. I don't want to find out that you're "not in the mood" because you've been looking elsewhere for it behind my back.

I'm open to looking at it together to stimulate things, but he has turned it down every time saying he doesn't need it, just needs me.

I'd also say it's cheating if he flirted with the intentions of making a girl drool over him. Monogamous, we are. Thoughts and actions through and through. But that works for us.

WinstonsGirl · April 2015

We're on the same page on cheating. No kissing or more, and anything emotional that you would hide is out too. I don't mind occasional harmless flirting, though DH doesn't do that anyway, so it's a non-issue. Cheating was discussed early on with us as it's an automatic deal breaker for us.

Threesome won't happen. I don't share well. Or at all. I know I'd get jealous or something like that and I wouldn't end up liking it, even if it was just a physical thing. But again, neither of us have any interest anyway, so it's a non issue.

I teach sex-ed to my kids (ages 11-13/14 usually) and every year I get asked how you know you're ready to have sex. I tell them that if you can discuss birth control, what you'll do if you get pregnant and STI's/getting tested, then you're ready to start thinking about having sex. They're horrified that you would discuss this with a partner, but of course, this is all embarrassing when you're that young. I remind them that they're talking about getting naked in front of someone and letting him shove a penis inside of you/letting her pleasure you sexually and you can't even talk about it?? They tend to clue in, and hopefully they won't be having sex before they're ready to deal with it

LadyMillil · April 2015

No kissing or above. If you feel the need to hide something then you're on the way to emotionally cheating, if not already there. Our basic rule is: would I be ok with my partner doing what I'm doing. So, DH thinks it's okay to flirt with another girl, but he isn't okay with me flirting with another guy, so he can't flirt with another girl.

larrygaga · April 2015

Sugargirl1019 said:
I am the same with "if you're hiding it from me, you're cheating". Whether it is buying large scale things behind my back, sexting girls, etc. I would also include watching porn behind my back. If I found out, I would be furious. But this might come from the fact that I have much larger sexual appetite than H, and if I found out he was getting sexual satisfaction from somewhere other than me, I'd feel hurt and thus cheated because I'd feel like it was harming our sexual relations. I am in the mood every day, he isn't. I don't want to find out that you're "not in the mood" because you've been looking elsewhere for it behind my back.

I'm open to looking at it together to stimulate things, but he has turned it down every time saying he doesn't need it, just needs me.

I'd also say it's cheating if he flirted with the intentions of making a girl drool over him. Monogamous, we are. Thoughts and actions through and through. But that works for us.

So it's cheating if he doesn't inform you that he's watching porn?

Cause to me, watching porn solo is sort of a private thing. Like pooping. Does he have to tell you when he poops too? Some people need solo time, and don't always want to have their partner with them. That doesn't mean they don't like their partner. It means they need some alone time and some privacy. Solo time isn't only for sexual gratification. Solo time can't just be covered by a partner. They are equal and separate and are pretty different from each other.

The more you cling the harder they push to get away.

Dreamergirl8812 · April 2015

larrygaga said:

Sugargirl1019 said:
I am the same with "if you're hiding it from me, you're cheating". Whether it is buying large scale things behind my back, sexting girls, etc. I would also include watching porn behind my back. If I found out, I would be furious. But this might come from the fact that I have much larger sexual appetite than H, and if I found out he was getting sexual satisfaction from somewhere other than me, I'd feel hurt and thus cheated because I'd feel like it was harming our sexual relations. I am in the mood every day, he isn't. I don't want to find out that you're "not in the mood" because you've been looking elsewhere for it behind my back.

I'm open to looking at it together to stimulate things, but he has turned it down every time saying he doesn't need it, just needs me.

I'd also say it's cheating if he flirted with the intentions of making a girl drool over him. Monogamous, we are. Thoughts and actions through and through. But that works for us.
So it's cheating if he doesn't inform you that he's watching porn?

Cause to me, watching porn solo is sort of a private thing. Like pooping. Does he have to tell you when he poops too? Some people need solo time, and don't always want to have their partner with them. That doesn't mean they don't like their partner. It means they need some alone time and some privacy. Solo time isn't only for sexual gratification. Solo time can't just be covered by a partner. They are equal and separate and are pretty different from each other.

The more you cling the harder they push to get away.

First highlight: If that is their agreement as a couple, then yes, that would be cheating.

Second highlight: What are you implying? That she may drive her man away, or to cheat?

FiancB · April 2015

larrygaga said:

Sugargirl1019 said:

Cause to me, watching porn solo is sort of a private thing. Like pooping. Does he have to tell you when he poops too? Some people need solo time, and don't always want to have their partner with them. That doesn't mean they don't like their partner. It means they need some alone time and some privacy. Solo time isn't only for sexual gratification. Solo time can't just be covered by a partner. They are equal and separate and are pretty different from each other.

Ditto. Sometimes I just want to do my thing, quick and easy and don't really feel the need to check in first. I don't think H is much of a porn watcher but I assume he did when we were long distance.

My ex was more open about his porn habit. It only got to be an issue when it became clear he'd rather diddle himself in the next room than be with me.

themosthappy91 · April 2015

hellosweetie1015 said:
I saw a couple people saying "this is cheating" or "that's cheating" in the strip club thread, and then the discussion of Tom and Eve in CW's thread came up, and so now I'm really curious about what's considered cheating in your relationships. I know it's a different threshold for different couples and for different individuals, and I'm legitimately FASCINATED by it.

For me and FI, it's like this. FI's bi, so if/when he decides he needs some boy bits in his life, he knows he's free to get them so long as he's upfront with me about it (preferably a day or so notice). I don't have boy bits, and I've got no desire to go get any more permanent ones than I can buy from Adam and Eve or whatever. So this is easier.

I'm not bi, but I am curious enough that I'm down for threesomes in theory. In practice, I may find out that I'm not able to handle them in a healthy way, but I want to try. So, obviously a threesome is likely going to have a person of the opposite gender to one of us, and we're both cool with that.

Outside of any potential threesomes, sexual contact with a person of the opposite gender is cheating. If at any point emotional connections that go beyond friendship are formed, no matter if there's a sexual component to the friendship or not, that's a problem. Getting his boy-bit fix without telling me beforehand is cheating (and vice versa, should I discover that lady-bits are a thing I like).

I have an honest questions about this arrangement for you (or anyone else with a similar arrangement)- how does this work health-wise? Like does he always wear a condom, does he not get intimate with a new partner before seeing proof that they are free of STDs, do you have to get yourself tested a lot? I'm genuinely curious- coming from someone who has never considered this sort of arrangement, my first instinct is to be scared of the possible health consequences. How do you make sure it's safe?

afox007 · April 2015

larrygaga said:

Sugargirl1019 said:
I am the same with "if you're hiding it from me, you're cheating". Whether it is buying large scale things behind my back, sexting girls, etc. I would also include watching porn behind my back. If I found out, I would be furious. But this might come from the fact that I have much larger sexual appetite than H, and if I found out he was getting sexual satisfaction from somewhere other than me, I'd feel hurt and thus cheated because I'd feel like it was harming our sexual relations. I am in the mood every day, he isn't. I don't want to find out that you're "not in the mood" because you've been looking elsewhere for it behind my back.

I'm open to looking at it together to stimulate things, but he has turned it down every time saying he doesn't need it, just needs me.

I'd also say it's cheating if he flirted with the intentions of making a girl drool over him. Monogamous, we are. Thoughts and actions through and through. But that works for us.
So it's cheating if he doesn't inform you that he's watching porn?

Cause to me, watching porn solo is sort of a private thing. Like pooping. Does he have to tell you when he poops too? Some people need solo time, and don't always want to have their partner with them. That doesn't mean they don't like their partner. It means they need some alone time and some privacy. Solo time isn't only for sexual gratification. Solo time can't just be covered by a partner. They are equal and separate and are pretty different from each other.

The more you cling the harder they push to get away.

I gotta agree with you Larry porn is private (at least most of the time). I have nights when FI is busy and I just wanna get things done and over with, but my imagination isn't cooperating. I know FI has nights where he does the same thing. Do we tell each other? No. Do we need to? No. Sure we have nights where we watch it together and often laugh at the cheesy music/bad acting, but our alone time is ours not each others.

JennyColada · April 2015

themosthappy91 said:

hellosweetie1015 said:
I saw a couple people saying "this is cheating" or "that's cheating" in the strip club thread, and then the discussion of Tom and Eve in CW's thread came up, and so now I'm really curious about what's considered cheating in your relationships. I know it's a different threshold for different couples and for different individuals, and I'm legitimately FASCINATED by it.

For me and FI, it's like this. FI's bi, so if/when he decides he needs some boy bits in his life, he knows he's free to get them so long as he's upfront with me about it (preferably a day or so notice). I don't have boy bits, and I've got no desire to go get any more permanent ones than I can buy from Adam and Eve or whatever. So this is easier.

I'm not bi, but I am curious enough that I'm down for threesomes in theory. In practice, I may find out that I'm not able to handle them in a healthy way, but I want to try. So, obviously a threesome is likely going to have a person of the opposite gender to one of us, and we're both cool with that.

Outside of any potential threesomes, sexual contact with a person of the opposite gender is cheating. If at any point emotional connections that go beyond friendship are formed, no matter if there's a sexual component to the friendship or not, that's a problem. Getting his boy-bit fix without telling me beforehand is cheating (and vice versa, should I discover that lady-bits are a thing I like).
I have an honest questions about this arrangement for you (or anyone else with a similar arrangement)- how does this work health-wise? Like does he always wear a condom, does he not get intimate with a new partner before seeing proof that they are free of STDs, do you have to get yourself tested a lot? I'm genuinely curious- coming from someone who has never considered this sort of arrangement, my first instinct is to be scared of the possible health consequences. How do you make sure it's safe?

For me, condoms are really important.
Even just personally they are important.
I'm 100% STD free (not even HSV!), and my ego really likes that fact.

As a partner, a lot of it is just trusting your partner's judgement. Just as you may not have (or have, I dunno) asked for "proof" of your partner's STD status (versus trusting when they say they were tested), any other partners are likely treated the same.

When I first met DH, I had a poly relationship. I had another boyfriend. As he was my only boufriend at the time, I didn't use condoms with that guy. As DH and I started getting more serious, we discussed that we'd like to not use condoms, but that he'd then prefer me to use condoms with anyone else. Made sense to me.

DH and I are in an open relationship. He doesn't feel comfortable with me having other relationships, but casual sex is ok. On my side, I don't think that there's anything that a partner could do in which I feel that they "physically" cheated. It's all emotional for me. I place pretty much 0 inherent value on sexual monogamy. I mean, if I found out DH were fucking some chick on the side, I wouldn't be upset about the sex (you get it man! She better be hot!), just the lying/hiding.

hellosweetie1015 · April 2015

themosthappy91 said:

hellosweetie1015 said:
I saw a couple people saying "this is cheating" or "that's cheating" in the strip club thread, and then the discussion of Tom and Eve in CW's thread came up, and so now I'm really curious about what's considered cheating in your relationships. I know it's a different threshold for different couples and for different individuals, and I'm legitimately FASCINATED by it.

For me and FI, it's like this. FI's bi, so if/when he decides he needs some boy bits in his life, he knows he's free to get them so long as he's upfront with me about it (preferably a day or so notice). I don't have boy bits, and I've got no desire to go get any more permanent ones than I can buy from Adam and Eve or whatever. So this is easier.

I'm not bi, but I am curious enough that I'm down for threesomes in theory. In practice, I may find out that I'm not able to handle them in a healthy way, but I want to try. So, obviously a threesome is likely going to have a person of the opposite gender to one of us, and we're both cool with that.

Outside of any potential threesomes, sexual contact with a person of the opposite gender is cheating. If at any point emotional connections that go beyond friendship are formed, no matter if there's a sexual component to the friendship or not, that's a problem. Getting his boy-bit fix without telling me beforehand is cheating (and vice versa, should I discover that lady-bits are a thing I like).
I have an honest questions about this arrangement for you (or anyone else with a similar arrangement)- how does this work health-wise? Like does he always wear a condom, does he not get intimate with a new partner before seeing proof that they are free of STDs, do you have to get yourself tested a lot? I'm genuinely curious- coming from someone who has never considered this sort of arrangement, my first instinct is to be scared of the possible health consequences. How do you make sure it's safe?

His intent is to wear a condom with any of his extramarital exploits, and he's also meticulous about his sexual partner's health and his (and consequently my) own. We'll get tested as often as we feel necessary for our peace of mind.

Of course, at the moment all of our boundaries are hypothetical. He's not comfortable enough with anyone here to approach them with that kind of arrangement. He's only even out to one of my sisters out of both of our families, and that was mostly by accident.

wandajune6 · April 2015

Cheating and open relationships are tricky. DH is much more traditional about relationships than I am. We're monogamous and we're both ok with that. To make any type of relationship work, be it monogamy or otherwise, both people need to truly be ok with it. You're setting yourself up for heartbreak when you agree to something you don't want.

When I've been in open relationships in the past, it was always done as a way to fix a problem in the relationship. With one ex, he was into something that I wasn't. I looked at it as outsourcing but he saw it as a lack of compatibility. He was right.

In another relationship, he pushed to opened our relationship. I had a higher drive than he did and he thought I could get someone to "supplement" our sex life. Once we were starting to break up, he told me that he honestly thought that the option would be enough and that I would never actually sleep with anyone else. He thought that giving me the option made him such the understanding, wonderful bf that I would never want anyone else. When I did sleep with someone else (and within the boundaries of our rules), he couldn't handle it. It wasn't our only (serious) issue but it was enough to make us split.

I think the boundaries for cheating are particular to each relationship. For us, cheating we consider cheating to be anything sexual or emotional that would hurt the other person. I know how seriously DH takes sex and relationships. If he kissed anyone romantically, I'd be devastated because I would know that it was a sign of a serious issue. I'm much more casual in my views of sex but I know his feelings and therefore draw the line at the same place. I think cheating needs to be defined by the person with the broadest view to avoid hurt feelings.

MadHops21 · April 2015

FI and I are monogamous. He jokes about three-somes and talking to other girls to get involved with us, but he's really just doing it to get a reaction because I pout and make funny faces at him when he does this because we both really know we won't do it.

I'm too greedy and selfish, I can't share him with another women. Jealousy and trust issues would arise if I did it. I know me.

redoryx · April 2015

wandajune6 said:
Cheating and open relationships are tricky. DH is much more traditional about relationships than I am. We're monogamous and we're both ok with that. To make any type of relationship work, be it monogamy or otherwise, both people need to truly be ok with it. You're setting yourself up for heartbreak when you agree to something you don't want.

When I've been in open relationships in the past, it was always done as a way to fix a problem in the relationship. With one ex, he was into something that I wasn't. I looked at it as outsourcing but he saw it as a lack of compatibility. He was right.

In another relationship, he pushed to opened our relationship. I had a higher drive than he did and he thought I could get someone to "supplement" our sex life. Once we were starting to break up, he told me that he honestly thought that the option would be enough and that I would never actually sleep with anyone else. He thought that giving me the option made him such the understanding, wonderful bf that I would never want anyone else. When I did sleep with someone else (and within the boundaries of our rules), he couldn't handle it. It wasn't our only (serious) issue but it was enough to make us split.

I think the boundaries for cheating are particular to each relationship. For us, cheating we consider cheating to be anything sexual or emotional that would hurt the other person. I know how seriously DH takes sex and relationships. If he kissed anyone romantically, I'd be devastated because I would know that it was a sign of a serious issue. I'm much more casual in my views of sex but I know his feelings and therefore draw the line at the same place. I think cheating needs to be defined by the person with the broadest view to avoid hurt feelings.

This is important -- don't agree to something you aren't actually comfortable following through on (or having your partner follow through on)

Spinoff - Cheating (Possibly way too much TMI.... you've been warned.)

Re: Spinoff - Cheating (Possibly way too much TMI.... you've been warned.)

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