Pre-wedding Parties

Are we obligated to stay at hotel and participate in activities the day before a wedding?

My husband's cousin is getting married far from us, but very close to my grandfather.  This year, we decided to visit and stay with my grandfather the same week of the wedding, so we can make 1 trip instead of 2.  His cousin has told us that they want us to stay at the wedding hotel for 2 days & nights because the wedding is a weekend affair and they want us to participate in the activities.  To quote parts of the email, they are saying "it is important that you stay at the hotel both nights.  We are taking care of accomodations and that is that!  We are sending this email to [other relatives] so they can make sure you stay at the hotel with the rest of the family.  We need you to stay with all of us or it will not be as much as we want it to be.  Okay, so just say yes, please!"  They offered to pay for the hotel, which is nice, but it's not the cost that is a concern.  It is frustrating because we have made plans with my grandfather.  Given the distance, we only see him once a year, and we have limited vacation time, so we would like to maximize our time with him.  We see this cousin almost once a month.  Is appropriate to tell the bride and groom that we are honored, but we already have plans?  How do we respond to the email they sent us?  Thank you for your input on this!

Re: Are we obligated to stay at hotel and participate in activities the day before a wedding?

  • lovegood90lovegood90 Ontario member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited April 2015

    It is absolutely not required, and your husband's cousin is being rude by being so pushy. The only things you are "required" to attend/participate in by accepting the invite to their wedding are the ceremony and reception. Weddings are not "weekend" affairs as this cousin puts it; that's pretty ridiculous and selfish.

    Just respond simply, "unfortunately we have other plans, but we will see you at the wedding! Can't wait!" and leave it at that. It leaves little room for them to question/guilt you further. Then I'd just ignore any further pushing from them if they continue.

    Formerly martha1818

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    [Deleted User]mrsdee15Blue_Bird
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    jivenwale said:

    My husband's cousin is getting married far from us, but very close to my grandfather.  This year, we decided to visit and stay with my grandfather the same week of the wedding, so we can make 1 trip instead of 2.  His cousin has told us that they want us to stay at the wedding hotel for 2 days & nights because the wedding is a weekend affair and they want us to participate in the activities.  To quote parts of the email, they are saying "it is important that you stay at the hotel both nights.  We are taking care of accomodations and that is that!  We are sending this email to [other relatives] so they can make sure you stay at the hotel with the rest of the family.  We need you to stay with all of us or it will not be as much as we want it to be.  Okay, so just say yes, please!"  They offered to pay for the hotel, which is nice, but it's not the cost that is a concern.  It is frustrating because we have made plans with my grandfather.  Given the distance, we only see him once a year, and we have limited vacation time, so we would like to maximize our time with him.  We see this cousin almost once a month.  Is appropriate to tell the bride and groom that we are honored, but we already have plans?  How do we respond to the email they sent us?  Thank you for your input on this!



    It's not your responsibility to make the weekend "as much as they want it to be." They're getting to be married, and many of their family and friends will be in attendance - that should be enough for them. Demanding anything else is super selfish and self-important.

    PP's wording is good for a response.

    [Deleted User]
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    jivenwale said:

    My husband's cousin is getting married far from us, but very close to my grandfather.  This year, we decided to visit and stay with my grandfather the same week of the wedding, so we can make 1 trip instead of 2.  His cousin has told us that they want us to stay at the wedding hotel for 2 days & nights because the wedding is a weekend affair and they want us to participate in the activities.  To quote parts of the email, they are saying "it is important that you stay at the hotel both nights.  We are taking care of accomodations and that is that!  We are sending this email to [other relatives] so they can make sure you stay at the hotel with the rest of the family.  We need you to stay with all of us or it will not be as much as we want it to be.  Okay, so just say yes, please!"  They offered to pay for the hotel, which is nice, but it's not the cost that is a concern.  It is frustrating because we have made plans with my grandfather.  Given the distance, we only see him once a year, and we have limited vacation time, so we would like to maximize our time with him.  We see this cousin almost once a month.  Is appropriate to tell the bride and groom that we are honored, but we already have plans?  How do we respond to the email they sent us?  Thank you for your input on this!

    Man that's pushy as hell and would irritate me.  They get a day, not your whole weekend.  I would reply, "I'm so sorry, but we have already made arrangements for the weekend.  We can't wait to see you at the wedding!"

    Also, being trapped at a hotel and made to participate in activities with my extended family would be my personal hell.  They don't get to make that call for me.  Actually, this really bugs me.  They are being super manipulative with this message.  Don't feel guilty for one second, OP.  This is ridiculous. 


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    [Deleted User]mrsdee15
  • Nope, nope, nope.  Insert octopus running away gif here (I don't gif).

    "It's so wonderful of you to want to pay for our accommodations for the weekend.  However we've already made alternate plans.  We're thrilled to attend your wedding and spend time with you at the reception."
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    adk19 said:

    Nope, nope, nope.  Insert octopus running away gif here (I don't gif).


    "It's so wonderful of you to want to pay for our accommodations for the weekend.  However we've already made alternate plans.  We're thrilled to attend your wedding and spend time with you at the reception."
    Don't worry, I got you.

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    [Deleted User]
  • Hi all, thank you very much for the quick responses.  It is helpful to know that my frustration is appropriate!  I really appreciate your suggestions as to how I should respond to her email... they are worded very nicely!

  • You absolutely do not need to participate in any activities you do not want to for them.  Attending the wedding is more than enough!
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