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Unfriendly FSIL as a Bridesmaid?

bleve0821bleve0821 member
First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
in Wedding Party
My FI's SIL can't stand me.  I have no idea why, as I did not do anything to her.  The feeling is not mutual.  I have tried for years to be as nice as I can, making gesture after gesture of friendship, which is hard considering she makes no effort to hide her feelings.  But after years of being treated like the dog s--t she stepped in, I've beyond reached the end of my rope.  Mediation has not worked; she says there's no problem but her attitude continues to say otherwise.

Now, my FI wants me to include her as part of my wedding party, and I have flat out told him "No" on multiple occasions.  I don't want that kind of negativity around me on my wedding day, or any day leading up to it.  He says he understands, but also says it would be "the ultimate gesture of friendship" if I asked.  I am also getting pressure from my FMIL.

This relationship (or lack thereof) is hurting the relationship my FI has with his brother.  I don't want to be the cause of that.  But I do not want this woman around me on my wedding day.

Does anyone have any kind of advice?


"And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
--Philip Pullman

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Re: Unfriendly FSIL as a Bridesmaid?

  • minttobemrsbminttobemrsb member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Do not ask her. Continue trying to be friendly (or at least civil) with her and don't even bring it up. If he or anyone else asks just tell them that you have already chosen your bridal party/ are still deciding but that it is not open for discussion. 

    Your FI and his brother's relationship has should have nothing to do with the relationship of their wives. Also, he had no business running to get his mom involved. 
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    Don't ask her. Hold strong. Your bridal party is for your closest friends that you want to honor, not for trying to force a friendship with someone that doesn't like you. 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    If your FI wants her in the WP, he can ask her to stand on his side. And he needs to shut his mom down. This is none of her business, and he needs to tell her to leave you alone about it.

    Stand your ground on this. A WP will not turn you into friends or change your relationship. Ask your closest friends/siblings and be done with it. 
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  • bleve0821bleve0821 member
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    Thanks for the advice, guys. I do want to mention that my FI isn't blaming me for anything, he's just disappointed that he can't have the inclusive relationship he wants with his brother and SIL because of the tension between us.  I've told him repeatedly I'm quite happy to stay home and binge watch Drop Dead Diva while he hangs out with them, but he's adamant that we come as a unit.  I can't really argue with that, because it's a valid point, but at the same time it's ridiculous.  He hasn't made an effort to get to know her because of this stupid drama.  


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

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  • mikenbergermikenberger member
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    Maggie0829 said:

    Bleve0821 said:

    Thanks for the advice, guys. I do want to mention that my FI isn't blaming me for anything, he's just disappointed that he can't have the inclusive relationship he wants with his brother and SIL because of the tension between us.  I've told him repeatedly I'm quite happy to stay home and binge watch Drop Dead Diva while he hangs out with them, but he's adamant that we come as a unit.  I can't really argue with that, because it's a valid point, but at the same time it's ridiculous.  He hasn't made an effort to get to know her because of this stupid drama.  

    But that is him partially blaming you.  Which is bullshit.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    edited April 2015
    Yeah, he has no business blaming you. Tell him that if you come as a unit, that means he has to stand by you and not only not expect you to "make the ultimate gesture of friendship" with someone who treats you like dog crap or have an "inclusive relationship" with someone who doesn't like you and has made clear that she won't reciprocate, but he has to be on your side when it comes to his mother. He needs to say to her, "Mom, stop pressuring Bleve0821 to make SIL a bridesmaid. It's up to Bleve0821, not either of us. SIL has been the problem. The subject is closed."

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  • novella1186novella1186 member
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    Putting someone in your bridal party that you have tension with is gonna make that tension blow up. Bad. I would know; I put my sister in my bridal party even though she has a tendency to be a total bitch and can get really mean and nasty for no reason. 

    Guess what happened? She went completely psycho at my engagement party. The entire family jumped in on the drama to try to "fix it" which then caused a lot of tension and fighting between my mom and I. I ended up in therapy. My sister didn't speak to me for 8 months. She refused to be in my wedding. Now she wants back in my wedding even though she's still not talking to me. And so on and so on. 

    It's been a giant fucking mess. Putting someone in your bridal party does not make them your friend. It makes your issues with them way worse, and gives them a far greater opportunity to fuck things up. 
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    Making friendships or new relationships is a two way street. It's nice you've tried for your part, but if she doesn't put in the effort it will never happen. That is something she and her husband need to work out if the two brothers aren't happy with the situation. Sometimes though you just have to let things go, not everyone is meant to be friends but it's good you continue to be polite.

    Like everyone else has said, do not be guilted into putting her in your bridal party. That is for your closest friends/family, not someone who others feel you should have. It's your support group - for your bridal shower, bachelorette, various preparations and especially day of, if you can't count on her don't count her in.
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  • lovegood90lovegood90 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    Your bridal party should be YOUR nearest and dearest- not people you feel guilted into including or people you are hoping to mend fences with. As PPs have said, that will do no one any good.

    If your Fi really wants her included, she can stand on his side. I would also advise having a come-to-deity talk with him about needing to support you 100% on your decisions, being a united front, and that you won't put up with any guilting by anyone else in his family.

    Formerly martha1818

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  • flantasticflantastic member
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    It's too bad that you and your FI can't hang out with his brother and his wife as couples because SHE is making it difficult. Tell him that you've already put in a great deal of effort and she's clearly not interested, which has nothing to do with you and your behavior and there's no reason for you to continue banging your head against this wall. You don't need to put up with being treated like shit (in general or with her in your wedding party), and it is not at all your fault that this is the way things are.

    Sometimes our adult social lives don't work out the way we always envisioned because our siblings marry shitty people. Neither of you had control over that. He needs to let go of his vision.

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    redoryx said:

    Bleve0821 said:

    Thanks for the advice, guys. I do want to mention that my FI isn't blaming me for anything, he's just disappointed that he can't have the inclusive relationship he wants with his brother and SIL because of the tension between us.  I've told him repeatedly I'm quite happy to stay home and binge watch Drop Dead Diva while he hangs out with them, but he's adamant that we come as a unit.  I can't really argue with that, because it's a valid point, but at the same time it's ridiculous.  He hasn't made an effort to get to know her because of this stupid drama.  

    **boxes boxes**

    No. No it's not. Unless you two are literally joined at the hip there is nothing stopping him from hanging out with them on his own. Insisting on doing as a unit is a choice he is making and it's not okay to make that choice and then get upset when you don't make the same choice. 


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  • Bubblegum5586Bubblegum5586 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    Don't do it.

    I can't count how many posts I have read of brides asking someone in hopes it will improve their relationship and it never works!
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  • gerdingpairgerdingpair member
    First Comment
    I agree with all the other posts. The people you choose to have surround you on your special day are people that deserve to be there. She, clearly, does not. 

    Having said that, most of the issues with in-laws can be solved with an honest, lock-us-in-a-room-until-we-get-to-the-bottom-of-our-angst conversation. As in, a straight up question posed to her "why do you treat me like this?" There may be some underlying issue that gives her (in her mind) every right to treat you like shit. My experience tells me that it's probably an insecurity on her part and she feels threatened by you in some fashion. From your post and your short responses, my gut tells me you're probably smart enough and balanced enough to be successful at having this type of conversation with her without letting emotions get out of control. 

    My question would be, does SHE want to be part of your wedding or is it everyone else that wants it? If you can straight up ask her, and she says yes, then perhaps give her some sort of task with the understanding that this is her way of proving that she's worthy of being a part of your life, let alone your day. Make it something  that you can check up on her progress and take back over if she's failing (just in case she thinks she's going to sabotage you.)  Making decorations, being in charge of the cake, coordinating hotel rooms, etc are all good jobs that will make her feel like she is important, yet won't ruin the day if she doesn't come through because you can have a back up person just in case. Find out what she is good at/enjoys doing and try to give her a task along those lines where she feels like she can shine. If you give her something she hates doing, she will see it as an attack. IF she actually comes through, then a mention in the "thank you's" speech during the reception (if you do one) would be enough to publicly announce your "bond". If she fails, that same speech thanking whoever took over for her will be enough to let her, and everyone else, know she blew her one chance. Go one more and put the brother in charge of keeping her accountable.

    Yes, it's not fair that you should have to deal with this on top of planning the wedding. But if you can find some sort of compromise now, it may save a lot of heartache in the family later. The olive branch does not have to be as big as everyone is wanting, but it should still be extended. 

    My first wedding was all about MY day and MY marriage and what I wanted. My second wedding was so much more fun and memorable because I realized that in the end, having what I wanted isn't what makes it a special day. It's all about the people you're surrounded by enjoying being there with you. 
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  • mikenbergermikenberger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    gerdingpair said:

    I agree with all the other posts. The people you choose to have surround you on your special day are people that deserve to be there. She, clearly, does not. 


    Having said that, most of the issues with in-laws can be solved with an honest, lock-us-in-a-room-until-we-get-to-the-bottom-of-our-angst conversation. As in, a straight up question posed to her "why do you treat me like this?" There may be some underlying issue that gives her (in her mind) every right to treat you like shit. My experience tells me that it's probably an insecurity on her part and she feels threatened by you in some fashion. From your post and your short responses, my gut tells me you're probably smart enough and balanced enough to be successful at having this type of conversation with her without letting emotions get out of control. 

    If someone in my family did this to me after knowing that a particular person didn't get along with me... I wouldn't speak to that family member again. You don't have to like someone to maintain peace with them. I think the OP is just looking for a little peace in the family but not necessarily a new best friend to braid her hair. I wouldn't need an outside part to interfere and put their nose into my business to force me to get along with someone.

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  • levioosalevioosa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    gerdingpair said:

    I agree with all the other posts. The people you choose to have surround you on your special day are people that deserve to be there. She, clearly, does not. 


    Having said that, most of the issues with in-laws can be solved with an honest, lock-us-in-a-room-until-we-get-to-the-bottom-of-our-angst conversation. As in, a straight up question posed to her "why do you treat me like this?" There may be some underlying issue that gives her (in her mind) every right to treat you like shit. My experience tells me that it's probably an insecurity on her part and she feels threatened by you in some fashion. From your post and your short responses, my gut tells me you're probably smart enough and balanced enough to be successful at having this type of conversation with her without letting emotions get out of control. 

    My question would be, does SHE want to be part of your wedding or is it everyone else that wants it? If you can straight up ask her, and she says yes, then perhaps give her some sort of task with the understanding that this is her way of proving that she's worthy of being a part of your life, let alone your day. Make it something  that you can check up on her progress and take back over if she's failing (just in case she thinks she's going to sabotage you.)  Making decorations, being in charge of the cake, coordinating hotel rooms, etc are all good jobs that will make her feel like she is important, yet won't ruin the day if she doesn't come through because you can have a back up person just in case. Find out what she is good at/enjoys doing and try to give her a task along those lines where she feels like she can shine. If you give her something she hates doing, she will see it as an attack. IF she actually comes through, then a mention in the "thank you's" speech during the reception (if you do one) would be enough to publicly announce your "bond". If she fails, that same speech thanking whoever took over for her will be enough to let her, and everyone else, know she blew her one chance. Go one more and put the brother in charge of keeping her accountable.

    Yes, it's not fair that you should have to deal with this on top of planning the wedding. But if you can find some sort of compromise now, it may save a lot of heartache in the family later. The olive branch does not have to be as big as everyone is wanting, but it should still be extended. 

    My first wedding was all about MY day and MY marriage and what I wanted. My second wedding was so much more fun and memorable because I realized that in the end, having what I wanted isn't what makes it a special day. It's all about the people you're surrounded by enjoying being there with you. 
    WTF.  This is horrible advice.  OP, run away from this advice.


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  • geebee908geebee908 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    gerdingpair said:

    I agree with all the other posts. The people you choose to have surround you on your special day are people that deserve to be there. She, clearly, does not. 


    Having said that, most of the issues with in-laws can be solved with an honest, lock-us-in-a-room-until-we-get-to-the-bottom-of-our-angst conversation. As in, a straight up question posed to her "why do you treat me like this?" There may be some underlying issue that gives her (in her mind) every right to treat you like shit. My experience tells me that it's probably an insecurity on her part and she feels threatened by you in some fashion. From your post and your short responses, my gut tells me you're probably smart enough and balanced enough to be successful at having this type of conversation with her without letting emotions get out of control. 

    My question would be, does SHE want to be part of your wedding or is it everyone else that wants it? If you can straight up ask her, and she says yes, then perhaps give her some sort of task with the understanding that this is her way of proving that she's worthy of being a part of your life, let alone your day. Make it something  that you can check up on her progress and take back over if she's failing (just in case she thinks she's going to sabotage you.)  Making decorations, being in charge of the cake, coordinating hotel rooms, etc are all good jobs that will make her feel like she is important, yet won't ruin the day if she doesn't come through because you can have a back up person just in case. Find out what she is good at/enjoys doing and try to give her a task along those lines where she feels like she can shine. If you give her something she hates doing, she will see it as an attack. IF she actually comes through, then a mention in the "thank you's" speech during the reception (if you do one) would be enough to publicly announce your "bond". If she fails, that same speech thanking whoever took over for her will be enough to let her, and everyone else, know she blew her one chance. Go one more and put the brother in charge of keeping her accountable.

    Yes, it's not fair that you should have to deal with this on top of planning the wedding. But if you can find some sort of compromise now, it may save a lot of heartache in the family later. The olive branch does not have to be as big as everyone is wanting, but it should still be extended. 

    My first wedding was all about MY day and MY marriage and what I wanted. My second wedding was so much more fun and memorable because I realized that in the end, having what I wanted isn't what makes it a special day. It's all about the people you're surrounded by enjoying being there with you. 
    I agree-- horrible advice. I'm sure what she's looking for from the OP is work to do. That should help their relationship. There's nothing more irritating than having the "honor" of helping the couple with their grunt work because you're sooo important to them. Puhleese.
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  • Vivandiere8Vivandiere8 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    gerdingpair said:



    My first wedding was all about MY day and MY marriage and what I wanted. My second wedding was so much more fun and memorable because I realized that in the end, having what I wanted isn't what makes it a special day. It's all about the people you're surrounded by enjoying being there with you. 
    But this part right here is very good advice! Wish all first time brides would take it to heart.
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  • Knottie42669964Knottie42669964 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited April 2015


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  • mikenbergermikenberger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Knottie42669964 said:

    I went through the exact same situation. I got to the point that I didn't care anymore because it was my bridesmaids. If he gets to choose who he wants to stand by his side, you should be able to as well. If he wants her to be apart of the wedding so badly, give her a small job to do. Like guest book or whatever. But this day is suppose to be so special and you shouldn't have someone who isn't kind to you be a bridesmaid.

    No. This is a bullshit job. And unnecessary. People know what to do with a guest book.

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  • Knottie42669964Knottie42669964 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited April 2015


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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Knottie42669964 said:

    I went through the exact same situation. I got to the point that I didn't care anymore because it was my bridesmaids. If he gets to choose who he wants to stand by his side, you should be able to as well. If he wants her to be apart of the wedding so badly, give her a small job to do. Like guest book or whatever. But this day is suppose to be so special and you shouldn't have someone who isn't kind to you be a bridesmaid.

    Don't do this. 

    "What do I do with this pen and this book that says 'guest book'? I see there are names and addresses here, but... I'm so confused! I wish there was someone tending to this book to tell me what to do!" Said no wedding guest ever....
    *********************************************************************************

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