The "No Kids" thing...again...

Re: The "No Kids" thing...again...

• fyrchk member

  

  April 2015

  Wow...sorry about the typo's!

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  April 2015

  Well your FSD will be 18, so a legal adult.

  
  

  Regardless you are allowed to invite who you want. 

  
  

   Sometimes you just have to be blunt about no kids.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• whovianstark member

  

  April 2015

  This is my nightmare! But it sounds to me like you are doing all of the right things... I seriously can't believe someone stated she is going to make her daughter be your flower girl... I'm sure if you WERE going to have a flower girl there is a girl that is much closer to you that you would have selected. That's as bad as someone saying "I'm so excited to be a bridesmaid" when you never asked them.

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  April 2015

  Some parents are blinded by their little Special Snowflakes in training. Stand firm. Tell those mom's that their children aren't invited and they won't be allowed in if they show up. I can't believe the audacity of your coworker.
  By the way, your daughter isn't a child, but if she was it's your prerogative to invite her to your 'no kids' wedding. You don't have to justify your guest list to anybody.

                     

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• flbride2015 member

  

  April 2015

  fyrchk said:

  I know the kid thing has been asked to death but I feel like I am losing my mind. We are having a no-kids wedding. FI's daughter will be 18 when we get married and will be the only "kid" there. My issue is this: I have a co-worker who knows she is invited who keeps saying she is going to dress her daughter up (who will then be about 3) and make her my flower girl. The first time she mentioned this, I stated we weren't having kids at the wedding to which she then replied she wasn't coming. I told her I understood but explained the costs, etc (and she just got married last year, so she KNOWS all of this stuff). She has since mentioned it like 5 times. I've gotten to the point when I'm just ignoring it. How do I make sure she understands that I'm not joking around about the kid thing?

  I also have two bridesmaids who have mentioned bringing their children even though I have said that it is an adults only wedding and reception. I think one bridesmaid got it. The other one hasn't. And my MOH has even mentioned on multiple occasions that she has found a babysitter for her daughter since we aren't allowing children.

  Does anyone have any hints on other ways I can say, "no kids." Other than just that? And I know some people don't agree with that decision but I can't afford it and we are already whittling our list down from a ton of friends we want to invite.

  I also apologize for how poorly this is written but I'm on my phone and once just accosted again by the co-worker so I'm frustrated.

  Not trying to hijack your thread, but I don't get this. We had someone offer up their kid as flower girl as well, and we'e not even close to them. Close enough to invite them but not close enough to have them in the wedding party (if we were even having one). Now I'm wondering if they're concerned it'll be a "no kids" wedding and that't their way of getting the kids invited (the kids are definitely invited btw, our wedding is super kid friendly).
  

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• Knottie23368624 member

  

  April 2015

  Eek! I'm having an adult only reception and it really hasn't been an issue for me...I made it clear by addressing invites and on my wedding page...

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• Jen4948 member

  

  April 2015 edited April 2015

  Knottie23368624 said:

  Eek! I'm having an adult only reception and it really hasn't been an issue for me...I made it clear by addressing invites and on my wedding page...

  How exactly did you "make it clear" ? Hopefully you simply addressed the invitations only to those persons actually invited. If you put any kind of "no kids" or "adults only" message on them, then that'd be rude. It'd not polite to list who isn't invited.
  
  OP, I'm sorry this is happening to you. You may just have to take these people aside and tell them, "Listen: I've told you several times that your kids are not invited. This isn't changing. Please don't bring them, because we won't be able to accommodate them." Don't explain or defend your decision, because these people will see that as opening the door to further argument about it.

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• huskypuppy14 member

  

  April 2015 edited April 2015

  I just want to reiterate what I've posted many times before.

  
  

  Children are guests just like anyone else. That means you can invite no children at all, you can invite 1 child and no one else, you can pick and choose which children you want to invite (as long as you invite minor siblings together), or you can invite every child of every guest. It's rude for people to try to invite uninvited guests to your wedding, whether they are adults or children.

  
  

  People seem to be worried that if you invite one or two children you must invite everyone's children. This is just not true. Invite the children you want to invite, and if that is no children, that's fine too.

  
  

  You don't put who is not invited on the invitation, website or any other wedding correspondence. You would never say, "no people over the age of 75 are allowed at my wedding", so why is it any different when the people are under 18?

  
  

  ETA: If people add extra people on their RSVP card, you call them up and say "I'm sorry for the confusion, but the invitation is only for you and your spouses. I hope you can still attend." Have a seating chart so people can't bring univitied guests.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• TrixieJess member

  

  April 2015

  fyrchk said:

  I know the kid thing has been asked to death but I feel like I am losing my mind. We are having a no-kids wedding. FI's daughter will be 18 when we get married and will be the only "kid" there. My issue is this: I have a co-worker who knows she is invited who keeps saying she is going to dress her daughter up (who will then be about 3) and make her my flower girl. The first time she mentioned this, I stated we weren't having kids at the wedding to which she then replied she wasn't coming. I told her I understood but explained the costs, etc (and she just got married last year, so she KNOWS all of this stuff). She has since mentioned it like 5 times. I've gotten to the point when I'm just ignoring it. How do I make sure she understands that I'm not joking around about the kid thing?

  I also have two bridesmaids who have mentioned bringing their children even though I have said that it is an adults only wedding and reception. I think one bridesmaid got it. The other one hasn't. And my MOH has even mentioned on multiple occasions that she has found a babysitter for her daughter since we aren't allowing children.

  Does anyone have any hints on other ways I can say, "no kids." Other than just that? And I know some people don't agree with that decision but I can't afford it and we are already whittling our list down from a ton of friends we want to invite.

  I also apologize for how poorly this is written but I'm on my phone and once just accosted again by the co-worker so I'm frustrated.

  Nope. You just have to keep telling them that their children are not invited and if this causes problems for them coming to the wedding, you will make arrangements to visit them after. Who in the Hell are these entitled parents that ASK if they can bring their uninvited children? 

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• Maggie0829 member

  

  April 2015

  How in the world does inviting your FI daughter who is actually a legal adult make this lady think that her 3 year old child should now be included.  And further, how insane is she to push her kid as your flower girl?  I just don't understand some parents thinking.

  
  

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• fyrchk member

  

  April 2015

  I should also include, I've only seen her daughter one time. Ever.

  Thanks everyone for the advice. I guess I'm just frustrated because I've said, "No children." And it's like I haven't said a word. I kind of get why people put it on invitations now even though it's considered tacky. It's like, "YOU HAVE IT IN WRITING! YOU CAN'T PRETEND YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME!" I'm trying to figure out the best way to word the RSVP card that doesn't allow for the addition of kids.

  Sorry, kinda rage-y this morning.

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• Heffalump member

  

  April 2015

  Maggie0829 said:

  How in the world does inviting your FI daughter who is actually a legal adult make this lady think that her 3 year old child should now be included.  And further, how insane is she to push her kid as your flower girl?  I just don't understand some parents thinking.

  She probably wants to dress the kid up and parade her around like a princess, and the OPs wedding is as good an excuse as any.  I know people like this, and they scare me.
  

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• lovegood90 member

  

  April 2015

  fyrchk said:

  I should also include, I've only seen her daughter one time. Ever.

  Thanks everyone for the advice. I guess I'm just frustrated because I've said, "No children." And it's like I haven't said a word. I kind of get why people put it on invitations now even though it's considered tacky. It's like, "YOU HAVE IT IN WRITING! YOU CAN'T PRETEND YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME!" I'm trying to figure out the best way to word the RSVP card that doesn't allow for the addition of kids.

  Sorry, kinda rage-y this morning.

  I think you can do something like, "1 seat is reserved in your honour" and then "(coworker name)__accepts __declines." So that it's very clear that ONE person is invited, and the ONE person invited is your coworker since you've written her name next to the option to accept/decline, you know?
  

  Formerly martha1818

  

  
  

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• fyrchk member

  

  April 2015

  Heffalump said:

  Maggie0829 said:

  How in the world does inviting your FI daughter who is actually a legal adult make this lady think that her 3 year old child should now be included.  And further, how insane is she to push her kid as your flower girl?  I just don't understand some parents thinking.

  She probably wants to dress the kid up and parade her around like a princess, and the OPs wedding is as good an excuse as any.  I know people like this, and they scare me.
  

  I think you are exactly right. She keeps mentioning a "big floofy dress." And "making her look like a cupcake."
  

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• Maggie0829 member

  

  April 2015

  fyrchk said:

  Heffalump said:

  Maggie0829 said:

  How in the world does inviting your FI daughter who is actually a legal adult make this lady think that her 3 year old child should now be included.  And further, how insane is she to push her kid as your flower girl?  I just don't understand some parents thinking.

  She probably wants to dress the kid up and parade her around like a princess, and the OPs wedding is as good an excuse as any.  I know people like this, and they scare me.
  

  I think you are exactly right. She keeps mentioning a "big floofy dress." And "making her look like a cupcake."
  

  God I really hate these types of parents.  They take being BSC to the next level.

  
  

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  April 2015

  "For the hundredth fucking time - your special snowflake is NOT invited!"

  
  

  Just kidding.

  
  

  You just have to keep repeating yourself and ensure people know. "I'm sorry for any confusion, but we aren't inviting children." "Oh, little Suzy won't be invited because we are having an adult only wedding." "I'm sorry you can't make it if Suzy can't come, but we aren't making exceptions to the 'no kid' rule." 

  
  

  When you send invitations, word your RSVP such that there's no confusion and that you can follow up with anyone who is still "confused":

  
  

  "We have reserved _2_ seats in honor of: _John and Sally Smith_

  __ # attending

  __decline

  
  

  Please put each guest's name by their menu choice:

  __________ Beef

  __________ Chicken

  __________ Vegetarian"

  
  

  If someone puts "3" next to attending or someone else's name next to the entree selection, then you'll have to call and say, "I'm sorry for any confusion but the invitation was address to you and your husband. We can't accommodate little Suzy." You might get "but I can't get child care" or "well then I'm not coming" or "but John can't come, so little Suzy is taking his place." And your response can be, "I'm sorry, we did not invite anyone's children and we can't make an exception for Suzy. Hope to see you and John there."

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  April 2015

  fyrchk said:

  I should also include, I've only seen her daughter one time. Ever.

  Thanks everyone for the advice. I guess I'm just frustrated because I've said, "No children." And it's like I haven't said a word. I kind of get why people put it on invitations now even though it's considered tacky. It's like, "YOU HAVE IT IN WRITING! YOU CAN'T PRETEND YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME!" I'm trying to figure out the best way to word the RSVP card that doesn't allow for the addition of kids.

  Sorry, kinda rage-y this morning.

                     

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  April 2015

  fyrchk said:

  I should also include, I've only seen her daughter one time. Ever.

  Thanks everyone for the advice. I guess I'm just frustrated because I've said, "No children." And it's like I haven't said a word. I kind of get why people put it on invitations now even though it's considered tacky. It's like, "YOU HAVE IT IN WRITING! YOU CAN'T PRETEND YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME!" I'm trying to figure out the best way to word the RSVP card that doesn't allow for the addition of kids.

  Sorry, kinda rage-y this morning.

                     

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  April 2015

  @fyrchk I responded to your quote, but TK ate my response. I know it's tacky to write 'no children' on the invitations, but, I'd make an exception in the case of your coworker. Just this one time. Do it.

                     

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• banana468 member

  

  April 2015

  The other part is that it's certainly fine etiquette - wise to lather, rinse and repeat NO.   If she keeps bringing it up, you're allowed to say, "You keep bringing this up but your daughter is not invited.  If you don't stop then you won't be either." 

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• fyrchk member

  

  April 2015

   

  banana468 said:

  The other part is that it's certainly fine etiquette - wise to lather, rinse and repeat NO.   If she keeps bringing it up, you're allowed to say, "You keep bringing this up but your daughter is not invited.  If you don't stop then you won't be either." 

  I actually thought that. Like when she originally said, "Well then I'm not coming either," and I said, "Okay." At first another co-worker and I thought she was kidding, but since then other co-worker has been like, "Whoa..." It's super-frustrating because I really like her.
  

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• PamBeesly524 member

  

  April 2015

  I'm sorry, I can't wrap my head around the fact that she is basically telling you that her daughter is going to be your flower girl. Who does that? This lady has some serious boundary issues. It's one thing to assume your daughter is invited to a wedding; it's another thing entirely to demand that she be in the wedding.

  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  April 2015

  kikilamp said:

  I'm sorry, I can't wrap my head around the fact that she is basically telling you that her daughter is going to be your flower girl. Who does that? This lady has some serious boundary issues. It's one thing to assume your daughter is invited to a wedding; it's another thing entirely to demand that she be in the wedding.

  Sadly, some people can't wrap their heads around the fact that not everyone is in love with their kids, let alone want them to be at or even in their weddings, and this is one of them. It's BSC, but needs to be shut down very firmly.
  
  "Coworker, your daughter is not going to be my flower girl. She is not invited to my wedding. I need you to stop bringing it up."

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• banana468 member

  

  April 2015

  And since this is a conversation that she brought up, I honestly don't see the issue with saying, "I just want to make sure that we're both on the same page here.   Your daughter is adorable however the invitation is just to you and your husband.   We aren't having a flower girl and your daughter can't be a flower girl in my wedding because she isn't invited."

  
  

  Sometimes you have to stop trying to be nice and just state the facts.   

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  April 2015 edited April 2015

  nevermind - i thought I was in the reception gift opening thread.

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• whovianstark member

  

  April 2015

  fyrchk said:

   

  banana468 said:

  The other part is that it's certainly fine etiquette - wise to lather, rinse and repeat NO.   If she keeps bringing it up, you're allowed to say, "You keep bringing this up but your daughter is not invited.  If you don't stop then you won't be either." 

  I actually thought that. Like when she originally said, "Well then I'm not coming either," and I said, "Okay." At first another co-worker and I thought she was kidding, but since then other co-worker has been like, "Whoa..." It's super-frustrating because I really like her.
  

  Just curious... I'm wondering if in her BSC mind that when you said "okay..." she interpreted it as "sweet now my daughter is invited because I gave her an ultimatum and she said okay". Anyways... good luck!
  

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  April 2015

  ditto whovianstark. That's why I'd write 'Sorry, No Children' on her invitation and/or if there's an RSVP, write her and her S/Os name on it. It beats stationing a bouncer at the door to eject a little kid dressed in flower girl dress.

                     

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• Jen4948 member

  

  April 2015

  MairePoppy said:

  ditto whovianstark. That's why I'd write 'Sorry, No Children' on her invitation and/or if there's an RSVP, write her and her S/Os name on it. It beats stationing a bouncer at the door to eject a little kid dressed in flower girl dress.

  Even with a "No Children" message in the invitation and on her website, this BSC person is probably still going to show up with her kid in a flower girl dress. Having her bounced, as sad as that would be for the poor kid, might be the only way to drive the message home.

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• banana468 member

  

  April 2015

  Jen4948 said:

  MairePoppy said:

  ditto whovianstark. That's why I'd write 'Sorry, No Children' on her invitation and/or if there's an RSVP, write her and her S/Os name on it. It beats stationing a bouncer at the door to eject a little kid dressed in flower girl dress.

  Even with a "No Children" message in the invitation and on her website, this BSC person is probably still going to show up with her kid in a flower girl dress. Having her bounced, as sad as that would be for the poor kid, might be the only way to drive the message home.

  That's why I think she may need to have the conversation as a face to face one now.   The BSC co-irker already opened the door so in this case I think it's more than fine to clarify and then clarify again. 

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• Liatris2010 mod

  

  April 2015

  banana468 said:

  Jen4948 said:

  MairePoppy said:

  ditto whovianstark. That's why I'd write 'Sorry, No Children' on her invitation and/or if there's an RSVP, write her and her S/Os name on it. It beats stationing a bouncer at the door to eject a little kid dressed in flower girl dress.

  Even with a "No Children" message in the invitation and on her website, this BSC person is probably still going to show up with her kid in a flower girl dress. Having her bounced, as sad as that would be for the poor kid, might be the only way to drive the message home.

  That's why I think she may need to have the conversation as a face to face one now.   The BSC co-irker already opened the door so in this case I think it's more than fine to clarify and then clarify again. 

  
  
  Ditto Banana.

   

  "Coworker, I want to be clear that your daughter is not invited to the wedding and that she will not be our flowergirl. If you were to show up with an uninvited guest, it would strain our friendship, and I don't want that to happen because [despite that fact that you ae pushy and dense you have at least one redeemable quality]."
  

  

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