Wedding Party

BM can't decide to be in or out...deadline?

One of my bridesmaids agreed quite some time ago to be in the bridal party. Since then, she's been going through some personal things. She shared she's not sure if she's up for being a BM, and I told her I wanted her to take care of herself first and foremost, and would 100% understand if she did not want to be a BM. She's been waffling back and forth for months now. Every time, I encourage her to do what's best for her, that I understand, that I support her, etc. This is not just lip service, she's my friend no matter if she's in or out, and I've made that clear to her. Throughout this she has made basic comments about how it would be hard to stand there with me, to be happy for me, etc., which after my continuous support just feels mean. 

The deadline to order the dresses and receive them in time for the wedding is coming up. The other BMs have ordered. Can I give my friend a deadline? 

Re: BM can't decide to be in or out...deadline?

  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    When is your wedding?

    If she has a deadline to order (that's reasonable - ordering bridesmaids dresses in May 2015 for a September 2016 wedding is NOT reasonable) and she doesn't make the deadline to order and can't find the dress on her own, that's her own problem. You can't hand hold and make sure that she orders. If she doesn't have a dress, she's withdrawn herself.

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  • Sep 2015. Dress production is about 14 weeks and I'd want her to have time to get it tailored if need be.
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    One of my bridesmaids agreed quite some time ago to be in the bridal party. Since then, she's been going through some personal things. She shared she's not sure if she's up for being a BM, and I told her I wanted her to take care of herself first and foremost, and would 100% understand if she did not want to be a BM. She's been waffling back and forth for months now. Every time, I encourage her to do what's best for her, that I understand, that I support her, etc. This is not just lip service, she's my friend no matter if she's in or out, and I've made that clear to her. Throughout this she has made basic comments about how it would be hard to stand there with me, to be happy for me, etc., which after my continuous support just feels mean. 

    The deadline to order the dresses and receive them in time for the wedding is coming up. The other BMs have ordered. Can I give my friend a deadline? 
    What exactly does she think she needs to be "up" for? The only things she's required to do are get the dress, which you all were supposed to choose from within a budget that's agreeable to her, and be there at the wedding being supportive. Why does she think she can't handle that?
    Maggie0829
  • Where are you ordering dresses from? 

    It doesn't seem like you need to order dresses in April for a September wedding... I could make my own dress between now and then and I don't even know how to sew. 
    *********************************************************************************

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    [Deleted User]amarie688
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    One of my bridesmaids agreed quite some time ago to be in the bridal party. Since then, she's been going through some personal things. She shared she's not sure if she's up for being a BM, and I told her I wanted her to take care of herself first and foremost, and would 100% understand if she did not want to be a BM. She's been waffling back and forth for months now. Every time, I encourage her to do what's best for her, that I understand, that I support her, etc. This is not just lip service, she's my friend no matter if she's in or out, and I've made that clear to her. Throughout this she has made basic comments about how it would be hard to stand there with me, to be happy for me, etc., which after my continuous support just feels mean. 

    The deadline to order the dresses and receive them in time for the wedding is coming up. The other BMs have ordered. Can I give my friend a deadline? 
    What exactly does she think she needs to be "up" for? The only things she's required to do are get the dress, which you all were supposed to choose from within a budget that's agreeable to her, and be there at the wedding being supportive. Why does she think she can't handle that?
    This.

    Just tell your friend that dresses need to be ordered by X date and leave it at that.  If she decides to me in your wedding she will buy the dress.  If she decides to not be in the wedding then hopefully she will tell you and she won't order the dress.

  • Deadline is in May, not April. I would like to be able to present that to her so that she can make her decision. Ordering from WeddingtonWay.

    Not up for it emotionally. There has not been any expectation of her to plan anything, diy anything, etc.
  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    Deadline is in May, not April. I would like to be able to present that to her so that she can make her decision. Ordering from WeddingtonWay.


    Not up for it emotionally. There has not been any expectation of her to plan anything, diy anything, etc.
    "Well, you need to have your dress ordered by May X since it'll take about 14 weeks to get it in and then if you want it altered. Let me know what you decide." and leave it at that. She'll either do it or she won't. 

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    Maggie0829southernbelle0915littlepep
  • edited April 2015



    deleted cause i was figuring out how to quote text /fail

  • What exactly does she think she needs to be "up" for? The only things she's required to do are get the dress, which you all were supposed to choose from within a budget that's agreeable to her, and be there at the wedding being supportive. Why does she think she can't handle that?
    Being supportive of me or being happy for me, because of personal things she is going through.
  • I'm sorry your friend is having a hard time, and I totally get that it can sting a little when she says she can't stand there and be happy for you. 

    I think it's fine to let her know that she needs to order a dress by x date, and just leave it at that. From there, she either orders it on time or she doesn't. 
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  • Thanks for the feedback!
  • CasadenaCasadena member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited April 2015
    Just another thought.  I agree that's it's not unreasonable to give her a deadline to order the dress.

    However, I'm in a wedding this summer that used weddington way and my dress came in 10 days (no joke) AND there were a ton of pre-worn dresses on ebay, tradesy, etc. in the same color and style I ordered but cheaper.  So she may have other places she can find it even if she misses your order deadline.  

    I know her waffle-ing sucks but i guess my thought is that if you really want her in the wedding, you can tell her that everyone is ordering dresses from WW by x date but if she can find one somewhere else, as long as she has the dress by your wedding that's fine.  If she doesn't have it then she's taken herself out of the wedding.  

    *ordering might be different for different dresses on WW, but I know ours was available in lots of places!  Just something to think about :)

    ETA:  Then it's our of your hands, completely on her, and you don't really have to worry about it again.  

    ViczaesarMairePoppy
  • edited April 2015
    Give her the deadline for ordering the dress from the designated shop.   A bridesmaid's only job is to stand during the wedding; however, as  a bride you need to know how many flowers to order,  a head count for the rehearsal dinner and other  things.   It think it's fair to say that you need to know a so that you're not spending extra money on supplies that will not be used.  


  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer

    Give her the deadline for ordering the dress from the designed shop.   A bridesmaid's only job is to stand during the wedding; however, as  a bride you need to know how many flowers to order,  a head count for the rehearsal dinner and other logically things.   It think it's fair to say that you need to know a so that you're not spending extra money on supplies that will not be used.  



    Except that you don't need to know any of those things in May for a September wedding.



    mikenbergerMairePoppy
  • I also had my BM order their dresses from WeddingtonWay and their dresses took 12 weeks to come in. Two of the BM needed alterations and one did not.
  • Viczaesar said:

    Give her the deadline for ordering the dress from the designed shop.   A bridesmaid's only job is to stand during the wedding; however, as  a bride you need to know how many flowers to order,  a head count for the rehearsal dinner and other logically things.   It think it's fair to say that you need to know a so that you're not spending extra money on supplies that will not be used.  



    Except that you don't need to know any of those things in May for a September wedding.
    Not in May, but if she shows up dress in hand 3 days before the wedding it could present some challenges.

    I think it's fair to give her the deadline, while still knowing that if things change 2 months from now and you still can scramble to get her in, you've got some options.

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    image
  • I agree with giving her a dress deadline and leaving it at that. I think it's kind of rude what she is doing. Either your in or your out, but to waffle and drag it out seems self centered to me. I mean I have no idea what the back story is so maybe it all is a big deal... but if it is a big deal then your out and focus on yourself!
    image


    Anniversary
  • DidollDidoll member
    First Comment

    Viczaesar said:

    Give her the deadline for ordering the dress from the designed shop.   A bridesmaid's only job is to stand during the wedding; however, as  a bride you need to know how many flowers to order,  a head count for the rehearsal dinner and other logically things.   It think it's fair to say that you need to know a so that you're not spending extra money on supplies that will not be used.  



    Except that you don't need to know any of those things in May for a September wedding.
    Not in May, but if she shows up dress in hand 3 days before the wedding it could present some challenges.

    I think it's fair to give her the deadline, while still knowing that if things change 2 months from now and you still can scramble to get her in, you've got some options.
    I agree that for other reasons beyond making sure she orders her dress on time, she needs to let you know by a certain time whether she is going to do it or not. If youare as close as it seems you are she will understand. 

    One of my dearest friends lives abroad, but I asked her to be a BM and she graciously accepted without both of us realizing that she was going to need to submit for her residency paperwork and wouldn't know if she would get it back on time for her to make all the necessary arrangements for her to make it to the wedding. We both felt pressure to know if she was going to be able to make it, and beyond her travelling difficulties there is the financial burden that coming to my wedding would be on her, so after a little talking we both decided that the best thing would be for her to step down. She even felt relieved because she was afraid of telling me no after she said yes!! I was happy, and she was happy, and it gave me just enough time to ask someone else (whom I had originally was considering anyway when I was first deciding who I wanted as BM) without making the new BM to have to scramble within weeks to find a dress.

    My friend is still very much looking forward to being in attendance and will try her best to make it, but at least now her only cost will be travelling costs (she would be staying with her mom) and none of the other additional things like dress, shoes and hair. I am just thankful that she is putting that effort into coming.

    So, my advice is diplomacy is best. I know its hard (it wasn't easy approaching the subject with my friend) but you both may come out feeling better and less pressured.
  • Didoll said:

    Viczaesar said:

    Give her the deadline for ordering the dress from the designed shop.   A bridesmaid's only job is to stand during the wedding; however, as  a bride you need to know how many flowers to order,  a head count for the rehearsal dinner and other logically things.   It think it's fair to say that you need to know a so that you're not spending extra money on supplies that will not be used.  



    Except that you don't need to know any of those things in May for a September wedding.
    Not in May, but if she shows up dress in hand 3 days before the wedding it could present some challenges.

    I think it's fair to give her the deadline, while still knowing that if things change 2 months from now and you still can scramble to get her in, you've got some options.
    I agree that for other reasons beyond making sure she orders her dress on time, she needs to let you know by a certain time whether she is going to do it or not. If youare as close as it seems you are she will understand. 

    One of my dearest friends lives abroad, but I asked her to be a BM and she graciously accepted without both of us realizing that she was going to need to submit for her residency paperwork and wouldn't know if she would get it back on time for her to make all the necessary arrangements for her to make it to the wedding. We both felt pressure to know if she was going to be able to make it, and beyond her travelling difficulties there is the financial burden that coming to my wedding would be on her, so after a little talking we both decided that the best thing would be for her to step down. She even felt relieved because she was afraid of telling me no after she said yes!! I was happy, and she was happy, and it gave me just enough time to ask someone else (whom I had originally was considering anyway when I was first deciding who I wanted as BM) without making the new BM to have to scramble within weeks to find a dress.

    My friend is still very much looking forward to being in attendance and will try her best to make it, but at least now her only cost will be travelling costs (she would be staying with her mom) and none of the other additional things like dress, shoes and hair. I am just thankful that she is putting that effort into coming.

    So, my advice is diplomacy is best. I know its hard (it wasn't easy approaching the subject with my friend) but you both may come out feeling better and less pressured.


    Gross.  You seriously replaced a person as if they're interchangeable?   And you would have found a replacement bridesmaid if she had changed her mind closer to the wedding?  "Scramble within weeks to find a dress"?  Really?  You must be nice.
    thespeshulestsnowflakemikenbergerMyNameIsNot
  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Viczaesar said:

    Give her the deadline for ordering the dress from the designed shop.   A bridesmaid's only job is to stand during the wedding; however, as  a bride you need to know how many flowers to order,  a head count for the rehearsal dinner and other logically things.   It think it's fair to say that you need to know a so that you're not spending extra money on supplies that will not be used.  



    Except that you don't need to know any of those things in May for a September wedding.
    Not in May, but if she shows up dress in hand 3 days before the wedding it could present some challenges.

    I think it's fair to give her the deadline, while still knowing that if things change 2 months from now and you still can scramble to get her in, you've got some options.
    I agree that for other reasons beyond making sure she orders her dress on time, she needs to let you know by a certain time whether she is going to do it or not. If youare as close as it seems you are she will understand. 

    One of my dearest friends lives abroad, but I asked her to be a BM and she graciously accepted without both of us realizing that she was going to need to submit for her residency paperwork and wouldn't know if she would get it back on time for her to make all the necessary arrangements for her to make it to the wedding. We both felt pressure to know if she was going to be able to make it, and beyond her travelling difficulties there is the financial burden that coming to my wedding would be on her, so after a little talking we both decided that the best thing would be for her to step down. She even felt relieved because she was afraid of telling me no after she said yes!! I was happy, and she was happy, and it gave me just enough time to ask someone else (whom I had originally was considering anyway when I was first deciding who I wanted as BM) without making the new BM to have to scramble within weeks to find a dress.

    My friend is still very much looking forward to being in attendance and will try her best to make it, but at least now her only cost will be travelling costs (she would be staying with her mom) and none of the other additional things like dress, shoes and hair. I am just thankful that she is putting that effort into coming.

    So, my advice is diplomacy is best. I know its hard (it wasn't easy approaching the subject with my friend) but you both may come out feeling better and less pressured.
    FAIL.

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    TrixieJessMyNameIsNot[Deleted User]
  • DidollDidoll member
    First Comment
    You know, I can acknowledge that what I did sounds very bad, but you guys could have been a little more tactful the way you let me know what your opinions were.

    I came here to get some help and relief from all the craziness and constant pulling I get from everyone and everywhere when it comes to the wedding. On the once side I have my FMIL trying to rule everything and then on the other I have my mom yelling at me to stay within budget (which I m trying my hardest to please her above everyone else),just to come here and be made feel like such an idiot for something that you guys only have a gimplse of how it played out.

    I know I have made a hell of a lot of faux pas when it comes to my wedding, but there is no need to make me feel so horrible about them. Ok yes, maybe getting someone else is bad, but it was. MUTUAL agreement. My friend knows that this wasn't a "oh let me keep a spare while you make up your mind what you are gonna do" situation. There Was absolutely no need for you guys to respond in such childish manner attacking my character.
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Didoll said:

    You know, I can acknowledge that what I did sounds very bad, but you guys could have been a little more tactful the way you let me know what your opinions were.

    I came here to get some help and relief from all the craziness and constant pulling I get from everyone and everywhere when it comes to the wedding. On the once side I have my FMIL trying to rule everything and then on the other I have my mom yelling at me to stay within budget (which I m trying my hardest to please her above everyone else),just to come here and be made feel like such an idiot for something that you guys only have a gimplse of how it played out.

    I know I have made a hell of a lot of faux pas when it comes to my wedding, but there is no need to make me feel so horrible about them. Ok yes, maybe getting someone else is bad, but it was. MUTUAL agreement. My friend knows that this wasn't a "oh let me keep a spare while you make up your mind what you are gonna do" situation. There Was absolutely no need for you guys to respond in such childish manner attacking my character.



    I'm glad to see you (almost?) realize it was a bad thing to do. It doesn't just sound bad, it was bad. Just because it was "mutual" or whatever you're calling it doesn't mean it was acceptable. It would have been better for everyone if you hadn't done it.

    Your previous post made it sound like you saw no difficulty with it, and were actually advocating it as a course of action when "necessary." That is why people addressed your post. It was not just to "make you feel bad," but rather to point out that if you meant it as advice, it was very bad advice.

    You also don't get to dictate the tone of people's responses. Learn that now about the internet.

    [Deleted User]
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Didoll said:

    You know, I can acknowledge that what I did sounds very bad, but you guys could have been a little more tactful the way you let me know what your opinions were.

    I came here to get some help and relief from all the craziness and constant pulling I get from everyone and everywhere when it comes to the wedding. On the once side I have my FMIL trying to rule everything and then on the other I have my mom yelling at me to stay within budget (which I m trying my hardest to please her above everyone else),just to come here and be made feel like such an idiot for something that you guys only have a gimplse of how it played out.

    I know I have made a hell of a lot of faux pas when it comes to my wedding, but there is no need to make me feel so horrible about them. Ok yes, maybe getting someone else is bad, but it was. MUTUAL agreement. My friend knows that this wasn't a "oh let me keep a spare while you make up your mind what you are gonna do" situation. There Was absolutely no need for you guys to respond in such childish manner attacking my character.

    Why should anyone be tactful with you when you are describing how you treat your friend like an object, and you're proud of it. 

    You told your friend that spending money on a dress, shoes and hair is more important than her friendship with you, and that you care more about a matching line up than you do about her. I don't know how you can feel except horrible about that. 

    If you don't want anyone to comment on how badly you treat your friends, don't post about it. 
    onefootinthebayou[Deleted User]
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