Opinions Wanted: Keeping baby's sex a secret from others when we know
flantastic
member
H cannot handle the suspense anymore, so we're going to find out the sex of our baby at the ultrasound on Friday. He just wants some time to mentally prepare, and I'm neither strongly for nor against finding out, so we're going to.
However, I'm a pretty private person, and I see no reason why we need to share that information with anyone else. For me, everyone else knows about the pregnancy, and I feel that should be enough knowledge of our intimate lives. I want to keep the sex as something between us, along with the name. I was talking to one of my brothers about the U/S coming up and he was surprised that I even mentioned we were finding out, and very surprised that we might tell people afterwards - in both our minds, it's a) mine and H's business entirely and b) it's really shouldn't be that difficult for everyone else to wait to find out whether the child has boy parts or girl parts when it's born.
However, H's brothers all found out and told everyone the sex of the previous 4 grandchildren, and H thinks MIL will whine about how we're being unnecessarily withholding. That's not really pushiness that I want to reward, for one, but unfortunately H also doesn't really see the necessity of keeping it secret and thinks it'll be more trouble than there is any benefit. He's willing to do it if I feel strongly, but I think he's afraid my articulated reasons don't make sense and/or boil down to just wanting to spite his mother. I don't really want to lie, either, and say we didn't find out in order to shut people up.
Can you guys help me articulate a more defined reason that this is or is not better kept between us, or help me see it from the perspective of others who really want to/feel they deserve to know?
Re: Opinions Wanted: Keeping baby's sex a secret from others when we know
I'm not very maternal, and nowhere close to being ready to have a kid myself, so take my opinion with a grain of salt: I probably wouldn't be one to parade around the gender of my unborn (or even born, for that matter) child. I mean, I wouldn't take measures to actively hide it, but I also am not planning on doing a big gender reveal thing either. I just don't see what it matters really.
Ultimately, I think, in this situation, no matter how logical or well-thought-out your reasons are, I doubt it will matter. MIL wants what she wants, and she wants it NOW, she probably won't be swayed by reason.
I'm hoping that the verbiage "we decided to keep it a surprise!" will sound enough like it's a surprise to us, too, rather than just to the person asking, while avoiding being a bold faced lie. Or even if our parents and siblings find out hopefully we can keep it somewhat close to the vest rather than our unborn baby's genitalia being breaking news to the world.
We didn't do a gender reveal but were open we were having a boy and left it at that. We didn't share baby names before hand... Those questions got old, and people are super judgmental and opinionated about it. I told my mom one name we liked and she literally begged me not to name him that, and went on a rant about it, so never again was it discussed.
I told her this is our child, so it is our decision. I appreciated her excitement and concern, but that it was not up for discussion.
To me it is kind of like choosing your wedding date and telling people you chose the date, but not telling people the date until you send invitations. Or like buying a new house, but not telling your family the address until after you move in. Sure, they don't really need to know until invitations go out or you are actually living there, but what's the point of keeping it a secret? What do you gain by not telling anyone?
I think that is especially true when it comes to close family, like your or your H's immediate family. I feel like you end up causing more hurt feelings or family strife by keeping the secret than you benefit from it.
I'd stick to "Baby's still there and growing" and change the subject.
Not trying to sound rude or snarky BTW, just confused.
Formerly martha1818
It's like a little kid- you don't run around saying "nah nah I have a secret but I'm not telling you." If you donf want people to know either don't find out or don't tell people you're finding out.
Because people are asking. And being persistent about asking, and H is answering those questions. "OMG when do you find out?? When is that u/s??" and lying to say we're not doing the "make sure everything's okay with baby" anatomy scan isn't really believable. You may well be right, Lynda, that he may not really be able to keep it secret even if he's trying.
I just know that certain people are going to be obnoxious about asking, but they'll also be obnoxious if they know, and I'd prefer to deal with one sort of commentary rather than the other. I guess I wouldn't even mind if a few particular people knew, just because I know that they wouldn't ask and won't be obnoxious. In which case, it really is about making a point of not telling his mom and his labmates and everyone else who feels like they have a right to know, as well as not wanting a ton of gendered stuff or hearing people's interpretations of what a baby of a certain gender should do/need/etc.
Names being secret are a) because everyone's got an opinion and we don't want to hear it and b) because we probably won't definitively decide until the kid is born.
Formerly martha1818
I guess I just don't get why you would want to be withholding of that when clearly they are excited about having a new grandbaby. And your husband wants to know, too, so why is it an okay thing for him to want to know, but not them? They are going to be involved in this baby's life, too. These aren't strangers on the street - these are relatives. So far, your reasoning really does just sound like you're doing it because you like being in control and withholding information from them keeps you in control. It does sound pretty petty and spiteful.
Then again, I guess I also don't understand why your husband wants to know to "mentally prepare" either. Exactly what is he going to do differently if it's a boy vs. a girl? I guess I would want to know about potential health issues (down syndrome, birth defects) because that would affect how I prepare, but I'm not really sure why boy vs. girl makes a difference in how you prepare. But, he wants to know and clearly others in your life would like to know, too. I guess I don't see the advantage of, once you know, withholding it from them if they feel like it somehow helps them foster a better relationship with the baby to be - bonding before he or she is born, if you will. The three of you aren't going to exist in a vacuum - you're part of a larger family that cares and is excited.
I know for myself, if I have biological children, I don't plan
to find out before the birth - and it's pretty much because I don't want
my child subjected to gender conditioning before they are even out of
the womb. It's not even "I don't like pink" if it's a girl - I love
pink! And I know that I have no way of protecting them from it entirely
- it's going to bombard from them the minute they exit the womb. But
if I can somehow minimize that pre-exit, I'm sure as hell going to try.
Plus, I'm just too practical and if I'm lucky enough for people to gift
me stuff, I sure as heck want to be able to use it for subsequent
babies (and not be like several people I know who are getting showers
for their subsequent babies that are boys because "All I have is girl
clothes!"). But, those are my reasons, not yours. And, if my partner
wanted to find out and share, I can certainly work around my concerns
about gender conditioning by making my concerns known to my friends and family,
registering for items that fit in with my expectations, and
returning/exchanging the items that don't.
You're sure you have to find out? Seems like it would be easiest to keep everyone in ignorance, including yourselves.
I agree with jacques27--what's there to "mentally prepare" about? If it's as simple as envisioning doing certain activities with a son vs. a daughter, I think it's wise to realize that you might get a girl who loves so-called boy stuff, or a boy who likes dolls.
BUT. If you definitely want to find out, maybe you could just say, "We're keeping it a surprise!" and then bean dip like crazy. No one is entitled to know every single thing that's going on inside your uterus.
Then again I hate it when people refer to their unborn baby by the chosen name months before it is even born. If it were me I would want to pick out 2 names and decide when the baby is born.
I can understand wanting to find out and to prepare. If DS wasn't a boy I knew DH would want to try again soon and I didn't want to find that out in the delivery room.
However, she told my niece that she was going to have a brother. Kid was about 15 months and started saying "brother" to everything, until SIL found out and taught her sister as well. We all knew she was having a boy about 2 weeks after she found out herself, we just didn't mention it to her. As soon as you tell 1 person, it's out. And yes, you might slip on gender pronouns.
My sister and her H only told immediate family because they wanted just gender neutral stuff. But after she delivered, they got almost 100% pink ruffle cloths in the mail. We were going to do same as them, but people are going to buy the kid genderized stuff no matter what, so whatever.
We found out on Thursday we're having a boy and the cat's out of the bag to family/friends. We told our families beforehand we wanted gender neutral stuff if they were going to buy anything. H's family is going to be a challenge....their immediate response to "it's a boy" was "omg yay! Now we can buy all the blue stuff.." So yea.