I need knottie sense. I feel like I'm too angry and frustrated to see this with a clear view.
TLDR: I'm not letting my asshole narcissist dad speak at my wedding, but FI thinks his parents should get to speak [if they wanted to] and I kind of agree with him, but then how would I do damage control when my dad goes godzilla over it?
Things were calm with my family for a while, but of course they couldn't stay calm. That just wouldn't be normal. So my dad-- out of the blue-- sent me an incredibly mean text while I was at work the other day. My mom then jumped in and also threw a tantrum. At first she was really mad at him for being so shitty to me for no reason. Then she was mad at me for not wanting to talk to him. I let her know that people who treat me like garbage don't get a place in my life. It's pretty simple. But when I said I won't deal with someone who is verbally abusive, she screamed that he's NOT verbally abusive. Ugh. Kind of made me realize how fucked up her thought process is, which must be why she's been able to put up with him, since he talks to her like she's garbage too.
She stomped and screamed and cried and pouted (not exaggerating; she really did all of these things in like 5-minute span) and said "IT'S MY WEDDING TOO!" Weird. I was not aware that she was also getting married.
None of this is new or unusual for my family. So I did what knotties and my therapist advised me to do when they act like this-- I stepped away and did not engage. This happened over a 2-day span so it was a shitty 2 days. But I brushed it off. Whatever.
My dad has decided that I "ruined" my wedding for him, because he didn't get to invite all 60 of his friends (people I don't even know). So yes, a year later, he's still throwing tantrums about the guest list. Well the wedding is a week away. Time to get over it.
And I'm pretty sure he's physically and mentally incapable of saying anything kind about me. Even at my bridal shower (FSIL invited both dads and I had no idea till I walked in and saw him there) as I was opening gifts, he was shouting out extremely rude things about me. Why? I guess cuz he's that desperate for attention? This was the first time I had met some of FI's relatives so it was definitely not appreciated but again, whatever. It's typical him.
Since I know every time he opens his mouth, he says something shitty, and says rude shit about me in public all the time, and I have no relationship with him at all, and I generally hate him as a person, he's not speaking at the wedding. I mean, he's lucky he's even invited at this point.
And-- is it even a thing for parents to speak at a wedding? I have literally never seen this happen, ever. So why they're insisting on it is beyond me.
To keep him from speaking, I did a "no parents are speaking at the wedding" rule. FI was on board. He can't stand my dad and also did not want him to speak. A lot of our relatives (and all of FI's relatives) don't know how awful things are between my dad and I, and probably don't know what an abusive piece of shit he's been, because the worst stuff he says to me is always done very quietly when no one else is around, like a good sociopath. I feel like if FI's parents spoke at the wedding and my dad didn't (but would likely make a scene about how much he was dying to speak) it would be really weird and maybe even create a bigger, worse scene.
The "no parents speaking" thing just came up a little while ago, and FI got snappy about it. He said sarcastically, "Yup, I'll keep my parents shut up because your dad is an asshole. That's totally fair."
Well, no, it's not fair. But-- in my mind-- it's the easiest way to keep the situation under control. My dad loves making huge scenes. He would literally tackle FI's mom to the ground to get the microphone out of her hands if she got to stand up and give a toast and then he decided that he was entitled to give a toast too (especially since my parents think this is their wedding and they're the most selfish narcissists on the planet. They generally think they're more entitled and more important that FI's parents. It's gross).
It's hard enough that I've been struggling with whether or not to let him walk to me down the aisle. I obviously don't want him to, but it's going to cause some epic battles and make other people think I'm an asshole (if only people know how he treated me) and FI's parents said they would be really disappointed because they think it's wrong for me to not let him walk me down the aisle, despite him acting like a dick. Ugh.
Am I going about this the wrong way? What the fuck am I supposed to do here? It's been stressful enough dealing with my asshole drama llama parents, but now FI is getting mad and snapping at me. How do I handle this nonsense? Seems like there's a simple answer and I'm just not seeing it.
