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Because a peaceful last week was too much to ask

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Re: Because a peaceful last week was too much to ask

  • littlepeplittlepep South Carolina member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    I hate this situation for you girl! Others have good advice already, but you're almost there! ONE WEEK until you are married! And then no more of this drama :)
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    novella1186
  • KatieinBklnKatieinBkln (NO SLEEP TIL) Brooklyn! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary

    Eh, I am sorry they're pulling this nonsense. But I could have told you they'd pull something in the final week/days, because that is who they are (yes, I'm counting your mother. She is complicit/co-dependent/enabling, I'm sorry to say.)


    PPs have good advice. And I just want to highlight that no one on the planet will think you're mean/ungrateful/what-the-fuck-ever if you don't have your parents walk you down the aisle. It's 2015, for god's sake. If your dad makes a stink to any of the other guests, HE will look like the dickhole. HE will look like an inappropriate shitstain. This is science.


    Also: get yourself some wine, focus on your wonderful FI and the wonderful family you're marrying into, and all will be well. I promise.

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    This baby knows exactly how I feel
    novella1186OliveOilsMom
  • FiancBFiancB MinnesOOOta member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I think the walk down the aisle gets a little more drama than it really deserves. It's over in, like, 5 seconds, unless you have a bigass venue.  I didn't use traditional music so people didn't realize I was coming until it was too late to stand, which was fine by me. You'll be way to nervous to care about whether anyone's clutching their pearls over the lack of dad's presence. 
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  • Eh, I am sorry they're pulling this nonsense. But I could have told you they'd pull something in the final week/days, because that is who they are (yes, I'm counting your mother. She is complicit/co-dependent/enabling, I'm sorry to say.)


    PPs have good advice. And I just want to highlight that no one on the planet will think you're mean/ungrateful/what-the-fuck-ever if you don't have your parents walk you down the aisle. It's 2015, for god's sake. If your dad makes a stink to any of the other guests, HE will look like the dickhole. HE will look like an inappropriate shitstain. This is science.


    Also: get yourself some wine, focus on your wonderful FI and the wonderful family you're marrying into, and all will be well. I promise.

    The bolded is my favorite phrase ever.
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  • FiancB said:

    I think the walk down the aisle gets a little more drama than it really deserves. It's over in, like, 5 seconds, unless you have a bigass venue.  I didn't use traditional music so people didn't realize I was coming until it was too late to stand, which was fine by me. You'll be way to nervous to care about whether anyone's clutching their pearls over the lack of dad's presence. 

    Yeah the aisle at my venue is short. The guys are walking in to a bluegrass song. I'm walking in to a Donovan song. I don't want it to be this big dramatic regal show. It's like, Hey I just want to go over there to my FI so we can do this thing and then go drink.
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  • banana468 said:

    I've seen it happen at 2. In one case it was awful and in the other it was the FOB also welcoming all guests to his home so it made sense. But parent speeches aren't really a thing.

    Maybe it's a regional thing? Every wedding I've been to has had a parent speech from both sets of parents. Usually along the lines of thanking the guests for coming, welcoming the new spouse into the family, and maybe an anecdote about the couple.

    I walked myself down the aisle. There were several reasons why I chose to walk alone. There was huge drama from my parents when they realized that I was serious when I had told them 8 months prior I was walking alone, including trying to guilt me into it, and saying my somewhat emotionally abusive father "deserved" to walk his daughter down the aisle. 

    Anniversary
  • lurkergirllurkergirl ATL member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    Just curious--why are you waiting until after the wedding to cut him out?  Why not now? 




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  • @novella1186 I'm not sure if this has been suggested or not.  But we had something not of the same background but situation.  My dad/parents wanted to speak at the wedding and my FI was worried that if they made a huge speech that his dad would want to do one too, or on the opposite end if my parents did one and his parents didn't people would think that awkward.  

    So our solution, and one no one questioned?  My dad gave the toast/prayer before the food was eaten.  It wasn't a 'thank you all for coming, we're all really glad to have you,' type of thing.   It was a toast/prayer he made up, but something that left no room for anyone else to follow after him. (It spoke of health, happiness, and love for the future and for all the guests, etc.)  We also had the coordinator in charge of the microphone and since my dad was the last speech that was going to happen before everyone was served food, as soon as my dad was done the coordinator took the microphone and walked away (he had given the speech before my dad's toast/prayer about how people would be served so that once the toast was over the need for a microphone was over). 

    I hope this helps and I look forward to seeing any pictures of you and your new husband! :)  You two appear to be an awesome team.   
  • HeffalumpHeffalump member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited April 2015
    I'm sorry you have to deal with all this, especially this close to the wedding.

    Just wanted to chime in that I have only ever seen a parent speech once.  FIL spoke at SIL's wedding, and referred to her new H by the wrong name.  Repeatedly.  Awkward.  Otherwise, I've never seen them and the couples/guests were none the worse off.
  • Just curious--why are you waiting until after the wedding to cut him out?  Why not now? 

    I don't know, really. The whole idea of cutting him out and not taking his abuse anymore didn't even occur to me till I posted here and then started therapy. That may sound stupid. Like "what kind of idiot just sits around and keeps putting up with someone's BS?" but I kept thinking I could figure out a way to tolerate him/ignore him better and find some peace that way. 

    By the time I figured out the best answer was to just cut him out, the wedding was getting close and I wasn't prepared to deal with the drama and fallout of un-inviting him and not letting him be there at all. 

    This has definitely been an eye-opening process. 
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  • Novella - I have some mom words for you this morning so listen up!

    If your Dad does something stupid or says something stupid you will have 2 choices at that moment.  You can let it go right to your soul and hurt you OR you can let bounce off of you and refuse to let him ruin one moment of your wedding day.  YOU own that day!  How it goes will strictly be by your choices.

    You saw him in action at your shower so be prepared.  Even if he doesn't get the microphone he can still say crappy stuff.  EVERYONE who hears it will think he is ass and they will not fault you for his actions.  They will, however, be quite dazzled by the bride who chooses not to fall for his bullshit. 

    Personally I would love to vote for your parents to not attend but I can also understand the concentrated fallout from that in the next few days.

    Make this day yours and FI's and choose all the wonderful memories to be yours and his foolishness to be unimportant.

    I may have missed this, but is your lovely sister attending?

    OliveOilsMom
  • novella1186novella1186 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited April 2015
    kmmssg said:

    Novella - I have some mom words for you this morning so listen up!

    If your Dad does something stupid or says something stupid you will have 2 choices at that moment.  You can let it go right to your soul and hurt you OR you can let bounce off of you and refuse to let him ruin one moment of your wedding day.  YOU own that day!  How it goes will strictly be by your choices.

    You saw him in action at your shower so be prepared.  Even if he doesn't get the microphone he can still say crappy stuff.  EVERYONE who hears it will think he is ass and they will not fault you for his actions.  They will, however, be quite dazzled by the bride who chooses not to fall for his bullshit. 

    Personally I would love to vote for your parents to not attend but I can also understand the concentrated fallout from that in the next few days.

    Make this day yours and FI's and choose all the wonderful memories to be yours and his foolishness to be unimportant.

    I may have missed this, but is your lovely sister attending?

    Thank you for the mom words! And yes, my lovely sister is attending. However, I have a buffer there. Two of her favorite cousins are coming so I seated her next to both of them. One will keep her distracted/keep her having fun (because they always have fun together) and the other will keep her in line (because she can be a bitch when she needs to be and is well aware of my sister's antics). 

    Sister also texted me to say she won't be taking the trolley that's available for guests; instead she'll be driving herself. I think this means she plans to duck out/leave early, which is totally fine by me. So things with her may be under some level of control. 

    I'm sure she'll make plenty of snarky comments about me and say gossipy shitty things about me to these cousins, but they know me so I don't care. 

    When I decided to invite her, it was to avoid the drama and fallout of not inviting her (which would be long-term cuz no one in my family knows how to let shit go) so I told myself that the cost of avoiding the fallout was risking her acting up at the wedding, which I was prepared to handle, as long as I remembered that I couldn't be surprised or upset by it, because it would just be her acting like her usual self. 

    As soon as I got to a good place in dealing with her, my dad blew up. Lol it's like one or the other; I can't have them both be calm at the same time. So now I definitely see him as the wild card. He may be very calm and nice, cuz he can do that. Or he may be godzilla and stomp and rage all around and say terrible things to-- and about-- anyone within earshot. His sister knows how he's been acting, though, and she said she and her husband will try to keep him distracted. 
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  • Do you have security at the venue?
  • kmmssg said:

    Do you have security at the venue?

    There are 2 site managers who are aware of the situation and will ask them to leave if they need to and/or escort them out. They said it's happened before and told me not to worry about it. 

    The one thing I have in my favor is how narcissistic they both are. It may actually keep them from doing anything too scene-causing or crazy because they care so much about their image and making other people think they're so great (even though their true colors come out enough that they're not really fooling anyone). 
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  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Firstly, hugs- this is horrible and I'm sorry all this drama keeps piling on.

    But mainly, I think you just need to disengage from them. I'm not saying cut them out completely, because that is 100% your own personal choice, but get to a place where their insults are met with apathy.  You set your boundaries, they have to deal.  I know it hurts and I know it stings that they throw all these insults, but they are doing it to manipulate you because they know it works. You just have to set boundaries and STICK TO THEM! Think of them as toddlers, you need to constantly reinforce. Because even if you stand up 9/10, they'll still pressure you to change because of that 1/10 you didn't. "Sorry dad, no speeches, no extra guests, no XYZ". If you don't engage them when they hurl insults, they are just shouting at the wall and will stop.

    Whenever they are nasty, just learn the mantra from a fantastic lady, Jinkx Monsoon:
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    novella1186kmmssgchibiyui
  • classicalandedgyclassicalandedgy Connecticut member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper

    I don't understand how him walking you down the aisle is even a question. I'm sorry your family sucks but if they are this bad you probably should disinvite them honestly. I get confused because sometimes I feel like I read that you are still seeing your mom and dad and that she pops by all the time. At this point you should try to be all in or all out- I feel like you are really trying to have it both ways- you want a close relationship with your parents and want other people not to get mad, but look at your posting history- that is obviously not working. 

    So much this. Dude, cut these people out of your life and be done with it.




    This, if you are honestly going to cut ties with your mother and father, why wait?  I'd tell them both now, you are no longer welcome at the wedding and their behavior towards you has been hurtful, abusive and unnecessary.  Then tell security to not allow them in if they try to crash.  Walk yourself down the aisle and call it a day.  You will be happier in the end for it.

    I didn't grow up with my father, but in my adult life I tried to get to know my half-sisters and him.  They showed their true colors of who they are to me.  I have cut them out, they are not invited to my wedding and I feel as if it was the best decision I could have made.  They will be invited to my brothers wedding in the fall and I'm sure they will not be happy that they were not invited to my wedding, but that is their issue not mine.    

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  • @Novella1186 - First of all, I totally get it. 

    Secondly, do you have an MC? If you don't, find someone who you trust to run the night and will moderate any speeches. This will keep things flowing smoothly and keep anyone off the mic that shouldn't be there. Most weddings I've been to employ this.

    Good Luck! You have received some good advice. Remember, family isn't who you are born into, it's who you choose to be surrounded and loved by.
  • @Novella1186 - First of all, I totally get it. 


    Secondly, do you have an MC? If you don't, find someone who you trust to run the night and will moderate any speeches. This will keep things flowing smoothly and keep anyone off the mic that shouldn't be there. Most weddings I've been to employ this.

    Good Luck! You have received some good advice. Remember, family isn't who you are born into, it's who you choose to be surrounded and loved by.
    Thank you. 

    I gave our DJ the gist of what's going on. I doubt the bands' microphones are at risk because they're only playing for a couple hours and then packing up and leaving, so the DJ will be running the show for the rest of the night. 

    I told him to keep the microphone away from everyone but most especially my dad. I literally said, "If my dad somehow manages to get the mic, unplug it immediately." 
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  • lovegood90lovegood90 Ontario member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited April 2015

    @Novella1186 - First of all, I totally get it. 


    Secondly, do you have an MC? If you don't, find someone who you trust to run the night and will moderate any speeches. This will keep things flowing smoothly and keep anyone off the mic that shouldn't be there. Most weddings I've been to employ this.

    Good Luck! You have received some good advice. Remember, family isn't who you are born into, it's who you choose to be surrounded and loved by.
    Thank you. 

    I gave our DJ the gist of what's going on. I doubt the bands' microphones are at risk because they're only playing for a couple hours and then packing up and leaving, so the DJ will be running the show for the rest of the night. 

    I told him to keep the microphone away from everyone but most especially my dad. I literally said, "If my dad somehow manages to get the mic, unplug it immediately." 



    Also have him on the lookout for any spare power outlets in case he brings his own ;)

    That was a joke, but...after all I've read about him I'm wondering!

    Formerly martha1818

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    novella1186hellosweetie1015
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    PPs, have covered a lot...but I just wanted to add that everyone knows your dad is an ass.  People pick up on things like that.  I remember when I finally met my ex-Aunt's parents, everything made sense.  Her dad was the BIGGEST dick.  He tried to pretend otherwise, but he didn't fool anyone.  I know you feel like everyone thinks your dad is a great guy, but trust me, the crazy does not go unseen.  

    Keep focusing on the positive--you and FI will be married in less than a week!  


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    novella1186
  • FiancBFiancB MinnesOOOta member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper

    kmmssg said:

    Do you have security at the venue?

    There are 2 site managers who are aware of the situation and will ask them to leave if they need to and/or escort them out. They said it's happened before and told me not to worry about it. 

    The one thing I have in my favor is how narcissistic they both are. It may actually keep them from doing anything too scene-causing or crazy because they care so much about their image and making other people think they're so great (even though their true colors come out enough that they're not really fooling anyone). 
    Yeah, I think this is key here. While they might do their darndest to make life a living hell right before the wedding (so avoid them), I truly think they will behave at the wedding itself (and then probably bellyache about it for all eternity afterward, so avoid again). 
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited April 2015
    Hugs!  I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

    Your family won't change into different people for you wedding.  You already know this, but there is probably a little speck of hope left in you that they will.  So sorry!  I really understand where you are coming from.

    Your wedding day is the first day you will spend as a legally united couple.  You need to separate yourselves from these toxic people and build your new life together.  If you plan to have children, you should raise them away from these people, and give them all the love and respect that you weren't given.  That is what I did.

    Memories of my own wedding day are not pleasant.  Nearly 39 years later, it really doesn't matter.  I was so happy to marry DH and to get the hell away from toxic family!  The happiest day in my life was my daughter's wedding.  I was so pleased to be able to give her the happy, beautiful wedding day that I never had.  All those nasty relatives are now gone.  I made a new life for myself and my family, and it is full of love.

    I wish you all the love in the world.  It is out there, just waiting for you to grab it!

    About your aisle walk - I vote for having your FI walk with you.  It will be very sweet, and no one will think anything about it, except for crazy Dad.  You cannot please him, anyway, so why try?

    Allow your FI some space.  It is his wedding, too, and he probably imagined something quite different.  (My DH KNEW our families were crazy!)

    I will be thinking about you all week.  You are a lovely lady, and you deserve a wonderful life.
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  • CMGragain. That is very kind of you 
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    CMGragain
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