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No takesies backsies?

Bubbs4everBubbs4ever member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Sorry, its a long one.

Let me start off by saying my mother and I have a rocky relationship and I have been seeing a therapist for almost two years to work on it and myself. She acts in line with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I also believe she may be bi-polar but is undiagnosed at this time.

With that being said.....she gifted me $5k for my wedding. She gave it me BEFORE I got engaged. I tried to refuse the money, she said she didn't know if she would have it to give to me when the time came and she has it now, please take the money. It's only fair, I gave your sister the help, I want to help you.

So I took the check. I waited about 3 weeks before cashing it and putting the money in a separate account. She has a history of dangling sugar plums and pulling them back when you don't act the way she wants.

I get engaged on Vday. :)

So about 6 weeks after she gave me the money (3 weeks after getting engaged) we got in a fight. She called me to ask if she had ever told me I was a terrible daughter because she had gotten in a fight with my sister and said it to her. I was honest with her, not mean but honest. Yes, she has said it to me many times. She told me I was lying and I was making things up.

The fight escalated, she demanded the wedding money back. After having a discussion with my therapist about the best way to handle it, I told her that I would not return the money as it was a gift.

WWKELD? (what would knot etiquette ladies do?)

CN:Mom gave me wedding money, 6 weeks later we got in a fight and now she is demanding the money back...WWKELD?
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Re: No takesies backsies?

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    mikenbergermikenberger member
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    I would give the money back and tell my mother to lose my number. 

    I don't know why you would encourage her activity in your life when it's clear that she cannot handle it.

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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    I mean, yea, it was a gift and you don't HAVE to give it back.

    Just my personal take though, I probably would. Why? Because those who pay get a say. If your mom is narcissistic and unpredictable, she may demand things and she'd have a right to. If you decline her contribution, you can ignore anything she suggests or wants.
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    delujm0delujm0 member
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    I would give it back and not even invite her to the wedding.  It sounds like your relationship is tense at best and if she's going to be this way i think i'd personally rather cut her out of my life entirely.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    I'd give the money back. Even though you technically don't have to, as long as you have it your mother will use it as a weapon against you.
    By returning it and not accepting any money from her in the future, you remove her right to any future say in your plans.
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    Bubbs4everBubbs4ever member
    First Comment
    I should also add that when she gave me the money, she was very clear that I could do as I wished with the money. If I wanted take off to Jamaica with my groom and get married alone, cool. Down payment on house, cool. Whatever I wanted she was was Ok with. Her insistence that I could do as I wished with this money was a big reason I agreed to take it.
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    mikenbergermikenberger member
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    Bubbs4ever said:

    I should also add that when she gave me the money, she was very clear that I could do as I wished with the money. If I wanted take off to Jamaica with my groom and get married alone, cool. Down payment on house, cool. Whatever I wanted she was was Ok with. Her insistence that I could do as I wished with this money was a big reason I agreed to take it.

    RETURN THE MONEY. IT IS CLEAR THAT THIS IS MONEY WITH STRINGS. Seriously. 

    You can keep the money, just prepare yourself for a repeat of what you're currently in followed up with "You are the most ungrateful daughter! I give you money for your wedding and this is how you treat me!!" If she's a true narcissist like you say she is, it's all about her. It is NOT about you or anything that you want. It is "I gave you money. And this is how you treat ME."

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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    Bubbs4ever said:

    I should also add that when she gave me the money, she was very clear that I could do as I wished with the money. If I wanted take off to Jamaica with my groom and get married alone, cool. Down payment on house, cool. Whatever I wanted she was was Ok with. Her insistence that I could do as I wished with this money was a big reason I agreed to take it.

    Clear as mud, is more like it.

    She sounds like a loose cannon. I'm sorry she mislead you into thinking it came without strings. From her actions, that is clearly not the case.
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    novella1186novella1186 member
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    I agree with PP, give the money back for your own sake. My dad shows every sign of NPD to the point that I swear they were writing about him in all the psych textbooks. 

    He insisted on paying for the food for my wedding, and we were getting along great for once, so I took him up on his offer. Then he acted like his typical sociopathic raged-out self and went psycho, and started making crazy demands. He said since he paid for the food, he got to control everything, and if I tried to say no he would stomp and scream cuss words and lash out. So with just a few months to go till the wedding, FI and I were stuck scrambling to try to pay for the food ourselves so that I could be free from his abuse and constant tantrums. 

    With a few days to go till my wedding it has only gotten worse. It does not get better. It gets worse. I want to be clear on that. Give the money back and be free from her. 

    Seems like she's the type of person who will pull the rug out from under you and try to make it all about her no matter how much she swears there's no strings attached. Like if you use the money for a down payment on a house, she'll randomly show up and declare that it's partly her house cuz she paid for it, or she's entitled to a housekey cuz she gave the downpayment; that kind of bullshit. Don't put yourself through that. 
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    CMGragainCMGragain member
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    My Mom was NPD.  My wedding was all about her.  I knew it would be.  I put up with it  because I knew that after the wedding, I would be free and living 1100 miles away from her.
    I agree with the others.  Give back the money and walk away.
    Mom died a year ago.  I wondered what I would feel.  I was by her bedside while she told all the nurses how much she loved them.  They all cried.  Not one word for me.  No surprise.  Yet I was the one who was there for her at the end.  I still have a lot of anger about all the lies she told.  She would have loved her funeral.  She looked beautiful.  That was what mattered to her.
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    Bubbs4everBubbs4ever member
    First Comment
    So just to clarify, give the money back. Not because its the "right" thing to do
    but to protect myself and not allow her to have any leverage. To be clear, the money is in the bank in an account with only my name and my FI's, her name is not on it.

    I wish I could believe that would happen. But even if I did give it back, she will always think she is entitled to run the show because she gave birth to me. She has said that in the past. She even asked me to promise to let her walk me down the aisle ALONE because my Dad got to walk my sister alone and its HER turn. I bean dipped like a mofo on that one.
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    TrixieJessTrixieJess member
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    bizzy592 said:

    My mother is both bipolar and NPD. So I know where you're coming from. And, may I say, nicely done! You've reached adulthood (all by yourself!!), and are working to heal yourself. Now it's all about distance/independence, and minimizing future damage.

    Give the money back. Immediately. And when she offers it to you next time, say no. Politely, because a (justified) 'hell no' will incite more drama.

    It's important that you do this entirely without her, because any help will come with strings. Wedding planning can bring out the BSC in anyone - but if your mom is even half as BSC as mine is under normal circumstances, you'll want to keep your distance. Freedom from a parent with NPD comes in the form of independence - the ability to not want anything from them. Be it tangible ($5000) or intangible (parental love), they will hold it over your head. You will never get the sugar plums. Accept that now, and you take back the power.

    I agree with the above! My mother is the same. I would never take a monetary gift, too many strings. Give the money back, pretend it never existed and write your mother off. Your family are the people you choose, not the people you are related to.
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    bizzy592bizzy592 member
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    Bubbs4ever said:

    So just to clarify, give the money back. YES. Not because its the "right" thing to do
    but to protect myself and not allow her to have any leverage. It's not an issue of right or wrong. If you want any chance of a happy, and healthy adult life, you'll need to eliminate any current or future reliance on her. To be clear, the money is in the bank in an account with only my name and my FI's, her name is not on it.

    I wish I could believe that would happen. But even if I did give it back, she will always think she is entitled to run the show because she gave birth to me. She has said that in the past. Yes, I sure she feels that way, because she's a narcissist. But just because she wants control over your life, doesn't mean you have to give it to her. Taking that money is giving her control. She even asked me to promise to let her walk me down the aisle ALONE because my Dad got to walk my sister alone and its HER turn. I bean dipped like a mofo on that one.


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    blabla89blabla89 member
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    Bubbs4ever said:

    So just to clarify, give the money back. Not because its the "right" thing to do
    but to protect myself and not allow her to have any leverage. To be clear, the money is in the bank in an account with only my name and my FI's, her name is not on it.

    I wish I could believe that would happen. But even if I did give it back, she will always think she is entitled to run the show because she gave birth to me. She has said that in the past. She even asked me to promise to let her walk me down the aisle ALONE because my Dad got to walk my sister alone and its HER turn. I bean dipped like a mofo on that one.

    That's the thing though. Giving it back isn't going to fix the situation, but giving it back allows you to walk away from the situation. But you have to do the walking away part once the money is given back. Of course your mother isn't going to change, but you don't have to deal with her behavior. Set boundaries and be firm with them. Don't interact or engage with her at all when she's behaving inappropriately. Wedding aside, you need to do that for your own sake.
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    Bubbs4everBubbs4ever member
    First Comment
    I know she is not going change and I also know I will be labeled as ungrateful if I keep the money and also if I return it. I have been working on setting boundaries and she does all she can to step over them. She says my therapist is teaching her daughter to be horrible to her, i.e. not being her emotional whipping post.

    To further complicate things, I have an underage brother who she has joint custody of with his father, so cutting her out means limited access to him, which is not cool.

    And Mikenburger, it's insulting to me to even imply that I enjoy being emotionally abused by my mother, something I have struggled with my whole life. Until you have walked a mile in the shoes of a daughter with a mother like this, you should consider the implications of your words.
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    RussianCinderellaRussianCinderella member
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    Bubbs4ever said:

    I know she is not going change and I also know I will be labeled as ungrateful if I keep the money and also if I return it. I have been working on setting boundaries and she does all she can to step over them. She says my therapist is teaching her daughter to be horrible to her, i.e. not being her emotional whipping post.

    To further complicate things, I have an underage brother who she has joint custody of with his father, so cutting her out means limited access to him, which is not cool.

    And Mikenburger, it's insulting to me to even imply that I enjoy being emotionally abused by my mother, something I have struggled with my whole life. Until you have walked a mile in the shoes of a daughter with a mother like this, you should consider the implications of your words.

    If you've been abused for your whole life, you should have known what kind of shit your mother would pull once she offered you that money. Not saying you weren't abused, but you should have known better. Now you should know that it will continue to happen worse if you don't give back the money. She can go around telling people that you took her money and didn't let her help or anything, or she can go around and tell people you gave her her money back. The latter will make her look like an idiot, not you. 
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    TrixieJessTrixieJess member
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    bizzy592 said:

    Bubbs, it does seem like you're looking for reasons to keep the money. I get it - it's a nice chuck of cash, and you're approaching a very expensive day. But the price of her gift will not be worth it, I promise you. Also, giving her back the money, and refusing to play on her terms, doesn't
    mean that you need to cut her out of your life completely. I'd suggest
    it, but I understand that you need to maintain a relationship with your
    brother.

    Although you may not want to hear it, to a certain extent, you probably do like (read: need; engage in) the way she treats you. Before that's misinterpreted, hear me out. Narcissists aren't good parents. They're emotionally abusive, manipulative, and sneakily cruel. From the outside, people might think that I grew up in a privileged household, but the fact of the matter is that I was in essence neglected.

    But, that was what I knew. Despite my mothers game playing, her insults, her backstabbing - she was the only mother I had. So I engaged in her games, because negative attention is better than nothing. Whether you directly engage in her games, or indirectly (keeping her money in an attempt to punish her, for example), you give her control.

    Please listen to @Bizzy592, she knows what she's talking about. I recognise my mother in both your mothers. The best thing I ever learned to do was ignore and deflect. 
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    novella1186novella1186 member
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    I get that you want the $5,000 but it comes with a huge price. 

    I wouldn't even take a million dollars from my dad if he handed it to me. Why? Because it would cost me my freedom and my peace. Nope. 
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    Have security on hand for your wedding to escort your mother away or whatever is necessary should her behavior get out of hand.
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    larrygagalarrygaga member
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    CMGragain said:

    My Mom was NPD.  My wedding was all about her.  I knew it would be.  I put up with it  because I knew that after the wedding, I would be free and living 1100 miles away from her.
    I agree with the others.  Give back the money and walk away.
    Mom died a year ago.  I wondered what I would feel.  I was by her bedside while she told all the nurses how much she loved them.  They all cried.  Not one word for me.  No surprise.  Yet I was the one who was there for her at the end.  I still have a lot of anger about all the lies she told.  She would have loved her funeral.  She looked beautiful.  That was what mattered to her.

    You could start your own thread about you!
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    larrygagalarrygaga member
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    OP: cut those strings dear girl! You don't need to blame her for the way her brain is wired, but you also don't need to suffer because of it. Have a wedding you can afford and don't let her have power over you anymore!
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    lnixon8lnixon8 member
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    OP, Just out of curiosity what was the reasoning your therapist ahd in helping you decide to keep the money?


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    wandajune6wandajune6 member
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    Give her back the money, stop speaking to her and don't invite her to the wedding.

    If you keep the money, you'll never stop hearing from her and will never get any peace. Also, if you keep the money, she'll demand a say in your wedding. $5K is a nice chunk of money but it's not worth the pain.
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    classyduckclassyduck member
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    edited May 2015
    Nevermind... where is the delete button?
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