Wedding Etiquette Forum

Hill to die on?

From the outset, I want to make clear that this story is about plus ones, and not significant others. We went to great lengths to make sure that every single person with a SO was invited with their SO by name, whether they had been together for 8 days or 80 years.

My moms side of the family is pretty small. I have two cousins on her side that I practically grew up with. Like I mentioned, we invited all SOs. These two cousins are not in relationships. They have already booked hotels rooms and everything and suddenly last night I received a call from my mom warning me that my aunt my call because now my two cousins are apparently thinking of boycotting the wedding if we don't let them each being a friend.

We are already at the max number we wanted to invite if we receive 100% yes on RSVPs and I'm not comfortable inviting over that number.

Further, I'm honestly a little hurt about being given an ultimatum. My mom said to tell my aunt that they can bring people if we have some declines even if I have no intention to do that. But I feel uncomfortable even saying that because the single cousins on my dad's side aren't getting plus ones and my FI literally has over 40 first cousins. We had to draw the line at relationships. If we gave everyone who is single a plus one, we probably wouldn't have the space to attend our own wedding! It doesn't seem fair to give them prefential treatment just because they have given an ultimatum. Also, it's not like they will be alone at the wedding. They have each other and they obviously are close with my whole family and would be seated at the family table.

Apparently my aunt wants them to bring friends also, and my mom is worried that she will fight me on this and also might not attend.

My feelings are sort of hurt and I'm trying to be gracious instead of calling them and being like, "your loss. BYE Felicia." If they don't want to come that's obviously fine, but I'm upset about being given an ultimatum and the potential for some serious family drama.

What would you do? Did I do the wrong thing by not giving plus ones?
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Re: Hill to die on?

  • I don't think you did the wrong thing.   Especially when the people invited as singles are not in a relationship and they're family, you were fine.  Furthermore, when people pull ultimatums like this, I think it makes them look like assholes.

    Only you know the family dynamic to decide whether or not this is the hill to die on.   I'd like to say that I'd tell my aunts where to go but I honestly don't think I'd have it in me for two people if I was inviting over 100.   I also don't like family confrontation though and try to avoid it if possible.

    crackktheskyy
  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    If this is going to jack up your budget, seating and other important things: They need to get over it. They don't need a buddy. Ultimatums piss me off too. Don't think I won't let you sit in the corner all by yourself. I don't need anybody in my life that bad.

    And if they are genuinely single, while nice to have plus ones, not necessary.

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    crackktheskyy
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited April 2015
    Well, it's certainly your choice not to die on this hill, but me, I'd respond to an ultimatum with "I'm sorry you/they won't be able to attend. We'll miss you" without further comment.

    You did nothing wrong whatsoever in not inviting plus ones for your single guests. Your aunt and cousins are very rude to demand it of you, and they need to grow up and get over it.
    crackktheskyy
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    You did nothing wrong.

    I do not respond well to ultimatums.  A " We are unable to accommodate your request.  Hope to still see you there" is an appropriate response.



    On another note, I do not think that just because you do something for one side of the family you need to do that for others.  It's not like his  cousins are going to poll your cousins to see who got + ones or not.   They will be lucky if they even talk at all.    I say because groups tend to stay in groups.  Even if they talk to each other I doubt the topic of + ones would comes up.  

    I have a large family, DH is really small.  We invited differently on my side then his.  NBD.

    Anyway, they above is more that if the question was asked before the ultimatum, I might have given them + ones.   Now they are issuing ultimatums I would not accommodate them based on  principal.  








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    [Deleted User]huskypuppy14crackktheskyy
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    This would be entirely different if you came here and said, I've received a lot of no RSVPs.  Can I give some of my single guests a plus one?  I would have said sure! 

    But they went out and pulled the ultimatum card.  That alone would make me dig in my heels.  Tell your mom you aren't allowing plus ones for guests, end of story.  Sorry if they can't make it now.

    If aunt calls, tell her the same thing.  And call their bluff.

    crackktheskyy
  • lovegood90lovegood90 Ontario member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper

    I would MAYBE give them plus ones IF 1) You had the space (and no I don't mean after you get declines, but initial space) 2) They were travelling alone from out of town and wouldn't know anyone else there 3) If they asked politely and didn't give ultimatums.

    Just the fact that they gave an ultimatum like that would make this a hill to die on for me, no question. Stand your ground- you're doing nothing wrong!

    Formerly martha1818

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    [Deleted User]newvalley
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Yeah, if you're going to be super rude and pushy, I want to make a point to you that that behavior will not get results so that you do not try that shit in the future.

    There's no reason to talk to aunt or cousins unless they call you directly. Right now the situation is where you planned it. Tell mom that she can tell aunt that no, you will not be accommodating friends of friends. Then if you have to talk to aunt or whoever, "I'm sorry you feel that way, we'll miss you" is the way to go.

  • The second you give me an ultimatum I will go out of my way to NOT cooperate just to spite you. Not even sorry. Did they ever even ASK if they could bring someone, or just immediately escalate to ultimatums and boycotts? Whatever, have fun at the hotel pool alone, cousins. You did nothing wrong.

    This is how I feel. Had the cousins approached you and very politely asked about bringing +1's, I would maybe advocate trying to accommodate them if you had other declines. But after hearing about an ultimatum through the family grapevine, I would go out of my way not to accommodate them, just on principle. Spiteful? Maybe. But grownups shouldn't be pulling that shit.
    BabyFruit Ticker
    littlepep
  • littlepeplittlepep South Carolina member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Your cousins are basically throwing a tantrum to their mom over not getting to bring a friend. Tell them no. 

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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its

    Nope, I wouldn't cave to an ultimatum.

    I also wouldn't believe anything I heard from a second or third party. Your cousins may not know that their mom told your mom that they were planning to boycott. You shouldn't react to your aunts statement.


                       
  • This is all third party information.  I'd ignore it for now.  If your aunt calls you and causes trouble, just tell her no, your cousins cannot bring friends.  it's not like they won't know anyone else there.  Do pople not understand how expensive weddings are?  why would you pay for some random friend of your cousin to attend?

     

    I'd die on that hill.  to teach them a lesson.  if they don't show up, who cares.  but i'm pretty sure they're bluffing.

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Stand your ground. Yeah, its a small thing, but they are so far in the wrong that I wouldn't bend either. 
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Fuck that noise.  I'm sorry your cousins can't handle being at a wedding where at the very least they'll know each other without bringing a buddy along.  The buddy system was for 3rd grade.  They need to grow up.  So sad they won't make it. 




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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    You're rewarding bad behavior if you give in. Don't do it. 
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  • crackktheskyycrackktheskyy Stars Hollow member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Sorry I've been MIA all day -- I was called into a million meetings and literally just got home and showered (and it's nearly 11pm here!)

    Thanks to each and every one of you who took the time to reply, and I apologize for applying to you all as whole!

    As many of you have pointed out, I'm more upset about the ultimatum thing than anything else. I'm definitely not engaging in conversation with my aunt or my cousins about it unless they reach out to me (and indeed, I'm sort of avoiding calling about anything else/just to say hello for that reason!) If they do reach out, I will reply as planned (and as many of you recommended) that unfortunately we are not able to accommodate their friends and hope they can still attend and if not, we will miss them. 

    If my aunt pushes it further and asks if these people can come if we get declines (which she likely will because it's already been hinted at by my mom), I think I'll just repeat the first part about not being able to accommodate their friends and bean dip to the best of my abilities. 

    As a few people have mentioned, this is indeed not direct info from my aunt, but it is from my mom. If you knew my mom, you'd know she is normally the person who tries to be the farthest removed from my aunt's drama as possible. She rarely will even talk to me about it when my aunt and I don't see eye to eye. The fact that she gave me forewarning to expect a call is enough for me to assume I'll probably hear from my aunt soon. My mom seriously tries to stay out of it. She must have thought this was pretty gauche to say something at all.

    Thanks for all of the great advice, everyone!
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    lovegood90speakeasy14
  • This would piss me off too. You did nothing wrong. They are being ridiculous! This is a family event--ergo, they will know lots of people there and therefore do not need the company of a friend. 

    I know it's bad to B-list, but with this situation it doesn't really seem like a true B-list.  I'd wait until I got enough declines from people and then extend them the offer of bringing a guest as long as your budget allows.

    But where they were giving you an ultimatum, I would probably do nothing out of spite haha!
    crackktheskyy
  • I don't have anything substantive to add to PPs, but I did want to let you know that I'm going through this identical situation right now with my brother, right down to ultimatums and my family making noises about it being more important to make room for them to bring random plus ones than for the first cousins my FI didn't end up inviting to make the venue capacity. You have my sympathy, I hope you stand strong, because I am definitely trying to. 
    crackktheskyy
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Let them boycott.

    You did nothing wrong, and aunt/cousins are being very rude. I cannot imagine every DEMANDING that I get to "bring a friend" somewhere. (Heck, even if DH weren't invited somewhere with me, I wouldn't demand he be allowed to come, I would just decline the invite). 

    I would tell your mom your stance, only so she doesn't tell your aunt "well maybe if there are enough declines", but otherwise not engage unless aunt or cousins engage you. 

    Even if there are a bunch of declines I still wouldn't let them bring a friend, but that's more because I find it so rude that they would demand in the first place... 


    crackktheskyy
  • crackktheskyycrackktheskyy Stars Hollow member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper

    This would piss me off too. You did nothing wrong. They are being ridiculous! This is a family event--ergo, they will know lots of people there and therefore do not need the company of a friend. 

    I know it's bad to B-list, but with this situation it doesn't really seem like a true B-list.  I'd wait until I got enough declines from people and then extend them the offer of bringing a guest as long as your budget allows.

    But where they were giving you an ultimatum, I would probably do nothing out of spite haha!

    Yeah I might be mistaken here (and someone correct me if I am!) but I am pretty sure that it is not B-Listing to go back to a guest after receiving declines and informing them that they can bring a guest. It's not categorically the same as inviting someone you know after declines have come back that wasn't "close enough" or whatever to make the first round. 

    With the ultimatum, though, I not feeling as accommodating.




    I don't have anything substantive to add to PPs, but I did want to let you know that I'm going through this identical situation right now with my brother, right down to ultimatums and my family making noises about it being more important to make room for them to bring random plus ones than for the first cousins my FI didn't end up inviting to make the venue capacity. You have my sympathy, I hope you stand strong, because I am definitely trying to. 

    Solidarity! I hope you're standing strong, too! We will get through this, haha.


    SP29 said:

    Let them boycott.


    You did nothing wrong, and aunt/cousins are being very rude. I cannot imagine every DEMANDING that I get to "bring a friend" somewhere. (Heck, even if DH weren't invited somewhere with me, I wouldn't demand he be allowed to come, I would just decline the invite). 

    I would tell your mom your stance, only so she doesn't tell your aunt "well maybe if there are enough declines", but otherwise not engage unless aunt or cousins engage you. 

    Even if there are a bunch of declines I still wouldn't let them bring a friend, but that's more because I find it so rude that they would demand in the first place... 


    Yeah, I'm definitely sort of mad about the whole situation. My mom definitely understands how I feel though, and sympathizes!!



    In other news, out of the 35-or-so RSVP cards that we have already received back, only one person has RSVPed for herself and a guest even though both envelopes were clearly made out to her. When I reached out today and apologized for any confusion but told her we would be unable to accommodate her guest, she replied by telling us that it was okay and she understood. 

    Sometimes, it's really hard to be the bigger person! I suppose I at least expected her to feel silly or something rather than acting like we did something wrong that was worth forgiving! Sigh.

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