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Christian Weddings
anyone in a situation like mine?
my fiancee and I were together for 4 yrs before he proposed to me. I am a virgin. He is not but he has been chaste with me. I know he is not a virgin but not much more than that. I think he was with one girl, but maybe two. I am fairly sure he regrets it. I think early on he worried I would leave him for it. Part of me forgives his past and be thankful that he has been chaste with me. What matters most is the person he is now right? But part of me is jealous that I wont be his first like he'll be mine. I sometimes feel really sad about that.
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Re: anyone in a situation like mine?
[QUOTE]What I would remind myself if I were you is that God has forgiven him. If God has wiped his sins away, there isn't a reason to keep dwelling on them. He has cast them away as far as the east is from the west! I know it's much easier said than done, but I would remind myself of that as much as I could.
Posted by djhar[/QUOTE]
I'm not in this boat, but I second this.
2010: 41 books, 2011: 31 books, 2012: 100 books
FI made it a point to let me know about it before we started dated and I told him then that I didn't hold it against him. That doesn't mean that I haven't had insecurites creep up about it from time to time, but when they do I remind myself that I already told him I forgave him so nothing good will come of me bringing it up. I can't get upset with him for something I forgave 6 years ago, that wouldn't be fair to him. That helps me to stop myself from getting upset over it. Also, I try not to think about it, it won't benefit me to dwell on it in any way.
What the two of you have is extremely special no matter what. Focus on the fact that it'll be your first time together.
[QUOTE]my fiancee and I were together for 4 yrs before he proposed to me. I am a virgin. He is not but he has been chaste with me. <strong> I know he is not a virgin but not much more than that.</strong> <strong>I think he was with one girl, but maybe two. I am fairly sure he regrets it.</strong> I think early on he worried I would leave him for it. Part of me forgives his past and be thankful that he has been chaste with me. What matters most is the person he is now right? But part of me is jealous that I wont be his first like he'll be mine. I sometimes feel really sad about that.
Posted by bridebridebride2012[/QUOTE]
The above that's bolded would be the biggest worry to me. That stood out to me immediately when I read your post.
I think you guys need to talk through things a some and make sure you're on the same page about stuff. I mean, if you've been abstinent together for 4 years, you're obviously on the same page there, but I think you do need to talk through sexual history... not to get details, but just to have an idea where each one is coming from, make sure you have similar expectations, and talk about how it's making you feel that you will be coming into your wedding night as a virgin when he is not. COMMUNICATION is absolutely the key here, IMO.
Diehld, yes - I do wonder if our first time will be really special or amazing for him since it won't be his first time. or, that first the tiniest fraction of a second he'll remember his first time with someone else.
AbbeyLynne, can you please tell me what you mean by communicating expectations? If I get what your saying, he has said we'll take it slow my first time. if things hurt too much we can take a couple days if we need to.
Overall I think we do have good communication. I just worry that some of the communication I want to have about this topic might be for the wrong reasons or might end up causing either of us pain that's not necessary. Or as pp's have said, there's some things you need to offer up in prayer instead of trying to logically sort it all out. I don't want to put him through a tough heart-2-heart talk if my truest motivations for it are ego driven. I think the secular world puts out this message that communication is the fix-all to everything, but I think there's more to it (and more to it than just knowing when not to speak).
Part of what I need to bring to prayer is accepting that I am giving a gift that isn't being perfectly reciprocated. That doesn't make my gift less worth giving, and he isn't less deserving of it. God gives us tons of gifts that we never really give back equally, or even fractionally.
And i just have to accept the fact that the dream I had when I was in high school isn't going to play out like I had planned (the dream that I would marry a guy who is also a virgin and we'd each have our first time together), but I need to just let go of that and be thankful for all the countless things that are good for the way things are before me. BTW, there are TONS of things about my high school dreams that I'm sooo glad didn't happen
thank you everyone for your support. i have enjoyed reading all your responses. they have all been helpful.
And, I wasn't meaning to like dig into the details of his past sexual experiences, but I do find it a little strange that you don't know how many people he was with, or even if he regretted it. The fact that it's part of his sexual history will impact things... I just meant that you need to talk about how you're feeling about this, how you're feeling that it won't be his first time, all of that.
Also, on the recpericating (sorry on spelling
Sorry if that sounded pushy, I just felt the need to tell you all of that. sorry!
We've been together for 4 years, but the first year and a half or two was really hard for him to forgive me of my mistakes because he was a virgin, I had been with 1 guy, it was so unmeaningful, and sort of a thing i was manipulated into, although i did it, I regret so so much. and I'm pretty sure I was date-raped by this other guy that I went to a highschool party with (i kept this a secret when I was 13 years old, it was a blackout, and woke up with him on me kind of thing. I was too embarassed to talk to anyone about it) But I was completely honest with my (fiance now) and it's been something we both have had to go through a healing process with. But the one thing that made it work was communication, and our personal relationship with Christ. When you have that strong relationship with God, it makes you want to love and forgive like christ does. You have a deeper compassion and understanding. Of course it hurts to think about it, but we are moving forward now, and we will be getting married in 3 weeks. And if we have a daughter, I'm going to have an open and honest relationship with her, when she is old enough, to talk to her about the importance of sex between husband and wife. The only sex ed I ever had were though friends at school and my sister who is very sexually active..
It's hard to forgive and it's not something that is going to feel good or be easy, or happen overnight. But if you two really want to move forward, sit together and have an open and honest conversation. it may be a little uncomfortable at first, but after you get that hurt and baggage out of your system, it really frees you and takes your relationship to a whole new meaning. you grow strong together.
I know people probably tell you "what matters is that he is marrying you, not anyone else" but you wanted that special first time with each other. Of course, it's a God-given, blessed, gift that is saved for your lifelong spouse. But there really isn't anything he can do other than ask you for forgiveness. If you forgive him, don't manipulate him or make him feel bad by bringing it up whenever, ifever, your own personal issues surface. I know that sounds really offensive, but it's so easy to use someones past mistakes that they would do ANYTHING to take back, and use that to manipulate them, or to cover any mistakes you make in the future.
But one thing you should think about is, you love HIM. We are formed and molded from experiences, wisdom from authority, and of course - mistakes that we learn from. Loving him comes along with loving the fact that he can overcome and mature from past mistakes.