FFIL's Wife RSVP's for 8 other people

ConcreteTumbleWeed · May 2015

Hello All,

My future father-in law's wife (we'll call her Ann) sent me an RSVP back yesterday with a note on it that she would like seats for 8 of her family members. She even wrote everyone's name on the back of the RSVP card and said they should be seated with her and my FFIL. Needless to say, fiance and I are very annoyed about it.

In addition Ann, sent me a text yesterday saying that I wouldn't have to send them invitations because she knows how expensive postage can be and that she will just scan and email the invitation to them. Are you f-ing kidding me?

Luckily, I was staying over by my fiance when this occurred (we don't live together) and he immediately called his father to talk to him. His father is soft-spoken and does not really want to rock the boat so he gave the phone to his wife. Fiance started by saying that we appreciate that she got back to us so quickly, but we cannot accommodate her family at the wedding. She proceeded to berate us by saying that "family values are just not important to you kids these days" and that she should be given her fair share of invites because she is part of the family now (they got married 3 years ago). I have never met or seen her family and my fiance only met 1 of the people listed once at their wedding.

I'm afraid of having random guests show up at our wedding because we won't have a place for them and have said this to Ann. She just brushed it off and said that she guesses some of the other guests won't have seats then. Fiance and I do not want to substitute them into be people who will not attend. We refuse to be bullied by her for extra invites. Any thoughts on this?

Just as a side note, when we first started planning and FI asked his family if they would like to contribute anything towards it, he told me that Ann was pretty adamant that it's tradition that the bride's family takes on paying for the entire wedding that that is it's offensive to even ask her.

I forgot to mention and edited the post. According to my FI, it seems like she doesn't see them much and our wedding is a good "mid-point" for her to have her little reunion. Give me a break. She probably doesn't want to host because she doesn't want to entertain people and thought it would be okay to do it on our dime...ugh.

emmaaa · May 2015

Your FI did the right thing. He told her, I'm sorry Ann, but we can't accommodate your family. The invitation was for you and Dad only. I hope you can understand." This puts the ball in her court and any further argument or lashing out only makes her look bad.

unfortunately, if she shows up with her 8 family members you will need to have someone hired to ask them to leave because they were not invited. You could have your FI tell Ann this so she knows that they can't just pop up.

fyrchk · May 2015

Wow. Just wow!

Why would her family even want to attend if they don't know you? I just....wow.

Jen4948 · May 2015

Looks like you and your FI are handling things well so far. But I agree with @emmaaa that you'll need to warn the venue and/or security (which in this case I'd make sure to have) and/or a paid coordinator that should the people show up, they are not to be admitted because they are not invited guests.

As for Ann, I'd let your FI run all interference between you. Yeah, that was ballsy of her to expect you to include 8 of her uninvited family members on her RSVP and for your family to pay for them all.

southernbelle0915 · May 2015

It sounds like your FSMIL is used to getting her way a lot. Unfortunately, she won't this time. And that needs to be made clear to her. She sounds like she may be persistent enough to try and bring them anyway.

Your FI said all the right things the first time around, but it may need to be reiterated to her that this is not an issue of postage - that these people did not receive invitations because they are not invited and there will not be seats or meals for them.

frenchiekin · May 2015

ConcreteTumbleWeed said:
Hello All,

My future father-in law's wife (we'll call her Ann) sent me an RSVP back yesterday with a note on it that she would like seats for 8 of her family members. She even wrote everyone's name on the back of the RSVP card and said they should be seated with her and my FFIL. Needless to say, fiance and I are very annoyed about it.

In addition Ann, sent me a text yesterday saying that I wouldn't have to send them invitations because she knows how expensive postage can be and that she will just scan and email the invitation to them. Are you f-ing kidding me?

Luckily, I was staying over by my fiance when this occurred (we don't live together) and he immediately called his father to talk to him. His father is soft-spoken and does not really want to rock the boat so he gave the phone to his wife. Fiance started by saying that we appreciate that she got back to us so quickly, but we cannot accommodate her family at the wedding. She proceeded to berate us by saying that "family values are just not important to you kids these days" and that she should be given her fair share of invites because she is part of the family now (they got married 3 years ago). I have never met or seen her family and my fiance only met 1 of the people listed once at their wedding.

I'm afraid of having random guests show up at our wedding because we won't have a place for them and have said this to Ann. She just brushed it off and said that she guesses some of the other guests won't have seats then. Fiance and I do not want to substitute them into be people who will not attend. We refuse to be bullied by her for extra invites. Any thoughts on this?

Just as a side note, when we first started planning and FI asked his family if they would like to contribute anything towards it, he told me that Ann was pretty adamant that it's tradition that the bride's family takes on paying for the entire wedding that that is it's offensive to even ask her.

I forgot to mention and edited the post. According to my FI, it seems like she doesn't see them much and our wedding is a good "mid-point" for her to have her little reunion. Give me a break. She probably doesn't want to host because she doesn't want to entertain people and thought it would be okay to do it on our dime...ugh.

Holy shit. To the bolded, do you mean she actually told you "then I guess some of the other guests won't have seats," meaning the guests you actually invited won't have seats because they'll need to give them up for her uninvited family?? I may have read this wrong, but if she did actually mean that... please hire security/someone to handle the uninviteds at the door.

So sorry this is happening to you! Glad you and your FI are united on this and it seems like he handled it very well with her.

classicalandedgy · May 2015

Be clear and inform her that any un-invited guests will be turned away at the door and will not be allowed in. Inform your event coordinator and/or security and since you have names you can actually provide the un-invited guest names to your coordinator. Allowing her to steam roll you now will just set you up for this continues behavior in the future.

banana468 · May 2015

Your FI needs to be blunt, "Ann, if these people show up they will be turned away. They will not be welcomed at our wedding because they weren't invited guests. You can either fix this now and make sure they're aware that they will not be invited. If you don't, the alternate is that these people WILL be all dressed up with nowhere to go."

And then I'd stop engaging in the discussion. That means when it's brought up, say, "That matter is not up for discussion." and then change the subject. If she can't take that hint then walk away. Make sure that they know that this isn't something where they win.

And tell your venue about this issue. I'm a big fan of asking venue staff to be at the front door checking names and giving table assignments as guests arrive just in case you think this could actually happen. Then the venue staff says, "Oh Mr and Mrs. Idiot - unfortunately your names are not on this list so regretfully you can't come into this private event."

ConcreteTumbleWeed · May 2015

Thanks for all of the support and suggestions.

Do you think it would make the other invited guests feel uncomfortable if there is someone actually checking names at the door?

I have just written an email to my venue to let them know of this and will see what they have to say as well.

My FI said he will call his dad again tonight to talk to him (which inevitably, he will probably end up talking to Ann).

thisismynickname2 · May 2015

banana468 said:
Your FI needs to be blunt, "Ann, if these people show up they will be turned away. They will not be welcomed at our wedding because they weren't invited guests. You can either fix this now and make sure they're aware that they will not be invited. If you don't, the alternate is that these people WILL be all dressed up with nowhere to go."

And then I'd stop engaging in the discussion. That means when it's brought up, say, "That matter is not up for discussion." and then change the subject. If she can't take that hint then walk away. Make sure that they know that this isn't something where they win.

And tell your venue about this issue. I'm a big fan of asking venue staff to be at the front door checking names and giving table assignments as guests arrive just in case you think this could actually happen. Then the venue staff says, "Oh Mr and Mrs. Idiot - unfortunately your names are not on this list so regretfully you can't come into this private event."

I'm so appalled for you, OP. The highlighted here is my best advice. All weddings I go to just have the escort cards out on a table by the door, but it actually sounds like Ann just plans to swipe 8 other people's escort cards if given the opportunity. Horrifying. Have staff guarding the table!

Which table were you planning to have her at anyway, meaning, who else is sitting with FFIL? Do those people already know Ann well and know she may try to muscle them out of seats?

lovegood90 · May 2015

ConcreteTumbleWeed said:
Thanks for all of the support and suggestions.

Do you think it would make the other invited guests feel uncomfortable if there is someone actually checking names at the door?

I have just written an email to my venue to let them know of this and will see what they have to say as well.

My FI said he will call his dad again tonight to talk to him (which inevitably, he will probably end up talking to Ann).

I don't see why people would be uncomfortable. It's not against etiquette to check that someone's name is on the invite list for a private, invite-only event.

I've been to tons of events where my name had to be checked and didn't think anything of it- common sense would say the reason they're doing that is to make sure the people coming are invited guests.

banana468 · May 2015

ConcreteTumbleWeed said:
Thanks for all of the support and suggestions.

Do you think it would make the other invited guests feel uncomfortable if there is someone actually checking names at the door?

I have just written an email to my venue to let them know of this and will see what they have to say as well.

My FI said he will call his dad again tonight to talk to him (which inevitably, he will probably end up talking to Ann).

Nope. It's not uncomfortable when you know you were invited. When I've attended weddings like this the person just says, "Oh Peterson/Bueller party of 2? You're at table 18." They also have an interest in making sure the event runs smoothly and it's easier to not let someone in than it is to force them to leave.

[Deleted User] · May 2015

lovegood90 said:

ConcreteTumbleWeed said:
Thanks for all of the support and suggestions.

Do you think it would make the other invited guests feel uncomfortable if there is someone actually checking names at the door?

I have just written an email to my venue to let them know of this and will see what they have to say as well.

My FI said he will call his dad again tonight to talk to him (which inevitably, he will probably end up talking to Ann).

I don't see why people would be uncomfortable. It's not against etiquette to check that someone's name is on the invite list for a private, invite-only event.
I've been to tons of events where my name had to be checked and didn't think anything of it- common sense would say the reason they're doing that is to make sure the people coming are invited guests.

If the people "helping" are at the escort card table (and not checking off names at the door) I really would think that they were just being helpful. Helper: "Name?" Me: "Smith" Helper: "I have 3 Smiths, what's your first name?" Me: "Jane." Helper: "Welcome, Jane Smith. You're at table 7."

labro · May 2015

@ConcreteTumbleWeed I'm sorry you're going through this. Your FSMIL sounds pretty insane.

As far as checking names at the door, are you doing escort cards or place cards at all? You could always have someone at the venue or someone hired for security pass out the cards as people enter, that way the card/seat/table assignment is given directly to the person who was invited and nobody else. Plus it's an opportunity to identify crashers (aka your FSMIL's uninvited guests) who try to walk in and take other guest's seats.

I don't think it'd be uncomfortable for someone to say "Hi, welcome to such and such hall/Concrete and FI's wedding reception! Can I have your name so I can direct you to your seat/table?" and then they can pass off the card to the proper person. Either way, I'm sure your venue will have some suggestions.

southernbelle0915 · May 2015

ConcreteTumbleWeed said:

Do you think it would make the other invited guests feel uncomfortable if there is someone actually checking names at the door?

No. If phrased right, this could be seen as welcoming. The only people who would (should!!) be uncomfortable are the ones who came uninvited.

By phrased right, I mean someone from the venue could ask for the guest(s) name and then say "Welcome Mr. Smith. Here's your escort card. You are at table 5. Enjoy!"

flantastic · May 2015

adk19 said:

lovegood90 said:

ConcreteTumbleWeed said:
Thanks for all of the support and suggestions.

Do you think it would make the other invited guests feel uncomfortable if there is someone actually checking names at the door?

I have just written an email to my venue to let them know of this and will see what they have to say as well.

My FI said he will call his dad again tonight to talk to him (which inevitably, he will probably end up talking to Ann).

I don't see why people would be uncomfortable. It's not against etiquette to check that someone's name is on the invite list for a private, invite-only event.
I've been to tons of events where my name had to be checked and didn't think anything of it- common sense would say the reason they're doing that is to make sure the people coming are invited guests.
If the people "helping" are at the escort card table (and not checking off names at the door) I really would think that they were just being helpful. Helper: "Name?" Me: "Smith" Helper: "I have 3 Smiths, what's your first name?" Me: "Jane." Helper: "Welcome, Jane Smith. You're at table 7."

Yup. You have to be sure the cards aren't visible behind them, though, because that leaves it open for someone to say "Oh, I see mine! Right there. Jane Smith."

Jells2dot0 · May 2015

Yikes!

PPs have given great advice. I just wanted to add that my SD is getting married within the next year. I have been married to her dad for almost 3 years. I would NEVER, EVER assume my family would be invited to her wedding. I would never even ask her about it. If she came to me and wanted to invite them, I'd probably be shocked, as she has never met them (my family lives on the East Coast, I'm on the West Coast. IMHO, your FFIL's wife is being super selfish, perhaps insecure, and she needs to back off.

blabla89 · May 2015

Your FI needs to say, "Ann, I understand that you would like for these people to be at the wedding, but we will not have food or seats for them. If they show up they will be asked to leave. That would be terribly embarrassing for you and we would hate for it to happen."

Be prepared to follow through on it, either with your venue's staff, DOC or hired security.

ETA missing words

huskypuppy14 · May 2015

Your FI could say: "Ann, you're not hosting and you're not paying, so you don't get a say in the guest list. The discussion is closed."

Though you FI shouldn't have asked if his father and SM if they wanted to contribute, it's pretty rude to expect to invite anyone to a wedding you are not hosting or paying for. If she expects the bride's parents to pay for the wedding, then she needs to be told the bride's parents make the guest list. She doesn't get it both ways.

FrenchHouseCat · May 2015

I went to a beautiful wedding where there was no place card table, there was an efficient looking woman with a leather binder who told you where to go, and then there where place cards at everyone's seat. I didn't even think twice about it, I think its acceptable to have any version of someone checking people in, it will also keep things moving smoothly in general.

I'm so sorry this is happening, be strong!

[Deleted User] · May 2015

FrenchHouseCat said:
I went to a beautiful wedding where there was no place card table, there was an efficient looking woman with a leather binder who told you where to go, and then there where place cards at everyone's seat. I didn't even think twice about it, I think its acceptable to have any version of someone checking people in, it will also keep things moving smoothly in general.
I'm so sorry this is happening, be strong!

I would love to someday be described as "an efficient looking woman with a leather binder."

Jen4948 · May 2015

ConcreteTumbleWeed said:
Thanks for all of the support and suggestions.

Do you think it would make the other invited guests feel uncomfortable if there is someone actually checking names at the door?

I have just written an email to my venue to let them know of this and will see what they have to say as well.

My FI said he will call his dad again tonight to talk to him (which inevitably, he will probably end up talking to Ann).

It shouldn't make other guests uncomfortable.

Please keep us updated about your FI's talk with his father and Ann. I'd love to hear how this turns out (you and your FI have my wholehearted support in this). Best of luck!

littlepep · May 2015

southernbelle0915 said:

ConcreteTumbleWeed said:

Do you think it would make the other invited guests feel uncomfortable if there is someone actually checking names at the door?
No. If phrased right, this could be seen as welcoming. The only people who would (should!!) be uncomfortable are the ones who came uninvited.

By phrased right, I mean someone from the venue could ask for the guest(s) name and then say "Welcome Mr. Smith. Here's your escort card. You are at table 5. Enjoy!"

I think this is good advice and I would definitely do this because it sounds like this nut job is going to invite people regardless of what you say.

MadHops21 · May 2015

PP's got it covered, just wanted to wish you luck and to be strong in this. Hope to hear an update about Ann be thoroughly embarrassed.

Jen4948 · May 2015

Whatever you do, make sure Ann does not have a copy of the invitation she can scan or copy to send to anyone you are not inviting. If necessary, keep them under lock and key.

ConcreteTumbleWeed · May 2015

Everyone, thanks for all of your wonderful advice. Jen4948, thank you for your thought but unfortunately, invites already went out so she has one :-/. I just feel like I would be insulted getting a photocopy of an invitation LOL. Let's see how tonight goes. I'm probably staying over by him tonight just to support him in this talk, if it happens (he lives like 10 minutes from me :-))

Jen4948 · May 2015

Well, if you hear back from any of these other people that she wants to invite that they're planning to come, have your FI tell them, "I'm sorry for this misunderstanding, but Ann invited you without our permission. Unfortunately, we aren't able to accommodate you at the wedding."

SP29 · May 2015

Man, this is crazy!

Good for FI for being firm.

I would use some sort of place or escort card, and if random guests do show up, they will be asked to leave.

I have been to a few events (wedding and not) where I have been a) asked my name, b) asked my name and given a table number or c) asked my name then escorted to my table. None were awkward. The time I was escorted was by a handsome young man- a girl could get used to that

levioosa · May 2015

ConcreteTumbleWeed said:
Hello All,

My future father-in law's wife (we'll call her Ann) sent me an RSVP back yesterday with a note on it that she would like seats for 8 of her family members. She even wrote everyone's name on the back of the RSVP card and said they should be seated with her and my FFIL. Needless to say, fiance and I are very annoyed about it.

In addition Ann, sent me a text yesterday saying that I wouldn't have to send them invitations because she knows how expensive postage can be and that she will just scan and email the invitation to them. Are you f-ing kidding me?

Luckily, I was staying over by my fiance when this occurred (we don't live together) and he immediately called his father to talk to him. His father is soft-spoken and does not really want to rock the boat so he gave the phone to his wife. Fiance started by saying that we appreciate that she got back to us so quickly, but we cannot accommodate her family at the wedding. She proceeded to berate us by saying that "family values are just not important to you kids these days" and that she should be given her fair share of invites because she is part of the family now (they got married 3 years ago). I have never met or seen her family and my fiance only met 1 of the people listed once at their wedding.

I'm afraid of having random guests show up at our wedding because we won't have a place for them and have said this to Ann. She just brushed it off and said that she guesses some of the other guests won't have seats then. Fiance and I do not want to substitute them into be people who will not attend. We refuse to be bullied by her for extra invites. Any thoughts on this?

Just as a side note, when we first started planning and FI asked his family if they would like to contribute anything towards it, he told me that Ann was pretty adamant that it's tradition that the bride's family takes on paying for the entire wedding that that is it's offensive to even ask her.

I forgot to mention and edited the post. According to my FI, it seems like she doesn't see them much and our wedding is a good "mid-point" for her to have her little reunion. Give me a break. She probably doesn't want to host because she doesn't want to entertain people and thought it would be okay to do it on our dime...ugh.

PPs have everything else covered. And in regards to the bolded, that was inappropriate. You should never ask for money, especially to fund a party. Your FI was in the wrong to ask his father for money. If your FFIL had offered the money, that's okay, but straight up asking how much he would be contributing was very rude. So it was offensive to ask--not because of tradition, but because it is rude to assume others will pay for your wedding.

ConcreteTumbleWeed · May 2015

Hi All,

So we heard back from our venue and they said that they have experienced this before with some other wedding and they will let us use a staff member to check people in at no additional cost (of course, we will be tipping that staff member nicely if we go this route).

My FI called FFIL on his cell phone last night. His FFIL told him that he understands how we feel but asked if there is any way to accommodate Ann's family. FI told his father that we wouldn't want the uninvited people feel uncomfortable when the venue staff turn them away at the door. He explained that it would make FFIL, Ann and her family look bad to everyone else and that we wouldn't want to subject anyone to that kind of judgement by other guests. FI said, we wouldn't even have time to meet or talk to Ann's family and that it would be better if we met them of FFIL's house another time. I guess Ann realized the conversation that FI was having with FFIL and got on the phone. When Ann started talking, she wouldn't even let FI talk. Finally FI got some talk time in and told Ann, that the final answer is that we cannot accommodate her family. PERIOD. They will be turned away at the door. PERIOD. Ann said that, she feels insulted and will not attend the wedding and will not allow FFIL to attend either. FI said, "I understand how you feel Ann and am sorry we have reached this point. We hope you and FFIL will reconsider and attend but understand if you do not. We would love to have you and FFIL there."

So that's where we stand. I know FI is a hurt by it, but he said that he will accept the situation if they do not come.

FI talked to FMIL about everything afterwards just to let her know what is going on because they are close. FMIL, told him that he did the right thing and that she will fully support us in any way she can.

whovianstark · May 2015

ConcreteTumbleWeed said:
Hi All,

So we heard back from our venue and they said that they have experienced this before with some other wedding and they will let us use a staff member to check people in at no additional cost (of course, we will be tipping that staff member nicely if we go this route).

My FI called FFIL on his cell phone last night. His FFIL told him that he understands how we feel but asked if there is any way to accommodate Ann's family. FI told his father that we wouldn't want the uninvited people feel uncomfortable when the venue staff turn them away at the door. He explained that it would make FFIL, Ann and her family look bad to everyone else and that we wouldn't want to subject anyone to that kind of judgement by other guests. FI said, we wouldn't even have time to meet or talk to Ann's family and that it would be better if we met them of FFIL's house another time. I guess Ann realized the conversation that FI was having with FFIL and got on the phone. When Ann started talking, she wouldn't even let FI talk. Finally FI got some talk time in and told Ann, that the final answer is that we cannot accommodate her family. PERIOD. They will be turned away at the door. PERIOD. Ann said that, she feels insulted and will not attend the wedding and will not allow FFIL to attend either. FI said, "I understand how you feel Ann and am sorry we have reached this point. We hope you and FFIL will reconsider and attend but understand if you do not. We would love to have you and FFIL there."

So that's where we stand. I know FI is a hurt by it, but he said that he will accept the situation if they do not come.

FI talked to FMIL about everything afterwards just to let her know what is going on because they are close. FMIL, told him that he did the right thing and that she will fully support us in any way she can.

Thanks for updating. It sounds like your FI said all of the right things. Hopefully his father still comes to the wedding. I'm sending good vibes your way.

FFIL's Wife RSVP's for 8 other people

Re: FFIL's Wife RSVP's for 8 other people

Choose Another Board

Search Boards