FFIL's Wife RSVP's for 8 other people

dresdendoll · May 2015

This is a crazy situation. I know normally if a family member invites other people that are not actually on the guest list we advise that that family member should set the record straight with the uninvited guests. However, if the family member refuses, would it be appropriate to contact the uninvited guests directly and clear up the situation?

Jen4948 · May 2015

ConcreteTumbleWeed said:
Hi All,

So we heard back from our venue and they said that they have experienced this before with some other wedding and they will let us use a staff member to check people in at no additional cost (of course, we will be tipping that staff member nicely if we go this route).

My FI called FFIL on his cell phone last night. His FFIL told him that he understands how we feel but asked if there is any way to accommodate Ann's family. FI told his father that we wouldn't want the uninvited people feel uncomfortable when the venue staff turn them away at the door. He explained that it would make FFIL, Ann and her family look bad to everyone else and that we wouldn't want to subject anyone to that kind of judgement by other guests. FI said, we wouldn't even have time to meet or talk to Ann's family and that it would be better if we met them of FFIL's house another time. I guess Ann realized the conversation that FI was having with FFIL and got on the phone. When Ann started talking, she wouldn't even let FI talk. Finally FI got some talk time in and told Ann, that the final answer is that we cannot accommodate her family. PERIOD. They will be turned away at the door. PERIOD. Ann said that, she feels insulted and will not attend the wedding and will not allow FFIL to attend either. FI said, "I understand how you feel Ann and am sorry we have reached this point. We hope you and FFIL will reconsider and attend but understand if you do not. We would love to have you and FFIL there."

So that's where we stand. I know FI is a hurt by it, but he said that he will accept the situation if they do not come.

FI talked to FMIL about everything afterwards just to let her know what is going on because they are close. FMIL, told him that he did the right thing and that she will fully support us in any way she can.

Wow. I'm sorry it might come to your FFIL not attending, but I'm glad your FI is standing together with you and being firm and that the venue is being helpful.

banana468 · May 2015

Good for your FI! It sounds like FFIL will have a tough decision to make but if I were your FI, I would make sure it's absolutely clear that this is HIS decision and HIS choice.

Because you know that with a personality type like Ann, it's never going to be her fault.

OliveOilsMom · May 2015

I'm glad your FI stuck up for both of you. Sorry that FFIL may not attend. I would encourage FI to call his dad in a few days and tell him how while he will not budge on the guest list, he is very disappointed to hear that his dad won't attend the wedding over this.

I know you said your FFIL isn't one to make waves, but if I were FFIL I would have been giving my SO a piece of my mind when they unilaterally decided I wasn't going to attend my own child's wedding. I hope that your FFIL stands up to Ann and at least he attends the wedding.

flantastic · May 2015

OliveOilsMom said:
I'm glad your FI stuck up for both of you. Sorry that FFIL may not attend. I would encourage FI to call his dad in a few days and tell him how while he will not budge on the guest list, he is very disappointed to hear that his dad won't attend the wedding over this.
I know you said your FFIL isn't one to make waves, but if I were FFIL I would have been giving my SO a piece of my mind when they unilaterally decided I wasn't going to attend my own child's wedding. I hope that your FFIL stands up to Ann and at least he attends the wedding.

This. Obviously you have no control over whether his dad stands up for himself, but your FI has set the precedent that he, at least, does not cave to entitled crazy and threats.

whovianstark · May 2015

ConcreteTumbleWeed said:
Hello All,

My future father-in law's wife (we'll call her Ann) sent me an RSVP back yesterday with a note on it that she would like seats for 8 of her family members. She even wrote everyone's name on the back of the RSVP card and said they should be seated with her and my FFIL. Needless to say, fiance and I are very annoyed about it.

In addition Ann, sent me a text yesterday saying that I wouldn't have to send them invitations because she knows how expensive postage can be and that she will just scan and email the invitation to them. Are you f-ing kidding me?

Luckily, I was staying over by my fiance when this occurred (we don't live together) and he immediately called his father to talk to him. His father is soft-spoken and does not really want to rock the boat so he gave the phone to his wife. Fiance started by saying that we appreciate that she got back to us so quickly, but we cannot accommodate her family at the wedding. She proceeded to berate us by saying that "family values are just not important to you kids these days" and that she should be given her fair share of invites because she is part of the family now (they got married 3 years ago). I have never met or seen her family and my fiance only met 1 of the people listed once at their wedding.

I'm afraid of having random guests show up at our wedding because we won't have a place for them and have said this to Ann. She just brushed it off and said that she guesses some of the other guests won't have seats then. Fiance and I do not want to substitute them into be people who will not attend. We refuse to be bullied by her for extra invites. Any thoughts on this?

Just as a side note, when we first started planning and FI asked his family if they would like to contribute anything towards it, he told me that Ann was pretty adamant that it's tradition that the bride's family takes on paying for the entire wedding that that is it's offensive to even ask her.

I forgot to mention and edited the post. According to my FI, it seems like she doesn't see them much and our wedding is a good "mid-point" for her to have her little reunion. Give me a break. She probably doesn't want to host because she doesn't want to entertain people and thought it would be okay to do it on our dime...ugh.

ConcreteTumbleWeed said:

I was just thinking... I agree with PPs that it should never be asked who will pay. BUT if you are going by tradition (not etiquette) the groom's family pays for the rehearsal dinner and it sounds like they aren't doing that. Obviously, the only people responsible for paying are the bride and groom. But I just wanted to point out yet another flaw in your FMILs logic.

fyrchk · May 2015

If she does come to the wedding, may I suggest "Crazy B*tch" play as she walks down the aisle? Maybe she could even sing herself down like that one bride...

ShesSoCold · May 2015

Ugh. OP, my MIL pulled some very similar shit. She, too, said she wasn't coming to the wedding because we didn't invite her people. When the wedding was approaching, my H called her and told her that he wanted her at the wedding, but he would not tolerate her horseshit and would not hesitate to remove her if she did come and cause a scene.

Good for you and for your FI for standing your ground and not giving into this nonsense. Keep it up and eventually (hopefully) they'll learn that you're not doormats and temper tantrums do not work.

fyrchk · May 2015

And if she keeps FFIL from his son's wedding? What kind of person does that? That marriage won't last...(FFIL & FSMIL...not yours)

JBee85 · May 2015

She is using scare tactics to force you to accommodate for her guests. Stand your ground. Hopefully she will cool off and have some sense knocked into her. But remember... This person is going to be apart of your life once you are married. As long as your FI and you stand on a united decision, your marriage will last.

Knottie1429926455 · May 2015

Oh my, I'm glad your FI was able to stand up for you two, but I'm sorry that you have this kind of ridiculousness to deal with! Quite honestly, had I been in that situation, after her first insistence that her unwelcome family be invited, I would have had no problem retracting her invitation as well.
The fact that she thinks she can force her husband to not attend his own sons wedding because you don't want perfect strangers there is horrific.
What a terrible woman, you and FI handled this with incredible tact and grace.

SP29 · May 2015

Sorry to hear things are currently going as you would like. Good for your FI- he said all the right things and the fact that you two are taking a united front bodes well for the future.

I am mostly sad for your FFIL. Who lets someone tell them they cannot attend their son's wedding? That is BSC! FFIL needs to stand up and tell his wife to knock it off.

Hopefully things turn around and he'll be there. I hope your FI will keep in contact with FFIL. Does he ever get a chance to talk to his dad without "Ann" around?

onefootinthebayou · May 2015

ConcreteTumbleWeed said:
Hi All,

So we heard back from our venue and they said that they have experienced this before with some other wedding and they will let us use a staff member to check people in at no additional cost (of course, we will be tipping that staff member nicely if we go this route).

My FI called FFIL on his cell phone last night. His FFIL told him that he understands how we feel but asked if there is any way to accommodate Ann's family. FI told his father that we wouldn't want the uninvited people feel uncomfortable when the venue staff turn them away at the door. He explained that it would make FFIL, Ann and her family look bad to everyone else and that we wouldn't want to subject anyone to that kind of judgement by other guests. FI said, we wouldn't even have time to meet or talk to Ann's family and that it would be better if we met them of FFIL's house another time. I guess Ann realized the conversation that FI was having with FFIL and got on the phone. When Ann started talking, she wouldn't even let FI talk. Finally FI got some talk time in and told Ann, that the final answer is that we cannot accommodate her family. PERIOD. They will be turned away at the door. PERIOD. Ann said that, she feels insulted and will not attend the wedding and will not allow FFIL to attend either. FI said, "I understand how you feel Ann and am sorry we have reached this point. We hope you and FFIL will reconsider and attend but understand if you do not. We would love to have you and FFIL there."

So that's where we stand. I know FI is a hurt by it, but he said that he will accept the situation if they do not come.

FI talked to FMIL about everything afterwards just to let her know what is going on because they are close. FMIL, told him that he did the right thing and that she will fully support us in any way she can.

Echo PPs in that I'm sorry to hear you had to go through this and hope that FFIL will attend despite Ann's toddler temper tantrum.

On the bright side, you and your FI are absolute rock stars at conflict resolution. The way you handled it, together, speaks volumes about your character and values. I suspect you will have a very happy life together.

Good luck...

TheArtemisMoon · May 2015

For real? She had no right to do that. Your father in law needs to set is foot down and tell her that her actions and rude come back were uncalled for and that she needs to knock it off.

notdoingitbythebook · May 2015

Yikes! What a crazy situation! Good to hear that your FH stood up to her. I hope things work out with FFIL and that he will come regardless of the crazy lady.

FFIL's Wife RSVP's for 8 other people

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