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Inviting FMIL to the shower - NEW question

lovemesomemonsterlovemesomemonster member
First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
edited May 2015 in Pre-wedding Parties
I need a little help with this situation so hoping someone has some input. My MOH has offered to host a wedding shower and has asked for a list of people I would like to invite. FI works out of state and summers are impossible for him to get time off so it will have to be a more traditional only women shower. Our wedding guest list is almost 100% family and MOH lives in the state that my side lives in. I am thinking my aunts/cousins/BMs but I'm stuck on the MOG.

She is currently going through chemo and will be for the next 6 months. She wants to throw a BBQ at her house for his side of the family and was going to do it this summer but with this diagnosis she has asked if I would be OK with her doing an after wedding gathering for them which is completely fine. 

Originally she was on the list, but with everything going on I'm not sure what to do since she would have to fly for the shower. Should I just talk to her about it over the phone? I feel bad having MOH send an official invite because I know how she is and I don't want her to feel bad not being able to attend, but I also don't want her to feel like she isn't wanted there.

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Re: Inviting FMIL to the shower - NEW question

  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Ask your MOH how many people she is willing to host.  Invite that many people, not all will accept.  Send an invitation to your FMIL.  An invitation is not a subpoena.  She doesn't have to accept, and if she has to get on a plane, she probably won't.  Give her a call after the invitations are in the mail and let her know to expect it.  Tell her you wanted to make sure she was kept in the loop, but since it's so far away, you're aware she probably won't make it.  Who knows, maybe she'll surprise you!
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  • lovemesomemonsterlovemesomemonster member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    adk19 said:

    Ask your MOH how many people she is willing to host.  Invite that many people, not all will accept.  Send an invitation to your FMIL.  An invitation is not a subpoena.  She doesn't have to accept, and if she has to get on a plane, she probably won't.  Give her a call after the invitations are in the mail and let her know to expect it.  Tell her you wanted to make sure she was kept in the loop, but since it's so far away, you're aware she probably won't make it.  Who knows, maybe she'll surprise you!

    Thank you, this is what I was leaning towards, I just know her and didn't want her to feel obligated and then bad if she couldn't make it. I will for sure keep her on the list and make sure to have MOH tell me when she sends the invites so I can talk to her about it. And like you said, everyone reacts to chemo differently so who knows, she might get a wild hair and surprise me, I just want her to focus on herself right now and get healthy!!! She is really looking forward to the wedding, I just don't want her overextending herself.

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  • lovemesomemonsterlovemesomemonster member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    OK, I have another one while we are on this, it gets more complicated.. I'm adopted and met my bio mom when I was 18, we talk all the time and her parents were thrilled to meet me since they have no other grand kids. I will be inviting her, her parents, and brother to the wedding but my mom is the woman who raised me and will be the MOB, no questions about that. The shower will be primarily my mom's side of the family in the state I grew up in. Her parents live in that same state, I have grown close to them and talk to them all the time. I'm stuck on if I should invite my bio grandma to the shower, my bio mom lives out of state but I'm sure would love to attend as well. 

    Yes, my parents have met both her and her parents and love them all, we have become a strange family but it's great. I feel like it would be a good opportunity for them to meet my family since they will be invited to the wedding, but I'm not sure if it's weird? 

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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    lovemesomemonster said:

    OK, I have another one while we are on this, it gets more complicated.. I'm adopted and met my bio mom when I was 18, we talk all the time and her parents were thrilled to meet me since they have no other grand kids. I will be inviting her, her parents, and brother to the wedding but my mom is the woman who raised me and will be the MOB, no questions about that. The shower will be primarily my mom's side of the family in the state I grew up in. Her parents live in that same state, I have grown close to them and talk to them all the time. I'm stuck on if I should invite my bio grandma to the shower, my bio mom lives out of state but I'm sure would love to attend as well. 


    Yes, my parents have met both her and her parents and love them all, we have become a strange family but it's great. I feel like it would be a good opportunity for them to meet my family since they will be invited to the wedding, but I'm not sure if it's weird? 
    If everyone's sufficiently OK with it that no one will feel awkward, and you really want to invite your bio relatives, I'd go for it.

    I have an older half-brother (same mother) who was placed for adoption by our mother when he was born, but he, his now-ex, his kids, and his adoptive parents have met and become friendly with my family. There have been some moments where things felt awkward, but we remain fairly close, although that has suffered in recent years due to his divorce. Still, he is considered a member of our family.
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  • lovemesomemonsterlovemesomemonster member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Thanks @Jen4948, I did call my mom after I posted this to pulse her on it and told her to be 100% honest with me. Before I even got the question out her response was "well you should invite them, they are family and there are no hard feelings about anything". So I guess mom for the win, and I put them on the invite list. I just told her she IS the MOB and nothing will change that. Also threw in that the women in our family can be a little terrifying in large groups and we both agreed that it might be a good time for them to meet people before the wedding. 

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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    If you've taken your mom's pulse on the bio-mom issue and she's cool with it, go ahead and invite your bio-mom and her mother.

    If other people judge or feel awkward, that's their problem.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
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  • lovemesomemonsterlovemesomemonster member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    southernbelle0915 said:

    If you've taken your mom's pulse on the bio-mom issue and she's cool with it, go ahead and invite your bio-mom and her mother.

    If other people judge or feel awkward, that's their problem.

    I 100% agree.. my family may be a little unconventional but I wouldn't change my life or family for ANYTHING! We are crazy and fun, and not a lot of people can say they got to "find" a whole other family when they were 18 and have everyone get along so well! Don't think there will be any issues, my entire family has known I was adopted since I was born (obviously) not to mention I stick out like a freaking sore thumb in family pictures. Mom is the only one I would worry about and since she was so on board we're going for it! Might be worse for her, my family isn't shy and they have been dying to meet her since she found me on myspace 10 years ago!

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  • fyrchkfyrchk member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    I think all of this is lovely, and I know your original question was about your FMIL (sounds like bio-family is taken care of!) send her the invite. She can come or not as she sees fit or depending on how she's feeling. If you do talk to her about not coming make sure she understands that you want her there but you are worried about her health or her overdoing things. I'd hate for her to feel like you are "giving her an out" because you don't want her there.
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  • lovemesomemonsterlovemesomemonster member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    fyrchk said:

    I think all of this is lovely, and I know your original question was about your FMIL (sounds like bio-family is taken care of!) send her the invite. She can come or not as she sees fit or depending on how she's feeling. If you do talk to her about not coming make sure she understands that you want her there but you are worried about her health or her overdoing things. I'd hate for her to feel like you are "giving her an out" because you don't want her there.

    Thank you, I feel so lucky to have my awesome family from all sides, they are the best! I will for sure make it known that I want her there, I just know she has some tough stuff ahead of her to deal with and her health is my #1 concern over a wedding shower.

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