HELP! Mother of the groom is fussing about our "no kids" decision

PrettyGirlLost · November 2014

danamw said:
So it goes: Bride has someone else inform the parents and 6 year old that the child was not invited, and they all must leave.
Then, groom's family hates bride, and bride pretends she doesn't have any idea why this is.
After all, she was within her rights to teach them all a lesson.

Jen4948, you are very young.

No whomever is hosting is within their rights not to admit uninvited guests. Or the venue is within its rights to maintain their fire code limit.

Jesus Christ, why is this such a hard concept for people? Who in their right fucking mind would show up uninvited to an event to begin with? Who in their right mind would bring an uninvited child to an event? Selfish, narcissistic people.

If you show up to an event with a guest that wasn't invited, you're the asshole, period. If you are a parent and you bring an uninvited child to an event, you're still an asshole. It doesn't matter the age of the uninvited guest, you should have known better. If you can't grasp this concept you shouldn't be procreating.

futuremrstarlton · February 2015

Just for the record, my fiancé and I spoke to the parents of this child directly to say we were sorry that we were not able to accommodate children so they are fully aware that the child is not invited. The issue really is that his mother is not letting it go because SHE wants the child there and is telling us that his whole family is upset about it and that "this little girl will be there whether I like it or not." What I told her is that this decision makes it fair, albeit not what they want, for BOTH families as we have children on my side that will not be invited either.

rcher912 · February 2015

@futuremrstarlton, that sounds like a great idea. Sounds like FMIL is the issue here, not the actual parents or child (at least so far!). As for advice, as long as you and FI are happy with your decision about kids, that's it. The end.

As for the rest of this thread, my hope is that people know how to read envelopes. We spend so much time on here discussing how to properly address envelopes, both etiquette-wise and so that people know exactly who's invited (do you get a +1? Are the kids invited?) that I would hope people know how to read and understand who is actually invited to the event.

As PPs have stated, a verbal invite from someone who's not even hosting an event does not count as an invite, and a verbal RSVP to that person is just as meaningless.

MollyandD · February 2015

Some people really don't get that invitations matter. I had multiple uninvited guests show up, but my husband and I didn't realize it until the reception. We had enough food, drinks, and seats to accommodate them, so we let it go. We thanked everyone for coming and said we were happy they could make it.

Truth be told, I didn't mind some of them coming. A few relatives brought other relatives with them, and that didn't bother me. It should, but it didn't. One woman brought her granddaughter. The little toddler was cute and played with the other kids, and it didn't bother me at all. Again, it would have been ok if it had bothered me, it just didn't.

The only one that DID bother me was that a friend I invited brought another woman (she also brought an invited friend along, so it wasn't like she was going in all by herself) to the wedding. I had never met this person that came to my wedding. Plus, the three of them were late and walked in the front door in time to see me prepare to go down the aisle. I think that's why it bothered me when the others didn't. It was an uninvited guest I had never met, plus the three women were late to the ceremony. I kept my mouth shut and none of them will ever know how annoying I found it.

I totally support a couple's right to decide who to invite to a wedding. It's not even about teaching someone a lesson, though it may come to that. It's about the fact that it's a hosted event and only invited people are entitled to the free food and drinks and the party itself.

apriljean88 · February 2015

danamw said:

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

danamw said:

Okay, I am clearly outnumbered.
But it is my belief that things between the couple with the child, and the wedding couple, will be irreparably damaged.
If that is ok with the couple, then they can do whatever they want.
To Jen4948, it is not your place to teach anyone's child a lesson. Nor do you have a right to teach the parents a lesson, either. You are no one's moral compass.

Honestly, I would never throw someone out if they arrived with their non-invited child. It's just not me. I'd be irked as hell though and most likely bitch about it.

BUT...I would try my hardest to never let it get to that point. If I had heard that my FMIL was telling people that their children were invited, I would get my FI to tell her to call them back and say she was mistaken. I would keep an eye out for my RSVPs, making sure the number of people RSVPing was not larger than the number I invited.

speshul, what you add is very correct. If you suspected the guest were getting incorrect advice from the MOG, you should seek to clarify, before it came to the point of ejecting a 6 year old from a wedding his parents were invited to, and told they could bring him.
To the others who think it is ok to throw people out of your wedding, you definitely will be teaching people a lesson. About what a mistake it is, to have anything to do with you.

This. I have my own issues with the guest list and figuring out how I want to handle a similar situation, but seriously. I agree that if you throw someone out of your wedding, especially family, you're only showing them that you have zero decorum.

Yes, I agree that it is wrong for them to show up with an uninvited child; however, lets be the bigger people here.

Jen4948 · February 2015

apriljean88 said:

danamw said:

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

danamw said:

Okay, I am clearly outnumbered.
But it is my belief that things between the couple with the child, and the wedding couple, will be irreparably damaged.
If that is ok with the couple, then they can do whatever they want.
To Jen4948, it is not your place to teach anyone's child a lesson. Nor do you have a right to teach the parents a lesson, either. You are no one's moral compass.

Honestly, I would never throw someone out if they arrived with their non-invited child. It's just not me. I'd be irked as hell though and most likely bitch about it.

BUT...I would try my hardest to never let it get to that point. If I had heard that my FMIL was telling people that their children were invited, I would get my FI to tell her to call them back and say she was mistaken. I would keep an eye out for my RSVPs, making sure the number of people RSVPing was not larger than the number I invited.

speshul, what you add is very correct. If you suspected the guest were getting incorrect advice from the MOG, you should seek to clarify, before it came to the point of ejecting a 6 year old from a wedding his parents were invited to, and told they could bring him.
To the others who think it is ok to throw people out of your wedding, you definitely will be teaching people a lesson. About what a mistake it is, to have anything to do with you.

This. I have my own issues with the guest list and figuring out how I want to handle a similar situation, but seriously. I agree that if you throw someone out of your wedding, especially family, you're only showing them that you have zero decorum.

Yes, I agree that it is wrong for them to show up with an uninvited child; however, lets be the bigger people here.

Sorry, no. There is no etiquette requirement that anyone has to allow kids at their wedding. Whether or not it makes someone "the bigger person" to do so is not relevant when the couple was not allowed to invite kids in the first place due to venue restrictions.

The rules about whether or not anyone has to admit an uninvited person of any age to their wedding are the same as if the uninvited guests are at their home. Just as one does not show up at someone else's home with their uninvited kid and demand accommodation, neither does one do so at a wedding. No one is entitled to bring their kids uninvited to a wedding and expect the couple or the hosts to accommodate them. It is rude. It costs the hosts extra money to accommodate uninvited guests, may be a breach of contract, and may even be against the law. What part of this don't you get?

wrigleyville · February 2015

Jen4948 said:

apriljean88 said:

danamw said:

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

danamw said:

Okay, I am clearly outnumbered.
But it is my belief that things between the couple with the child, and the wedding couple, will be irreparably damaged.
If that is ok with the couple, then they can do whatever they want.
To Jen4948, it is not your place to teach anyone's child a lesson. Nor do you have a right to teach the parents a lesson, either. You are no one's moral compass.

Honestly, I would never throw someone out if they arrived with their non-invited child. It's just not me. I'd be irked as hell though and most likely bitch about it.

BUT...I would try my hardest to never let it get to that point. If I had heard that my FMIL was telling people that their children were invited, I would get my FI to tell her to call them back and say she was mistaken. I would keep an eye out for my RSVPs, making sure the number of people RSVPing was not larger than the number I invited.

speshul, what you add is very correct. If you suspected the guest were getting incorrect advice from the MOG, you should seek to clarify, before it came to the point of ejecting a 6 year old from a wedding his parents were invited to, and told they could bring him.
To the others who think it is ok to throw people out of your wedding, you definitely will be teaching people a lesson. About what a mistake it is, to have anything to do with you.

This. I have my own issues with the guest list and figuring out how I want to handle a similar situation, but seriously. I agree that if you throw someone out of your wedding, especially family, you're only showing them that you have zero decorum.

Yes, I agree that it is wrong for them to show up with an uninvited child; however, lets be the bigger people here.

Sorry, no. There is no etiquette requirement that anyone has to allow kids at their wedding. Whether or not it makes someone "the bigger person" to do so is not relevant when the couple was not allowed to invite kids in the first place due to venue restrictions.

The rules about whether or not anyone has to admit an uninvited person of any age to their wedding are the same as if the uninvited guests are at their home. Just as one does not show up at someone else's home with their uninvited kid and demand accommodation, neither does one do so at a wedding. No one is entitled to bring their kids uninvited to a wedding and expect the couple or the hosts to accommodate them. It is rude. It costs the hosts extra money to accommodate uninvited guests, may be a breach of contract, and may even be against the law. What part of this don't you get?

I agree with Jen.

Also, you're simply rewarding their bad behavior. If everyone just sighs and lets them come in, they're going to continue bringing their uninvited kids to functions because they keep getting away with it.

[Deleted User] · February 2015

PrettyGirlLost · February 2015

pinkrevenge said:

On what planet can someone come to my hosted event with uninvited people who could put me in financial and legal trouble and I'm the bad guy if I refuse to be put in that kind of hot water? It's bad "decorum"? Other parents had to make arrangements to comply with the rules, other guests followed the rules, and I could get in serious trouble, but somehow the guests never invited in the first place are the victims?

You hear that, everyone? Weddings are a free-for-all, let's all go wedding hunting and get ourselves some free food.

Only in the minds of some people in this thread, because there are kids in tow and God Forbid we upset the children! THink of the children!!!!

psayers · February 2015

I have a overbearing mother in law also ughhhhhh makes you want to elope at times. Anyhoo as suggested above stand your ground and stick with what was planned from the beginning. If there is to be no kids that means NO kids no exceptions. We are also having an adult wedding and I have stood my ground with not budging on my decision.

[Deleted User] · February 2015

Our wedding is also a no kids wedding, but with many exceptions. It's more a "don't come unless you're specifically invited by my fiance or I", but if children show up uninvited their parents will have to bring them home, whereas adults might not be, depending on who it is. For instance, my under 18 friends are welcome, my 13 year old brother is welcome, etc. but my 5 year old cousin most certainly is not. It's not to be mean to kids, i simply don't want them there. No one under 13 will be there. It's how my fiance and I want it, I don't see why not wanting kids at your wedding is a bad thing.

southernbelle0915 · February 2015

Knottie59869593 said:

Our wedding is also a no kids wedding, but with many exceptions. It's more a "don't come unless you're specifically invited by my fiance or I", but if children show up uninvited their parents will have to bring them home, whereas adults might not be, depending on who it is. For instance, my under 18 friends are welcome, my 13 year old brother is welcome, etc. but my 5 year old cousin most certainly is not. It's not to be mean to kids, i simply don't want them there. No one under 13 will be there. It's how my fiance and I want it, I don't see why not wanting kids at your wedding is a bad thing.

It's fine to have a kid-free wedding, or a kid-lite wedding. That's your choice. I went kid free all the way. No one under 18.. Actually I don't think there was anyone under 20, but I can't remember.

But with the bolded, I wonder....are you splitting families? i.e. there are two kids in a family, one is 14 and one is 10. The 14 y/o is invited and the 10 y/o is not.

plainjane0415 · February 2015

Knottie59869593 said:

Our wedding is also a no kids wedding, but with many exceptions. It's more a "don't come unless you're specifically invited by my fiance or I", but if children show up uninvited their parents will have to bring them home, whereas adults might not be, depending on who it is. For instance, my under 18 friends are welcome, my 13 year old brother is welcome, etc. but my 5 year old cousin most certainly is not. It's not to be mean to kids, i simply don't want them there. No one under 13 will be there. It's how my fiance and I want it, I don't see why not wanting kids at your wedding is a bad thing.

As long as you don't separate families, then I think you're fine.

plainjane0415 · February 2015

southernbelle0915 said:

Knottie59869593 said:

Our wedding is also a no kids wedding, but with many exceptions. It's more a "don't come unless you're specifically invited by my fiance or I", but if children show up uninvited their parents will have to bring them home, whereas adults might not be, depending on who it is. For instance, my under 18 friends are welcome, my 13 year old brother is welcome, etc. but my 5 year old cousin most certainly is not. It's not to be mean to kids, i simply don't want them there. No one under 13 will be there. It's how my fiance and I want it, I don't see why not wanting kids at your wedding is a bad thing.

It's fine to have a kid-free wedding, or a kid-lite wedding. That's your choice. I went kid free all the way. No one under 18.. Actually I don't think there was anyone under 20, but I can't remember.

But with the bolded, I wonder....are you splitting families? i.e. there are two kids in a family, one is 14 and one is 10. The 14 y/o is invited and the 10 y/o is not.

hahah @southernbelle0915 great minds!

kellyem2 · February 2015

Boy, this seems to be a pretty heated topic. haha

Frankly, I'd say if you already talked to the parents of the child and they know their kid isn't invited and don't plan on bringing their kid to your wedding then your job is done.

Your FMIL is no longer entitled to take up your time with this issue. You have other things that need doing, and she shouldn't be monopolizing your time (especially in a way that's putting a damper on your day).

Her behavior is way out of line, which means she has eliminated any chance to be a happy part of your special day. Don't talk wedding plans with her anymore. Like, any plan. If she brings up the wedding, change the subject. If she brings up this kid again, simply say that you've already spoken to the child's parents and have come to an agreement about how things will be handled, then start talking about something else. It's sad, because the child your FMIL is fighting over is probably more mature and more deserving to be at your wedding than she is after these nasty outbursts. *sigh*

[Deleted User] · March 2015

I doubt I'll be splitting families, we aren't inviting many people with children that are on my side anyway. My fiance said a lot of his family has kids, but he said to enforce the "no kids" rule. The only issue I can think of is my uncle has 3 kids, one that will be around 5 at the time of our wedding, two that will be in their mid to late teens that I know well and want to have invited. If he could find someone to care for my younger cousin that would be ideal, but he lives a few states away from where the wedding will be, and as bad as I feel about that particular situation, I really, really don't want littler kids around. My little brother, my fiance's little brother, and my bridesmaid's little sister (that I've known since she had that weird soft spot on her head) are the youngest people invited, all in the same grade. And by then, they should all be 14 now that I think of it.

southernbelle0915 · March 2015

Knottie59869593 said:
I doubt I'll be splitting families, we aren't inviting many people with children that are on my side anyway. My fiance said a lot of his family has kids, but he said to enforce the "no kids" rule. The only issue I can think of is my uncle has 3 kids, one that will be around 5 at the time of our wedding, two that will be in their mid to late teens that I know well and want to have invited. If he could find someone to care for my younger cousin that would be ideal, but he lives a few states away from where the wedding will be, and as bad as I feel about that particular situation, I really, really don't want littler kids around. My little brother, my fiance's little brother, and my bridesmaid's little sister (that I've known since she had that weird soft spot on her head) are the youngest people invited, all in the same grade. And by then, they should all be 14 now that I think of it.

Yes, this would be splitting families and against etiquette.

banana468 · March 2015

I don't know that splitting families is against etiquette but it's not advised because it can hurt feelings when you pick and choose.

You can have an age cutoff and that can split a family. The B&G would be within their rights to do so but it could upset others. However upsetting others isn't the defining factor for whether or not you broke an etiquette rule - otherwise dry weddings would be rude.

lovegood90 · March 2015

banana468 said:
I don't know that splitting families is against etiquette but it's not advised because it can hurt feelings when you pick and choose.

You can have an age cutoff and that can split a family. The B&G would be within their rights to do so but it could upset others. However upsetting others isn't the defining factor for whether or not you broke an etiquette rule - otherwise dry weddings would be rude.

Yeah, IMO splitting families is in the same category as not inviting in circles, or having a "celebration of marriage consolation prize" party- not technically against etiquette, but probably not the best thing to do.

I dunno, those aren't hard and fast comparisons obviously, just my personal opinion.

futuremrstarlton · May 2015

So just for an update, my FMIL has apparently called my wedding coordinator and requested a kid's meal for this child at the wedding... who was not invited.... but she still thinks she should be. We have already told other people who have asked to bring their children that they cannot bring them because of our original plan to have an adult reception. How would you approach this?!?!?

Jen4948 · May 2015

futuremrstarlton said:
So just for an update, my FMIL has apparently called my wedding coordinator and requested a kid's meal for this child at the wedding... who was not invited.... but she still thinks she should be. We have already told other people who have asked to bring their children that they cannot bring them because of our original plan to have an adult reception. How would you approach this?!?!?

Tell your wedding coordinator that the child was not invited and will have to be turned away, and that your FMIL is not authorized to deal with the venue staff-only you and your FI. Also, for the wedding itself, have security on hand who will check in your guests and turn away any uninvited guests-and will escort out your FMIL if she creates any uncalled-for drama.

And do not discuss your wedding with your FMIL any further. Should she bring it up again, tell her that the subject is closed.

kmmssg · May 2015

I absolutely agree that you need to reinforce with the venue that FMIL has no authority to make any changes and that they are to share NO information with her. Then I think your FI needs to bluntly ask her what she thinks she is doing by going behind your backs. Before that happens though - has he decided to back you or his mother in this argument? In your OP you said he was waffling and was thinking you guys should let FMIL have her way.

Jen4948 · May 2015

@futuremrstarlton, I've been wondering: why is your FMIL so dead set on inviting this particular kid to the point that she's trying to do it behind your back and after being repeatedly told that kids are not invited. Is she doing this with other kids from her side or just this one kid alone?

southernbelle0915 · May 2015

futuremrstarlton said:
So just for an update, my FMIL has apparently called my wedding coordinator and requested a kid's meal for this child at the wedding... who was not invited.... but she still thinks she should be. We have already told other people who have asked to bring their children that they cannot bring them because of our original plan to have an adult reception. How would you approach this?!?!?

Call your venue coordinator and let him know that he is not to make any changes or take any requests from anyone except you and your FI.

Let him know the background on the situation and that the child is not invited. Tell him that if your FMIL calls him again, he should directly tell her that no kids meals will be served, that the child is not on the guest list, and to follow up with you/your FI with any requests.

lovegood90 · May 2015

southernbelle0915 said:

futuremrstarlton said:
So just for an update, my FMIL has apparently called my wedding coordinator and requested a kid's meal for this child at the wedding... who was not invited.... but she still thinks she should be. We have already told other people who have asked to bring their children that they cannot bring them because of our original plan to have an adult reception. How would you approach this?!?!?
Call your venue coordinator and let him know that he is not to make any changes or take any requests from anyone except you and your FI.

Let him know the background on the situation and that the child is not invited. Tell him that if your FMIL calls him again, he should directly tell her that no kids meals will be served, that the child is not on the guest list, and to follow up with you/your FI with any requests.

THIS. Why does she even have the phone number for your coordinator?? Keep her away from any and all wedding details. Don't even give her a physical invitation-there have been some crazy stories on here of people photocopying them to give to uninvited guests.

And once again: security at the door!

geebee908 · May 2015

This is one of those FMIL situations that has ramifications for the MIL's involvement in the couple's life/decisions going forward. FMIL needs to learn that the decisions you two make as a couple are not hers to override. FI needs to understand that if he gives in to her now, it will be much more difficult to stand up to her later. You need to be a united front on this and FI should shut down his mom.

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