Visiting people in the hospital?

jenna8984 · May 2015

My brother and SIL had their 3rd baby last night. I asked DH if he wanted to come with me to the hospital after work today and he said "No I hate bothering people in the hospital, let's just go to their house in a few days".
I'm kind of like what the?? I never thought of it as bothering, but more that people are bored to death in there and enjoy visitors. What do you think? (if it matters, for their previous children they had a lot of visitors, they didn't tell people not to)

dolewhipper · May 2015

I wonder if he had an experience that makes him think this way. Or maybe the thought process of, "just let her and the baby sleep!" mentality.

FiancB · May 2015

I know when I got hospitalized for a few days in high school, I would have loved visitors. We also recently had to take H's uncle to the hospital and stayed with him until it was clear he'd be there overnight, and then visited again in the morning.

I think it's best to, you know, ask them. Call up and ask when a good time is and if they'd like visitors. And then actually visit with them, don't just fawn over the baby and ignore them. But yeah, I definitely say visit. Being in the hospital is boring as hell. Bring some good food, too.

TrixieJess · May 2015

It depends on who it is and why they are in the hospital.

When a friend has a baby, I generally ask if they want visitors at the hospital or wait until they get home. It also depends on the hospital. The hospital I delivered at, although it was a secure ward, had a great visitors policy and allowed a lot at a time. My gf delivered at another hospital in town and they were very strict, only 2 people and no other children.

For other people who are having surgery and the like, I always ask. They may be drugged to the nines or there could be complications. Unless it's my brother, then I'm there until another family member takes over. (He has a heart condition and has had several surgeries)

For people who are in palliative care, I would try and visit as often as possible.

I think in most circumstances, you can always ask.

climbingsingle · May 2015

For family, I would absolutely always visit them in the hospital. An acquaintance or distant friend, no.

LondonLisa · May 2015

I will go if I have been specifically invited. I think some people are more private than others. My very dear best friend didn't want anyone to go to hospital because she had a catheter and the bag was right next to her bed and she just wanted to sleep.

Every situation is different, but mistakes are often made when people assume that they are invited and just show up.

WinstonsGirl · May 2015

Depends on the person for me. My Brother/SIL during labour, nope. She wanted peace and quiet, especially when it was the first kid. She knew Grandparents were going to be all over that and she wanted so peace a quiet to get used to having a kid.

My Dad is going in for hip replacement surgery this summer. I'll go visit for sure and I'll be bringing lots of fun stuff/food

jenna8984 · May 2015

P.S. We were just talking about names/ nicknames in the thread last week. They named her Allie. I asked if it was Allison and they said no just Allie. It's very cute and all but I feel like people are going to ask that all the time because it's just an immediate reaction that it's a nickname.

falsara · May 2015

Depends on who it is. When my Nana was in the hospital in January I was there for half the day, and then i switched off with other family members. She slept a lot in the beginning of her hospitalization so more of it was making sure she had everything she needed than actually visiting with her.

For baby's and new mom's - I would ask, even if it's family. If it's not family it kind of depends on the situation/ how close you are to them.

Edit - My tea hasn't kicked in yet.

ashley8918 · May 2015

I will only go if I have been invited (unless someone was in a horrible accident or something, in that case, fuck you I am coming to check on your ass). When I had my kids, everyone and their mother felt entitled to come and visit me and I was NOT into it, for a few reasons.

1. I had just given birth, and was a fucking mess.

2. I had just given birth, and was fucking exhausted and was not up for entertaining people.

3. People kept trying to touch/hold my baby, and let their small children hold my baby. NO.

4. I was in a lot of pain, and wanted to be left the fuck alone.

I found it incredibly bothersome.

Jells2dot0 · May 2015

I agree that it depends on who it is and why they are in the hospital. When I was in for my chemo, I didn't really want visitors. I was afraid they would bring in germs and I'd get sick. I was also super tired and didn't want to have to be awake if I got too sleepy.

I was in the hospital back in high school because the doctors thought I was having seizures. I felt fine and loved having visitors. I could get up and walk around with them, I wasn't in pain and/or tired, and no one came in and gave me that "Oh, you poor thing" look.

arrippa · May 2015

I visited a friend in the hospital who had her baby a few months back. although, I am not sure if they were excited to see us or the donuts we brought. Either way, it was a good visit.

jenna8984 · May 2015

ashley8918 said:
I will only go if I have been invited (unless someone was in a horrible accident or something, in that case, fuck you I am coming to check on your ass). When I had my kids, everyone and their mother felt entitled to come and visit me and I was NOT into it, for a few reasons.

1. I had just given birth, and was a fucking mess.
2. I had just given birth, and was fucking exhausted and was not up for entertaining people.
3. People kept trying to touch/hold my baby, and let their small children hold my baby. NO.
4. I was in a lot of pain, and wanted to be left the fuck alone.

I found it incredibly bothersome.

Oh that stinks. I guess I always just did it because everyone else does...like her parents are already there and her best friends are already there (posting pics online). I just texted her and asked if I could swing by after work but also said I understand if you just want to be left alone. So hopefully she wil let me know what she's feeling.

sunset30 · May 2015

Congrats on becoming an aunt again!

I think visiting people in the hospital with births is very dependent on the individual as well as who is visiting. I just had a baby 5 weeks ago and was happy to have immediate family visitors (parents and siblings) but beyond that I wouldn't really want anyone else to come. I guess I feel like I can be honest with my family if I need them to leave so we could rest or feed the baby or whatever and didn't feel like I had to get all fancied up to host them. Some friends of mine who've had babies wanted tons of visitors and others have wanted to have time alone with their SO and new baby (or are recovering from a particularly harrowing birth).

With a baby, unless there are some weird circumstances, I felt that the time in the hospital went pretty quick and you don't have much time to be bored between visits from doctors for you and the baby, tests and photographs they do plus you're spending time bonding with the new baby and learning to feed, change them, (and trying to squeeze in some sleep!) etc. So visiting a new mom in the hospital is more about sharing the joy of the new baby versus visiting someone who is sick where they may be more bored.

If your SIL and bro are open to visitors and have welcomed it with the previous kids and opened the door for you to come, it sounds like they're cool with it. I guess I'd just be conscious not to stay an extremely long time.

AprilH81 · May 2015

I went to the hospital waiting room when my sister was in labor and got to see the babies when she was in recovery. I didn't stay long and then would come back the next day for a short visit, but we're fairly close.

I would at least text before heading over to make sure she doesn't have a meeting with a doctor or something.

ashley8918 · May 2015

jenna8984 said:
I will only go if I have been invited (unless someone was in a horrible accident or something, in that case, fuck you I am coming to check on your ass). When I had my kids, everyone and their mother felt entitled to come and visit me and I was NOT into it, for a few reasons.

1. I had just given birth, and was a fucking mess.
2. I had just given birth, and was fucking exhausted and was not up for entertaining people.
3. People kept trying to touch/hold my baby, and let their small children hold my baby. NO.
4. I was in a lot of pain, and wanted to be left the fuck alone.

I found it incredibly bothersome.

Oh that stinks. I guess I always just did it because everyone else does...like her parents are already there and her best friends are already there (posting pics online). I just texted her and asked if I could swing by after work but also said I understand if you just want to be left alone. So hopefully she wil let me know what she's feeling.

Yep, I would think this should be sufficient. Had someone texted this to me, I would have really appreciated the opportunity to say "You know, i'm not feeling so hot today- maybe tomorrow?" or something.

stefuhknee · May 2015

I had a C-section and was in the hospital for 3-4 days. I loved having visitors. My son slept a lot and although nurses and docs came in to check on us every now and then, I still enjoyed the company of my immediate family and close friends.

My FSIL gave birth two weeks after I did and we visited her the day after the delivery and she was happy that we came.

Honestly, I think I'd be a little sad if no one came to visit me in the hospital since it's the norm in my circle to visit your close friends and fam.

JennyColada · May 2015

With an ex (then-bf) we visited his sister after she gave birth. I actually found the whole thing pretty awkward.

Me and DH did not visit SIL, we just didn't see the rush. We saw the baby a few weeks later at her house and that's good enough.

I've never visited anyone if they were in the hospital for other things, and I doint I ever would (well, maybe aside from my parents).

I doubt I'd want anyone visiting me, but I imagine that family will just assume that I want to see them and come by because "that's what people do".

TrixieJess · May 2015

ashley8918 said:

jenna8984 said:
I will only go if I have been invited (unless someone was in a horrible accident or something, in that case, fuck you I am coming to check on your ass). When I had my kids, everyone and their mother felt entitled to come and visit me and I was NOT into it, for a few reasons.

1. I had just given birth, and was a fucking mess.
2. I had just given birth, and was fucking exhausted and was not up for entertaining people.
3. People kept trying to touch/hold my baby, and let their small children hold my baby. NO.
4. I was in a lot of pain, and wanted to be left the fuck alone.

I found it incredibly bothersome.

Oh that stinks. I guess I always just did it because everyone else does...like her parents are already there and her best friends are already there (posting pics online). I just texted her and asked if I could swing by after work but also said I understand if you just want to be left alone. So hopefully she wil let me know what she's feeling.

Yep, I would think this should be sufficient. Had someone texted this to me, I would have really appreciated the opportunity to say "You know, i'm not feeling so hot today- maybe tomorrow?" or something.

All of the above! I've had two GFs who have had emergency c-sections. I said to them, let me know when you are up and about and we will get together. No way would I go to the hospital. I knew both their personalities well enough to know they were not going to be up for anyone outside of family and that was going to be a strain.

Also, it is VERY nice when people bring food to new moms. I loved my GFs a little bit more who brought me food. I brought my one friend a pizza in recovery after her baby, and my step-mom McDonalds after she had my brother. I'm their favourites.

stefuhknee · May 2015

TrixieJess said:

ashley8918 said:

jenna8984 said:
I will only go if I have been invited (unless someone was in a horrible accident or something, in that case, fuck you I am coming to check on your ass). When I had my kids, everyone and their mother felt entitled to come and visit me and I was NOT into it, for a few reasons.

1. I had just given birth, and was a fucking mess.
2. I had just given birth, and was fucking exhausted and was not up for entertaining people.
3. People kept trying to touch/hold my baby, and let their small children hold my baby. NO.
4. I was in a lot of pain, and wanted to be left the fuck alone.

I found it incredibly bothersome.

Oh that stinks. I guess I always just did it because everyone else does...like her parents are already there and her best friends are already there (posting pics online). I just texted her and asked if I could swing by after work but also said I understand if you just want to be left alone. So hopefully she wil let me know what she's feeling.
Yep, I would think this should be sufficient. Had someone texted this to me, I would have really appreciated the opportunity to say "You know, i'm not feeling so hot today- maybe tomorrow?" or something.

All of the above! I've had two GFs who have had emergency c-sections. I said to them, let me know when you are up and about and we will get together. No way would I go to the hospital. I knew both their personalities well enough to know they were not going to be up for anyone outside of family and that was going to be a strain.

Also, it is VERY nice when people bring food to new moms. I loved my GFs a little bit more who brought me food. I brought my one friend a pizza in recovery after her baby, and my step-mom McDonalds after she had my brother. I'm their favourites.

Hell yes to this. Everyone knows hospital food sucks. So I appreciated my visitors who brought me Starbucks and other goodies after my C-section just a tad bit more!

PrettyGirlLost · May 2015

TrixieJess said:
It depends on who it is and why they are in the hospital.

When a friend has a baby, I generally ask if they want visitors at the hospital or wait until they get home. It also depends on the hospital. The hospital I delivered at, although it was a secure ward, had a great visitors policy and allowed a lot at a time. My gf delivered at another hospital in town and they were very strict, only 2 people and no other children.

For other people who are having surgery and the like, I always ask. They may be drugged to the nines or there could be complications. Unless it's my brother, then I'm there until another family member takes over. (He has a heart condition and has had several surgeries)

For people who are in palliative care, I would try and visit as often as possible.

I think in most circumstances, you can always ask.

Absolutely what Trixie said.

1st baby of close family or friend- I'll make a brief appearance, if I'm even allowed to as the major hospitals in my area have strict visitation rules for the maternity wards- they don't want people succeeding in stealing a baby. I'd rather just see you when you are discharged, it's more comfortable for everyone.

2nd/3rd/4th/10th child of same relative- I'll see you once you get out of the hospital, unless there was some sort of complication and you or your child is ill and still hospital bound.

Surgeries- I don't visit without asking 1st. Personally, I would not want a crowd when I'm drugged, in pain, trying to recover, super, super ill, etc. all while trying to maintain some modesty/privacy in those stupid, flimsy hospital gowns. So I always check with the person or the family before just showing up. I make sure to visit them at home, once they are discharged, though.

Palliative care- I visit as often as I can.

ashley8918 said:
I will only go if I have been invited (unless someone was in a horrible accident or something, in that case, fuck you I am coming to check on your ass). When I had my kids, everyone and their mother felt entitled to come and visit me and I was NOT into it, for a few reasons.

1. I had just given birth, and was a fucking mess.
2. I had just given birth, and was fucking exhausted and was not up for entertaining people.
3. People kept trying to touch/hold my baby, and let their small children hold my baby. NO.
4. I was in a lot of pain, and wanted to be left the fuck alone.

I found it incredibly bothersome.

Yep, exactly this too.

Also, I really dislike hospitals. I work in one for 8+ hours a day. So unless it's life threatening, a horrible accident, or pallative, I really am not inclined to leave one hospital and go hang out in another. I'd much rather come and visit you and help you out once you are at home.

sarahufl · May 2015

I take a cue from the person. And I always say - "would love to see you, but let me know what time works best and what I can bring" not "I'm on my way! clear your schedule!" Some people want visitors, others don't. And I never stay long (unless the person requests it). My dad was in the hospital recently and a fringe friend came and stayed for TWO HOURS and my dad felt like he had to entertain him.

My sister is pregnant with her second child. She told me I am the only person (besides her H) who she wants at the hospital. We live far away, but I am considering jumping on a plane when she goes into labor. But she is literally the ONLY person I would do this to, and only because she asked. We are also very close.

When I had my surgery recently, it was out-patient, so I was home a couple hours later. H kept asking if I wanted him to call people so I could have company. But I was not in the mood. I was depressed, sore and not wearing a bra for a week. I wanted nobody in my house and if someone had shown up, I would have asked them to leave.

ChemFanatic25 · May 2015

I said bothersome because my friend doesn't plan on having anyone see the kid until late summer and it was born at the beginning of April. So I'm assuming I'd be bothering her if I showed up any earlier than that, aka in the hospital when she just had the kid.

huskypuppy14 · May 2015

I would always ask. And it would depend why they are in the hospital. I know my mother and my MIL are going to be super overbearing in this regard, when if we have children. My mother badgered my aunt into going to see her the day she gave birth because she was going away the next day for a week. My dad was like "why are you bothering them, you're going to see your niece for the rest of your life (they live down the street from my parents).

When my husband was in the hospital his parents came almost every day, which is fine because it's their son, but he was out of it, I was on my computer and they were reading. They were pretty much keeping me company, not him.

Whenever I visit people who have had a baby, I only stay for a short time, like 20 minutes.

Bubblegum5586 · May 2015

I always assumed that visits were appreciated... plus I work across the street from a big hospital in my city so it's always easy to swing by. I mean I have only ever visited my best friend, step sisters and SIL so I am close with all of them. Although I always text before to confirm a good time!

But then I was talking with a girl I am planning our reunion with and she was telling me they told everyone NO visitors except parents at the hospital AND the first week at home. She said they did that because they were brand new parents with no baby experience and they wanted to take that time to learn and get more comfortable.

It made me realize that not everyone is comfortable with that... and honestly I kind of liked that idea. Maybe not as strict as those rules... but I don't think I would want a lot of visitors as I am recovering and learning how to breast feed etc....

VulgarGirl · May 2015

I just do that thing where I ask the person in the hospital because I assume they are able to make their own decisions about having visitors or not having visitors. Ya know, because everyone is a unique individual and every circumstance is different.

AprilH81 · May 2015

ChemFanatic25 said:
I said bothersome because my friend doesn't plan on having anyone see the kid until late summer and it was born at the beginning of April. So I'm assuming I'd be bothering her if I showed up any earlier than that, aka in the hospital when she just had the kid.

Is the baby a premie or have other health complications? That is pretty unusual.

peachy13 · May 2015

My FSIL had a baby last year and right after everything went down, everyone in FI's family was like "oo the baby is here! Let's all go to the hospital right this instant!!!" And I'm looking at FI like "yeah we're not going in there until tomorrow." FSIL later on admitted that she hated everyone coming in right after because she was so tired and didn't look her best -- I told her that we only visited her the following day because I know that when I have a baby someday, I'll want to sleep after!

KatWAG · May 2015

My son was in the NICU for weeks after he was born. And while I really appreciated how concerned people were, I felt like I had to entertain and didn't have time to bond with my newborn.

I think you did the right thing by calling before you stop by. And if she does give you the okay to visit, keep it short. And I wouldn't ask the hold the newborn. Mom probably wants to hold the LO.

Blergbot · May 2015

PPs have given good advice. When I was hospitalized on bed rest BEFORE baby came, I was all about visitors. Afterward it was hard juggling visitors with NICU trips and pumping, so I wasn't as into it.

southernbelle0915 · May 2015

I picked "Other".

It depends on: 1) if they want visitors and 2) why they're there.

For example, when I give birth, I probably WON'T be "bored at the hospital". I'll be super pre-occupied and already in good company with my new babe who I just finally got to meet. In this scenario, I will likely not want any visitors. On the flip side, if I broke my leg and needed surgery, I probably WILL be "bored at the hospital" because my recovering leg isn't really good company. In this scenario, I'd probably take any visitors/distractions I can get.

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