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FI Vent

I have been asking FI for a couple of months to get me a list of his friends that he would like to invite to the wedding so I can finalize the guest list, I gave him a max number after doing our families so no issues with budget/capacity. The wedding is basically a destination for both sides so I want to get the save the dates out soon. He is dragging his feet so it's a good thing I have a close relationship with his family because between me, his mom, and his grandma we got the family taken care of and addresses done (save the dates are even ready to go). To make matters worse, he is now in a different state so I can't exactly sit him at the kitchen table with a pen and paper and get the dang list. 

I called him last week and told him I need the list, his response was "I don't work Sunday, we'll talk about it then". Great, so I call him Sunday, he's watching a movie and will call me back, then he's at the grocery store, then he's watching another movie. I finally told him I have been asking about this for months, he's officially in crunch time and get the list done. Yep, still haven't seen it.

No idea what the point of this post is, but I'm a tad peeved that apparently this one request is going in one ear and out the other.

Anyone else have a moment like this when planning? I get that it's not all that exciting but there are some things that just need to be done!!!

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Re: FI Vent

  • I have been asking FI for a couple of months to get me a list of his friends that he would like to invite to the wedding so I can finalize the guest list, I gave him a max number after doing our families so no issues with budget/capacity. The wedding is basically a destination for both sides so I want to get the save the dates out soon. He is dragging his feet so it's a good thing I have a close relationship with his family because between me, his mom, and his grandma we got the family taken care of and addresses done (save the dates are even ready to go). To make matters worse, he is now in a different state so I can't exactly sit him at the kitchen table with a pen and paper and get the dang list. 


    I called him last week and told him I need the list, his response was "I don't work Sunday, we'll talk about it then". Great, so I call him Sunday, he's watching a movie and will call me back, then he's at the grocery store, then he's watching another movie. I finally told him I have been asking about this for months, he's officially in crunch time and get the list done. Yep, still haven't seen it.

    No idea what the point of this post is, but I'm a tad peeved that apparently this one request is going in one ear and out the other.

    Anyone else have a moment like this when planning? I get that it's not all that exciting but there are some things that just need to be done!!!
    This kind of happened with H during planning. I told him the date the STDs were going out, and said if I didn't get the list by then, they're still going out.

    Well he never got them to me and I sent them out. 

    He was a bit peeved but I told him when he can't do shit on a schedule that schedule doesn't revolve around him and instead gets done. He got me the list that night.
    I like this.. and will be officially giving him a deadline! 

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  • scribe95 said:

    I hope this isn't how he is on other parts of the planning. He needs to be a part of it.


    That said it's just STD's. And it's his friends so send them and if his don't get out that's not really your problem.
    He was a part of all of the big things (venue, date, DJ, photographer). He works 70+hrs/wk in the summer and has no interest in centerpieces, colors etc. This is the only thing I need him for this summer then we will do food, booze etc. together when it's closer and he's home. Typically he's the organized one in the relationship but when he works this much he tends to not care about things like the design of a save the date.

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  • I have been asking FI for a couple of months to get me a list of his friends that he would like to invite to the wedding so I can finalize the guest list, I gave him a max number after doing our families so no issues with budget/capacity. The wedding is basically a destination for both sides so I want to get the save the dates out soon. He is dragging his feet so it's a good thing I have a close relationship with his family because between me, his mom, and his grandma we got the family taken care of and addresses done (save the dates are even ready to go). To make matters worse, he is now in a different state so I can't exactly sit him at the kitchen table with a pen and paper and get the dang list. 


    I called him last week and told him I need the list, his response was "I don't work Sunday, we'll talk about it then". Great, so I call him Sunday, he's watching a movie and will call me back, then he's at the grocery store, then he's watching another movie. I finally told him I have been asking about this for months, he's officially in crunch time and get the list done. Yep, still haven't seen it.

    No idea what the point of this post is, but I'm a tad peeved that apparently this one request is going in one ear and out the other.

    Anyone else have a moment like this when planning? I get that it's not all that exciting but there are some things that just need to be done!!!
    This kind of happened with H during planning. I told him the date the STDs were going out, and said if I didn't get the list by then, they're still going out.

    Well he never got them to me and I sent them out. 

    He was a bit peeved but I told him when he can't do shit on a schedule that schedule doesn't revolve around him and instead gets done. He got me the list that night.
    I like this.. and will be officially giving him a deadline! 
    Make sure you stick to it too if he doesn't give you the list. You need to show him that mean business and aren't just all talk. I would just say, "The STDs are going out _________ whether I have your list or not. Just FYI."


    imageimage



  • I have been asking FI for a couple of months to get me a list of his friends that he would like to invite to the wedding so I can finalize the guest list, I gave him a max number after doing our families so no issues with budget/capacity. The wedding is basically a destination for both sides so I want to get the save the dates out soon. He is dragging his feet so it's a good thing I have a close relationship with his family because between me, his mom, and his grandma we got the family taken care of and addresses done (save the dates are even ready to go). To make matters worse, he is now in a different state so I can't exactly sit him at the kitchen table with a pen and paper and get the dang list. 


    I called him last week and told him I need the list, his response was "I don't work Sunday, we'll talk about it then". Great, so I call him Sunday, he's watching a movie and will call me back, then he's at the grocery store, then he's watching another movie. I finally told him I have been asking about this for months, he's officially in crunch time and get the list done. Yep, still haven't seen it.

    No idea what the point of this post is, but I'm a tad peeved that apparently this one request is going in one ear and out the other.

    Anyone else have a moment like this when planning? I get that it's not all that exciting but there are some things that just need to be done!!!
    This kind of happened with H during planning. I told him the date the STDs were going out, and said if I didn't get the list by then, they're still going out.

    Well he never got them to me and I sent them out. 

    He was a bit peeved but I told him when he can't do shit on a schedule that schedule doesn't revolve around him and instead gets done. He got me the list that night.
    I like this.. and will be officially giving him a deadline! 
    Make sure you stick to it too if he doesn't give you the list. You need to show him that mean business and aren't just all talk. I would just say, "The STDs are going out _________ whether I have your list or not. Just FYI."
    He has until Monday, that gives him Sunday to do it (he knows I won't mess around with that).. I don't get it, it's not that hard, who are your closest friends that you feel should be there!

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  • scribe95 said:

    Well to be fair you aren't asking him about the design of the save the date. You are asking for a list of good friends and addresses. That's not a lot. And he apparently has time to watch movies...

    Yes, I agree, which is why I'm frustrated, shouldn't be that hard. He is the most amazing, hard working man I have ever met but he can be a stubborn SOB when he doesn't want to do something. Good thing he wants to do laundry, I guess I'll take that for the win.

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  • Literally going through this right now. My FI was NOT getting my the addresses of his coworkers. He passed his save the dates out at work but I don't want to do that with the actual invites. I asked him at least 3 weeks ago and have asked a bit since and he still wasn't getting them and I was getting really frustrated. Yesterday I told him I was feeling really stressed out and that I asked for ONE thing and it was upsetting to me that he couldn't even do that. He came home from work yesterday with all the addresses so I guess my guilt trip worked!
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  • I had that same issue.  He was pretty good about getting me a list of names because I created a google doc shared spreadsheet and told him to just type the names on it.  But, getting the addresses was another story, until I finally told him that if he didn't have the addresses by X date, then they're not getting a STD or invite.  The guest list is probably 70% his people so he got going once I gave a bit of an ultimatum. 


    Married 9.12.15
    image
  • scribe95 said:

    I hope this isn't how he is on other parts of the planning. He needs to be a part of it.


    That said it's just STD's. And it's his friends so send them and if his don't get out that's not really your problem.
    I don't really agree with this-my FI helped with big decisions, but he's not sitting there picking out napkin colors, designing the invites and making hotel bags. I don't think every man is or wants to be super involved with wedding planning.
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  • hicoco said:

    scribe95 said:

    I hope this isn't how he is on other parts of the planning. He needs to be a part of it.


    That said it's just STD's. And it's his friends so send them and if his don't get out that's not really your problem.
    I don't really agree with this-my FI helped with big decisions, but he's not sitting there picking out napkin colors, designing the invites and making hotel bags. I don't think every man is or wants to be super involved with wedding planning.
    Yup... mine isn't really interested in much of anything other than the beer offerings, and I gave him two menu options and he picked one (both sounded good to me).  I've also put him in charge of music since he's into that.  Otherwise, he does not care about anything else. 
    Married 9.12.15
    image
  • kvrunskvruns member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    hicoco said:

    scribe95 said:

    I hope this isn't how he is on other parts of the planning. He needs to be a part of it.


    That said it's just STD's. And it's his friends so send them and if his don't get out that's not really your problem.
    I don't really agree with this-my FI helped with big decisions, but he's not sitting there picking out napkin colors, designing the invites and making hotel bags. I don't think every man is or wants to be super involved with wedding planning.



    Other parts of planning could also include food, drinks, DJ/band, photographer, etc. So I read her post as saying hope he's not like this when it comes time to pick a caterer or plan a menu or whatever, doesn't have to be color schemes or tablecloths.

  • scribe95 said:

    I hope this isn't how he is on other parts of the planning. He needs to be a part of it.


    That said it's just STD's. And it's his friends so send them and if his don't get out that's not really your problem.
    Exactly.

    Say "Honey, I'm mailing the STDs on X date.  If you do not give me your friends names and addresses by X-Y date, they will not be receiving a STD from me.  It will be on you to mail them to your friends."

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • scribe95 said:

    I hope this isn't how he is on other parts of the planning. He needs to be a part of it.


    That said it's just STD's. And it's his friends so send them and if his don't get out that's not really your problem.
    Exactly.

    Say "Honey, I'm mailing the STDs on X date.  If you do not give me your friends names and addresses by X-Y date, they will not be receiving a STD from me.  It will be on you to mail them to your friends."
    I have told him he has until Monday, then they are going with or without his friends being sent.. Unfortunately I do have to be a little sensitive of his time and I can't in good conscience say it's on him to mail them, when I say Sunday is his only day off I mean he actually works from 6:30am until at least 7:30pm every other day of the week with very few exceptions (not to mention he's in another state so not even possible). 

    They will just have to get them later than everyone else if he's doing to keep dragging his feet.

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  • This happened to me, too.
    He never did get the addresses, so his friends aren't invited.

    image

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  • Thanks everyone for letting me vent.. as stated in my OP I was just looking to vent because I was frustrated, not drum up a debate on how "adult" my FI is, and to see if anyone else had a particularly frustrating thing happen during planning.

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  • Thanks everyone for letting me vent.. as stated in my OP I was just looking to vent because I was frustrated, not drum up a debate on how "adult" my FI is, and to see if anyone else had a particularly frustrating thing happen during planning.

    You've been around here long enough to know that isn't how it works. You post and people will respond how they want.

    I think your FI is being ridiculous. It would take him what 15-20 minutes to do this and he can't be bothered? He could do it if he wanted to. Clearly he just doesn't want to.
    OH I figured I would get something, just also figured more people on here would have some kind of story about a frustrating part of planning for them (as some did above). No big deal! I agree, he is a big boy and could sit down and do it, like I stated earlier, he can be supper stubborn when there is something he doesn't want to do and I know that about him. Love the man to death and of course I would want to defend him because in life there is so much beyond this but I digress, this was a vent post and I had it coming!

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  • redoryxredoryx member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited May 2015
    lovegood90 said: bethsmiles said: lovemesomemonster said:Thanks everyone for letting me vent.. as stated in my OP I was just looking to vent because I was frustrated, not drum up a debate on how "adult" my FI is, and to see if anyone else had a particularly frustrating thing happen during planning.

    You've been around here long enough to know that isn't how it works. You post and people will respond how they want.
    I think your FI is being ridiculous. It would take him what 15-20 minutes to do this and he can't be bothered? He could do it if he wanted to. Clearly he just doesn't want to.

    Yeah...I get being busy but "watching a movie" is not a good excuse to put something off, no matter how hard he works. Everyone has jobs, he's not a SS, FFS.
    **boxes boxes**

    If anything, he can do it while watching the movie (assuming he's at home and not at a movie theater). Multi tasking FTW
    image
  • Thanks everyone for letting me vent.. as stated in my OP I was just looking to vent because I was frustrated, not drum up a debate on how "adult" my FI is, and to see if anyone else had a particularly frustrating thing happen during planning.

    Then maybe don't tell the internet how not-adult he is acting?
  • scribe95 said:

    I hope this isn't how he is on other parts of the planning. He needs to be a part of it.


    That said it's just STD's. And it's his friends so send them and if his don't get out that's not really your problem.
    Exactly.

    Say "Honey, I'm mailing the STDs on X date.  If you do not give me your friends names and addresses by X-Y date, they will not be receiving a STD from me.  It will be on you to mail them to your friends."
    I have told him he has until Monday, then they are going with or without his friends being sent.. Unfortunately I do have to be a little sensitive of his time and I can't in good conscience say it's on him to mail them, when I say Sunday is his only day off I mean he actually works from 6:30am until at least 7:30pm every other day of the week with very few exceptions (not to mention he's in another state so not even possible). 

    They will just have to get them later than everyone else if he's doing to keep dragging his feet.
    Why not?

    How much he works is frankly irrelevant.  At some point he has to prioritize your wedding- his wedding- over watching movies and otherwise pissing around when shit needs to get done for his wedding.
    The only reason I can't use the "or you mail them" line is I would have to mail them all to him so he could mail them out.. so he would know that's a totally empty statement because I'm not wasting that money!

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  • MagicInk said:

    Does he not have to be sensitive to your time? Or is what you do for work/fun not as important as what he does?


    And going to a mailbox is not hard. This is very easily accomplished. Mailing envelopes is so easy most children can do it.
    Ah yes, will respond to this one. I work on average a 40hr week, 50 if it's super busy and live in our house all year long. He works out of state 7 months of the year and works a 70+hr week in the summer so I take on most of the home/extra responsibilities willingly.. He pays the mortgage and regularly deposits money into my account while he's gone for "fun" spending, I can't complain. 

    This one request just seems to be like pulling teeth with him!

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  • scribe95 said:

    I hope this isn't how he is on other parts of the planning. He needs to be a part of it.


    That said it's just STD's. And it's his friends so send them and if his don't get out that's not really your problem.
    Exactly.

    Say "Honey, I'm mailing the STDs on X date.  If you do not give me your friends names and addresses by X-Y date, they will not be receiving a STD from me.  It will be on you to mail them to your friends."
    I have told him he has until Monday, then they are going with or without his friends being sent.. Unfortunately I do have to be a little sensitive of his time and I can't in good conscience say it's on him to mail them, when I say Sunday is his only day off I mean he actually works from 6:30am until at least 7:30pm every other day of the week with very few exceptions (not to mention he's in another state so not even possible). 

    They will just have to get them later than everyone else if he's doing to keep dragging his feet.
    Why not?

    How much he works is frankly irrelevant.  At some point he has to prioritize your wedding- his wedding- over watching movies and otherwise pissing around when shit needs to get done for his wedding.
    The only reason I can't use the "or you mail them" line is I would have to mail them all to him so he could mail them out.. so he would know that's a totally empty statement because I'm not wasting that money!
    Just say, then, "Honey, I really need these addresses by X date, and if I don't get them, then your friends aren't getting STDs."  Then follow through and don't send them STDs after the fact.  Let him be responsible for telling his friends about the wedding date.

    And that way, when you tell him you need those addresses in order to send the actual invitations or else his friends aren' t invited a la Luckya23, he'll know you mean what you say.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • redoryx said:

    lovegood90 said:

    Thanks everyone for letting me vent.. as stated in my OP I was just looking to vent because I was frustrated, not drum up a debate on how "adult" my FI is, and to see if anyone else had a particularly frustrating thing happen during planning.

    You've been around here long enough to know that isn't how it works. You post and people will respond how they want.

    I think your FI is being ridiculous. It would take him what 15-20 minutes to do this and he can't be bothered? He could do it if he wanted to. Clearly he just doesn't want to.
    Yeah...I get being busy but "watching a movie" is not a good excuse to put something off, no matter how hard he works. Everyone has jobs, he's not a SS, FFS.
    **boxes boxes**

    If anything, he can do it while watching the movie (assuming he's at home and not at a movie theater). Multi tasking FTW


    Yeah for real...I do tons of other shit while movie watching. In fact that is when I do most my shit.
  • scribe95 said:

    I hope this isn't how he is on other parts of the planning. He needs to be a part of it.


    That said it's just STD's. And it's his friends so send them and if his don't get out that's not really your problem.
    Exactly.

    Say "Honey, I'm mailing the STDs on X date.  If you do not give me your friends names and addresses by X-Y date, they will not be receiving a STD from me.  It will be on you to mail them to your friends."
    I have told him he has until Monday, then they are going with or without his friends being sent.. Unfortunately I do have to be a little sensitive of his time and I can't in good conscience say it's on him to mail them, when I say Sunday is his only day off I mean he actually works from 6:30am until at least 7:30pm every other day of the week with very few exceptions (not to mention he's in another state so not even possible). 

    They will just have to get them later than everyone else if he's doing to keep dragging his feet.
    Why not?

    How much he works is frankly irrelevant.  At some point he has to prioritize your wedding- his wedding- over watching movies and otherwise pissing around when shit needs to get done for his wedding.
    The only reason I can't use the "or you mail them" line is I would have to mail them all to him so he could mail them out.. so he would know that's a totally empty statement because I'm not wasting that money!
    Just say, then, "Honey, I really need these addresses by X date, and if I don't get them, then your friends aren't getting STDs."  Then follow through and don't send them STDs after the fact.  Let him be responsible for telling his friends about the wedding date.

    And that way, when you tell him you need those addresses in order to send the actual invitations or else his friends aren' t invited a la Luckya23, he'll know you mean what you say.
    Yes to all of this, he has until Monday or they are going in the mail without the friends!

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  • MagicInk said:

    Does he not have to be sensitive to your time? Or is what you do for work/fun not as important as what he does?


    And going to a mailbox is not hard. This is very easily accomplished. Mailing envelopes is so easy most children can do it.
    Ah yes, will respond to this one. I work on average a 40hr week, 50 if it's super busy and live in our house all year long. He works out of state 7 months of the year and works a 70+hr week in the summer so I take on most of the home/extra responsibilities willingly.. He pays the mortgage and regularly deposits money into my account while he's gone for "fun" spending, I can't complain. 

    This one request just seems to be like pulling teeth with him!
    And once you are married there might be other paper work like "stuff" that he needs to complete in a timely manner during the summer, like filling out the forms to make you his beneficiary, adding you to his insurance maybe, etc.  That shit has more serious consequences if it doesn't get done compared to STDs not going out.

    Come on FI, give the lady the damn addresses already!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • MagicInk said:

    Does he not have to be sensitive to your time? Or is what you do for work/fun not as important as what he does?


    And going to a mailbox is not hard. This is very easily accomplished. Mailing envelopes is so easy most children can do it.



    This!

    Somewhat-but-not-really-related anecdote: When SO and I first moved in together, there was a bit of an assumption that I could take time off work instead of him to be available for things like the internet guys and whatever else comes with moving.

    Yes his job is more stressful and he works a lot of overtime, but I had to level-set with him that stuff like this is OUR responsibility and that my time is just as important. He immediately respected that. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and your time. You're not his freaking secretary.

    (Yeah you didn't ask for advice but whatever).

    I know this one well, I work from home and when I started that he would email me to pick up something or send a package etc. assuming I could do it because I was home.. That was shut down real quick after a quick discussion of "I am home but I still work the same hours, doesn't mean I can spend all day running around town". 

    That brings up another frustration.. people coming door to door in the middle of the day and ringing the door bell more than once, if I didn't come the first time probably not going to the next time and my barking dog is super in the middle of a conference call so thanks.

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