How do we feel about this?

novella1186 · May 2015

I've found the discussions and differing opinions about announcing engagements and pregnancies on facebook to be pretty interesting. But what about announcing a death?

My dog woke me up super early this morning and I couldn't fall back asleep so I grabbed my phone and started skimming my facebook news feed. That's when I saw that a girl I had grown up with apparently died last night.

I knew her because our moms have been close friends since before we were born, so I called my mom because I was really shocked and confused. My mom hadn't even heard about it yet.

The girl's mom is (understandably) upset that she wasn't even given the chance to call family or close friends before it was blasted all over social media (on top of the grief she's already going through).

I know people react to things in different ways, and maybe it was put on facebook because the people close to her thought that others had a right to know or something? I mean I don't really feel like I have the right to judge or criticize that choice because it's their loss and their grief and their method of dealing with this.

However, it would be awful for a close friend of her's to find out in that way that their friend was gone. (This actually happened to me in high school. I found out via social media that a close friend of mine was murdered while I was at a public internet cafe in Costa Rica. I had a crying, screaming breakdown in front of a bunch of strangers who just stared at me like I was insane.)

So... for me, I think I'd have to say keep deaths off of social media. I don't know. What do you all think about this kind of thing?

charlottesmom0626 · May 2015

I think it's really shitty. But I'm also not a crazy FB poster.

Friends and family should have a right to find out first and then mourn how they choose. If they wish to make an announcement later or close the account, that's their choice...but I think loss of privacy is also a product of social media. I mean if people can easily find out exactly where you're drinking coffee at this moment, it makes sense they will also know when bad things happen too.

MJKlover · May 2015

Two years ago I learned of the murder of my 21 year old cousin through Facebook. His "friend" was the person who shot him and other friends of theirs were present at the time. So within minutes it was posted everywhere. That was very difficult having to call older relatives who either don't have a FB page or don't check it often. I was upset that family learned about his death this way, but it may be a generational thing. People in my cousin's peer group seem to post everything on social media on instinct.

novella1186 · May 2015

julie_shannon said:

Two years ago I learned of the murder of my 21 year old cousin through Facebook. His "friend" was the person who shot him and other friends of theirs were present at the time. So within minutes it was posted everywhere. That was very difficult having to call older relatives who either don't have a FB page or don't check it often. I was upset that family learned about his death this way, but it may be a generational thing. People in my cousin's peer group seem to post everything on social media on instinct.

I'm so sorry you went through that.

I keep thinking it would be better to hear it over the phone from a person you know rather than to read it publicly on facebook, but I don't know. Maybe-- like you said-- it's a generational thing, and maybe some people don't care about a personal phone call, or they think it's entirely appropriate to share news that way. I can't really wrap my head around the whole issue.

MJKlover · May 2015

novella1186 said:

julie_shannon said:

Two years ago I learned of the murder of my 21 year old cousin through Facebook. His "friend" was the person who shot him and other friends of theirs were present at the time. So within minutes it was posted everywhere. That was very difficult having to call older relatives who either don't have a FB page or don't check it often. I was upset that family learned about his death this way, but it may be a generational thing. People in my cousin's peer group seem to post everything on social media on instinct.

I'm so sorry you went through that.

I keep thinking it would be better to hear it over the phone from a person you know rather than to read it publicly on facebook, but I don't know. Maybe-- like you said-- it's a generational thing, and maybe some people don't care about a personal phone call, or they think it's entirely appropriate to share news that way. I can't really wrap my head around the whole issue.

--There should be a box here.--

Thank you, I appreciate that. I am also sorry for your losses as well. It's always difficult especially if it was unexpected.

novella1186 · May 2015

julie_shannon said:

julie_shannon said:

Two years ago I learned of the murder of my 21 year old cousin through Facebook. His "friend" was the person who shot him and other friends of theirs were present at the time. So within minutes it was posted everywhere. That was very difficult having to call older relatives who either don't have a FB page or don't check it often. I was upset that family learned about his death this way, but it may be a generational thing. People in my cousin's peer group seem to post everything on social media on instinct.

I'm so sorry you went through that.

I keep thinking it would be better to hear it over the phone from a person you know rather than to read it publicly on facebook, but I don't know. Maybe-- like you said-- it's a generational thing, and maybe some people don't care about a personal phone call, or they think it's entirely appropriate to share news that way. I can't really wrap my head around the whole issue.
Thank you, I appreciate that. I am also sorry for your losses as well. It's always difficult especially if it was unexpected.

The thing is, I haven't hung out with this girl or spoken to her in person in about 20 years. So I don't even know what happened. I don't know if it was the kind of situation where she was sick for a long time, or if it was a sudden accident, or what. I guess that adds to the level of... I don't even know the word? Weirdness? Inappropriateness? Shock?... of just randomly reading something about it on facebook.

jacques27 · May 2015

Newspapers don't even publish names until family have been notified if the death is "newsworthy". I don't care how you "process" death - Facebook doesn't have to be part of that process. Posting that information is tacky and classless and I wouldn't be friends with someone who did that. Because someone posting that information on Facebook before funeral arrangements can even be made and put in the paper pretty much tells me that you have no respect for the deceased or their family and all you're interested in is making it about you: you having the first post, you having the inside scoop, you getting to prove how close you are and how much of a loss it is to you that you're posting publicly, you getting people to post back at you how sorry they are for YOU.

I personally, would keep it it off Facebook altogether, but I am anti-Facebook in general. However, I do recognize it's the direction our society has gone in general and even if Facebook goes away, being interconnected though some form of media is here to say. At the very minimum, nothing should have been posted anywhere unless by a parent or spouse and no one else should have posted anything anywhere until an obituary appeared in the paper.

WinstonsGirl · May 2015

I'm okay with it being posted, so long as everyone important has already been told. Something short, mentioning the passing of ... without details. Basically, it's how obits have worked for years. Family and friends are notified and then an announcement is made to the public after some time has passed.

lyndausvi · May 2015

julie_shannon said:

Two years ago I learned of the murder of my 21 year old cousin through Facebook. His "friend" was the person who shot him and other friends of theirs were present at the time. So within minutes it was posted everywhere. That was very difficult having to call older relatives who either don't have a FB page or don't check it often. I was upset that family learned about his death this way, but it may be a generational thing. People in my cousin's peer group seem to post everything on social media on instinct.

I find it pretty disturbing after seeing a friend shot the first thing they think "oh l better put this on FB NOW". Yet, sadly that is the direction people are moving. Everyone grabs their phones to take pictures of tragedies. Everyone wants to be then one that has their shot or video go viral. It's sad, but I do not see it changing.

As far as deaths on FB, sure I would prefer people no put that stuff on FB, but there really isn't thing you can do to prevent it from happening. People grieve differently and for some it's posting RIP on their wall. Some people do not think. Others think "well if I know, then I'm sure VIPs know".

We live in a fast world where news travels very quickly. It really sucks for a someone like a parent (or someone they designate) to get on the phone right away to let people know of a death, but that is really want comes down to. There is just no way to control your recently deceased-loved one's 500 FB friends from posting. It's just impossible.

novella1186 · May 2015

jacques27 said:

Newspapers don't even publish names until family have been notified if the death is "newsworthy". I don't care how you "process" death - Facebook doesn't have to be part of that process. Posting that information is tacky and classless and I wouldn't be friends with someone who did that. Because someone posting that information on Facebook before funeral arrangements can even be made and put in the paper pretty much tells me that you have no respect for the deceased or their family and all you're interested in is making it about you: you having the first post, you having the inside scoop, you getting to prove how close you are and how much of a loss it is to you that you're posting publicly, you getting people to post back at you how sorry they are for YOU.

I personally, would keep it it off Facebook altogether, but I am anti-Facebook in general. However, I do recognize it's the direction our society has gone in general and even if Facebook goes away, being interconnected though some form of media is here to say. At the very minimum, nothing should have been posted anywhere unless by a parent or spouse and no one else should have posted anything anywhere until an obituary appeared in the paper.

Reading the bolded, I agree with that. Based on what her mother said, it seems like no one gave any consideration to her immediate family. There's almost something AW about the way people immediately posted photos of themselves with the girl who passed away, with a big long message about how close they were and how well they'd known her. Maybe some people wanted to "pay tribute" but I see it from the way you stated too.

paperpusher · May 2015

When my grandmother passed one of my cousins posted it on Facebook within the same hour she was gone. My dad was at the nursing home with her along with her youngest son. I was able to take my dad's call when he went to let me know.

Unfortunately my siblings were unable to be reached. My dad didn't want to leave a voicemail or text saying "grandma's dead" so he asked for a call back. Well they saw the announcement on Facebook first. They were extremely upset to find out that way.

When my FIL passed last year MIL specifically requested that it not be posted online until she had time to get arrangements taken care of. Family and close friends were called before it went online and the same request was asked that they not post it. I agree with that method - waiting until those close are notified first.

I also don't have Facebook or any other social media type accounts so I don't know what it's like firsthand.

levioosa · May 2015

I think that as long as the closest people have been notified, that is what matters. I think it's a little disrespectful to post it on FB the second it happens, but I also don't mind if someone (like a family member or spouse) posts it right away either. Sometimes FB is a great support system. And sometimes people like attention. And sometimes there are rubber necks who just like others' pain. If you, as the family member, are posting it directly, you are opening yourself up to all of the positive and negative things entailed. I do think it's a great resource for announcing funeral details though. There have been a couple times where I've gone to funerals of past classmates/friends' parents, not because I knew their parents, but just because I wanted to support them, even if we weren't super close.

But as far as someone not directly close to the decreased posting it right away? That's super disrespectful. Like, if you have to post about it, at least vaguebook it so it isn't the way a family member or good friend finds out.

ohannabelle · May 2015

novella1186 said:

jacques27 said:

Newspapers don't even publish names until family have been notified if the death is "newsworthy". I don't care how you "process" death - Facebook doesn't have to be part of that process. Posting that information is tacky and classless and I wouldn't be friends with someone who did that. Because someone posting that information on Facebook before funeral arrangements can even be made and put in the paper pretty much tells me that you have no respect for the deceased or their family and all you're interested in is making it about you: you having the first post, you having the inside scoop, you getting to prove how close you are and how much of a loss it is to you that you're posting publicly, you getting people to post back at you how sorry they are for YOU.

I personally, would keep it it off Facebook altogether, but I am anti-Facebook in general. However, I do recognize it's the direction our society has gone in general and even if Facebook goes away, being interconnected though some form of media is here to say. At the very minimum, nothing should have been posted anywhere unless by a parent or spouse and no one else should have posted anything anywhere until an obituary appeared in the paper.

.............BOXES!...............

I actually read someone their beads for doing this, last week, and I'm still pissed.
My best friend's daughter lost her baby, and Bestie texted me and another friend from the hospital. Because we were both up late waiting to hear, and we're that close.

Within 10 fucking minutes, other friend has it on facebook. "Condolences to A----- and her family for their tragic loss. Prayers for BabyB who was born a sleeping angel, etc."

I completely lost my shit. Otherfriend will probably not speak to me again.

My message to her was not diplomatic. It began with "Take this fucking post down IMMEDIATELY" and included points like, not your right to share this with the world, you don't even know if A----- wants to share this with anybody, you might stop and wonder if she's even spoken to her husband's family yet, and ended with "You are completely, 100% out of line. Where is your common sense?"

Just frikking NO.

lyndausvi · May 2015

ohannabelle said:

novella1186 said:

jacques27 said:

Newspapers don't even publish names until family have been notified if the death is "newsworthy". I don't care how you "process" death - Facebook doesn't have to be part of that process. Posting that information is tacky and classless and I wouldn't be friends with someone who did that. Because someone posting that information on Facebook before funeral arrangements can even be made and put in the paper pretty much tells me that you have no respect for the deceased or their family and all you're interested in is making it about you: you having the first post, you having the inside scoop, you getting to prove how close you are and how much of a loss it is to you that you're posting publicly, you getting people to post back at you how sorry they are for YOU.

I personally, would keep it it off Facebook altogether, but I am anti-Facebook in general. However, I do recognize it's the direction our society has gone in general and even if Facebook goes away, being interconnected though some form of media is here to say. At the very minimum, nothing should have been posted anywhere unless by a parent or spouse and no one else should have posted anything anywhere until an obituary appeared in the paper.

.............BOXES!...............

I actually read someone their beads for doing this, last week, and I'm still pissed.
My best friend's daughter lost her baby, and Bestie texted me and another friend from the hospital. Because we were both up late waiting to hear, and we're that close.

Within 10 fucking minutes, other friend has it on facebook. "Condolences to A----- and her family for their tragic loss. Prayers for BabyB who was born a sleeping angel, etc."

I completely lost my shit. Otherfriend will probably not speak to me again.

My message to her was not diplomatic. It began with "Take this fucking post down IMMEDIATELY" and included points like, not your right to share this with the world, you don't even know if A----- wants to share this with anybody, you might stop and wonder if she's even spoken to her husband's family yet, and ended with "You are completely, 100% out of line. Where is your common sense?"

Just frikking NO.

I do not think it's something we can control, but I all for calling out shitty behavior. Good for you, I would have done the same thing.

novella1186 · May 2015

scribe95 said:

Obviously it depends how quickly it is posted. Posting the info before immediate family is notified is terrible but if the info is out there I don't know how to stop it. It's really no different than when obits are in papers except for the immediacy. That is how people found out about deaths for years.

I have learned through FB - and appreciated - of deaths of former classmates. I live in another state and am not plugged into my hometown community anymore so it has been good for me at times.

Yeah, I found out about a distant friend's dad passing via facebook, but this was several days later, after family and close friends had all been notified and funeral arrangements were made. I guess what's really striking me with the instance I wrote about in the OP is that it seems that she died sometime during the night, and a friend of hers posted IMMEDIATELY. The girl's sister lives on the other side of the country in a different time zone. What if her own sister hadn't even been told yet?

It's like... at least have enough tact and respect to fucking wait a minute.

ohannabelle, good for you. I love that you called out that shitty post. How could someone not have the sense to keep that private??? If she felt the need to express condolences so badly, she could have reached out privately.

FiancB · May 2015

I've had this happen a couple times where it wasn't really announced exactly but people start posting on that person's wall like crazy and you figure it out. I think usually thought it begins with close friends and family that were notified and it spreads from there.

I don't know. I wasn't close to the person in either case, but it's still really shocking to hear about it. I don't think you can really blame people for reacting that way.

mj8215 · May 2015

I think the only acceptable way of doing this is for someone from the immediate family to post it on Facebook ... similar to a newspaper announcement. That I see nothing wrong with. It let more distant acquaintances know that the person passed, but only after immediate family has determined it appropriate. Any posts by "friends" etc before this had a chance to happen are completely inappropriate and gross, and would elicit a similar reaction from me as described above by @novella1186 and @jacques27.

Over the past few years, I did find out through Facebook about two of my classmates from pre-K/elementary school passing (both very young, one committed suicide and the other had a very aggressive form of brain cancer) and I appreciated that because I live on a different continent now and I was not close enough with them / their families so who knows when I would have found out. So its definitely useful in that way.

themosthappy91 · May 2015

One thing I'll add is I had a casual friend in college whose brother passed away very suddenly, and she actually decided that FB was the way she wanted to let people know because 1) she was obviously going to be unavailable/out of town in the coming weeks following the death and 2) she just didn't have it in her to individually deal with all the people in her life who might notice she wasn't in class/gym buddies/coffee dates that would need to be broken/all that kind of stuff and go through the "my brother's dead" speech over and over.

I think it's okay when an immediate family member does something like that, and honestly I probably would go that route too in the early days of my grief when I just couldn't stand to talk about it with casual acquaintances.

I'm interested in other stories like @ohannabelle 's -have any of y'all ever actually called out someone for causing you/someone you are close to to find out about a death in a way you wouldn't have wanted to?

Wegl13 · June 2015

Sorry this was kind of a trigger for me.... So I'm going to post my experience without being super obvious.
My moms family is very close, and small. Everyone is on Facebook in the old people way, where you sort of know how to log on and sometimes go on a photo liking spree (my grandfather does this all the time- I will suddenly get a ton of notifications where he has "liked" 100 pictures from several years ago- kind of cute). Anyways, a close member of this family died suddenly- I was in the car when his wife called my dad to tell him. Unfortunately they are all in local services (law enforcement, etc) so of course the news spread to coworkers quickly. And they started posting on his Facebook wall. And during this time.... My family is trying to figure out how to tell his elderly parents that their son has died. Obviously this is something that needs to be done in person, so it can't be immediate. So we spent an anguished couple of hours trying to get this post taken down and hoping against hope that his parents wouldn't get online, and none of our more distant relatives would see it and call to confirm.
Thankfully everything worked out as well as things can in this sort of situation. But I have never forgiven that coworker, and I completely agree that it is a super self-centered, piece of crap thing to do.
On the other hand, once a public announcement has been made by the family (obituary, church bulletin, etc), feel free to post that information to your hearts content.
ETA: themosthappy, I absolutely called that guy out over PM, begging and pleading with him to take down the post and telling him what a crappy thing he'd done. I reported the post to FB for inappropriate content. I even tried calling FB (ha) to get someone to actually take it down immediately. FTR, none of that was super helpful.

lnixon8 · June 2015

Heroin seems to be a problem everywhere but I think because it hit the "nice" town where I grew up it seems to shock everyone when someone needs to go to rehab, Od's etc. Either that or no one wants to admit that thier child/neighbor/bff suffers from addiction....

A lot of fb friends (went to school w/ my brother, cousins or myself, but not friends IRL) often post things along the line of" RIP_____________ Fly high! when will people wake up and realize drugs are not the answer!"

I feel bad for the parents/family members who are dealing with a sudden loss and then get their child's/ brother's/sister's issue put out there for all to see.

flutteringinfl · June 2015

I think it is the closest relative's right to decide what gets put on social media regarding deaths. That doesn't mean other people will agree or go along with it, but for example my friend's cousin died over the weekend, and since the cousin was a child, I think it would be entirely up to the parents to decide what gets posted on social media during this incredibly difficult time. I don't know the parents but I hope that on top of everything they're dealing with they don't have to deal with uncomfortable public statements or questions.

climbingsingle · June 2015

In the last year, I've learned about 4 deaths from Facebook. 3 suicides and one overdose. The overdose I just learned about on Friday. It was a kid I went to HS with, and they found him in a restaurant bathroom in the Bronx. It wasn't surprising. Back in 2002, my friend Dana was doing heroin with him and overdosed in his bathroom.

The only one that sort of bothered me was finding out about my cousin's son. My uncle posted on FB that he had passed. And I was honestly surprised he didn't call my dad (his brother) first. But maybe to some people, it's easier to type words into Facebook then to make all those phone calls. And I get it.

My cousin's ex-husband died a week and a half ago, and she waited 3 days before she posted anything, because she wanted to make sure most of his close friends knew. And IMO, that's the respectful way to handle it.

My husband's very good friend was killed two weeks ago today, and I found out from reading the paper online. And I called my H right away, because I knew it would be easier for him to find out from me than to read it on FB. And I'm glad I did because literally 5 minutes after we spoke, people were updating their statuses talking about his death.

So, to sum up, if it's your immediate family - it's your husband or mom, or brother, I sort of give you a pass. But if you're a friend, or distant relative, don't post anything until you know that most other people are aware.

emmaaa · June 2015

I had a good friend take his own life a couple of weeks ago. My BFF's husband is a deputy sheriff and had heard the call. He let his wife know and then she told our close group of friends. None of us posted anything on FB until the obituary was published in the paper. A friend shared it to our HS class FB group to let everyone know. And then later I posted a status about how great of a guy he was and all.

The thing was, this was suicide. Obviously it didn't tell anyone how he died in his obituary. There were a couple of people that were going around to people's FB statuses asking what happened and how he died. I kept saying, "I'd rather not say to respect the family's wishes for privacy at this time. Please just keep them in your prayers..." And honestly, some people would not let up. I eventually had to post in our HS class FB group that it was very inconsiderate stalking people's FB's and asking questions that people clearly felt uncomfotable answering.

I think you can post "announcements" about a death of someone without being inappropriate. Wait until the obituary is posted, do not include details that aren't in the obituary because they aren't your details to share, and don't condemn the reason behind the death.

novella1186 · June 2015

I found out last night that the person I was referring to in the OP committed suicide, which is extra sad and shocking to me because she has 4 very young kids (I think the youngest is around 2) and I remember her being super bubbly and happy. It's just such a sad situation.

So at the very least-- although I do think it was shitty of some of her friends to post about it IMMEDIATELY, before her own mother could even call anyone-- at least they didn't post about the cause of death (from what I saw).

STARMOON44 · June 2015

I think the people closest to someone who has died can announce that however they would like. But people beyond that immediate circle should not take the liberty of making that announcement on social media for them.

novella1186 · June 2015

emmaaa, I'm so sorry for your loss. And I definitely don't blame you for calling people out about hounding other people for the "juicy details." People need to respect other's space when they're grieving and respect the tragedy.

climbingwife, I'm sorry for your husband's loss as well. I agree with you, it's easier to hear it from a person you care about than to read it on facebook. I can't really explain why, but it just is.

Maggie0829 · June 2015

If I were to ever post about someone's death it would be once funeral arrangements have been finalized and an obituary has been posted AND the immediate family members have made a FB post. If they haven't made a post then I will not make a post because it is obvious they do not want it announced on social media. And even then I just don't see myself posting about someone's death. Honestly, most people on my FB friends list are people who I haven't seen in person in years. So I really have no urge to let people that I am only an acquaintance with know that someone close to me died. I mean, what is the point? So you can get half hearted "I'm so sorries" from people you aren't even close with or really know that well?

banana468 · June 2015

On the other side of the coin, we dealt with an issue where no one picked up the phone. My grandmother is perhaps the most wonderful person on this planet. Seriously. Woman would give you the shirt off her back, is just a great person and is a ruthless Scrabble player. About 5 years ago her brother died. His kids did not tell her!

She found out when she read the morning paper. Thankfully my mom and aunts are up before her so my mom was at the house to meet her as she read it. Because it's shitty to find out that your sibling passed away, that you buried him and you didn't tell his sister because you're assholes.

novella1186 · June 2015

banana468 said:

On the other side of the coin, we dealt with an issue where no one picked up the phone. My grandmother is perhaps the most wonderful person on this planet. Seriously. Woman would give you the shirt off her back, is just a great person and is a ruthless Scrabble player. About 5 years ago her brother died. His kids did not tell her!

She found out when she read the morning paper. Thankfully my mom and aunts are up before her so my mom was at the house to meet her as she read it. Because it's shitty to find out that your sibling passed away, that you buried him and you didn't tell his sister because you're assholes.

Wow. That is awful.

lyndausvi · June 2015

banana468 said:

On the other side of the coin, we dealt with an issue where no one picked up the phone. My grandmother is perhaps the most wonderful person on this planet. Seriously. Woman would give you the shirt off her back, is just a great person and is a ruthless Scrabble player. About 5 years ago her brother died. His kids did not tell her!

She found out when she read the morning paper. Thankfully my mom and aunts are up before her so my mom was at the house to meet her as she read it. Because it's shitty to find out that your sibling passed away, that you buried him and you didn't tell his sister because you're assholes.

That is awful.

My mom and aunts all reads the obits and death records every morning to see if anyone they knew died. Death records are public records and often just said so-n-so died on 'x' date. Obits were from the family that provided additional information. Back in the day you would see the death record before the obit.

FB works way faster then they you standard newspaper, but I think some people use it just the same.

Maggie0829 · June 2015

novella1186 said:

banana468 said:

On the other side of the coin, we dealt with an issue where no one picked up the phone. My grandmother is perhaps the most wonderful person on this planet. Seriously. Woman would give you the shirt off her back, is just a great person and is a ruthless Scrabble player. About 5 years ago her brother died. His kids did not tell her!

She found out when she read the morning paper. Thankfully my mom and aunts are up before her so my mom was at the house to meet her as she read it. Because it's shitty to find out that your sibling passed away, that you buried him and you didn't tell his sister because you're assholes.

Wow. That is awful.

I second that. Holy crap, no matter how much you may not like a family member or whatever was the case, the death of a sibling/family member is the one time where you have to put your differences aside and tell them what happened.

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