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Moms and Maids

Second Thoughts about Leaving Out a Potential 'Maid

Spoke to a childhood friend tonight. We only see each other about one a year and talk on the phone maybe quarterly (if that). At one point in time, I couldn't have imagined my wedding without her being a BM. But we've drifted as we've gotten older (now both 30), and things are different. 

When I first got engaged, I asked the bridesmaids with whom I felt closest to at that time -- three cousins, my best friend, and a good friend I know here in NJ.

But as I was talking to my childhood friend tonight, I wondered: should I have asked her? 

I don't want more than 5 BMs, and I do feel happy with my choice. I'm just wondering if she feels hurt ... or wondering why I didn't ask her.

Backstory: She was engaged six years ago and asked me to be a BM. Then she called off the wedding. She is engaged again but plans to elope because she has a 3-yo with this guy and hates weddings. So, there's that.

I am probably overthinking this, huh?

Re: Second Thoughts about Leaving Out a Potential 'Maid

  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    Spoke to a childhood friend tonight. We only see each other about one a year and talk on the phone maybe quarterly (if that). At one point in time, I couldn't have imagined my wedding without her being a BM. But we've drifted as we've gotten older (now both 30), and things are different. 

    When I first got engaged, I asked the bridesmaids with whom I felt closest to at that time -- three cousins, my best friend, and a good friend I know here in NJ.

    But as I was talking to my childhood friend tonight, I wondered: should I have asked her? 

    I don't want more than 5 BMs, and I do feel happy with my choice. I'm just wondering if she feels hurt ... or wondering why I didn't ask her.

    Backstory: She was engaged six years ago and asked me to be a BM. Then she called off the wedding. She is engaged again but plans to elope because she has a 3-yo with this guy and hates weddings. So, there's that.

    I am probably overthinking this, huh?
    When did you ask your other BMs?  You don't want this woman to feel like a second choice.

    The question is simply, could you see your self getting married without her now?  Not how you felt years ago, but now.  You should ask her if she is currently one of your closest friends.  Not because of what your relationship used to be or how you imagine she feels about it. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

    OliveOilsMom
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Spoke to a childhood friend tonight. We only see each other about one a year and talk on the phone maybe quarterly (if that). At one point in time, I couldn't have imagined my wedding without her being a BM. But we've drifted as we've gotten older (now both 30), and things are different. 

    When I first got engaged, I asked the bridesmaids with whom I felt closest to at that time -- three cousins, my best friend, and a good friend I know here in NJ.

    But as I was talking to my childhood friend tonight, I wondered: should I have asked her? 

    I don't want more than 5 BMs, and I do feel happy with my choice. I'm just wondering if she feels hurt ... or wondering why I didn't ask her.

    Backstory: She was engaged six years ago and asked me to be a BM. Then she called off the wedding. She is engaged again but plans to elope because she has a 3-yo with this guy and hates weddings. So, there's that.

    I am probably overthinking this, huh?
    When did you ask your other BMs?  You don't want this woman to feel like a second choice.

    The question is simply, could you see your self getting married without her now?  Not how you felt years ago, but now.  You should ask her if she is currently one of your closest friends.  Not because of what your relationship used to be or how you imagine she feels about it. 


    Ditto JC. 

    And to the bolded, why can't you have more than 5 BMs?  Sides don't have to be even and no one will notice anyways.  


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  • Your wedding party should include people you feel close to now, not people you felt close to years ago. Don't worry about it. Besides, asking her now will probably make her feel like an afterthought, or like you felt obligated and guilty but didn't really want her to be a bridesmaid. I don't think too many people want to feel like an obligation.

    And who says you have to get married "without her?" She can still attend your wedding as a guest. All you have to do is invite her.
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    CMGragain
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    You admit you seldom talk to this girl. That's not someone I would ask to be a bridesmaid. Doesn't mean you don't love her and aren't friends with her; it just means you aren't as close as you are with the actual bridesmaids. If I had a friend with whom I seldom talked, I would think it was weird if she asked me to be a bridesmaid. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    If this person didn't pop in your head when you first decided on who you wanted to include in your wedding party, then you made the right choice in not asking her.

    You can still invite her to the wedding and have a great time with her being a guest.  Just because you were close at one point in your lives years ago doesn't mean that she should be a BM.  Stop questioning your decision and worrying about what she may be feeling.  For all you know she may not even thought about why she wasn't asked.

  • Thanks, everyone. This was very helpful. I agree with choosing women with whom I'm close with now -- which is what I did. 
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