.

Ebrink88 · June 2015

Nope.

banana468 · June 2015

Ebrink88 said:

I have been friends with this girl for almost 15 years (middle school and on). During our (well, her) college years, she moved a few hours away for school and got into a pretty heavy scene and some bad people. I didn't talk to her the whole time. When she moved back home, things went back to the way they always had been.

When I got engaged, I asked her to be my BM. When I asked her, I laid out how much $$ would be needed on her part and that if it was a problem she needed to be honest and let me know so that I could plan accordingly and help her out (she's always talking about lack of $$, so I wanted to make sure she was ok). I wanted her in my wedding. As time went on and planning got more intense, she put up a lot of fight every step of the way. (I should mention that I had talked with my BMs about them planning the shower and having it as a surprise for me. Everyone was on board because I'm a very laid back person,gave the theme idea I had in mind, and there were 5 BMs, both moms, and my grandmother to help put things together.) During planning if everyone agreed, she disagreed completely and wouldn't back down until people gave in. A couple times she texted me at odd times (ie: 3am) to complain about something that was happening. When I would answer with suggestions of asking the party, she would say "forget it". She also complained that things were too expensive many times. We hadn't even come close to the full $$ amount I told her in the beginning (that she agreed to) and she refused any offers of help. She kept taking on more tasks, then complaining that she had too much and claiming that people were telling her to do things instead of asking. After enough of this, I stepped in to finish the details of the shower and try to play peace-keeper.

There were many things that built up, but the breaking point was when she got upset that I didn't like the shoes she wanted to wear. She sent me a picture of 2 shoe options while I was at work and in a meeting (I've worked a 9-5 for years now, she know's im not always available). All the other girls bought there shoes and I didn't want hers to clash with the others - which they did. Highlighter yellow flats vs the other 3" heel, butter yellow shoes. She got upset when I said they were pretty bright and might clash with the other shoes, but she was also upset because she already bought the shoes before I had a chance to reply. I told her I would call her after work. Later that afternoon she sent me a pretty harsh text that said how terrible I was being and that I expected all this money out of people and that maybe I should just find someone else to buy her dress and take her place. At that point, i was pretty upset, so when I calmed down I told her I would call her later. When I called her to discuss things, she argued me in circles about everything until it ended up with me yelling just to be heard over her -not something I've done, ever. At the end of the "conversation", she asked me if I even wanted her in my wedding. I told her that at that very moment I wasn't sure. She said "Fine. Find somone esle who is my size and will buy my dress". I told her that I would and said good bye. (Then called my MOH and balled my eyes out.)

This all took place about 3 weeks ago and my wedding is in just over 2 weeks now. She is asking me when I am going to meet her to pay for the dress. I haven't answered. I haven't heard from her at all in the last three weeks, despite friends telling her that if she would just reach out and talk to me it would all be fine. She claims she apologized and I won't accept. (not true at all.) Everyone says I shouldn't pay for the dress at all. BUT I already said I would (even though I said it because I was completely overwhelmed and unnerved by the way things were on the phone).... Problem is that I am broke from paying for all the wedding things and I honestly do not have the money right now.

I don't know what to do. Should I tell her to return it or sell it online? Or tell her it will just have to wait until after the wedding.

(Also, I found out that she just went on a trip and bought a really expensive camera...... Not that it is any of my business... just another punch in the gut.)

------PRETEND I'M A BOX-----

Oh dear. Well this is quite a pickle. And I'm afraid you're to blame for a lot of it.

1) People who tell others what kind of theme they want for a party thrown in their honor aren't low maintenance.
2) You should never tell others how much to be spending.
3) If you're going to start arguing over the shade of yellow so that you need to pick out a PMS book and argue about whether or not it's yellow 115 or 101C, you should have picked up the tab for the shoes in the first place. Better yet - you're already over-dictating when you think that a shade of yellow is going to matter. How uninteresting is your wedding and how uninteresting are your BMs that clashing feet is actually a worry here??
4) Your BM has a right to be upset that she's being told how to spend her money.
5) You handled things poorly and if you kick someone out of your wedding understand that it's a friendship ending move AND that you owe the person for the dress. (only exception to this rule is if the offending BM has slept with your FI).

You need to pick up the phone and apologize for being so demanding. And you need to pay her for the dress.

mikenberger · June 2015

With friends like you, who needs enemies?

APOLOGIZE to your "friend" and pay her for her dress. You're absolutely 100% in the wrong here.

And shoes? Really? You're fucking arguing over SHOES? Highlighter yellow versus butter colored heels? You've got to be kidding me. She was right to drop out. You're being a shitty friend. Nobody will give two shits or a fuck what the bridesmaids shoes look like.

Maggie0829 · June 2015

Ebrink88 said:

I have been friends with this girl for almost 15 years (middle school and on). During our (well, her) college years, she moved a few hours away for school and got into a pretty heavy scene and some bad people. I didn't talk to her the whole time. When she moved back home, things went back to the way they always had been.

When I got engaged, I asked her to be my BM. When I asked her, I laid out how much $$ would be needed on her part and that if it was a problem she needed to be honest and let me know so that I could plan accordingly and help her out You don't tell people how much to spend. Instead you should have ASKED her her budget. And what in the world did you tell her that she had to spend money on? The only thing she would need to buy is the dress.(she's always talking about lack of $$, so I wanted to make sure she was ok). I wanted her in my wedding. As time went on and planning got more intense, she put up a lot of fight every step of the way. (I should mention that I had talked with my BMs about them planning the shower and having it as a surprise for me. WTF?! You don't tell people to plan a party for you. And how the hell was it supposed to be a surprise after you told them to throw you one?!Everyone was on board because I'm a very laid back person I highly doubt this,gave the theme idea I had in mind no, not your call, and there were 5 BMs, both moms, and my grandmother to help put things together.) During planning if everyone agreed, she disagreed completely and wouldn't back down until people gave in. A couple times she texted me at odd times (ie: 3am) to complain about something that was happening. When I would answer with suggestions of asking the party, she would say "forget it". She also complained that things were too expensive many times. We hadn't even come close to the full $$ amount I told her in the beginning Again you don't tell people how to spend their money. No wonder she was pissy.(that she agreed to) and she refused any offers of help. She kept taking on more tasks, then complaining that she had too much and claiming that people were telling her to do things well you were instead of asking. After enough of this, I stepped in to finish the details of the shower Again, WTF?! This is not the definition of someone who is "laid back." and try to play peace-keeper.

There were many things that built up, but the breaking point was when she got upset that I didn't like the shoes she wanted to wear Why are you controlling the kind of shoes she is wearing? And if you feel it necessary to control such a silly thing then YOU should be footing the bill. She sent me a picture of 2 shoe options while I was at work and in a meeting (I've worked a 9-5 for years now, she know's im not always available). All the other girls bought there shoes and I didn't want hers to clash with the others Heaven forbid! Your entire wedding would be just ruined!- which they did. Highlighter yellow flats vs the other 3" heel, butter yellow shoes. She got upset when I said they were pretty bright and might clash with the other shoes Yeah I would be pissed to if you wanted me to spend money on yellow shoes that I would probably never wear again and then bitch that they will clash with the others, but she was also upset because she already bought the shoes before I had a chance to reply. I told her I would call her after work. Later that afternoon she sent me a pretty harsh text that said how terrible I was being and that I expected all this money out of people and that maybe I should just find someone else to buy her dress and take her place She has a very good point. At that point, i was pretty upset, so when I calmed down I told her I would call her later. When I called her to discuss things, she argued me in circles about everything until it ended up with me yelling just to be heard over her -not something I've done, ever. At the end of the "conversation", she asked me if I even wanted her in my wedding. I told her that at that very moment I wasn't sure. She said "Fine. Find somone esle who is my size and will buy my dress". I told her that I would and said good bye. (Then called my MOH and balled my eyes out.)

This all took place about 3 weeks ago and my wedding is in just over 2 weeks now. She is asking me when I am going to meet her to pay for the dress. I haven't answered. I haven't heard from her at all in the last three weeks, despite friends telling her that if she would just reach out and talk to me it would all be fine. She claims she apologized and I won't accept. (not true at all.) Everyone says I shouldn't pay for the dress at all. BUT I already said I would (even though I said it because I was completely overwhelmed and unnerved by the way things were on the phone).... Problem is that I am broke from paying for all the wedding things and I honestly do not have the money right now Think about how she felt when she felt pressured into saying yes to spending money she didn't have. She probably didn't want to hurt your feelings by saying to being a BM because of the money issue. People tend to be a bit embarrassed if they can't afford things so they say yes to things when really they shouldn't. You weren't considerate of her at all. You basically said you either need to spend $X or you can't be in my wedding. Not cool.

I don't know what to do Pay her for her dress. Should I tell her to return it or sell it online? Or tell her it will just have to wait until after the wedding Pay her now. Get rid of your favors and use the money you save from that to pay for her dress.

(Also, I found out that she just went on a trip and bought a really expensive camera...... Not that it is any of my business... just another punch in the gut.) Exactly, none of your business. You have no idea how much she spent on that camera or if the money she used was a gift. So stop judging what she does with her own money. She can spend however she wants.

Please tell me you are joking with all of this. See my comments in your post.

lyndausvi · June 2015

She deserves the money back for the dress AND pain and suffering you have caused.

Jen4948 · June 2015

Instead of telling her how much you expected her to spend on her outfit, you should have asked her privately for her budget and fit all the costs into that budget. And if you wanted her to wear specific shoes, you should have paid for them.

And it's none of your business how people spend their own money.

Also: you were not entitled to expect her or anyone else to throw any showers or parties for you. Whether or not you have any parties depends on whether someone else, not you, volunteers to host them. It's rude to host parties in one's own honor or to ask or expect others to do so-even for brides.

So yeah, she's right. You expected too much from her and really crossed the reasonableness line. So pay her for the dress and apologize to her.

KatWAG · June 2015

People who say they are "very laid back" are generally the biggest drama llamas.

charcoalandblush · June 2015

Ebrink88 said:

I have been friends with this girl for almost 15 years (middle school and on). During our (well, her) college years, she moved a few hours away for school and got into a pretty heavy scene and some bad people. I didn't talk to her the whole time. When she moved back home, things went back to the way they always had been.

When I got engaged, I asked her to be my BM. When I asked her, I laid out how much $$ would be needed on her part and that if it was a problem she needed to be honest and let me know so that I could plan accordingly and help her out (she's always talking about lack of $$, so I wanted to make sure she was ok). I wanted her in my wedding. You should have asked her what her budget was for the dress. That is the only expense related to being a bridesmaid, and that is dictated by the bridesmaids, not by the bride. As time went on and planning got more intense, she put up a lot of fight every step of the way. (I should mention that I had talked with my BMs about them planning the shower and having it as a surprise for me. A shower is a gift that is offered to you - it's not something you can demand of your bridesmaids. Particularly a surprise hower. Everyone was on board because I'm a very laid back person,
I kind of get the feeling from your post that you're not... gave the theme idea I had in mind, and there were 5 BMs, both moms, and my grandmother to help put things together.) During planning if everyone agreed, she disagreed completely and wouldn't back down until people gave in.What are your bridesmaids "planning"? If it's the wedding, they shouldn't have to help you plan - that is your job with your DF. Maybe your families, if they're contributing and want a say. If you're talking about the shower, you cannot plan your own shower. A couple times she texted me at odd times (ie: 3am) to complain about something that was happening. When I would answer with suggestions of asking the party, she would say "forget it". She also complained that things were too expensive many times. This is because you didn't ask for her budget. Also, she shouldn't be paying for "things" other than her dress. We hadn't even come close to the full $$ amount I told her in the beginning (that she agreed to) and she refused any offers of help. She kept taking on more tasks, then complaining that she had too much and claiming that people were telling her to do things instead of asking. Were you? After enough of this, I stepped in to finish the details of the shower and try to play peace-keeper.

There were many things that built up, but the breaking point was when she got upset that I didn't like the shoes she wanted to wear. She sent me a picture of 2 shoe options while I was at work and in a meeting (I've worked a 9-5 for years now, she know's im not always available). All the other girls bought there their shoes and I didn't want hers to clash with the others - which they did. Highlighter yellow flats vs the other 3" heel, butter yellow shoes. She got upset when I said they were pretty bright and might clash with the other shoes, but she was also upset because she already bought the shoes before I had a chance to reply. I told her I would call her after work. Who cares? It's your wedding... everyone will be looking at the bride and the groom. Your guests will give zero fucks whether your bridesmaids shoes match perfectly. They won't even be in 90% of your photos. Later that afternoon she sent me a pretty harsh text that said how terrible I was being and that I expected all this money out of people and that maybe I should just find someone else to buy her dress and take her place. Even if she does drop out (if I were her, I would), you do not replace wedding party members. Your wedding party is your nearest and dearest, they're not just props. At that point, i was pretty upset, so when I calmed down I told her I would call her later. When I called her to discuss things, she argued me in circles about everything until it ended up with me yelling just to be heard over her -not something I've done, ever. At the end of the "conversation", she asked me if I even wanted her in my wedding. I told her that at that very moment I wasn't sure. She said "Fine. Find somone esle who is my size and will buy my dress". I told her that I would and said good bye. (Then called my MOH and balled bawled my eyes out.)

This all took place about 3 weeks ago and my wedding is in just over 2 weeks now. She is asking me when I am going to meet her to pay for the dress. I haven't answered. I haven't heard from her at all in the last three weeks, despite friends telling her that if she would just reach out and talk to me it would all be fine. She claims she apologized and I won't accept. (not true at all.) Everyone says I shouldn't pay for the dress at all. BUT I already said I would (even though I said it because I was completely overwhelmed and unnerved by the way things were on the phone).... Problem is that I am broke from paying for all the wedding things and I honestly do not have the money right now.

I don't know what to do. Should I tell her to return it or sell it online? Or tell her it will just have to wait until after the wedding.

(Also, I found out that she just went on a trip and bought a really expensive camera...... Not that it is any of my business... You are right. Absolutely none of your business. just another punch in the gut.)

My opinion? You need to apologize profusely for your behavior towards her and pay for her dress.

ETA boxes

lyndausvi · June 2015

KatWAG said:

People who say they are "very laid back" are generally the biggest drama llamas.

Well I think I'm laid-back.

I did pick out the girls dresses, because they asked me too. Then of my BM's announced she was pregnant. Well okay, plan B. I asked her to pick out a dress of the same color as the others. Not even the same designer, just the same color. I didn't see her dress until the day of the wedding. True story. I never even saw a picture of the dress. I only knew it was the same color from the same designer as the other ones. Using the same designer was her choice.

Other than that I didn't care about their hair, nails, jewelry, shoes none of that stuff. They kept asking and I kept saying "I do not care." Because, well I didn't. I'm a busy person. Why should I create my own stress by trying to figure out what 4 adult women of different ages and sizes would all like? Fuck that. They all have good taste. I've seen them dress themselves. I trusted their choice.

I didn't ask for a shower or even suggest a theme. Although 2 of the 4 [adult] BMs still threw me one.

Now OP, I'm what most people would consider laid-back. Your post screams the exact opposite.

jacques27 · June 2015

KatWAG said:

People who say they are "very laid back" are generally the biggest drama llamas.

QFT.

If you have to tell people you are that thing (you're "very laid back" or you're "very nice" or you're "very generous"), you are not. that. thing.

ETA: I'm secretly hoping this is MUD because I'm choosing to believe no one can have this little insight into how not laid back and how very controlling they are.

MyNameIsNot · June 2015

Wow. Go back and read everything you wrote. I'm sure you'll be just as appalled at your behavior as everyone else is. Why on earth have you been treating this girl this way?

Obviously you need to pay her for the dress and for any other money she's spent. You also need to start apologizing and figuring out what you can do to save this friendship.

thisismynickname2 · June 2015

At first I was thinking, lost a bridesmaid? Like, is she stuck under the bed?

But now I'm like:

Planning your own surprise party and demanding butter yellow shoes is totally not "laid back."

Ebrink88 · June 2015

mikenberger · June 2015

If you're going to reply at least own up to your words and not delete it. Nobody else is deleting their comments.

novella1186 · June 2015

You essentially ended a friendship over a pair of shoes. So tell me. Was matching shoes more important to you than that person in the grand scheme of things?

TrixieJess · June 2015

I hate to be the one to tell you, but deleting your original comments won't do anything since you've been quoted.

Hopefully you still have friends after your wedding because most Brides who pull this shit don't.

sarawifenow · June 2015

Bridezilla party of one?

southernbelle0915 · June 2015

So cliff notes... you're super laid back, but:

-you told your BMs to plan a surprise shower for you (theme and all),

-planned some of the shower yourself,

-informed them how much money they should spend in order to be part of your super special day,

-asked them to buy some random shoes they'll probably never wear again

-kicked her out of your wedding,

-"balled your eyes out"

Yup, sounds pretty laid back to me!

Anyway, you need to pay for her dress because you kicked her out of your wedding. You should also pay for her shoes. She wouldn't have bought them if it weren't for your wedding. It's your problem to come up with the money - don't make it her's. How much was this dress? I ask because you say you don't have the money to pay her back, so I'm picturing a really expensive dress.

TrixieJess · June 2015

banana468 · June 2015

Well, this is going to get a lot more attention now.

thisismynickname2 · June 2015

Um, also, one of my biggest pet peeves is saying "balled." It's BAWLED. Or bawling. You ball up socks.

Ebrink88 · June 2015

TrixieJess · June 2015

Ebrink88 said:

WTF! Don't delete everything, it's not going to help your case.

randomslove · June 2015

I had a friend like the OP once upon a time. I helped her with her wedding, even put the down payment on her dress. Only to have her ask me to step down and give the dress and shoes to someone else. I guess getting her to come clean to her FI about cheating before the wedding so they could have premarital counsel and both know what they were getting into made me a "bad friend." I feel pretty good about what I did (she ended up going to AA and they went to couples therapy) because it was the right move for a friend to make. I also feel even better not have her in my life, since overall she was a shitty friend.

jacques27 · June 2015

thisismynickname said:

Um, also, one of my biggest pet peeves is saying "balled." It's BAWLED. Or bawling. You ball up socks.

I just assumed it was like a really dramatic overreaction that involved a melon-baller and her getting fitted for glass eyes.

hellohkb · June 2015

jacques27 said:

thisismynickname said:

Um, also, one of my biggest pet peeves is saying "balled." It's BAWLED. Or bawling. You ball up socks.

I just assumed it was like a really dramatic overreaction that involved a melon-baller and her getting fitted for glass eyes.

Oh man this reply made my stomach turn, lol

VulgarGirl · June 2015

Ebrink88 said:

Nope.

Yep.

OliveOilsMom · June 2015

Anyone else find it funny that OP changed her post to "Nope.", when PP weren't agreeing with her, but OP seemed mad when her BM would reply with "Forget It" when OP wouldn't agree with BM.

CMGragain · June 2015

Yellow shoes? Seriously? I can't believe that this is important to someone. I couldn't possibly wear 3" heels. no matter what color they are.
Nowhere in the OP's text do I see any compassion or empathy for her "friend". It sounds to me like the bridesmaid made the right decision.

levioosa · June 2015

Your BM dodged a bullet. And by bullet, I mean you, OP.

downtondiva · June 2015

I can't imagine letting a friendship fall apart over shoes.

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