Wedding Etiquette Forum

MOH Becoming Insecure and Hinting at Dropping Out of Wedding

Hi All,

I knew from the beginning that my MOH was going to be a bit unavailable because even though she lives in the same state, she's still far away.  In addition, she has a 4 y/o son and a baby on the way (she'll be 6 months at my wedding).  Her husband works a lot and so she's usually on her own.  She has already bought her bridesmaids dress, shoes, paid for her makeup and bought a suit for her son since he will be our ring bearer.  She has tried her best to be a part of much of the festivities but there are times where she can't do much because of her situation, which I totally understand.  I told her that I would be happy with just a speech and she was happy to do that.  But because of the situation, she has not become as close to the other bridesmaids as they have become with each other.  I have other bridesmaids who are great planners and have doing most of the pre-wedding activity organizing.

MOH just found out that her husband cannot take off the weekend of the bachelorette party and so she will not be able to make it.  She told me and even though I was a little dissappointed, I understood.  However, I guess she had mentioned it to someone else in the group and they may have said something to her that she found offensive.  She called me up and started crying, saying that I don't deserve an MOH like her and that no one else understands her situation.  I tried to reassure her that I love her and that I chose her to be MOH for that reason, not because of convenience.  If I get asked questions, I usually just tell other people that she has a lot going on right now and that I'm okay with her current amount of involvement in my wedding.  But usually, any question I have been asked about her didn't seem judgmental or condescending.

She felt like she was being judged by everyone else in the group and said that it's up to me if I should "fire" her.  Quite frankly, I don't want to because of what she means to me so I asked her if that is what she wants to do.  She said that she just doesn't want to be judged, that no one understands her situation and she is at a different place in her life.  I don't believe that any of the other bridesmaids judged her so severely that she would cry the way she did because I know how everyone else is too.

I'm not sure what to do.  Is there a way I can approach the other girls and see what's going on?  I don't want to fan any fires or seem accusatory.  Should I tell her that she's better off as a guest, even though that's not what I want and she hasn't really said that she wants to either?  

I have enough to worry about right now as it is and really don't want to worry that much about this.  Any advice is appreciated.

Thanks.

Re: MOH Becoming Insecure and Hinting at Dropping Out of Wedding

  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Hi All,

    I knew from the beginning that my MOH was going to be a bit unavailable because even though she lives in the same state, she's still far away.  In addition, she has a 4 y/o son and a baby on the way (she'll be 6 months at my wedding).  Her husband works a lot and so she's usually on her own.  She has already bought her bridesmaids dress, shoes, paid for her makeup and bought a suit for her son since he will be our ring bearer.  She has tried her best to be a part of much of the festivities but there are times where she can't do much because of her situation, which I totally understand.  I told her that I would be happy with just a speech and she was happy to do that.  But because of the situation, she has not become as close to the other bridesmaids as they have become with each other.  I have other bridesmaids who are great planners and have doing most of the pre-wedding activity organizing.

    MOH just found out that her husband cannot take off the weekend of the bachelorette party and so she will not be able to make it.  She told me and even though I was a little dissappointed, I understood.  However, I guess she had mentioned it to someone else in the group and they may have said something to her that she found offensive.  She called me up and started crying, saying that I don't deserve an MOH like her and that no one else understands her situation.  I tried to reassure her that I love her and that I chose her to be MOH for that reason, not because of convenience.  If I get asked questions, I usually just tell other people that she has a lot going on right now and that I'm okay with her current amount of involvement in my wedding.  But usually, any question I have been asked about her didn't seem judgmental or condescending.

    She felt like she was being judged by everyone else in the group and said that it's up to me if I should "fire" her.  Quite frankly, I don't want to because of what she means to me so I asked her if that is what she wants to do.  She said that she just doesn't want to be judged, that no one understands her situation and she is at a different place in her life.  I don't believe that any of the other bridesmaids judged her so severely that she would cry the way she did because I know how everyone else is too.

    I'm not sure what to do.  Is there a way I can approach the other girls and see what's going on?  I don't want to fan any fires or seem accusatory.  Should I tell her that she's better off as a guest, even though that's not what I want and she hasn't really said that she wants to either?  

    I have enough to worry about right now as it is and really don't want to worry that much about this.  Any advice is appreciated.

    Thanks.
    JIC
    ________________________________


  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Reassure your friend you care about her and want her to be your MOH. Don't approach the other girls about this because presumably everyone's an adult and needs to act like one. 

    Rise above. It's nice you have friends planning prewedding events, but certainly nothing is mandatory. She is not a bad MOH! 
    ________________________________


    SP29momofbride530
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Your friend has done more than what is necessary already. It's great that some of your BMs have decided to help you with planning, but that was voluntary on their part.

    Reassure your friend that she has done more than enough, and that the reason she is your MOH is because she is your closest friend, not because of some silly list of duties or expectations. Tell her to ignore any BMs that say anything otherwise. 

    If the BMs do ask you anything about MOH, tell them that you're thrilled she can stand up with you and change the subject. If you hear any of them say anything bad about her, jump in and correct them. Otherwise, stay out of it. 
    SP29anjemonmomofbride530mollybarker11
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    I'd tell your friend that you were sincere about asking her to be your MOH, regardless of where she lives, and that her only "duties" are just to get the dress, show up on time, sober, and in good spirits, and to go up the aisle and back down it.  Certainly she doesn't have to do anything else.

    As for what anyone else said to her, I'd stay out of it.  Your friend may have misunderstood something that was said to her without malice.  And should any of your other bridesmaids complain to you about your friend, remind them that their only "duties" are just to get the dress, show up on time, sober, and in good spirits, and to go up the aisle and back down it.  Anything beyond that is nice on their parts but not mandatory on anyone's.

    SP29[Deleted User]
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    "I'm OK with her current amount of involvement". This statement is the crux of the problem. There is no gauge in which to measure any amount of involvement. You asked her to be your MOH because of your friendship, and NOT (I hope) the amount of expected involvement. Reassure her of this. It is NOT the place of your other BM's to make any comment of what your MOH does or does not do. If you are asked any other questions by your BM's, make it clear that what MOH does or does not do is between the pair of you, and not them.
  • Whether one of the other bridesmaids said something or not, your friend is clearly in need of some reassurance. Talk to her again and make it clear that you asked her to be your MOH because you love her and want her at your side at this important moment in your life, not because you expect her to plan pre-wedding parties or anything like that. She needs to stop worrying what other people in your BP think, because this about her friendship with you, not anything having to do with them.

    As PP's have said, don't get involved with figuring out who might have said what to your MOH. It isn't worth your time, and what they think doesn't really matter in the end anyway. 
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  • Taking this any further IS fanning the fire.

    Just tell her you want her to be your MOH and you expect nothing out of her except for her to show up the day of.

    If any of your BMs make side comments about her absence or lack of "BM duties", stand up for her and tell them to stop talking junk.
    *********************************************************************************

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    [Deleted User]
  • Taking this any further IS fanning the fire. Just tell her you want her to be your MOH and you expect nothing out of her except for her to show up the day of. If any of your BMs make side comments about her absence or lack of "BM duties", stand up for her and tell them to stop talking junk.
    This. If your other bridesmaids really have been saying anything nasty to her, they need to STFU.
    image
  • Taking this any further IS fanning the fire. Just tell her you want her to be your MOH and you expect nothing out of her except for her to show up the day of. If any of your BMs make side comments about her absence or lack of "BM duties", stand up for her and tell them to stop talking junk.
    This. If your other bridesmaids really have been saying anything nasty to her, they need to STFU.

    Absolutely.  Call her up and tell her how much you love her and how you can't wait for her to stand by your side on the day of the wedding, everything else is just extra.  If the BMs are snarking about this then they need to get over it.
  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    MOH doesn't need to do anything besides show up in a dress and stand beside you.  It sounds like she is being supportive of you, as much as she is able.  If you want her as MOH and she's not refusing to do it, then have her as your MOH. I wouldn't confront the other BM's to see if they are saying anything, but if you do find out they are, then tell them that MOH is doing a great job and they can shut up. I had two MOH's, both lived 2,000 miles away from me (and different states from each other too).  I didn't have a bachelorette party (I didn't particularly want one and getting all of us together just wasn't feasible).  I didn't need them to help with invites or anything like that.  They bought dresses and supported me on my wedding day... that's all they were required to do.  And I was super thankful to have my girls by my side that day.  

    image 

    [Deleted User]
  • MOH doesn't need to do anything besides show up in a dress and stand beside you.  It sounds like she is being supportive of you, as much as she is able.  If you want her as MOH and she's not refusing to do it, then have her as your MOH. I wouldn't confront the other BM's to see if they are saying anything, but if you do find out they are, then tell them that MOH is doing a great job and they can shut up. I had two MOH's, both lived 2,000 miles away from me (and different states from each other too).  I didn't have a bachelorette party (I didn't particularly want one and getting all of us together just wasn't feasible).  I didn't need them to help with invites or anything like that.  They bought dresses and supported me on my wedding day... that's all they were required to do.  And I was super thankful to have my girls by my side that day.  
    My MOH is in grad school in Australia, and she won't be getting in to town for the wedding until a few days before. I don't/didn't expect anything more from her than being here in time for the ceremony, and in fact, I'm just glad she will be here for a couple of days before the wedding so we can hang out!
    BabyFruit Ticker
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