Hello! An etiquette question

Knottie1433279058 · June 2015

Hello ladies! I got engaged in May and am getting married in November...we have been together for a year and are very happy, so why wait?

Anyway, he has one brother who is married. His wife is my age, with a daughter. I thought we could have a bond as sisters because I don't have siblings. Well, she was a bridesmaid and I'm starting to get very annoyed.

I'm clearly very excited about the wedding and have been very busy with it. My future MIL doesn't really like her, but she loves me so she's a great help. Anyway, My future SIL had a party for her daughter's 6th birthday which I didn't attend. I fibbed and said I had to work, but I was hungover and she found out. She got upset and has kept a distance from me. I text her wedding updates and countdown everyday to which she never responds. I sent her messages on Facebook letting her know about my registry, shower and bachelorette party and nothing. I had my fiance reach out to her husband and he said, " She's really got a lot going on...and it's a two way street."

ARE YOU SERIOUS?????

I asked her to be in my wedding! How is that not caring about her or her family? I'm about ready to ask her NOT to be in it...

My questions are: What would you do? And if I ask her to leave the bridal party, How soon should I do it? Should I still include her in my Bachelorette and shower?

Thanks!

DarthV8r · June 2015

Do not ask her step down as a bridesmaid. You will be family soon and this will put a permanent rift in your relationship. Just chill out and don't ask her to do anything for the wedding. All she has to do is stand up there with you everything else is extra and not needed.

southernbelle0915 · June 2015

Hahah you "text her wedding updates everyday and she doesn't respond"? No kidding?

southernbelle0915 · June 2015

Knottie1433279058 said:
Hello ladies! I got engaged in May and am getting married in November...we have been together for a year and are very happy, so why wait?

Anyway, he has one brother who is married. His wife is my age, with a daughter. I thought we could have a bond as sisters because I don't have siblings. Well, she was a bridesmaid and I'm starting to get very annoyed.

I'm clearly very excited about the wedding and have been very busy with it. My future MIL doesn't really like her, but she loves me so she's a great help. Anyway, My future SIL had a party for her daughter's 6th birthday which I didn't attend. I fibbed and said I had to work, but I was hungover and she found out. She got upset and has kept a distance from me. I text her wedding updates and countdown everyday to which she never responds. I sent her messages on Facebook letting her know about my registry, shower and bachelorette party and nothing. I had my fiance reach out to her husband and he said, " She's really got a lot going on...and it's a two way street."

ARE YOU SERIOUS?????

I asked her to be in my wedding! How is that not caring about her or her family? I'm about ready to ask her NOT to be in it...

My questions are: What would you do? And if I ask her to leave the bridal party, How soon should I do it? Should I still include her in my Bachelorette and shower?

Thanks!

Jic

MizLiz3 · June 2015

Knottie1433279058 said:

Hello ladies! I got engaged in May and am getting married in November...we have been together for a year and are very happy, so why wait?

Anyway, he has one brother who is married. His wife is my age, with a daughter. I thought we could have a bond as sisters because I don't have siblings. Well, she was a bridesmaid and I'm starting to get very annoyed.

I'm clearly very excited about the wedding and have been very busy with it. My future MIL doesn't really like her, but she loves me so she's a great help. Anyway, My future SIL had a party for her daughter's 6th birthday which I didn't attend. I fibbed and said I had to work, but I was hungover and she found out. She got upset and has kept a distance from me. I text her wedding updates and countdown everyday to which she never responds. I sent her messages on Facebook letting her know about my registry, shower and bachelorette party and nothing. I had my fiance reach out to her husband and he said, " She's really got a lot going on...and it's a two way street."

ARE YOU SERIOUS?????

I asked her to be in my wedding! How is that not caring about her or her family? I'm about ready to ask her NOT to be in it...

My questions are: What would you do? And if I ask her to leave the bridal party, How soon should I do it? Should I still include her in my Bachelorette and shower?

Thanks!

BOX

No one will care about your wedding as much as you do. And to the bolded, this would drive me crazy, even if it was about my own wedding. I sure don't need to hear about it for someone else's wedding.

Cookie Pusher · June 2015

Take a deep breath. I'm going to let you in on a (not so secret) secret: No one will care as much about your wedding as you do. Yes, it's a very special time for you and your FI, but no one else is obligated to put their lives on hold, do things for you, or even get excited.

As for advice on what to do? Stop with the texts and Facebook updates. Again, this is a special time for you and your FI, but your FSIL clearly doesn't want to be told every single day about it. Quite frankly, most people would be annoyed by daily updates. Removing her from your bridal party will not only sever any relationship you have with this woman, but will adversely affect the relationships you and your FI have with the rest of the family. Is that really worth it to you?

lachattefatale · June 2015

Did you apologize for the hangover thing? I am not against white lies to smooth things over, but having been caught in it, an apology might go a long way. Un-bridesmaid-ing her, on the other hand, will make things even worse for a long, long time.

lyndausvi · June 2015

You lied to your SIL and didn't go to your future-niece's birthday party because you were hungover. Yet, you send updates everyday on what is going on in your life and wonder why she is being cold?

Bless your heart.

I didn't even give my own husband daily wedding updates or a count down. Not sure why you need to do that for your BM.

Knottie1433279058 · June 2015

I'm just irritated because she's supposed to care about my wedding. I feel like all she cares about is her work and family and nothing else. Also, my friend just got engaged last night and my girlfriends want to 'kill two birds with one stone' and take us both out for events...I just want some solo attention for MY even.

I thought my FSIL would understand but I guess not.

southernbelle0915 · June 2015

Knottie1433279058 said:
I'm just irritated because she's supposed to care about my wedding. I feel like all she cares about is her work and family and nothing else. Also, my friend just got engaged last night and my girlfriends want to 'kill two birds with one stone' and take us both out for events...I just want some solo attention for MY even.

I thought my FSIL would understand but I guess not.

Do you think your wedding should be right up there with her job and family?

lyndausvi · June 2015

Knottie1433279058 said:

I'm just irritated because she's supposed to care about my wedding. I feel like all she cares about is her work and family and nothing else. Also, my friend just got engaged last night and my girlfriends want to 'kill two birds with one stone' and take us both out for events...I just want some solo attention for MY even.

I thought my FSIL would understand but I guess not.

and when you have a kid I would hope you would care more about them then your friend or family's wedding.

My sister has 3 kids and was my MOH. I never gave her daily updates. We would go weeks without talking about the wedding. We did speak daily about everyday life. She told me about her and the kids. I talked about my day. You know, like friends or close family do.

I get your are excited, but weddings are not the be-all-end-all. Call her to ask how she is doing. How the kids are doing. Stop bugging her about your wedding.

AuroraRose41 · June 2015

Honestly, I agree with her husband. I see nothing in your post saying that you text/call/message her to ask how she is doing and what is going on in her life and talk about things other than your wedding. Friendship is a two way street and this seems very one sided to me from what you posted.

I also agree about apologizing to her. You text/message her all about you, but then skip something important to her because you had too much to drink the night before, yet expect her to still be excited about you and your important event. Let's turn this around for a minute: How would you feel if she never asked you how things were going in your life, messaged you constantly about her daughter's party (something important to her), and then she bailed on you and lied about the reason for your wedding?

ohannabelle · June 2015

Knottie1433279058 said:

I'm just irritated because she's supposed to care about my wedding. I feel like all she cares about is her work and family and nothing else. Also, my friend just got engaged last night and my girlfriends want to 'kill two birds with one stone' and take us both out for events...I just want some solo attention for MY even.

I thought my FSIL would understand but I guess not.

I believe all of this, because I am a fool.

arrrghmatey · June 2015

Knottie1433279058 said:

I'm just irritated because she's supposed to care about my wedding. I feel like all she cares about is her work and family and nothing else. Also, my friend just got engaged last night and my girlfriends want to 'kill two birds with one stone' and take us both out for events...I just want some solo attention for MY even.

I thought my FSIL would understand but I guess not.

Oh please STOP.

You really don't think she should care more about your wedding than her job and her own family, do you? Because if you do, then you need a reality check, snowflake.

You really should apologize to her for lying about missing her daughter's birthday, if you haven't already. You didn't have to go, but you shouldn't have lied about it. I'd be upset with my FSIL if that happened to me.

All the has to do is buy the bridesmaid dress (within he budget) and show up (sober) on your wedding day. Other than that, leave her alone. She doesn't care about your wedding the way you think she should, nor does she have to.

Does anyone have the tantrum .gif of the kid flailing on the ground handy?

Knottie1433279058 · June 2015

It's just that weddings are once in a lifetime. And I don't have a sister. I wanted to have a sister bond with her.

I understand that I'm not the only one getting married, but I feel that, since I'm the one in the family getting married, it should be my time to shine...I've been waiting my whole life for this and I just want to share my joy.

I don't think she should care more about my wedding at all, but not coming to the bachelorette because her daughter has a dance class and she doesn't drink? She could be DD! it's a fun night out! Lighten up!

MIL and I agree that she's not being very festive about it, but I guess that's just her. I'm still anoyed.

lachattefatale · June 2015

Knottie1433279058 said:

It's just that weddings are once in a lifetime. And I don't have a sister. I wanted to have a sister bond with her.

I understand that I'm not the only one getting married, but I feel that, since I'm the one in the family getting married, it should be my time to shine...I've been waiting my whole life for this and I just want to share my joy.

I don't think she should care more about my wedding at all, but not coming to the bachelorette because her daughter has a dance class and she doesn't drink? She could be DD! it's a fun night out! Lighten up!

MIL and I agree that she's not being very festive about it, but I guess that's just her. I'm still anoyed.

Hanging out with drunk people when you're not drinking is not fun. Remember how you said you had to work when really you were just hung over?

ETA: It's sounding more and more like the problem here is a difference in age, maturity, and priorities. You can have a good, close relationship with her (if you apologize for the hangover thing and pay fair attention to what's important to HER), but your relationship will not be the same as your relationship with your drinking buddies.

AuroraRose41 · June 2015

Knottie1433279058 said:

It's just that weddings are once in a lifetime. And I don't have a sister. I wanted to have a sister bond with her.

I understand that I'm not the only one getting married, but I feel that, since I'm the one in the family getting married, it should be my time to shine...I've been waiting my whole life for this and I just want to share my joy.

I don't think she should care more about my wedding at all, but not coming to the bachelorette because her daughter has a dance class and she doesn't drink? She could be DD! it's a fun night out! Lighten up!

MIL and I agree that she's not being very festive about it, but I guess that's just her. I'm still anoyed.

BOXES

Listen, you won't have a sister bond with her if all you talk about is your wedding. That isn't the way to get closer to her. The way to get closer to her is to actually talk to her, not at her. Ask her about herself and figure out things you have in common. That's how you get close to people.

And pro-tip: once you are close to people in this way, many times they will get excited for you, because you have been a good friend to them and they are happy for their friend.

arrrghmatey · June 2015

Knottie1433279058 said:

It's just that weddings are once in a lifetime. And I don't have a sister. I wanted to have a sister bond with her.

I understand that I'm not the only one getting married, but I feel that, since I'm the one in the family getting married, it should be my time to shine...I've been waiting my whole life for this and I just want to share my joy.

I don't think she should care more about my wedding at all, but not coming to the bachelorette because her daughter has a dance class and she doesn't drink? She could be DD! it's a fun night out! Lighten up!

MIL and I agree that she's not being very festive about it, but I guess that's just her. I'm still anoyed.

First bolded: You're doing a very crappy job so far by getting drunk and hungover, then lying about missing her daughter's birthday party.

Second bolded: Are you freakin' serious? Being a DD is NOT fun. Neither of my sisters (one of which is my MOH) are attending my bachelorette or shower because they have kids and other commitments, which I totally understand.

Want to have a better relationship with your FSIL? Try calling her up, apologizing for lying, and ask her how SHE is doing and things going on in HER life. Tell her you are thrilled to have her stand up there with you on your wedding day. While this is your wedding planning time, the world is not revolving around you. Everything should not be about you and your wedding. Grow up.

Sheesh, I hope this is MUD.

lyndausvi · June 2015

wait? You think an ideal way to bond with your FSIL is to make her be a DD while you and I'm guessing a bunch of girls she doesn't know get drunk? This is AFTER you blew off your future-niece's birthday because..... you got drunk and had a hangover.

You sound like a joy.

I'm thinking someone took trolling 101 classes this afternoon.

OfftheMap27 · June 2015

Knottie1433279058 said:

It's just that weddings are once in a lifetime. And I don't have a sister. I wanted to have a sister bond with her.

I understand that I'm not the only one getting married, but I feel that, since I'm the one in the family getting married, it should be my time to shine...I've been waiting my whole life for this and I just want to share my joy.

I don't think she should care more about my wedding at all, but not coming to the bachelorette because her daughter has a dance class and she doesn't drink? She could be DD! it's a fun night out! Lighten up!

MIL and I agree that she's not being very festive about it, but I guess that's just her. I'm still anoyed.

I would imagine she thought you were also not being "festive" by blowing off her daughters party… and lying about it… and then making everything, ever, about yourself.

Part of me hopes this is a joke, because it's horrifying to think some people actually think this way, but on the off chance it's not a joke, as many have said- apologize. A heart felt, "I'm sorry" goes a long way, especially since you got caught in a lie, and your way of (attempting to) sweep it under the rug, is by sending texts about nothing but yourself.

It's your day, but that doesn't mean being selfish and unapologetic is even remotely excusable.

mollybarker11 · June 2015

southernbelle0915 said:

Knottie1433279058 said:
I'm just irritated because she's supposed to care about my wedding. I feel like all she cares about is her work and family and nothing else.
Do you think your wedding should be right up there with her job and family?

mollybarker11 · June 2015

If my own flesh-and-blood sister texted me a daily wedding countdown I would block her number.

japlanet · June 2015

Wow no one is that interested in your wedding to respond to daily wedding related texts >3 months away from the wedding. Heck, I am not that interested in my own wedding, less than a month out. Most people have many better things to do. Work, family, and friends all come to mind.

STARMOON44 · June 2015

AuroraRose41 said:

Knottie1433279058 said:

It's just that weddings are once in a lifetime. And I don't have a sister. I wanted to have a sister bond with her.

I understand that I'm not the only one getting married, but I feel that, since I'm the one in the family getting married, it should be my time to shine...I've been waiting my whole life for this and I just want to share my joy.

I don't think she should care more about my wedding at all, but not coming to the bachelorette because her daughter has a dance class and she doesn't drink? She could be DD! it's a fun night out! Lighten up!

MIL and I agree that she's not being very festive about it, but I guess that's just her. I'm still anoyed.

BOXES

Listen, you won't have a sister bond with her if all you talk about is your wedding. That isn't the way to get closer to her. The way to get closer to her is to actually talk to her, not at her. Ask her about herself and figure out things you have in common. That's how you get close to people.

And pro-tip: once you are close to people in this way, many times they will get excited for you, because you have been a good friend to them and they are happy for their friend.

I don't think you understand how sisters work. Mine would die laughing if I expected her to care about daily wedding updates.

banana468 · June 2015

How have you shown that you care about her or your future niece? It's a 2 way street here and so far you haven't shown her any interest in her life. You can start by apologizing for missing the party. You're a grown up now. The hangover excuse needs some fritos, Gatorade and coffee. If you want her to act like you're a priority you need to make them one. So far you're trying to make this all about you.

LD1970 · June 2015

MUD

Jen4948 · June 2015

So let me get this straight:

1) You skipped the party she threw.
2) You lied about your reason.
3) You deluge her with wedding-related messages every day.
4) You've never expressed any interest in how she is doing.
5) Now you want to fire her as your bridesmaid.

Yeah, if I were her I'd keep my distance from you too.

randomslove · June 2015

This is not an ettiquette question. This is a relationship question. You damaged your relationship with your FSIL when you lied and she's understandably upset. So what you need to do is put aside all wedding stuff and work on repairing the relationship. Reach out to her and say you're sorry and that you would appreciate a chance to talk to her about how to fix the rift.

SP29 · June 2015

I'm calling MUD but...

It IS a 2-way street. How can you expect her to support you and your special day when you don't support anything she does?

I bet you her daughter is most special to her, her once in a lifetime daughter (sure she could have more kids, but they are each individual and special), and you've shown no respect towards her regarding that. That AND you are going to be this little girls aunt, yet you don't seem to care about her either? You could have a GREAT relationship with both SIL and her daughter, but you are passing it by.

levioosa · June 2015

Learn how to troll better. *Yawn*

redoryx · June 2015

STARMOON44 said:

Knottie1433279058 said:

It's just that weddings are once in a lifetime. And I don't have a sister. I wanted to have a sister bond with her.

I understand that I'm not the only one getting married, but I feel that, since I'm the one in the family getting married, it should be my time to shine...I've been waiting my whole life for this and I just want to share my joy.

I don't think she should care more about my wedding at all, but not coming to the bachelorette because her daughter has a dance class and she doesn't drink? She could be DD! it's a fun night out! Lighten up!

MIL and I agree that she's not being very festive about it, but I guess that's just her. I'm still anoyed.

BOXES

Listen, you won't have a sister bond with her if all you talk about is your wedding. That isn't the way to get closer to her. The way to get closer to her is to actually talk to her, not at her. Ask her about herself and figure out things you have in common. That's how you get close to people.

And pro-tip: once you are close to people in this way, many times they will get excited for you, because you have been a good friend to them and they are happy for their friend.
I don't think you understand how sisters work. Mine would die laughing if I expected her to care about daily wedding updates.

Seriously. I'm pretty sure my sister came to me when she was sick and tired of talking about wedding shit with other people.

OP, I'm pretty sure when you say you want a "sisterly bond," what you mean is, "I want to be Cinderella and for her to be an Ugly Stepsister who got left behind at the ball." That's not how these things work.

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