advice already received, thank u

WinstonsGirl · June 2015

Honestly, he sounds a lot like my DH. We never fight (ok, rarely, when doing renovations only) and he is very laid back and easygoing. When I ask him what he wants/needs, he just says it's me. (Yes, he's awesome). But for him, I make him happy and nothing else really matters, so that's good enough for him. He's not bottling stuff up to not tell me. You might be looking for something that isn't there here.

As for finances, we also do 50/50, even though he makes way more than I do. Personally, I feel that if I want to help buy a house, go on vacation, etc., I can contribute my half, so I do. Yup, money is tighter for me than for him, but I still have enough to have a life and contribute to savings. Whatever works for each couple individually is good enough for them

lnixon8 · June 2015

(I think) In your first post you say he might take a 3rd job? In order to make your 50% down payment plan work, but then you ask if he should quit his 2nd job? Since it sounds like he is deferring all decisions to you, decide if you want him around more or to make your 50% down payment plan work.

Go to a real counselor (no offense to language of love) by yourself. I understand some of your post seem confusing because English is you third language but I also see a lot of random non-issues that maybe a counselor can help sort out. Like...why does his height bother you? Why should he kneel? Just take a few steps back or sit down together. Why bring up the food you cook? If you can't answer these questions you should talk to someone (not to diminish them) but to figure out why they affect you so much.

flutteringinfl · June 2015

I don't have much to add except for the fact that I'm not clear on what you expect us, your husband, or anyone else to do about his height. You did know he wasn't going to shrink and you weren't going to grow before you got married, right?

[Deleted User] · June 2015

thestairs said:

As married couple, it about communication and compromise as we learn to adapt to each others living style. A complain here and there, litle arguments are not always bad. But it can helps to learn each other differences, and we learn to compromise with each others as we go.I heard that that if a married couple have no fight, then one is not fully happy. Because one party have to hold back themself in trying to satisfy the other party. Right?Is there any signs that a spouse is building up resentment day by day? My husband he always try to make me happy. I don't want him to keep hold it and build up resentment day by day, and one day he will explode.Sorry, VERY LONG post ahead...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have a husband that always let me have things my way so I can be happy. He doesn't argue with me, he doesn't talk back to me. I wish sometimes he would stop let me have things my way. And for once let himself have things HIS ways instead.
I hope my husband is not holding himself back, each day build up and build up and one day he will explode. Possible right?

When we dated and he wanted marriage. Every couple days be would brought up the marriage topic. He said he wants to get married and if I want it too, we can get married. His whenever I'm ready, he just waitng on me.
I didn't answer him, I drag it on for couple months; and every couple days she would asked and asked again and gain. He pretty much throw the ball at my court and let me decided when I'm ready to get married.

He didn't get down on his knee when he wants to propose for marriage, but... he doesn't mind kneel down on one of his knee if that make me feel better about my height.
I'm 4'11, he is 6'1 so we have 14 inches difference in height. When we have serious talk, we can't stand next to each others and talk. I am ridiculously short next to him, so I always have to look up to his face.
I would complain and make comments like: "Your so tall, I have to look up in order to look at your eyes."
Then he would kneel down on one of his knee, so I don't have to look up to him when I talk. I know he doing this only to make me feel better about my height.

I'm good at cook Chinese food. I have no problem cooking him different Chinese dishes everyday for him to eat the whole month. But I know he likes to eat his culture food.
So I learn it from my mother in-law, I also buy his culture food books so I can learn more on how to cook his cultural dishes. I ask him, what do he likes to eat, give me a list and I will cook for him.
And he answered, he eat anything that his wife cook. Pretty much he said, it doesn't matter what type of dishes I cook, as long as I cook it, he's happy to eat it.

He works 2 jobs so his income is more than mine. He always offer to pay more on Rent/Bills because he makes more income. But I said No, I said I want to be fair, because we both bring in income. I also work, I have my own source of income.
I said I want to take turn pay Rent, and we split Bills to help each others. This month I pay rent, next month he pay rent. Grocery is this time I pay, next time he pay, etc...
I give him the look like he's not listening to his wife. He said alright, he let me have it my way as I insist. But he said that when he die he going to leave all his money to me anyway, this he said I have no choice, lol

We live in a cheap rent bad area neighborhood right now. Because of the cheap rent, the environment here is not good at all. We both agree that we will not raise a new born baby here.
Since we both poor, so we plan to buy a Foreclosure house or a small house. Buy a Foreclosure house is cheaper, we can get out of this bad neighborhood faster.
All our lives we both are Debt-Free, so I told my husband that I aim at 50% house down-payment, so we have less mortage and pay off our mortgage faster.
He doesn't even talk back to me. He said 'Alright, anything you want', himself he went to find a second job. Working his butt off 2 jobs everyday to fulfill what I aim at.

He did promise that after I became his wife, he will listen to what I say. And the first thing I say is I aim at 50% house down-payment. He said as a husband he will make it happen for me, even if that means he have to work 3 jobs; to faster achieve my goal.
But I said No! I do not let him work 3 jobs, because I don't think we can have time with each others if he work that much.

Fortunately, his 2nd job is just temporary for one year. Until next year when we buy a small foreclosure house he will be back working 1 job, it a better time to TTC
Right now everyday he work 12-14 hours including weekend. His local Truck driving job can be mentally tired; his mind always have to concentrate while driving on the road.
His Warehouse job sure is physically tired, because all he do is loading/Unloading, stacking, lifting, carrying heavy stuff all day.

He said if he stress from from work, he will sit in his car to think. He will not bring stress of work to home, he leave it outside as soon as he get out of the car.
Never once he complain a word to me about working 2 jobs. I'm sure his Warehouse job give him body ache and he is tired by the end of the day, but he never complain that he's tired or demand me for a massage.

He is very responsible with money, his whole life he is Debt-free and he is not a big spender at all.
He said he likes to work so he have no complain. He said he work hard so we can have enough money to buy a house, to save money for us and our baby future, and to save money for rainy days.
To him work is survival, work is to secure the future. He have an obsession with saving money, he make sure every month he puts in money in saving account just in case of rainy days.

okay, those are just few little examples. Eversince we dating till marriage, he always let me have things my way so I can be happy. I wish for once he would let himself have things his ways instead. But he doesn't change, he still the same guy that I know 4 years ago, perhaps this is the way he is? Perhaps I should just learn to adapt to this because that is who he is?
Never once he raise his voice on me, let alone start argument with me. Sometimes I do want him to talk to me in the louder voice, and tell me what he wants, but he just doesn't do it. Is my husband NORMAL? How to fix this? How to get him to tell me what HE WANTS?

Who here find it to be a TURN OFF when a husband always let the wife have things her ways?
----------------------------------------------
How to get him to be assertive and tell me what HE WANTS, instead of always what I want.
He doesn't tell me what he wants, how about HIS needs? What do HE wants? Well, he tell me that he wants a baby to complete our family. But beside that, I want him to tell me more on what he wants.
With the way he is, I'm not sure if he ready to be a dad. He will just overly spoil his children and give them everything they want.

If you make it through this far, from the post you see he always like that, and it irritate me. Because man suppose to know what he wants right? He should have complain, he should be assertive, he should raise his voice on me if needed.
But never once he raise his voice on me, let alone argue with me.

I told him that if a couple doesn't argue at all, that means one is not fully happy. Because one have to hold back to try to make the other happy. And he anwered me that he's happy, and he doesn't see any problem in our marriage.

He will be working 2 jobs until next year. Next year when we have enough money for a small house down-payment, then he be back working 1 job.
We do try to spend time together as much as we can. He phone me every time he on break from work.
Even when he come home late from work, we spend all the hours together until he sleeps.

We do try to communicate, when we in bed together, we talk alot. He tell me about his day at work, he talks about everything,. We talk about random daily things, and we both laugh, we jokes, we giggles.
He tell me about his work schedules, what he be doing tomorrow, where he be going tomorrow, etc...

I don't think we have communication problem, everyday we talk alot with each others about everrything. Perhaps we have communication problem but we don't realize yet?

BOXES BOXES BOXES BOXES BOXES BOXES BOXES BOXES BOXES

I am going to go back to what some pervious posters have said, and guess that a lot of the "problems" you are imagining are due to differences in cultures. OP, from what I have read, it sounds like you were raised to believe men act a certain way, and women act a certain way, and that is just the way things are. In some cultures, this may be true for some couples, but that does not mean that couples who differ from the perceived "norm" have problems. In fact, couples from within your culture probably differ from those "norms" all the time. You just don't hear about them.

You mentioned multiple times that your husband may just be laid back. That is probably the case. If he is happy and he does not have any complaints, then why should he argue with you or raise his voice? It sounds to me like you expect him to act this way, and are frightened because it is not normal, but that is not the case. Every person is different. He is an adult, and should be able to communicate his needs to you if he has any. It sounds like you have asked, and he says he is happy. I would leave it at that. He is happy. There is nothing to be concerned about. Do not suspect that he is bottling up any emotions if you have no reason to think that.

You also seem to feel like you need to do things to please him, and are concerned that you aren't doing enough. I am just guessing this based on your worries about cooking food from his culture. I think you need to put more value on yourself as a person, and as someone he obviously loves for YOU, not simply for the physical things you can give to him, like food, or a clean house, or something like that. It is easy to say, but you should try to be more confident in yourself as a person. You worry about your height, and just by the way you explain things, I feel like you are insecure. You shouldn't be. He chose to marry you, and he knew how tall you were and he knew what your personality was like AND he chose to marry you regardless. Neither one of you can change who you are as people, so all you can do is talk to each other and do your best to continue leading a happy life. There will be obstacles and problems along the way, but if you can work through them and discuss things as equals, then you are on the right path.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2015

redoryx said:

thestairs said:

If you make it through this far, from the post you see he always like that, and it irritate me. Because man suppose to know what he wants right? He should have complain, he should be assertive, he should raise his voice on me if needed.
But never once he raise his voice on me, let alone argue with me.

I told him that if a couple doesn't argue at all, that means one is not fully happy. Because one have to hold back to try to make the other happy. And he anwered me that he's happy, and he doesn't see any problem in our marriage.

He will be working 2 jobs until next year. Next year when we have enough money for a small house down-payment, then he be back working 1 job.
We do try to spend time together as much as we can. He phone me every time he on break from work.
Even when he come home late from work, we spend all the hours together until he sleeps.

We do try to communicate, when we in bed together, we talk alot. He tell me about his day at work, he talks about everything,. We talk about random daily things, and we both laugh, we jokes, we giggles.
He tell me about his work schedules, what he be doing tomorrow, where he be going tomorrow, etc...

I don't think we have communication problem, everyday we talk alot with each others about everrything. Perhaps we have communication problem but we don't realize yet?

I think you have some idea in your head of what a man is "supposed" to be but your FI isn't like that and if he's not like that now, he's not going to magically become that just because you're married. And that's okay -- my exes were assertive and argumentative and it annoyed the crap out of me. I'm much happier with my SO now who isn't like that at all.

I also don't understand the logic that if a couple doesn't argue that means someone is holding back. Like, that makes no sense. It sounds like he actually is happy with your relationship as is and you are the one that's unhappy.

This isn't something we can fix. You need a counselor.

Yeah it seems to me like you are looking for trouble. There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with your relationship in what you posted, except that you seem to want to make your husband act or react in a way that is not in his nature, and is actually dysfunctional.

You need to accept him at his word that he is happy and that he is doing and getting what he wants. If you can't do that, you need to talk to somebody about your own issues before you start creating issues in your marriage that aren't there.

anjemon · June 2015

OP, I would say I usually fall on your husband's side of the spectrum. A lot of times I don't have strong opinions about things and let my H decide what to eat/where to go/what to do. It annoys him because he feels like he's always making me do things. But I don't really have an opinion, so it doesn't bother me. Or I like making him happy, so I'm happy to do what he'd like to do.

We are working on this in a couple of ways. Sometimes, he asks me what I'd like and just waits until I make a decision. He doesn't give me his opinion because he doesn't want his opinion, he wants mine. I am also working on telling him when I have opinions, not just going with the flow. It's hard for me sometimes, but I know my expressing opinions makes him happier than doing whatever he wants.

I don't know if this is actually clear or not, but here's what I would say to do:

Ask your husband what he wants.

Believe him when he answers.

Although I really do think a counselor can be helpful. We did pre-maritial counseling and it was really helpful in working out what our issues were and how we can work with them.

And also too, my H is generally of the opinion (like your H, OP) that whatever I want to cook is good. He's just so happy that food appears and he doens't have to do any work that he doesn't care what I make. He tells me when he doesn't like things, but usually he doesn't have a strong opinion and he says to cook whatever I feel like. I think this sounds like your H too, he's just happy you're there and cooking.

sheknows6 · June 2015

As other people have mentioned already, please go to a marriage counselor. The problems you're mentioning cannot be solved on a wedding planning forum.

His height is not something that can be "solved".....your finances are between the two of you and something you need to work out privately or with your financial adviser. I would have to agree that you're looking for an issue that isn't there when you say "I don't want him to explode one day because we aren't fighting now".

If there isn't a problem then please don't create one!

Best of luck!

MyNameIsNot · June 2015

lnixon8 said:

(I think) In your first post you say he might take a 3rd job? In order to make your 50% down payment plan work, but then you ask if he should quit his 2nd job? Since it sounds like he is deferring all decisions to you, decide if you want him around more or to make your 50% down payment plan work.

Go to a real counselor (no offense to language of love) by yourself. I understand some of your post seem confusing because English is you third language but I also see a lot of random non-issues that maybe a counselor can help sort out. Like...why does his height bother you? Why should he kneel? Just take a few steps back or sit down together. Why bring up the food you cook? If you can't answer these questions you should talk to someone (not to diminish them) but to figure out why they affect you so much.

This.

It seems like you want him to raise his voice or get forceful, or that you are irrationally fearful that he will do these things. I'm thinking these expectations might have something to do with your abusive mother.

A real life counselor can help you work through these issues and can help give you some real insight into your relationship.

FiancB · June 2015

So let me get this straight. You're stressing out because he is basically being a really exceptionally generous partner?

To be fair, I am kind of this person in the relationship. I don't think it's abnormal for one person to be kind of the leader and the other to kind of go along. I'm pretty laid back and not great at adulting, so DH kind of takes the reins with a lot of things. Every once in a great while I do get a little resentful, but I'm usually being silly and let it go. If there is an issue, I will stand up for it. But basically being nice to you and agreeing with you and eating what you cook for him and being tall don't really sound like reasons to be resentful.

It sounds like this may have a lot to do with cultural gender roles; it sounds like you feel like you are the one "wearing the pants", so to speak. This has a lot more to do with personality than which person has what parts. If you're giving him the opportunity to give his opinion, that's on him. It sounds like he genuinely is just laid back and wants to give you the world. You're reading too much into it.

A) talk to him and

talk to a professional, or at least friends/family that are more familiar with your situation. As others said. Not sure why this is your communication mode of choice, here.

RebeccaB88 · June 2015

I think it kind of sounds like you are so afraid that he's going to leave you, that you are seeing things that aren't there, or looking for things that don't exist. This could easily be left over from your abusive(?) family situation. Same thing with your obsessive desire to be financially (and otherwise) independent from your husband. Sometimes people can be so terrified of being left alone that they worry, nag, and obsess over their partners to the point where they drive them away. You don't want to be this person. A professional counselor can definitely help you with this. It would be worth the time and money to sort this out before you start buying a house.

Not saying this is the case, but just what jumped out at me from reading the OP. The stuff about height, cooking, jobs is just cluttering up the core issue here. That stuff will be sorted out when the main issue is.

advice already received, thank u

Re: advice already received, thank u

Choose Another Board

Search Boards