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UPDATE: She's out!

Knottie17311410Knottie17311410 member
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edited June 2015 in Wedding Party
I asked my very good friend of many years to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. She's been there for me when I went through a terrible divorce and now that I'm in a wonderful relationship with a man that's truly my soul mate I wanted her to be there by my side as one of my two bridesmaids.  My fiance and I are choosing to keep our wedding small with only close friends and family. While I have at least 4 great friends that I could have asked to be in the wedding, they are all out of state and I didn't want to burden them to pay for travel expenses, bridesmaid dress, etc. 

So fast forward, I ask my friend a few weeks ago to be my bridesmaid and tell her how much I appreciate her being there for me during some challenging times in my life. She immediately says yes that she'll be in the wedding. Two weeks later, she calls to tell me that she doesn't want to be in my wedding now because she feels that the next wedding she's in should be her own (she's currently single, not dating anyone). While I respect that she has the right to change her mind, I'm still very disappointed that she made this decision and I feel a little hurt by it.  

Has anyone else had this happen to them? Just had to vent a bit!

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Re: UPDATE: She's out!

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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    edited May 2015
    I'm sorry this happened.  It's a bummer that your "good friend" isn't mature enough to be willing to be a bridesmaid for you after she said yes.  If this is really how she feels, she should have declined when you first asked her (and kept her idiotic reason to herself).
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    levioosalevioosa member
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    Knottie17311410 said:

    I asked my very good friend of many years to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. She's been there for me when I went through a terrible divorce and now that I'm in a wonderful relationship with a man that's truly my soul mate I wanted her to be there by my side as one of my two bridesmaids.  My fiance and I are choosing to keep our wedding small with only close friends and family. While I have at least 4 great friends that I could have asked to be in the wedding, they are all out of state and I didn't want to burden them to pay for travel expenses, bridesmaid dress, etc. 


    So fast forward, I ask my friend a few weeks ago to be my bridesmaid and tell her how much I appreciate her being there for me during some challenging times in my life. She immediately says yes that she'll be in the wedding. Two weeks later, she calls to tell me that she doesn't want to be in my wedding now because she feels that the next wedding she's in should be her own (she's currently single, not dating anyone). While I respect that she has the right to change her mind, I'm still very disappointed that she made this decision and I feel a little hurt by it.  

    Has anyone else had this happen to them? Just had to vent a bit!
    It sucks, so take a day to be bummed and then move on.  Perhaps she is dealing with something in her own life right now.  It sounds like you guys are really good friends.  Don't let this color your friendship.  There's more to a friendship than standing up in a wedding, and you guys have been through a lot to let this bring it down.  


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    Knottie17311410Knottie17311410 member
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    I'm still a bit bummed about the whole thing. And feel a bit differently about our friendship, but I will move past it with a little time. I'm certainly not going to beg her to be in my wedding. She has made a few snarky comments before like, "at least you've been married before" and "why arent there any single men in the wedding party ?(insert long sigh by her). However I didn't take this comment and question seriously and didn't know this could be a sign that she didn't want to be in the wedding. I just wish she had never said yes....but, oh well!
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    LulawifeLulawife member
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    I understand why you would be bummed. My best friend from growing up said no to being a bridesmaid in our wedding. I live about 5 hours away now and she has two small children and felt she couldn't commit to "everything that comes with being a bridesmaid." Though I reassured her I wanted her to do nothing but show up the day of the wedding, she still declined. My feelings were really hurt for a bit but the more I thought about it, the more I realized our friendship really won't change at all whether she is wearing a bridesmaid dress on the altar with me or wearing anything else sitting in the pews. I think the sting will subside with a little time and you will realize your friendship is still the same as it always was! 
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    That is a really odd reason to drop out of a wedding. That sucks. My feelings would be hurt as well. 
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    flantasticflantastic member
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    LondonLisa said:

    Knottie17311410 said:

    I asked my very good friend of many years to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. She's been there for me when I went through a terrible divorce and now that I'm in a wonderful relationship with a man that's truly my soul mate I wanted her to be there by my side as one of my two bridesmaids.  My fiance and I are choosing to keep our wedding small with only close friends and family. While I have at least 4 great friends that I could have asked to be in the wedding, they are all out of state and I didn't want to burden them to pay for travel expenses, bridesmaid dress, etc. 


    So fast forward, I ask my friend a few weeks ago to be my bridesmaid and tell her how much I appreciate her being there for me during some challenging times in my life. She immediately says yes that she'll be in the wedding. Two weeks later, she calls to tell me that she doesn't want to be in my wedding now because she feels that the next wedding she's in should be her own (she's currently single, not dating anyone). While I respect that she has the right to change her mind, I'm still very disappointed that she made this decision and I feel a little hurt by it.  

    Has anyone else had this happen to them? Just had to vent a bit!
    I'm not going to lie, this has to be hands down one of the most mental reasons I have ever heard of for not being in a wedding. OP, I'm sorry this happened, but your friend sounds crazy selfish!

    I think it's probably just a thing she came up with so she wouldn't have to say, "No offense, but I'm over being a bridesmaid." Being a BM can be just annoying. It sucks and I'm sorry that she turned you down, but try not to take it personally, OP.
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    Knottie17311410Knottie17311410 member
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    Update: So now that I'm left with one bridesmaid who is a younger family member and I have another good friend who is great and closer to my age ... is it bad etiquette to ask this friend now that my other friend doesn't want to be in the wedding anymore? I didn't ask this friend at first because she has a young child and lives out of state. I haven't shared with her the situation with my other friend declining after saying yes.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    Knottie17311410 said:
    Update: So now that I'm left with one bridesmaid who is a younger family member and I have another good friend who is great and closer to my age ... is it bad etiquette to ask this friend now that my other friend doesn't want to be in the wedding anymore? I didn't ask this friend at first because she has a young child and lives out of state. I haven't shared with her the situation with my other friend declining after saying yes.
    Yes.  It sucks that your other friend doesn't want to be in the wedding anymore, but asking someone to be her replacement is rude to both the outgoing bridesmaid and the one you would be asking to replace her.
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    levioosalevioosa member
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    Knottie17311410 said:
    Update: So now that I'm left with one bridesmaid who is a younger family member and I have another good friend who is great and closer to my age ... is it bad etiquette to ask this friend now that my other friend doesn't want to be in the wedding anymore? I didn't ask this friend at first because she has a young child and lives out of state. I haven't shared with her the situation with my other friend declining after saying yes.
    Yes.  It's telling your other friend that she is second tier--she wasn't "good enough" to be picked first time around, so picking her now is seriously a slap in the face.  It also makes your friend who stepped down feel like she didn't mean anything, since you're so willing to stick anyone in her "spot." It's not a good idea.  Having two BMs is perfectly fine.   


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    jacques27jacques27 member
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    edited June 2015

    Wedding parties aren't required.  So, you can have only one bridesmaid and that's ok.  You could have no bridesmaids and that's ok. 

    If you're early enough in your planning and made no prior mention of it before, then it wouldn't be the worst thing to ask her, but then I think you should strongly consider your reasons why you want this person to be in your wedding party.

    Her situation hasn't changed - she's still out of state and she still has a kid.  Now, I firmly believe you shouldn't pre-emptively make choices for people and leave it up to them to accept or decline, but as scribe95 pointed out you already considered her and crossed her off - what changed?

    I would only ask under the following conditions:

    1. She is truly, truly your best friend in the world that you could not imagine not having at your side as you get married.

    2. You understand that her budget may be very limited and as such are willing to be very flexible and accommodating to that - such as letting her wear any dress she happens to already own.

    3. You understand that her budget and living circumstances may mean that she might not be able to do any pre-wedding events, like a shower or bachelorette.  None of those things are required of her to begin with, but on the chance (since you're already subbing in another person as it is), your picking her has any chance of being based on an expectation of what she can do for you and your wedding, you should throw that notion out the window immediately.


    And your other friend kind of sounds like a jealous dink.  You probably dodged a bullet with that one.

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    Knottie17311410Knottie17311410 member
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    Thanks for everyone's thoughts on this situation. Nothing has changed about my friend's situation with her being out of state and having a young child, but I realized that I might have made some assumptions without asking her first. I really should have asked her in addition to my other friend (who declined after the fact) at the same time.  I'm not requiring anything of my bridesmaids but to show up on our wedding day and stand beside me. I'm taking care of their dresses, and I don't need a shower, but I do realize there's more to it ... hair/makeup, shoes, travel, etc., so I get it.  I guess I just had set my hopes too high thinking that I would have my original two bridesmaids and not be in a situation where I feel like I should have included another friend.  But, I'm thinking I'll have to get over it and have my family member (who is great) be my one one only bridesmaid. I guess we all have our bridezilla moments, and this was mine!
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