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FutureMrsClarke16.defunct635765566441681921 · June 2015

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CMGragain · June 2015

The tradition you are speaking of dates to about 100 years ago, when weddings were held in the bride's home, and were very small. If you want to follow tradition, then you should have this kind of wedding,

You and your FI are responsible for paying for your own wedding. If someone (your parents) offers to help, then you thank them. They are not obligated to offer ANYTHING. Tell your parents, very firmly, to butt out about your FILS!

Asking anyone for money for your wedding is rude. This includes asking your guests to pay for their refreshments (cash bar or pot luck), asking someone to throw a pre-wedding party for you, or asking parents to give you money. NO!

Plan the wedding that you can afford. We paid for our daughter's wedding. We gave her a budget, and I helped her plan within it, according to her choices. We volunteered the money. Nobody asked anyone for anything.

CMGragain · June 2015

FutureMrsClarke16 said:

My family is by no means wealthy, but my future in laws struggle more financially. My parents seem to want them to contribute despite this fact. Do any other brides have troubles with their parents (if you are being traditional where the brides family pays for most of the wedding) wishing that the future in-laws would contribute more money towards the wedding? How do you deal with this? It puts me in an odd place...

artbyallie · June 2015

"Mom and Dad, we are paying for our wedding ourselves. It's very generous of you to offer to contribute, but we cannot and will not ask FILs for money because that would be rude."

mikenberger · June 2015

FutureMrsClarke16 said:

My family is by no means wealthy, but my future in laws struggle more financially. My parents seem to want them to contribute despite this fact. Do any other brides have troubles with their parents (if you are being traditional where the brides family pays for most of the wedding) wishing that the future in-laws would contribute more money towards the wedding? How do you deal with this? It puts me in an odd place...

I was just in a wedding like this. The bride's family paid for nearly everything, the groom's family paid for the rehearsal dinner. It caused nothing but tension and headache over the entire thing. If your parents are going to pay for your wedding, they need to pay for your wedding. Not pay for your wedding and then start demanding the wallet of others. It doesn't matter if your future in laws are millionaires. Your parents offered to pay. They can't/shouldn't demand others help out. And NOBODY should be approaching your in laws about helping. How rude.

You can easily avoid this entire issue though by hosting and paying for your own wedding. Which is always better because then it's your wedding and you don't need to ask anybody about details. Well, outside of your FI.

TrixieJess · June 2015

FutureMrsClarke16 said:

My family is by no means wealthy, but my future in laws struggle more financially. My parents seem to want them to contribute despite this fact. Do any other brides have troubles with their parents (if you are being traditional where the brides family pays for most of the wedding) wishing that the future in-laws would contribute more money towards the wedding? How do you deal with this? It puts me in an odd place...

It's nice that your parents have offered to help. Most couples today pay for their own weddings. I know very few people whose parents have paid for their weddings in any significant way. If your FI's parents choose to offer you money, that's great, if they don't, don't ask them. It's rude to expect and ask for money. You may want to let your parents know this.

onefootinthebayou · June 2015

PPs have it covered. It's great if your parents would like to help you (although another piece of advice you will learn here is not to count that money until it's in your account and depending on your family, that money *may* come with strings - i.e., your parents will get more say in guest list, planning, etc.) However, soliciting in-laws for funding is out of the question.

I was fortunate in that my father did write me a generous check but I paid for the rest myself. He also gave me no conditions around the money, I was to do with it as I pleased.

Plan the wedding you and your FI can afford. If you lurk around here, you will find TONS of ways to properly host your guests on a budget.

Jen4948 · June 2015

First and foremost, make clear to your parents that they have no right to expect any financial contributions from the FILs, that the FILS will not be asked to contribute financially, and that the subject is closed.

Then, plan an affordable wedding with the funds you have available.

OliveOilsMom · June 2015

PP have it covered, but I will tell you my personal experience. My parents paid for our reception and my dress. They offered to pay for more, but we declined and paid for everything else ourselves. But when we would see my MIL, my dad would joke to her that she had to pay for the "traditional" things the grooms family would pay for, the RD, booze at the wedding, and flowers. My MIL was in no condition to pay for anything, especially since my H was paying her property taxes for her.

So I took my dad aside and told him he needed to knock it off. I knew he was joking, but my MIL was worried that she needed to pay for things. My H & I kept telling her not to worry about it and I also told her my dad was joking. My dad didn't realize that she wasn't getting the joke, so he stopped making them.

Now, I know there is a big difference between joking about paying and your parents wanting your FILs to pay. But you still must act the same. Tell your parents that you will not and cannot ask your FILs for money for the wedding. You don't have to tell them why they cannot, just say that they cannot. I never told my dad that my H was paying my MILs taxes, I just told him that she couldn't contribute and to stop with the jokes.

lilacck28 · June 2015

My parents paid for the majority of the wedding. My mom was heavily involved in planning, but I was fine with that because we have s great relationship and similar taste. H's family contributed in smaller ways: they paid for most of the flowers, paid for H's wedding ring (they gave us a dollar amount and we happened to use it for one ring), and the rehearsal lunch, plus gave us some money to spend in the honeymoon.

It wasn't always clear what they planned to pay for (they would mention they wanted to help with something, but weren't specific about amounts, etc) which I could tell did annoy my parents (tiny side comments).

I could also tell they wished his family contributed more. BUT they also knew it was their choice to contribute the amount they were, and that H's family was In A slightly different financial situation. They got very happy when they heard about the things H's family were paying for, and 99% of the time kept their mouths shut about any resentment they might have felt.

When they did say something, I'd remind them that I was very grateful they were contributing so much, and asked if there was anything we should scale back on. And then they said "no! You're being so frugal as it is, and we wanted to give this to you".... And that would pretty much be the end of it. So that's my advice. Your parents complain about his family? Just thank your parents for all they're doin. If his parents have told you they would contribute more if they could, you can also mention that.

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