Who all wears a tux?

[Deleted User] · June 2015

I'll try not to be too long, but there is a lot that is going on.

Straight forward - my fiances parents are extremely controlling, arrogant and pretentious. I could write a novel about everything, but I dont think anyone has the time to read something that long.

So, I chose not to wear a tux, I am going to buy a nice black suit instead. I would like my brothers (groomsmen) to wear just dress pants, shirt and tie. My fiances dad (he will not nor will he ever be my father in law, he will always be Ashley's dad) is wearing a tux, but according to him its a "western tux." so therefore its ok. To me a tux is a tux is a tux.

My two question's are:

Should he be wearing a tux is I am not?

And, is it okay for the groomsmen to wear dress pants and a shirt and tie, no jacket. (I feel that if I am wearing a suit, and they are wearing suits, there's no standing out for me.)

Thanks

Joel

southernbelle0915 · June 2015

Knottie05838311 said:

I'll try not to be too long, but there is a lot that is going on.

Straight forward - my fiances parents are extremely controlling, arrogant and pretentious. I could write a novel about everything, but I dont think anyone has the time to read something that long.

So, I chose not to wear a tux, I am going to buy a nice black suit instead. I would like my brothers (groomsmen) to wear just dress pants, shirt and tie. My fiances dad (he will not nor will he ever be my father in law, he will always be Ashley's dad) is wearing a tux, but according to him its a "western tux." so therefore its ok. To me a tux is a tux is a tux.

My two question's are:

Should he be wearing a tux is I am not?

And, is it okay for the groomsmen to wear dress pants and a shirt and tie, no jacket. (I feel that if I am wearing a suit, and they are wearing suits, there's no standing out for me.)

Thanks
Joel

If it's a Black tie wedding, every guy should wear a tux. But if it's not black tie, literally no one has to wear a tux.

"Western tuxedo" can mean a lot of different things, so I'm curious what he's actually wearing. But in reality, it doesn't really matter. He can dress himself. I wouldn't touch that with a 10 foot pole if I were you. Especially since it sounds like your relationship with your FILs is rocky at best.

Generally, people should try to dress to the formality of an event. If they don't, they just look out of place and silly. For example, if someone wears a long evening gown with gloves to a casual wedding, they're going to look ridiculous. Same as someone who wears a tux when every other guy is wearing khakis and a neck tie.

Likewise, the groomsmen should match the formality of the groom. It'd be odd for the bride to wear a ballgown and the BMs to wear sundresses. Same way it's odd for you to wear a full suit and the GMs to wear half a suit.

So CAN he wear a tux? Yea. But SHOULD he? No.

And CAN your GMs wear no jacket? Yes. But SHOULD they? No.

CMGragain · June 2015

The groom sets the dress code for the wedding party. This is YOUR choice. If you wear a dark suit, then everybody else should wear a dark suit, too. No shirtsleeves. A dark suit is great for any wedding, so I think you are making a good choice. The suits do not need to match in color exactly. The groom stands out from the other men by wearing a different boutonniere.
A tuxedo is only worn at a formal evening wedding - western (?) or otherwise. If your wedding party is wearing suits, then your FFIL will look very odd. You have warned him. Enough said.

[Deleted User] · June 2015

The boutonniere is another story all together. My fiances mom was going to do all the flowers, but when we said real flowers she refused to do them as they weren't silk. Then a few weeks later we get told that she (my fiances mom) had made her and her husbands boutonniere and corsage out of fake flowers.

The bitch then added she will no do ours (mine, my parents and brothers) because we want ours made from real flowers. So this whole wedding is going to be a shit show as my family and everyone else is going to be wearing real flowers and theirs (my fiance flowers and her parents) are gonna be fake ones. Its back to control, her parents want to control everything but we wont let them. You give them and inch and they take a mile

southernbelle0915 · June 2015

Knottie05838311 said:

The boutonniere is another story all together. My fiances mom was going to do all the flowers, but when we said real flowers she refused to do them as they weren't silk. Then a few weeks later we get told that she (my fiances mom) had made her and her husbands boutonniere and corsage out of fake flowers.
The bitch then added she will no do ours (mine, my parents and brothers) because we want ours made from real flowers. So this whole wedding is going to be a shit show as my family and everyone else is going to be wearing real flowers and theirs (my fiance flowers and her parents) are gonna be fake ones. Its back to control, her parents want to control everything but we wont let them. You give them and inch and they take a mile

Ok, it's cool to vent about your FILs, but I think you need to chill.

"The bitch" isn't obligated to make your bouts. YOU are obligated to pay to have them made if you want to have them. Working with fake flowers is WAY easier than working with real flowers, so she probably just doesn't know how or she doesn't want to be constructing bouts right before the wedding (if they're fake, she can do them a year in advance).

A question - are your FILs contributing money to this wedding? If they are, they DO get a say in whatever their money buys. It's their money. If they aren't contributing money, they get no say.

So you have a couple of choices, decline their money in order to limit their say. Or, if they aren't contributing, stop talking wedding with them completely.

mikenberger · June 2015

Knottie05838311 said:

The boutonniere is another story all together. My fiances mom was going to do all the flowers, but when we said real flowers she refused to do them as they weren't silk. Then a few weeks later we get told that she (my fiances mom) had made her and her husbands boutonniere and corsage out of fake flowers.
The bitch then added she will no do ours (mine, my parents and brothers) because we want ours made from real flowers. So this whole wedding is going to be a shit show as my family and everyone else is going to be wearing real flowers and theirs (my fiance flowers and her parents) are gonna be fake ones. Its back to control, her parents want to control everything but we wont let them. You give them and inch and they take a mile

Dude. Seriously? Like it or not, you're marrying into that. Good luck if that's your current attitude.

KatWAG · June 2015

OP, you are having a serious overreaction to flowers and tuxes. Chill.

hellohkb · June 2015

Knottie05838311 said:

The boutonniere is another story all together. My fiances mom was going to do all the flowers, but when we said real flowers she refused to do them as they weren't silk. Then a few weeks later we get told that she (my fiances mom) had made her and her husbands boutonniere and corsage out of fake flowers.
The bitch then added she will no do ours (mine, my parents and brothers) because we want ours made from real flowers. So this whole wedding is going to be a shit show as my family and everyone else is going to be wearing real flowers and theirs (my fiance flowers and her parents) are gonna be fake ones. Its back to control, her parents want to control everything but we wont let them. You give them and inch and they take a mile

With the things you have said about your FILs it's not surprise you have such a poor relationship. Step back and look at how you have been overreacting. If my future SIL referred to me as a bitch I wouldn't be too pleased my child was marrying him either.

I understand FILs can be difficult. I really do. But you're way overreacting to this entire situation. As PPs mentioned, the bouts aren't your FILs responsibility, they are yours. Try not to get sucked into their drama and remain as civil as possible.

You don't have to wear a tux. I'd stay out of what they are wearing and just focus on you and your GMs.

[Deleted User] · June 2015

I have all the right to call her mom a bitch and her dad a prick. They are now and always will be.

Ashley had a grand maul seizure and and was in the hospital for a few days, guess what her parents did. Come to the hospital, no. They called her while in the hospital at bitched at her cause now who was going to look after their dogs while they went to Vegas. That was two years ago.

Three months ago she has another grand maul seizure and almost bit off her tongue in the process. Again she went to the hospital. She called her parents and instead of saying which hospital or we'll be right there, they say. Do you need us to come? When she got out she called them and told them she was out. What response does she get from them, OK, we're packing for Vegas so we cant talk long.

Three months have gone by and hey have not even bothered to come see her. Loving parents right? They live less than 20 minutes away and they are both retired. You want more, I can give you more. Again a loving mom tells her daughter a in here exact words "YOU ARE A COLD HEARTED BITCH" If that's the way they treat someone that they love, how do they treat their enemies

hellohkb · June 2015

Knottie05838311 said:

I have all the right to call her mom a bitch and her dad a prick. They are now and always will be.

Ashley had a grand maul seizure and and was in the hospital for a few days, guess what her parents did. Come to the hospital, no. They called her while in the hospital at bitched at her cause now who was going to look after their dogs while they went to Vegas. That was two years ago.

Three months ago she has another grand maul seizure and almost bit off her tongue in the process. Again she went to the hospital. She called her parents and instead of saying which hospital or we'll be right there, they say. Do you need us to come? When she got out she called them and told them she was out. What response does she get from them, OK, we're packing for Vegas so we cant talk long.

Three months have gone by and hey have not even bothered to come see her. Loving parents right? They live less than 20 minutes away and they are both retired. You want more, I can give you more. Again a loving mom tells her daughter a in here exact words "YOU ARE A COLD HEARTED BITCH" If that's the way they treat someone that they love, how do they treat their enemies

Perhaps it's not a good idea to invite them at all, in this case.

Jells2dot0 · June 2015

Seems like the perfect time to elope!

CMGragain · June 2015

So why are you having this wedding ceremony? Did you think your relatives would change just because it is your wedding? Elope.

[Deleted User] · June 2015

Sorry to keep going but...

This is how, the first time I met her dad, it went. He owned a business at that time and went to grab me a company shirt, he gives it to me and says, "They dont make tent sizes, so this will have to do." Great start.

When our parents met, her dad spent ten minutes flirting with the waitress before acknowledging we were there. When he was done with her, he says to my dad,"We're going dutch on this" first thing to my dad. My parents decided then and there that they were going to pay for the whole meal. When we finished dinner, my dad said that they'll get the bill. The words were hardly out of my dads mouth and they were out of their chairs and on the way out. No thanks or anything

[Deleted User] · June 2015

In response to why not elope?

The ceremony and reception is for Ashley not me, if it were up to me I wouldnt do anything. Its for Ashley and only her

hellohkb · June 2015

Knottie05838311 said:

Sorry to keep going but...
This is how, the first time I met her dad, it went. He owned a business at that time and went to grab me a company shirt, he gives it to me and says, "They dont make tent sizes, so this will have to do." Great start.

When our parents met, her dad spent ten minutes flirting with the waitress before acknowledging we were there. When he was done with her, he says to my dad,"We're going dutch on this" first thing to my dad. My parents decided then and there that they were going to pay for the whole meal. When we finished dinner, my dad said that they'll get the bill. The words were hardly out of my dads mouth and they were out of their chairs and on the way out. No thanks or anything

That's nice and all, but you still haven't answered why you're even inviting them. Does Ashley excuse their behavior or is she done with it too? I'd elope and cut her parents off if this isn't all MUD.

[Deleted User] · June 2015

hellohkb said:

Knottie05838311 said:

Sorry to keep going but...
This is how, the first time I met her dad, it went. He owned a business at that time and went to grab me a company shirt, he gives it to me and says, "They dont make tent sizes, so this will have to do." Great start.

When our parents met, her dad spent ten minutes flirting with the waitress before acknowledging we were there. When he was done with her, he says to my dad,"We're going dutch on this" first thing to my dad. My parents decided then and there that they were going to pay for the whole meal. When we finished dinner, my dad said that they'll get the bill. The words were hardly out of my dads mouth and they were out of their chairs and on the way out. No thanks or anything

That's nice and all, but you still haven't answered why you're even inviting them. Does Ashley excuse their behavior or is she done with it too? I'd elope and cut her parents off if this isn't all MUD.

I dont want them their cause they are going to ruin it for her. Her parents have such a hold on her no matter what she tries. She know's I don't want them their, but I cannot tell her not to invite them.

climbingsingle · June 2015

So if they are such awful people, why are you and your FI involving them in your wedding?

KatWAG · June 2015

Does your Fi want them at the wedding? What does she say about her parents actions? Because all I see are red flags right now.

CMGragain · June 2015

Do you honestly think you have the copyright on dysfunctional families? There are Knotties on this board whose families make your FILS look like the Cleavers.
Deal with it. You can only control what YOU do. You cannot control what other people do, so quit trying. You either accept things as they are, or change your plans.

southernbelle0915 · June 2015

Are they contributing financially to this wedding?

If so, give their money back. That way you can do whatever you want and not involve them at all.

If they are not, then stop talking wedding with them.

I also agree with @KatWAG, you're getting super worked up about attire and flowers. Obviously you have other issues with them, but you need to be able to delineate. Seriously.

[Deleted User] · June 2015

We are paying for everything.

This goes beyond just attire. Maybe I am taking all my frustration with them out on something petty. They refuse to contribute anything cause I told them "I will rather die on the street before I take a penny from you". I said that in response to them saying I am only after their money. Don't think that Ashleys parents paid for the fake flowers, they did, then her dad showed up at her work a few days later and said "Where's our money for the flowers"

They did pay for the dress, but her mom said that the dress was over their budget so she has to pay for the veil and alterations herself. Ashley cried over that and my parents said they would get her the matching veil and they did. Now her parents are attacking my parents cause they bought the veil.

They are not hard up for money, they get flown to Vegas by a hotel every three months with everything comp'd.

My parents are contributing a lot of time and money. They are not deciding anything, this is how it goes.

Who's making your cake? So and so is. The next day they went and paid for it.

Who's your photographer? So and so is...They paid it.

They are not deciding what, who, when or where, they are just paying for what WE want

southernbelle0915 said:

Are they contributing financially to this wedding?

If so, give their money back. That way you can do whatever you want and not involve them at all.

If they are not, then stop talking wedding with them.

I also agree with @KatWAG, you're getting super worked up about attire and flowers. Obviously you have other issues with them, but you need to be able to delineate. Seriously.

KatWAG · June 2015

Knottie05838311 said:

We are paying for everything.

This goes beyond just attire. Maybe I am taking all my frustration with them out on something petty. They refuse to contribute anything cause I told them "I will rather die on the street before I take a penny from you". I said that in response to them saying I am only after their money. Don't think that Ashleys parents paid for the fake flowers, they did, then her dad showed up at her work a few days later and said "Where's our money for the flowers"

They did pay for the dress, but her mom said that the dress was over their budget so she has to pay for the veil and alterations herself. Ashley cried over that and my parents said they would get her the matching veil and they did. Now her parents are attacking my parents cause they bought the veil.

They are not hard up for money, they get flown to Vegas by a hotel every three months with everything comp'd.

My parents are contributing a lot of time and money. They are not deciding anything, this is how it goes.

Who's making your cake? So and so is. The next day they went and paid for it.
Who's your photographer? So and so is...They paid it.

They are not deciding what, who, when or where, they are just paying for what WE want

southernbelle0915 said:

Are they contributing financially to this wedding?

If so, give their money back. That way you can do whatever you want and not involve them at all.

If they are not, then stop talking wedding with them.

I also agree with @KatWAG, you're getting super worked up about attire and flowers. Obviously you have other issues with them, but you need to be able to delineate. Seriously.

I am not surprised they aren't contributing after this comment. Something tells me there is another side to this story.

hellohkb · June 2015

How old are you and Ashley?

VulgarGirl · June 2015

FYI I googed western wedding tuxedo this appears to be a regular tux except bolo tie instead of bow tie (or regular tie) and a cowboy hat. A few people are wearing large belt buckles. It looks like something from Dynasty. Or that duck hunting show...with the bigot dude. You know the one.

Look your ILs are shitty. They've probably always been shitty. They will probably always be shitty. Lots of people have shitty in-laws/parents. Lots of people have way shitter in laws. Hell my wife's egg donor threw her out of the house because she's a lesbian. And has called her myriad of names. So we don't talk to her anymore and I think she's a cunt. Sorry, that wasn't right, she is a cunt.

So if your FI wants to cut her parents out of her life, that's one option. But it doesn't sound like she does. So you're gonna have to suck it the fuck up, put a smile on your face, and deal with them. Growns up have to deal with shitty shit all the time. That's why we get to drink.

[Deleted User] · June 2015

No one is good enough for their daughter. They want a doctor, lawyer or an engineer and I am neither of them. When Ashley and I met I was driving a run down Sunfire, I still lived at home and I was an apprentice. Thanks for reminding me, when she told her mom she was dating me, first thing her mom said was, "Well what car does he drive?" After she said it was a Sunfire, her nose turned up and and replied with "Oh"

Not saying I am perfect, but when I met Ashley her parents would say jump and she would say how high. Now they say jump and she says no. If anything maybe through me she saw that her parents control her.

KatWAG said:

Knottie05838311 said:

We are paying for everything.

This goes beyond just attire. Maybe I am taking all my frustration with them out on something petty. They refuse to contribute anything cause I told them "I will rather die on the street before I take a penny from you". I said that in response to them saying I am only after their money. Don't think that Ashleys parents paid for the fake flowers, they did, then her dad showed up at her work a few days later and said "Where's our money for the flowers"

They did pay for the dress, but her mom said that the dress was over their budget so she has to pay for the veil and alterations herself. Ashley cried over that and my parents said they would get her the matching veil and they did. Now her parents are attacking my parents cause they bought the veil.

They are not hard up for money, they get flown to Vegas by a hotel every three months with everything comp'd.

My parents are contributing a lot of time and money. They are not deciding anything, this is how it goes.

Who's making your cake? So and so is. The next day they went and paid for it.
Who's your photographer? So and so is...They paid it.

They are not deciding what, who, when or where, they are just paying for what WE want

southernbelle0915 said:

Are they contributing financially to this wedding?

If so, give their money back. That way you can do whatever you want and not involve them at all.

If they are not, then stop talking wedding with them.

I also agree with @KatWAG, you're getting super worked up about attire and flowers. Obviously you have other issues with them, but you need to be able to delineate. Seriously.

I am not surprised they aren't contributing after this comment. Something tells me there is another side to this story.

[Deleted User] · June 2015

This his not tuxedo tux. And I dont drink and Ashleys allergic to alcohol. Trust me if I drank I would be an alcoholic by this time

http://www.blackandlee.com/tuxedos.html#1-B_L_Catalog_2015_P24

VulgarGirl said:

FYI I googed western wedding tuxedo this appears to be a regular tux except bolo tie instead of bow tie (or regular tie) and a cowboy hat. A few people are wearing large belt buckles. It looks like something from Dynasty. Or that duck hunting show...with the bigot dude. You know the one.

Look your ILs are shitty. They've probably always been shitty. They will probably always be shitty. Lots of people have shitty in-laws/parents. Lots of people have way shitter in laws. Hell my wife's egg donor threw her out of the house because she's a lesbian. And has called her myriad of names. So we don't talk to her anymore and I think she's a cunt. Sorry, that wasn't right, she is a cunt.

So if your FI wants to cut her parents out of her life, that's one option. But it doesn't sound like she does. So you're gonna have to suck it the fuck up, put a smile on your face, and deal with them. Growns up have to deal with shitty shit all the time. That's why we get to drink.

KatWAG · June 2015

Knottie05838311 said:

No one is good enough for their daughter. They want a doctor, lawyer or an engineer and I am neither of them. When Ashley and I met I was driving a run down Sunfire, I still lived at home and I was an apprentice. Thanks for reminding me, when she told her mom she was dating me, first thing her mom said was, "Well what car does he drive?" After she said it was a Sunfire, her nose turned up and and replied with "Oh"

Not saying I am perfect, but when I met Ashley her parents would say jump and she would say how high. Now they say jump and she says no. If anything maybe through me she saw that her parents control her.

KatWAG said:

Knottie05838311 said:

We are paying for everything.

This goes beyond just attire. Maybe I am taking all my frustration with them out on something petty. They refuse to contribute anything cause I told them "I will rather die on the street before I take a penny from you". I said that in response to them saying I am only after their money. Don't think that Ashleys parents paid for the fake flowers, they did, then her dad showed up at her work a few days later and said "Where's our money for the flowers"

They did pay for the dress, but her mom said that the dress was over their budget so she has to pay for the veil and alterations herself. Ashley cried over that and my parents said they would get her the matching veil and they did. Now her parents are attacking my parents cause they bought the veil.

They are not hard up for money, they get flown to Vegas by a hotel every three months with everything comp'd.

My parents are contributing a lot of time and money. They are not deciding anything, this is how it goes.

Who's making your cake? So and so is. The next day they went and paid for it.
Who's your photographer? So and so is...They paid it.

They are not deciding what, who, when or where, they are just paying for what WE want

southernbelle0915 said:

Are they contributing financially to this wedding?

If so, give their money back. That way you can do whatever you want and not involve them at all.

If they are not, then stop talking wedding with them.

I also agree with @KatWAG, you're getting super worked up about attire and flowers. Obviously you have other issues with them, but you need to be able to delineate. Seriously.

I am not surprised they aren't contributing after this comment. Something tells me there is another side to this story.

Then maybe you both should get some counseling about how to deal with her family. Because it seems to be seriously affecting you.

MairePoppy · June 2015

Your FILs are obnoxious, cheap, self-centered. Does your fi want a relationship with them? Sounds like she does. You should remain polite and keep as much distance as you can from them. If she doesn't want a relationship with them, you should support her as she learns to seperate from her parents. Either way, a few counseling sessions for you and her would help. You need to learn how to deal with these people without being overwhelmed by anger.

As for the tux and fake flowers - they won't ruin your wedding. They may look out of place, but so what, it represents the fact that the don't play well with others. The truth is, if your FILs show up in clown costumes, they, not anyone else, will look foolish, but it won't ruin your wedding.

Your dark suit is a good choice for your wedding. The GM should also wear suits. You should all look like you're going to the same event.

[Deleted User] · June 2015

Its funny you bring counselling. The three of them went to counselling and after the first and only session after the psychologist left the room and Ashleys dad tells her that she's been putting her mom through hell. That was a few months after her first seizure. Also, we were informed by the psychologist that she refuses to meet with her parents again. She will continue to be there for Ashley, but not for her parents. When a psychologist doesn't want to do deal with someone - you know its bad

KatWAG said:

Knottie05838311 said:

No one is good enough for their daughter. They want a doctor, lawyer or an engineer and I am neither of them. When Ashley and I met I was driving a run down Sunfire, I still lived at home and I was an apprentice. Thanks for reminding me, when she told her mom she was dating me, first thing her mom said was, "Well what car does he drive?" After she said it was a Sunfire, her nose turned up and and replied with "Oh"

Not saying I am perfect, but when I met Ashley her parents would say jump and she would say how high. Now they say jump and she says no. If anything maybe through me she saw that her parents control her.

KatWAG said:

Knottie05838311 said:

We are paying for everything.

This goes beyond just attire. Maybe I am taking all my frustration with them out on something petty. They refuse to contribute anything cause I told them "I will rather die on the street before I take a penny from you". I said that in response to them saying I am only after their money. Don't think that Ashleys parents paid for the fake flowers, they did, then her dad showed up at her work a few days later and said "Where's our money for the flowers"

They did pay for the dress, but her mom said that the dress was over their budget so she has to pay for the veil and alterations herself. Ashley cried over that and my parents said they would get her the matching veil and they did. Now her parents are attacking my parents cause they bought the veil.

They are not hard up for money, they get flown to Vegas by a hotel every three months with everything comp'd.

My parents are contributing a lot of time and money. They are not deciding anything, this is how it goes.

Who's making your cake? So and so is. The next day they went and paid for it.
Who's your photographer? So and so is...They paid it.

They are not deciding what, who, when or where, they are just paying for what WE want

southernbelle0915 said:

Are they contributing financially to this wedding?

If so, give their money back. That way you can do whatever you want and not involve them at all.

If they are not, then stop talking wedding with them.

I also agree with @KatWAG, you're getting super worked up about attire and flowers. Obviously you have other issues with them, but you need to be able to delineate. Seriously.

I am not surprised they aren't contributing after this comment. Something tells me there is another side to this story.

Then maybe you both should get some counseling about how to deal with her family. Because it seems to be seriously affecting you.

CMGragain · June 2015

These are your choices:

1. Accept your FILS as they are. When things become difficult, leave or hang up the phone.
2. Cut off all communication with your FILS.
3. Do not accept any money from your FILS because it will come with string attached.

These are NOT your choices:
1. Change your FILS behavior to make your FI happy.
2. Control your FILS in any way.
3. Accept money from your FILS without consequences.
4. Being rude to your FILS. Stop it!

KatWAG · June 2015

Knottie05838311 said:

Its funny you bring counselling. The three of them went to counselling and after the first and only session after the psychologist left the room and Ashleys dad tells her that she's been putting her mom through hell. That was a few months after her first seizure. Also, we were informed by the psychologist that she refuses to meet with her parents again. She will continue to be there for Ashley, but not for her parents. When a psychologist doesn't want to do deal with someone - you know its bad

I meant counseling you and her. Not her parents.

Who all wears a tux?

Re: Who all wears a tux?

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