Updated Title: Wrangling FILs and Photographs

MyNameIsNot · June 2015

Maggie0829 said:

@MyNameIsNot - They aren't married yet. They get married in December. But they had their wedding photos done ahead of time and I am guessing since they are going to be in school they will be away from each other until their wedding in December.

Correct me if I am wrong OP.

It could be a reading fail. I'm probably confused because she's calling them her wedding pics.

GuitarSlayer · June 2015

Maggie0829 said:

Well you can't control what they do with the picture once you give it to them. They can make giant posters and post them around their town if they want to. So if you are that concerned that they are going to take your photo and put it on facebook and have a shower without you present (which they can do with or without a picture) then don't give them a picture. If they want an engagement announcement in the paper so bad your FI could probably submit it himself over the internet.

As to what picture to use, well it can be any picture you want. It could be your pre-wedding pictures. It could be a goofy picture. It could be one you take right this minute. It doesn't have to be a specific engagement posed picture.

The lightbulb went on over both our heads when we read that! Thank you! FI will talk to his father over which paper to put it in. It would also suss out whether they actually were going to publish the announcement or if they were going to get the picture just to have it. They've asked for my address in the past "in order to send GS flowers," but they never did it. They just wanted that piece of information on me to possess. It's really crappy to wait for flowers that never come.

OliveOilsMom said:

As for the photo for the engagement announcement, if you don't want to give FILs a picture, then don't. Your FI should tell his parents that you aren't interested in having an engagement announcement in the paper or on facebook. If they press further, he should tell them that they have not respected your privacy on social media before, so you will not be giving them anymore photos.
Perhaps a compromise you can make with your FILs would be agreeing to send wedding announcements to a list of people they determine. Wedding announcements just state that B&G were married on x date in y city. They usually go out the day of or day after the wedding and do not include any pictures.

If they press, that's exactly what they will get re:privacy. Since the wedding is small, we are planning to do announcements post-wedding for family members that were not invited, with what you've indicated on there. I think Maggie's suggestion of doing an engagement announcement ourselves and see what happens is the optimal solution, as it gives them what they want without them getting what they want.

NowIamMrsKlein · June 2015

It doesn't need to be a formal picture that you give them? Do you have a nice picture that someone has snapped of you in the past? I know that I have 'couples photos' kicking around of FI and I at christmas, a friends wedding etc. that would all work well.

You seem really stuck on this photo not going on FB. Are there photos that they have already posted online that would work? That way you would not have to worry about a new photo floating around.

Maggie0829 · June 2015

MyNameIsNot said:

Maggie0829 said:

@MyNameIsNot - They aren't married yet. They get married in December. But they had their wedding photos done ahead of time and I am guessing since they are going to be in school they will be away from each other until their wedding in December.

Correct me if I am wrong OP.

It could be a reading fail. I'm probably confused because she's calling them her wedding pics.

Yeah that part is confusing. I just keep telling myself that they are more like bridal portraits (but I guess they would be couple portraits) rather then actual wedding photos.

GuitarSlayer · June 2015

Maggie0829 said:

@MyNameIsNot - They aren't married yet. They get married in December. But they had their wedding photos done ahead of time and I am guessing since they are going to be in school they will be away from each other until their wedding in December.

Correct me if I am wrong OP.

You're correct!

ETA: Grammar fail on my part -- I will be getting married in Dec. 2015.

BouxRadley · June 2015

I'm mostly confused cuz aren't photos meant to be seen? Isn't that kind of like, the point? As long as it's not boudoir or something (which I've seen posted on fb, by a mother, in an AW manner) I don't see why it's a big deal to be sharing a photo of you and your man. Unless you're waiting until after the wedding to release them as actual wedding photos? This thread is all over the place, but both hiding them forever and waiting to release them feel like they could be possibilities from what's been said.

As for the shower, it's happening or it isn't. You may be paranoid, it may be justified, but a shower is something you'll literally NEVER have a say in if you're the guest of honor. Or absentee guest of honor? Either way. If I were you I'd just hope to god she doesn't ask for cash gifts for you and call it a day.

Jen4948 · June 2015

If you don't want to give them a photo or have an announcement, I'd just let your FI tell his parents, "Thanks, but we've decided not to do that." Same with anything else they want that you both aren't okay with.

southernbelle0915 · June 2015

BouxRadley said:

I'm mostly confused cuz aren't photos meant to be seen? Isn't that kind of like, the point? As long as it's not boudoir or something (which I've seen posted on fb, by a mother, in an AW manner) I don't see why it's a big deal to be sharing a photo of you and your man. Unless you're waiting until after the wedding to release them as actual wedding photos? This thread is all over the place, but both hiding them forever and waiting to release them feel like they could be possibilities from what's been said.

As for the shower, it's happening or it isn't. You may be paranoid, it may be justified, but a shower is something you'll literally NEVER have a say in if you're the guest of honor. Or absentee guest of honor? Either way. If I were you I'd just hope to god she doesn't ask for cash gifts for you and call it a day.

To the first bolded - her concern was that her FILs have asked for picture before and when they were like "here you go, but please don't post them on social media", the FILs posted them all over FB. DH and I had wedding photos taken but we didn't post any of them on social media. Some people re-shared or whatever, but we never posted them. They're meant to be seen...by us.

To the second bolded - sure you have a say. Yes or No. People should ask "can I host a shower for you?" at which point the guest of honor says "yes" or "no thanks". The concern here is that FILs will just do it without asking them and it'll be a really rude thing (silent shower) that will reflect badly on them.

Heffalump · June 2015

Girl, be glad your MIL didn't steal your engagement photos like mine did. Awkward.

[Deleted User] · June 2015

I am so confused because it sounds like you have some serious, deep-seeded trust issues with FILs. You don't want them to even have your address? Why?

GuitarSlayer · June 2015

abcdevonn said:

I am so confused because it sounds like you have some serious, deep-seeded trust issues with FILs. You don't want them to even have your address? Why?

We watched a lot of drama play out over FI's brother engagement and wedding. This included FSIL being bombarded by FMIL and FGMIL via phone, mail, text, email, and fax at work. FGMIL insulted her wedding dress. FSIL ended up being manipulated against her own spouse, FBIL. FI is really protective of me and my privacy as a result; the invasive contact with his mom and grandmother did damage to his bro's and SIL's relationship.

I don't like them because they treat FI like crap over our relationship; I've posted previously that they think I'm bad wife material because I'm too intelligent and too independent and have too much of a career to be a proper submissive wife (they're religiously conservative, possibly fundamentalists).

We've given them my postal address several times, in good faith. After the first time, they repeatedly asked for it again, prefacing it each time with "we want to give a gift for Valentine's/your engagement/Christmas/etc" and they never do. After a few months, they ask for it again and "give us her email/phone, we lost that too," even though we never gave those items to them in the first place. This has been going on for almost 3 years. It's a possession/power trip thing, as far as we can tell; like FSIL they want private access to me without going through FI. Problem is, we know what happened to FSIL. We do have a joint email account that they can email me through, but that's not good enough; they want my private account to say God knows what to me.

****
Since this has become a subtopic, what do you do when someone throws you a wedding shower against your will? What happens to the presents? Who does the thank yous?

GuitarSlayer · June 2015

Heffalump said:

Girl, be glad your MIL didn't steal your engagement photos like mine did. Awkward.

....do you mind if I ask to hear this story?

Heffalump · June 2015

GuitarSlayer said:

Heffalump said:

Girl, be glad your MIL didn't steal your engagement photos like mine did. Awkward.

....do you mind if I ask to hear this story?

Oh, it's nothing too special. This is way back in the dark ages of 2005, when photographers still used something called film, and they would give you actual, physical proofs of your photos. (I am so old that our wedding was one of the first our photographer shot 100% digital; our e-pics were still on film.)

We looked at the proofs to decide which prints we wanted to order, and when we went to visit MIL, we brought them along in case she wanted any. (We were picking up the tab, we just wanted to know if there were any in particular that she wanted, rather than just choosing a few at random.) She was looking at them, we ran out to pick up a pizza, and when I got the album back, about a dozen pics were missing. Our photographer had put them in one of those albums where there's a slot for each print, so the empty spaces were pretty glaring.

I asked MIL if she had seen them, and she said no. I asked DH, and he said he hadn't seen them either. This was odd, because at the time, we were the only three people there. DH started poking around, and eventually found them stuck between several pages in a book MIL had been reading. I was all

http://media1.popsugar-assets.com/files/2014/04/23/212/n/4852708/2812da8800d408fc_160x160x54-hushed-face.png.pagespeed.ic.8ECR2ZpNcM.xxxlarge/i/We-think-Shocked-little-guy.jpg

and DH was very

http://pix.iemoji.com/images/emoji/apple/8.3/256/flushed-face.png

When DH asked her, she said she didn't know they were in there.

https://31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mcmckz961k1ro2d43.gif

LondonLisa · June 2015

So these people want a copy of a photo you have already taken, to spread news you are fine with sharing, in a newspaper you don't read, and to people you won't see again. Block it so they can't post it on your FB wall. How does this affect you in any way?

Hmmmm I really fail to see why you are making an issue out of this. No matter what they did in the past, seems like you want a fight and you are using this to air your grievance. Unless they are posting it on porn sites or take out an ad saying "these people murder puppies", how are they using it inappropriately?!

redoryx · June 2015

GuitarSlayer said:

abcdevonn said:

I am so confused because it sounds like you have some serious, deep-seeded trust issues with FILs. You don't want them to even have your address? Why?

We watched a lot of drama play out over FI's brother engagement and wedding. This included FSIL being bombarded by FMIL and FGMIL via phone, mail, text, email, and fax at work. FGMIL insulted her wedding dress. FSIL ended up being manipulated against her own spouse, FBIL. FI is really protective of me and my privacy as a result; the invasive contact with his mom and grandmother did damage to his bro's and SIL's relationship.

I don't like them because they treat FI like crap over our relationship; I've posted previously that they think I'm bad wife material because I'm too intelligent and too independent and have too much of a career to be a proper submissive wife (they're religiously conservative, possibly fundamentalists).

We've given them my postal address several times, in good faith. After the first time, they repeatedly asked for it again, prefacing it each time with "we want to give a gift for Valentine's/your engagement/Christmas/etc" and they never do. After a few months, they ask for it again and "give us her email/phone, we lost that too," even though we never gave those items to them in the first place. This has been going on for almost 3 years. It's a possession/power trip thing, as far as we can tell; like FSIL they want private access to me without going through FI. Problem is, we know what happened to FSIL. We do have a joint email account that they can email me through, but that's not good enough; they want my private account to say God knows what to me.

****
Since this has become a subtopic, what do you do when someone throws you a wedding shower against your will? What happens to the presents? Who does the thank yous?

Well, they can throw it but they can't force you to attend unless they kidnap you and tie you to a chair. So just don't go if you really don't want anything to do with the shower.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2015

GuitarSlayer said:

Maggie0829 said:

I am kind of confused as to why you would elect to take pictures all dressed up in your wedding attire months before your wedding instead of having the actual wedding day photographed. I guess for me I would want the actual day/ceremony documented rather then play dress up months before and then hope that one of your guests get a good shot or two of your ceremony. But to each their own.

Having a pro photographer at the event is a very modern and rather moneyed concept, and it's frankly not necessary. From what I've learned on the board, hosting is primary, so I'm following that addage. The studio is more cost effective than hiring someone for the day; we're on a tight budget, and I rather host everyone properly rather than get photos of us "in action" at a restaurant table. The shoot was under $150; if you know a pro who can do a wedding for that in the NYC area in mid-December, let me know!

In regard to the "play dress up" comment, we've never represented ourselves as married to anyone. Both my parents and grandparents got their photos done in studios. I'm unsure if my grandparents were married at the time, as the photo was taken by government personnel in the postwar as a part of recording the refugees; they got it done when they had a camera in camp. My parents got theirs done when they got their paychecks. My grandparents wore their best, as did my parents, as did I and my partner. We have worn these clothes before, and we will again, just like my grandparents and parents. So no, we're not "playing dress up." We're a young couple with a small budget, and pictures were taken when they were affordable and all the compnents were available (and on the same continent).

Wedding photos in my family are commemorative rather than documentary; my family has never felt the need to have THE SECOND THEY GOT MARRIED recorded. We know it happened, they know it happened, God knows it happened, the neighbour knows it happened. It's nice to know what a person wore and what they looked like at a certain age, but to spend money for "live action photography" seems odd, especially since I hear about how people have watched their wedding DVD once or looked at the whole wedding album twice. What was the point?

Huh?

Are you like Captain America and did you just wake up, after having been frozen since the mid 1940's? This statement is very odd to me.

DO you just mean it's just not your preference to have a photographer at your wedding ceremony and reception? If so, then just say that.

scribe95 said:

This all sounds so strange. Why so worried about photos on social media that you won't even give his parents photos? Sounds odd. And do they need a reason like flowers to have your address? Seems like something they should just have.

Yeah. . .

PrettyGirlLost · June 2015

GuitarSlayer said:

abcdevonn said:

I am so confused because it sounds like you have some serious, deep-seeded trust issues with FILs. You don't want them to even have your address? Why?

We watched a lot of drama play out over FI's brother engagement and wedding. This included FSIL being bombarded by FMIL and FGMIL via phone, mail, text, email, and fax at work. These are all things your FBIL and FSIL allowed to happen, sorry. Calls can be screened- you see it's someone you don't want to talk to, then you don't answer it. Mail and emails can be ignored and thrown away/deleted w/o a response. Why the hell would you give pushy people your work fax number? FGMIL insulted her wedding dress. FSIL ended up being manipulated against her own spouse, FBIL. You can't be manipulated unless you allow yourself to be manipulated. FI is really protective of me and my privacy as a result; the invasive contact with his mom and grandmother did damage to his bro's and SIL's relationship. But they allowed the invasion by not setting up and reinforcing their own boundaries. I can get why yiur FI wants to be on a need to know basis with his family, but giving them a single picture isn't going to open the borders, so to speak.

I don't like them because they treat FI like crap over our relationship; I've posted previously that they think I'm bad wife material because I'm too intelligent and too independent and have too much of a career to be a proper submissive wife (they're religiously conservative, possibly fundamentalists).

We've given them my postal address several times, in good faith. After the first time, they repeatedly asked for it again, prefacing it each time with "we want to give a gift for Valentine's/your engagement/Christmas/etc" and they never do. OK, but it's not like they are sending you glitter bombs, or threats, or anything right? SO they essentially ask for your mailing address and then do absolutley nothing with it. Odd, but whatever. After a few months, they ask for it again and "give us her email/phone, we lost that too," even though we never gave those items to them in the first place. So you just give them the address and ignore the rest. Or you say, "But, you already have our mailing address. I sent it to you on such and such date." and then ignore the rest. Or you just ignore everything. This has been going on for almost 3 years. It's a possession/power trip thing, as far as we can tell; like FSIL they want private access to me without going through FI. Problem is, we know what happened to FSIL. Your FBIL and FSIL LET FBIL's family interfere with their relationship. Your FMIL just having their email address or mailing address or phone number didn't cause drama or screw with their relationship. It sounds like your FI and his siblings either need to break all ties with their parents if they are really this crazy and horrid, or just learn how better to deal with them. We do have a joint email account that they can email me through, but that's not good enough; they want my private account to say God knows what to me.

****
Since this has become a subtopic, what do you do when someone throws you a wedding shower against your will? What happens to the presents? Who does the thank yous?

GuitarSlayer · June 2015

LondonLisa said:

So these people want a copy of a photo you have already taken, to spread news you are fine with sharing, in a newspaper you don't read, and to people you won't see again. Block it so they can't post it on your FB wall. How does this affect you in any way? Hmmmm I really fail to see why you are making an issue out of this. No matter what they did in the past, seems like you want a fight and you are using this to air your grievance. Unless they are posting it on porn sites or take out an ad saying "these people murder puppies", how are they using it inappropriately?!

To clarify, we're not on FB with them. The problem is, anything we sent to them in the past got posted publicly, even when we specifically told them not to. There has also been other info leaked via these posts, such as FI's flight dates, which tells random people when FI's apartment is empty - as someone who grew up in the NY metropolitan area, you don't tell people this stuff on a public page! There are trust issues, to say the least.

My initital question was whether it was appropriate to have an engagement announcement in the paper a year after the fact; board consensus is yes, so we're ok with that now. Because of their past track record, we're suspicious as to whether they'll actually put the wedding announcement in the paper or just put it on fb again or use it on a shower invite (which we won't be attending), as they've lied before about why they want information (it's certainly not to send me flowers or Valetine's Day cards at this point).

As for looking for a fight, we haven't responded to the request yet. We're leaning toward the "we'll do it ourselves, just let us know what paper you want, Dad" option. The fight comes in when FI sets up privacy boundaries, and they just try to smash them to smithereens, saying, "you're a terrible son who hides things from his parents." We're private people who haven't lived with our parents in 10+ years; there's stuff they don't need to know. You can look up my post history for (some of) their shenanigans.

lovegood90 · June 2015

GuitarSlayer said:

LondonLisa said:

So these people want a copy of a photo you have already taken, to spread news you are fine with sharing, in a newspaper you don't read, and to people you won't see again. Block it so they can't post it on your FB wall. How does this affect you in any way? Hmmmm I really fail to see why you are making an issue out of this. No matter what they did in the past, seems like you want a fight and you are using this to air your grievance. Unless they are posting it on porn sites or take out an ad saying "these people murder puppies", how are they using it inappropriately?!

To clarify, we're not on FB with them. The problem is, anything we sent to them in the past got posted publicly, even when we specifically told them not to. There has also been other info leaked via these posts, such as FI's flight dates, which tells random people when FI's apartment is empty - as someone who grew up in the NY metropolitan area, you don't tell people this stuff on a public page! There are trust issues, to say the least.

My initital question was whether it was appropriate to have an engagement announcement in the paper a year after the fact; board consensus is yes, so we're ok with that now. Because of their past track record, we're suspicious as to whether they'll actually put the wedding announcement in the paper or just put it on fb again or use it on a shower invite (which we won't be attending), as they've lied before about why they want information (it's certainly not to send me flowers or Valetine's Day cards at this point).

As for looking for a fight, we haven't responded to the request yet. We're leaning toward the "we'll do it ourselves, just let us know what paper you want, Dad" option. The fight comes in when FI sets up privacy boundaries, and they just try to smash them to smithereens, saying, "you're a terrible son who hides things from his parents." We're private people who haven't lived with our parents in 10+ years; there's stuff they don't need to know. You can look up my post history for (some of) their shenanigans.

If they have a history of revealing information that you do not want revealed, then stop giving them information. So if they're asking for a picture and you don't want them to display it publicly anywhere, then don't send them a picture. I don't see what the issue is? If they have a history of not respecting your privacy, then stop giving them opportunities.

spglsp · June 2015

GuitarSlayer said:

The lightbulb went on over both our heads when we read that! Thank you! FI will talk to his father over which paper to put it in. It would also suss out whether they actually were going to publish the announcement or if they were going to get the picture just to have it. They've asked for my address in the past "in order to send GS flowers," but they never did it. They just wanted that piece of information on me to possess. It's really crappy to wait for flowers that never come.

This piece really stood out to me. You talk about them getting your address like it's some kind of win for their team. You're also painting them having a copy of your wedding picture with the same brush, like they're winning some indecipherable war of passive aggression. It's giving the impression that the drama here isn't only about what they're doing, it's also about how you're choosing to look at it. I'm really having a hard time understanding what the worst case scenario is with them having a picture of you. Are they going to use it as a dart board? Print flyers and hand them out at the grocery? If they did, would it really matter? I guess what I'm saying is the only way to break the drama cycle here is by not participating and while you were on the right track by slowing the tide of information, it sounds like you're still letting them run your lives by obsessing over minutia.

novella1186 · June 2015

spglsp said:

GuitarSlayer said:

The lightbulb went on over both our heads when we read that! Thank you! FI will talk to his father over which paper to put it in. It would also suss out whether they actually were going to publish the announcement or if they were going to get the picture just to have it. They've asked for my address in the past "in order to send GS flowers," but they never did it. They just wanted that piece of information on me to possess. It's really crappy to wait for flowers that never come.

This piece really stood out to me. You talk about them getting your address like it's some kind of win for their team. You're also painting them having a copy of your wedding picture with the same brush, like they're winning some indecipherable war of passive aggression. It's giving the impression that the drama here isn't only about what they're doing, it's also about how you're choosing to look at it. I'm really having a hard time understanding what the worst case scenario is with them having a picture of you. Are they going to use it as a dart board? Print flyers and hand them out at the grocery? If they did, would it really matter? I guess what I'm saying is the only way to break the drama cycle here is by not participating and while you were on the right track by slowing the tide of information, it sounds like you're still letting them run your lives by obsessing over minutia.

QFT

GuitarSlayer · June 2015

Update on the entire situation: FI spoke to his father to clarify the request, and what the parents wanted to do was use the wedding photos in a wedding announcement in the paper with Names, Date of Wedding, Location of Wedding, and Time. This would run before the wedding took place.

Annnnnd nope. That information feels like it belongs on the invites, and our wedding is not a public event. It's in a totally different state, but I still don't feel comfy publicizing the event beyond those actually attending. I told we would run the announcement after we were married. The father didn't get mad, but then he asked, "Can we have the photos anyway?"

Sigh. They will get copies either at the reception or in a thank you note. Not til then.

lovegood90 · June 2015

GuitarSlayer said:
Update on the entire situation: FI spoke to his father to clarify the request, and what the parents wanted to do was use the wedding photos in a wedding announcement in the paper with Names, Date of Wedding, Location of Wedding, and Time. This would run before the wedding took place.

Annnnnd nope. That information feels like it belongs on the invites, and our wedding is not a public event. It's in a totally different state, but I still don't feel comfy publicizing the event beyond those actually attending. I told we would run the announcement after we were married. The father didn't get mad, but then he asked, "Can we have the photos anyway?"

Sigh. They will get copies either at the reception or in a thank you note. Not til then.

It sounds like the best solution, considering they have a history of making information public that you want to keep private.

mollybarker11 · June 2015

I don't really understand why these latest pictures were so central to the commotion? They could have submitted an engagement announcement using an older photo, or no photo at all. Same goes for the shower invitations. (For lurkers with similar questions: I've seen lots of engagement announcements with amateur pictures in my local paper, and I've never received a shower invitation that had a picture on it.)

Anyway, it seems like you were right to be wary of their intentions. Glad your FFIL is being understanding about the difference between engagement announcements and wedding announcements.

mollybarker11 · June 2015

And I know there are trust issues to begin with due to the manipulation / harassment of your FSIL and creepy attempts to get your contact information, so take this as you will:

From an outsider's perspective it seems like they probably want to have pictures of you two in general because you live overseas & they miss their son & they like to show him off to their friends. All of which strikes me as Typical Parent stuff and nothing insidious. It's the modern-day equivalent of showing off the pictures in your wallet when you bump into a friend at the grocery store. If I were in your shoes I'd find it a little groan-worthy but I wouldn't lose any sleep over it.

To you it probably all seems connected -- and maybe it is -- but to me the facebook stuff seems like a separate and simpler problem, ie old people being bad at technology. Maybe this is one small aspect of your relationship that could be smoothed over. If they will learn to manage their privacy settings, you will share more with them. They don't feel so left out, and you don't feel so exposed.

Updated Title: Wrangling FILs and Photographs

Re: Updated Title: Wrangling FILs and Photographs

Choose Another Board

Search Boards