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Do you ask parents of ring bearer and flower girl first?

[Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
This seems like it might be an obvious question, but I honestly do not know. My fiance and I have decided that we'd like one of my cousin's sons to be our ring bearer (he's aged 8), and one of his cousin's daughters (she's aged 4) to be our flower girl. Do we let their parents know we'd like to ask their children to be in our wedding party even though they won't be as a courtesy before we ask their children?
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Re: Do you ask parents of ring bearer and flower girl first?

  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
    First Answer First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2015
    Knottie19963947 said:
    This seems like it might be an obvious question, but I honestly do not know. My fiance and I have decided that we'd like one of my cousin's sons to be our ring bearer (he's aged 8), and one of his cousin's daughters (she's aged 4) to be our flower girl. Do we let their parents know we'd like to ask their children to be in our wedding party even though they won't be as a courtesy before we ask their children?
    Yes. Ask the parents first.

    Edited for clarity
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    edited June 2015
    My flower girl is my bridesmaid's daughter and my ring bearers are my fi's nephews.  I asked their parents ahead of time privately (without the kids around) to be in the wedding.   Each set of parents asked/told their children about the invitation into the bridal party and they got back to me.  I thought it would be best for the parents to have that discussion.  I originally wanted my god daughter to be in my wedding, but when I mentioned it to her mom, she basically told me that she would have no interest in that role.  She's doesn't like to get dressed up and is very shy.    I would have felt awful if I asked the child directly and they felt put on the spot.    

    Ask the parents first privately.  It takes money and time to be in a wedding.  A child's parents are usually the ones that are going to pay for the attire and bring the children to the ceremony; therefore, it's really their decision.   The parent might also take into account the child's age, maturity and other factors in accepting the role.   It's not just the child's decision.  Don't ask the kids first, let the parents have that conversation with them.  You don't want to get a kid excited and then have the parent say no. 
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    well I didn't have a FG or RB, but I did have minor WP members.  We asked the parents first.   Since the parents are directly affected,  why wouldn't you?  They have to buy the attire, schlep them around.     You also have to invite the parents to the RD if you are having one.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • princessleia22princessleia22 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer

    Absolutely, ask the parents first.  They have to buy attire and get the kids ready, so it's a responsibility for them also.  Plus, what if the parents aren't even available to go to your wedding for some reason?

    We wanted my 6 year old niece to be a bridesmaid. My sister was very hesitant about it because she didn't want my niece to get impatient and ruin the wedding.  With a FG/RB, you can have them sit down, but bridesmaid is expected to stand up the whole time.  I had to reassure my sister that our ceremony was going to be very short (it was just over 5 minutes long), niece was welcome to sit during the ceremony if she wanted, and we wouldn't be upset if the kids got rowdy (that's a risk of having kids involved). My sister finally decided to allow my niece to be in the wedding, and she fulfilled the role perfectly.

    image 

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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Comment
    Thank you, everyone! Will go ahead and ask the parents first.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2015

    I would ask the parents first so that you don't build up the kids' expectations only to disappoint them if their parents say no.

    Edited to add: Also, it helps to go over with the parents what your expectations are of the kids first: Do they need to be at a rehearsal and/or dinner?  What do they wear?  Who pays for it?  What, if anything, do they actually carry down the aisle? When? That way, if the parents approve, they can help explain to the kids what you have in mind.

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  • loveislouderloveislouder member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    We had a bridesmaid that was 14 and we asked her parents first just because we knew they'd be buying the dress for her. 
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  • annakay511annakay511 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    Definitely ask the parents first. Ultimately, the parent will be spending money on their attire and making sure they get to the rehearsal and the wedding. 
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