Uninvited guest

Crikit33 · June 2015

I have a dilemma. My daughter is getting married soon, and she invited my cousin who babysat her when she was young, but not my cousin's husband due to his racist views. The whole family knows he's a racist, it's the elephant in the room - my open-minded daughter wants nothing to do with him.

My cousin just RSVP'd an acceptance for both herself and her husband. This really makes me mad, but I'm looking for advice - what would you do?

AddieCake · June 2015

While appalling and deplorable, being a racist isn't a crime, and your cousin's husband should have been invited with his spouse. If your daughter doesn't want him there, she can always call your cousin and tell her so.

CMGragain · June 2015

Your daughter should have invited him with his wife in the first place. Racism is despicable. but it is not a reason to not invite the spouse or S/O of a guest. Maybe you could have a chat with your cousin and tell her your concerns. I'm guessing that he will behave himself at your daughter's wedding.
My daughter had a similar issue with Grandma (my late mother). Fortunately, Mom decided not to attend, since daughter's husband is from another race. I even offered to give Mom some white sheets so she could wrap them around herself at the reception. I guess that didn't help. Ha!

Crikit33 · June 2015

Oh, I called my cousin before the save the dates went out, explaining my daughter's feelings in order to head off drama. She asked if my daughter would speak to her husband so he could explain that he's not really racist, or more likely to let him hear that even the young people are appalled by the things he says. My daughter declined - it's not her job to fix this man.

What confounds me is who just pencils somebody in, especially after a conversation has taken place?

AddieCake · June 2015

Crikit33 said:

Oh, I called my cousin before the save the dates went out, explaining my daughter's feelings in order to head off drama. She asked if my daughter would speak to her husband so he could explain that he's not really racist, or more likely to let him hear that even the young people are appalled by the things he says. My daughter declined - it's not her job to fix this man.

What confounds me is who just pencils somebody in, especially after a conversation has taken place?

Possibly someone who knows etiquette is being breached, despite this conversation. Again, it was wrong not to invite him. The fact that you didn't is what's confounding to me.

hyechica81 · June 2015

you both did a no no he should have been invited regardless of what his views are on other races if you didn't want him there then you shouldn't have send an invite to the wife.

she had every right to pencil him in because he should have been on the invite to begin with, leaving him off was rude and tacky

in terms of invites anyone with a spouse or s/o also gets the invite to the wedding. if someone is single you dont have to extend a plus one unless you want to.

justsie · June 2015

Crikit33 said:

I have a dilemma. My daughter is getting married soon, and she invited my cousin who babysat her when she was young, but not my cousin's husband due to his racist views. The whole family knows he's a racist, it's the elephant in the room - my open-minded daughter wants nothing to do with him.

My cousin just RSVP'd an acceptance for both herself and her husband. This really makes me mad, but I'm looking for advice - what would you do?

I agree with PPs, you made the first blunder by not inviting his racist ass.

annakay511 · June 2015

It was your daughter's faux pas to not invite the husband. Even though he is a racist jerk, it's not socially acceptable to separate couples. So, the cousin was correct in RSVPing with her husband. Either the husband can come, or the cousin will not come. Your daughter will have to decide what's more important to her.

[Deleted User] · June 2015

What everyone else said. My mother's best friend will not be getting an invitation to my wedding because she is married to a racist asshole. The result of being married to a douchecanoe is that you don't get invited to places where nice people hang out. Couples get invited together or they get to stay home together. You don't get to have it both ways.

climbingsingle · June 2015

Your daughter was in the wrong to not invite the husband. I get it - I'm a bleeding heart liberal with no tolerance for views like that. But she then should have not invited your cousin as well. They're a social unit and need to be invited together or not at all.

Jen4948 · June 2015

I would have invited neither. Unfortunately, etiquette doesn't allow any way to invite one member of a couple without the other unless there is a restraining order against the one you want to exclude and/or s/he poses a physical danger to others there. Racism is horrible and deplorable, but the only way to exclude a coupled racist is to also exclude their spouse/SO.

MyNameIsNot · June 2015

Your daughter was wrong to exclude the husband while inviting the cousin, and she should have expected that the cousin would RSVP for both of them.

Your daughter either needs to suck it up and get over it, or call the cousin and rescind the invitation. The cousin is obviously not ok with her marriage being insulted like this; there is no way she's coming alone.

JuneKnottie · June 2015

I think the problem begins with your post title: "Uninvited Guest." The cousin is married, she and her husband are a unit, so there is nothing wrong with assuming that the invite is to both of them. You invite one and it is assumed and implied that the other is invited. He sure sounds like a dick, and that's a bummer, but you can't control that. You were simply in the wrong to only invite one half of a married couple. Allow them both to come and move on. You've made your point.

thatgirl2 · June 2015

I also would not have invited either party. I'm facing some similar issues, in our case we aren't inviting either party. My understanding of invites is that if you invite your friend/family member and she's married/engaged, that you should also invite her SO. I've also always heard that couples living together and/or that have been together for several years, the same rule applies. So for example, I assume two of my cousins will bring their SO's. Although they aren't married/engaged or living together, they've both been dating their SO for 5+ years.

Viczaesar · June 2015

SamanthaSara said:

I also would not have invited either party. I'm facing some similar issues, in our case we aren't inviting either party. My understanding of invites is that if you invite your friend/family member and she's married/engaged, that you should also invite her SO. I've also always heard that couples living together and/or that have been together for several years, the same rule applies. So for example, I assume two of my cousins will bring their SO's. Although they aren't married/engaged or living together, they've both been dating their SO for 5+ years.

The rule about inviting significant others applies regardless of how long they've been together, whether or not they live together, and whether or not they're engaged or married. If they consider themselves to be in a relationship when the invitations go out (assuming they go out at the normal time of 6-8 weeks before the wedding), they both need to be invited.

[Deleted User] · June 2015

Viczaesar said:

SamanthaSara said:

I also would not have invited either party. I'm facing some similar issues, in our case we aren't inviting either party. My understanding of invites is that if you invite your friend/family member and she's married/engaged, that you should also invite her SO. I've also always heard that couples living together and/or that have been together for several years, the same rule applies. So for example, I assume two of my cousins will bring their SO's. Although they aren't married/engaged or living together, they've both been dating their SO for 5+ years.

The rule about inviting significant others applies regardless of how long they've been together, whether or not they live together, and whether or not they're engaged or married. If they consider themselves to be in a relationship when the invitations go out (assuming they go out at the normal time of 6-8 weeks before the wedding), they both need to be invited.

Yes. This. It's not up to you to determine the seriousness of someone else's relationship. If they've been dating for two days, and consider themselves a couple, do couple-y things together, and expect to be invited to things together, you should invite them both.

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