Etiquette
Knottie28613459
member
2nd Cousins Not Invited to Wedding- FMIL would like to make an exception.
in Etiquette
We are 36 days away from our wedding, and about 12 days away from needing RSVP's to be turned in. We decided to have a "mostly" kid free wedding. The only children invited are my Fiance's nieces and nephews (there are 6 of them ages: 7,6,5,4, 12mo, 12mo). No other guest are under 21. We justified this since they are immediate family. Both my fiance and I have large extended families. I am the youngest grandchild on both sides of my family, most of my 1st cousins have children. We decided to draw the line on invites at 1st cousins. No second cousins.
Now the problem. On my FMIL's side of the family her brother & his wife raise their grandchildren (my fiance's 2nd cousins). The children are not exactly children anymore (ages 13, 16 & 19). We did not invite these 3 to the wedding. We were careful in addressing our invites to just the adult couples hoping to avoid any confusion. Well we received their RSVP back and they included the 3 children on the response card.
I spoke to my FMIL about the situation, she thinks we should just let the 3 children come. The only way I can justify having the 3 children come is to let everyone else bring their children. Now everyone else in our families have made arrangements for their children including out of town family members. After figuring out how many 2nd cousins we would need to invite to avoid hurt feelings it proves much too costly for us to be able to accommodate (most children are over the age of 12). My FMIL is worried her Brother & Sister-in-law may not come because their grand kids cannot come. I'm worried that we will experience hurt feeling from my side of the family as well as my FFIL's family and end up with a larger scale mess on our hands by just letting the 3 children come.
I'm hurt that my fiance's Uncle & Aunt may not attend over this. I hate to feel this way but I feel as if they are being somewhat selfish here, my fiance and I consider ourselves very selfless people and really want to make everyone happy here. I just don't think that's possible here. Does anyone have any suggestions?
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Re: 2nd Cousins Not Invited to Wedding- FMIL would like to make an exception.
Your FMIL has no right to make you invite these kids (unless she's paying).
You are under no obligation to let them come.
BUT if you do let them come, you are under no obligation to invite extra kids.
Your FI can call these people up and say "I'm sorry. The invitation was just for you two. We hope you can still come." No explanation is needed. Inviting no children except your immediate family is perfectly acceptable and you don't need to apologize for it. Now, if they try to accuse you of not inviting them because they aren't their blood-children, you're free to tell them you're only inviting children in the immediate family (though you aren't required to justify yourself).
Just realize they might not want to go anywhere without their children and they might decline. That's any parent's prerogative.
Now... the other course of action is letting it go. In this case you do not need to invite other people's kids. Inviting in circles can help with hurt feelings but it's not mandatory. And if anyone is rude enough to comment on their presence to you, you can always say "we invited first cousins and they have been raised like our first cousins." But again... you don't have to explain yourself. You can invite who you want to your own wedding.
And an extra:
This is completely unhelpful and somewhat pretentious, but some people may find interesting:
Your FI's first-cousin's children aren't his second-cousins. They are his first-cousins, once removed. The first/second/third etc is decided by the common-ancestor. The common ancestor is your FI's grandparents, so these kids are still a first cousin, but removed by one generation. Now, your kids would be these kids' second cousins, because they'd share great-grandparents.
Unfortunately, saying anything in addition to "We can only accommodate Invited Guests" often gives the guests in question ammunition for pushback.
If you say that you can't afford to accommodate their uninvited guests, they offer to pay for them. If you say that there's no room, they'll respond that their guests can sit in another room, on their laps, etc. If it's a baby or a kid who wasn't invited, they say that they can't find a babysitter, the baby will sleep through it all, is so cute, it's a great learning experience for the kid, everyone wants to see the kid, etc. If it was the date of an unattached single, they complain about having to attend alone while everyone else gets to bring a partner, etc. And you get drawn into a never-ending argument which doesn't end in their understanding that their guests are not welcome because they're not invited.
Obviously this doesn't happen every time, but in order to keep them from pushing back, it's best not to give them anything to push back with.