Wedding Woes

Friend's wedding getting out of hand

I am in my friend's wedding next weekend (July 4th weekend) and just received an itinerary in the mail for Wednesday through Sunday (she is getting married on the 5th). She is really expecting quite a bit from her bridesmaids in both their time and money. The wedding is several hours from where I live so my family got another hotel room so that they could come up and at least spend part of the day on the 4th with me. Well according to her itinerary, all bridesmaids are expected to partake in "pre-wedding activities" the entire day of the 4th. These are not the traditional getting your nails done for the wedding type of activities but instead riding tandem bikes as a group and going to laser tag. I'll also state that this day is not supposed to be the bachelorette party, as that is planned for Wednesday. How can I tell her with as much tact as possible that I need to spend time with my family for part of the day that day? I really feel she is over planning the bridesmaids and needs to realize that she is having her wedding on a holiday weekend which is usually spent with family. I of course want her to have a wonderful wedding day and will do everything to make it special for her, but I feel I should have some say in what I am doing the day before. Please, any advice would be helpful! 

Re: Friend's wedding getting out of hand

  • Tell her that you're sorry, but you're only available on the 5th that weekend-the only day she is entitled to your company. Don't bring up your family or otherwise give explanations of why you aren't otherwise available or complain that she's demanding too much of your time, because she'll respond, to them, if at all, with dismissiveness, indifference, and/or defensiveness. Don't give her the opportunity to do that by engaging her.
  • Just tell her that you want to spend some time with your family instead of doing those things. She is asking too much expecting you guys to do all that. I don't know why some couples do that shit, thinking everybody wants to bond and be together taking several days to celebrate them.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • Hahahaha tandem bikes and laser tag.

    Seriously, just say you're sorry, but you already made other plans for that day and are not available.
  • Hootmon said:
    I am in my friend's wedding next weekend (July 4th weekend) and just received an itinerary in the mail for Wednesday through Sunday (she is getting married on the 5th). She is really expecting quite a bit from her bridesmaids in both their time and money. The wedding is several hours from where I live so my family got another hotel room so that they could come up and at least spend part of the day on the 4th with me. Well according to her itinerary, all bridesmaids are expected to partake in "pre-wedding activities" the entire day of the 4th. These are not the traditional getting your nails done for the wedding type of activities but instead riding tandem bikes as a group and going to laser tag. I'll also state that this day is not supposed to be the bachelorette party, as that is planned for Wednesday. How can I tell her with as much tact as possible that I need to spend time with my family for part of the day that day? I really feel she is over planning the bridesmaids and needs to realize that she is having her wedding on a holiday weekend which is usually spent with family. I of course want her to have a wonderful wedding day and will do everything to make it special for her, but I feel I should have some say in what I am doing the day before. Please, any advice would be helpful! 
    OP, I agree with what other posters are saying, tell your friend that you are not available, but that you will be there for the wedding. I wish other brides would come and read this so they get the picture of how it can feel to be in the wedding party with a demanding bride/groom......
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited June 2015

    Honesty is the best policy... "Wow!  It's your wedding weekend already!  Hey, my family is coming in to town on Saturday and I'm going to spend some time on the 4th with them as we traditionally to together each year, what are the specific getting ready for the wedding activities you need me there for on Saturday? (I.e. rehearsal, setting up the reception type "must" things)

    Really, from what you said it sounds like it's just that one full day the day before her wedding where the activities aren't really wedding related but bonding related that's the issue... 

    (and ... just saying... who wants to do sunburn worthy activities the day before their wedding?!?!?!)


  • I know this is rude but I am now wondering if I would be considered just as crazy to plan the day before the weddings to have the whole WP go to a late breakfast and then splitting up for the girly wedding prep and bachelorette and guys can go to the race track and then the bachelor party? 

    We did through around the idea of laser tag after breakfast but I am afraid we might end up with people being frustrated. 

    I would hate to find out that my WP is complaining but we all love to have a fun time and hang out....we don't tend to have the whole group together. Just asking under this thread since it's the topic. (We are getting married Dec 19, 2015)
  • I know this is rude but I am now wondering if I would be considered just as crazy to plan the day before the weddings to have the whole WP go to a late breakfast and then splitting up for the girly wedding prep and bachelorette and guys can go to the race track and then the bachelor party? 

    We did through around the idea of laser tag after breakfast but I am afraid we might end up with people being frustrated. 

    I would hate to find out that my WP is complaining but we all love to have a fun time and hang out....we don't tend to have the whole group together. Just asking under this thread since it's the topic. (We are getting married Dec 19, 2015)
    What is girly wedding prep?  Regardless, you don't get to dictate what they do the day before the wedding.  You and your FI should not be planning his bachelor party.



  • MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    MesmrEwe said:

    Honesty is the best policy... "Wow!  It's your wedding weekend already!  Hey, my family is coming in to town on Saturday and I'm going to spend some time on the 4th with them as we traditionally to together each year, what are the specific getting ready for the wedding activities you need me there for on Saturday? (I.e. rehearsal, setting up the reception type "must" things)

    Really, from what you said it sounds like it's just that one full day the day before her wedding where the activities aren't really wedding related but bonding related that's the issue... 

    (and ... just saying... who wants to do sunburn worthy activities the day before their wedding?!?!?!)


    There should be NO "getting ready for the wedding activities" that any member of a wedding party is mandated to attend. There is most definitely no such thing as a "setting up the reception" activity that would be required. A rehearsal and dinner would be the only legitimate wedding-eve event, and even that would not be mandatory.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2015
    I know this is rude but I am now wondering if I would be considered just as crazy to plan the day before the weddings to have the whole WP go to a late breakfast and then splitting up for the girly wedding prep and bachelorette and guys can go to the race track and then the bachelor party? 

    We did through around the idea of laser tag after breakfast but I am afraid we might end up with people being frustrated. 

    I would hate to find out that my WP is complaining but we all love to have a fun time and hang out....we don't tend to have the whole group together. Just asking under this thread since it's the topic. (We are getting married Dec 19, 2015)

    I think it's ok to ask if people want to join you for that stuff, but don't make them feel like it's stuff they need to participate in. Each person involved may or may not be interested in any of that. Personally, I would not enjoy breakfast, then nails or whatever I'm assuming "girly wedding prep" means all day, and then a bachelorette party at night. That's a full day followed by another full day with your wedding the next day. No thanks.

    And is your rehearsal dinner going to be this day as well?
     

    Also, your wedding is on a Saturday, so I would have to take the day off work the day before to do all this. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • I know this is rude but I am now wondering if I would be considered just as crazy to plan the day before the weddings to have the whole WP go to a late breakfast and then splitting up for the girly wedding prep and bachelorette and guys can go to the race track and then the bachelor party? 

    We did through around the idea of laser tag after breakfast but I am afraid we might end up with people being frustrated. 

    I would hate to find out that my WP is complaining but we all love to have a fun time and hang out....we don't tend to have the whole group together. Just asking under this thread since it's the topic. (We are getting married Dec 19, 2015)
    Honestly, yeah, I think that would be a bit much.  Your wedding is a Saturday, so you're asking people to take Friday off to go play laser tag.  And you're asking them to do it during the holiday season where they are probably also trying to accommodate family plans, shopping, and other last minute holiday stuff.  Personally, if I'm going to take a day off the week before Christmas knowing that I'll have at least one full day that I'm devoting to be in someone's wedding - then I'm using that day to get my own stuff done - laundry, errands, wrapping Christmas presents, grocery shopping for Christmas dinner, etc.  Not laser tag and the race track.  Unless of course someone in your wedding party is planning this and throwing these parties for you - because they are the ones who should be planning bachelor/ette parties, not you.
  • Viczaesar said:
    I know this is rude but I am now wondering if I would be considered just as crazy to plan the day before the weddings to have the whole WP go to a late breakfast and then splitting up for the girly wedding prep and bachelorette and guys can go to the race track and then the bachelor party? 

    We did through around the idea of laser tag after breakfast but I am afraid we might end up with people being frustrated. 

    I would hate to find out that my WP is complaining but we all love to have a fun time and hang out....we don't tend to have the whole group together. Just asking under this thread since it's the topic. (We are getting married Dec 19, 2015)
    What is girly wedding prep?  Regardless, you don't get to dictate what they do the day before the wedding.  You and your FI should not be planning his bachelor party.
    We aren't, his BM is. 
  • jacques27 said:
    I know this is rude but I am now wondering if I would be considered just as crazy to plan the day before the weddings to have the whole WP go to a late breakfast and then splitting up for the girly wedding prep and bachelorette and guys can go to the race track and then the bachelor party? 

    We did through around the idea of laser tag after breakfast but I am afraid we might end up with people being frustrated. 

    I would hate to find out that my WP is complaining but we all love to have a fun time and hang out....we don't tend to have the whole group together. Just asking under this thread since it's the topic. (We are getting married Dec 19, 2015)
    Honestly, yeah, I think that would be a bit much.  Your wedding is a Saturday, so you're asking people to take Friday off to go play laser tag.  And you're asking them to do it during the holiday season where they are probably also trying to accommodate family plans, shopping, and other last minute holiday stuff.  Personally, if I'm going to take a day off the week before Christmas knowing that I'll have at least one full day that I'm devoting to be in someone's wedding - then I'm using that day to get my own stuff done - laundry, errands, wrapping Christmas presents, grocery shopping for Christmas dinner, etc.  Not laser tag and the race track.  Unless of course someone in your wedding party is planning this and throwing these parties for you - because they are the ones who should be planning bachelor/ette parties, not you.
    I understand and we agree on it not being mandatory, I don't think anything should be mandatory other than the wedding ceremony. However, my FI and I know that over half of our wedding party is flying in and most of them had said they are coming for the rehearsal, which is the Thursday before. We were tossing ideas around about how to fill the time for those who want to get toghether the day between the rehearsal and wedding. As we are getting closer I am thinking that I would love to spend the morning before the wedding with my FI before the guys steal him in the afternoon. We all love the activities and it was in a discussion with the WP that we threw around those ideas and it was a groomsman and two bridesmaids that came up with laser tag. 

    I have no clue about any plans for the BP, I only know that the Best Man told me his plans for the afternoon and that he has a surprise Bachelor Party planned for my FI. I don't expect a bachelorette party but I'd like to have a girls night for the ladies that are game...maybe paint our nails and watch a chick flick or what not. 
  • Really, it's just like anything else.  You can offer up activities, people can say no.  As long as you understand that, I think you're fine. 

    I'd do an invitation formally (IDK if you're sending anything out), but then maybe take a moment to personally tell each person, "I'd love it if you can come, please know if you can't I understand". Or just present it as, "Hey, we've planned this thing.  Let us know if you are joining us."  Keeping it casual and low-pressure is really the key. 
  • To OP:  Is the itinerary you were sent mandatory?  Like, 'YOU WILL PLAY LASER TAG OR WE WILL BURN YOU WITH REAL LASERS!!"  Or is it just like a "these are events that we have planned for the week and if you could join us that'd be great?"

    We rented our venue for three days so we've invited our bridal party to help us set up on the Friday before knowing that it would mean they'd have to take off work and totally understanding if they can't.  Same for the day after the wedding when we're going back to the venue to break down.  The only events that people really NEED to attend are the rehearsal and the wedding itself.  Everything else is totally optional.
  • MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    To OP:  Is the itinerary you were sent mandatory?  Like, 'YOU WILL PLAY LASER TAG OR WE WILL BURN YOU WITH REAL LASERS!!"  Or is it just like a "these are events that we have planned for the week and if you could join us that'd be great?"

    We rented our venue for three days so we've invited our bridal party to help us set up on the Friday before knowing that it would mean they'd have to take off work and totally understanding if they can't.  Same for the day after the wedding when we're going back to the venue to break down.  The only events that people really NEED to attend are the rehearsal and the wedding itself.  Everything else is totally optional.
    There is no such thing as an "invitation" to do jobs for which you, and you alone, are responsible. To even lay that potential guilt on your wedding party is shameful. Knowing they would have to LOSE money/benefits to perform free labor for you is absurd to even consider asking of them. If you understand why they can't, the question should never have been raised.
  • We fully intended / prepared to do all the decorating ourselves until my MOH told me she'd taken off work to help us.  We then decided to let the rest of the bridal party know what was going on and the reaction has been really positive.  Thus far one of my bridesmaids and my bridesman have said they're in, as have two of the groomsmen.  

    Also, what's the point of having a bridal party at all if you're not allowed to ask them for help with wedding related things?  Doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.


  • Also, what's the point of having a bridal party at all if you're not allowed to ask them for help with wedding related things?  Doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.
    The fact that they are your closest friends is the point.  Wedding party =/= free labor.
  • We fully intended / prepared to do all the decorating ourselves until my MOH told me she'd taken off work to help us.  We then decided to let the rest of the bridal party know what was going on and the reaction has been really positive.  Thus far one of my bridesmaids and my bridesman have said they're in, as have two of the groomsmen.  

    Also, what's the point of having a bridal party at all if you're not allowed to ask them for help with wedding related things?  Doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.
    To honor them. That's the entire point of having a wedding party.  YOU honor THEM for their significant role in your life.  It's an honorary, ceremonial role. 



  • MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited July 2015
    BrinkyDink16 said: We fully intended / prepared to do all the decorating ourselves until my MOH told me she'd taken off work to help us.  We then decided to let the rest of the bridal party know what was going on and the reaction has been really positive.  Thus far one of my bridesmaids and my bridesman have said they're in, as have two of the groomsmen.  
    Also, what's the point of having a bridal party at all if you're not allowed to ask them for help with wedding related things?  Doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.




    What does not make sense is assuming your bridal party plays double duty as your free labor. Your MOH did what friends will often do, and that is volunteer their time and talents.  She did so without guilt or pressure motivating her.   Your "invitation" to the remainder of your bridal party created guilt and pressure for them to follow suit.  

    As others have said, the point of a bridal party is to honor significant people who have been in your life.

     I personally do not believe in asking others for typical or routine help.  If I have a job to do, I find a way to do it myself or hire someone.  
  • To OP:  Is the itinerary you were sent mandatory?  Like, 'YOU WILL PLAY LASER TAG OR WE WILL BURN YOU WITH REAL LASERS!!"  Or is it just like a "these are events that we have planned for the week and if you could join us that'd be great?"

    We rented our venue for three days so we've invited our bridal party to help us set up on the Friday before knowing that it would mean they'd have to take off work and totally understanding if they can't.  Same for the day after the wedding when we're going back to the venue to break down.  The only events that people really NEED to attend are the rehearsal and the wedding itself.  Everything else is totally optional.

    If you can afford to rent your venue for three days, then couldn't you have paid someone to set up and break down the day of instead? It just seems like that would be easier for you and your FI, plus your bridal party wouldn't be missing work to come help y'all.
    image


  • edited July 2015
    >Also, what's the point of having a bridal party at all if you're not allowed to ask them for help with wedding related things?  Doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. 

    This has been said before but I'm compelled to repeat it. The POINT is to honor them by asking them to stand up with you and your FI to witness your marriage. They are not there as props or free labor. They are guests of honor. That is the entire point. If they offer to help (and many will) of course you can accept. It's considered rude to ask though and the fact that you actually think the entire point of a WP is to help you with tasks is...is just beyond.
  • edited July 2015
    MobKaz said:
    We fully intended / prepared to do all the decorating ourselves until my MOH told me she'd taken off work to help us.  We then decided to let the rest of the bridal party know what was going on and the reaction has been really positive.  Thus far one of my bridesmaids and my bridesman have said they're in, as have two of the groomsmen.  

    Also, what's the point of having a bridal party at all if you're not allowed to ask them for help with wedding related things?  Doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.





    What does not make sense is assuming your bridal party plays double duty as your free labor. Your MOH did what friends will often do, and that is volunteer their time and talents.  She did so without guilt or pressure motivating her.   Your "invitation" to the remainder of your bridal party created guilt and pressure for them to follow suit.  

    As others have said, the point of a bridal party is to honor significant people who have been in your life.

     I personally do not believe in asking others for typical or routine help.  If I have a job to do, I find a way to do it myself or hire someone.  
    ********************************BOXES************************************

    Exactly this.  For example, I'm at a point in my life where I don't ask for help to move.  If I am adult enough to buy a house or move into a new apartment, I pack up myself and hire movers to do the heavy lifting.  Nobody I know wants to be asked to help move in exchange for pizza and beer.  We did that in our early twenties, not now.  Hire someone, or do it yourself.  
  • adk19 said:
    Exactly this.  For example, I'm at a point in my life where I don't ask for help to move.  If I am adult enough to buy a house or move into a new apartment, I pack up myself and hire movers to do the heavy lifting.  Nobody I know wants to be asked to help move in exchange for pizza and beer.  We did that in our early twenties, not now.  Hire someone, or do it yourself.  
    ^^^ I recently saw one of my high school classmates put out this exact request on their FB page - looking for people to help them move, and don't worry, they will get you pizza. 

    My first thought was "You're 31/32, hire some damn movers - and if you're going this route, you could at least have offered some booze, too..."
  • To OP:  Is the itinerary you were sent mandatory?  Like, 'YOU WILL PLAY LASER TAG OR WE WILL BURN YOU WITH REAL LASERS!!"  Or is it just like a "these are events that we have planned for the week and if you could join us that'd be great?"

    We rented our venue for three days so we've invited our bridal party to help us set up on the Friday before knowing that it would mean they'd have to take off work and totally understanding if they can't.  Same for the day after the wedding when we're going back to the venue to break down.  The only events that people really NEED to attend are the rehearsal and the wedding itself.  Everything else is totally optional.
    I promise if you go through with this the setup and tear down are going to be what people remember about your wedding. Of course they are not going to complain to your face, they will probably complain about it behind your back though. No matter how perfect your wedding looks when they look back at pictures they'll be thinking oh yea remember how it took us 2 hrs to put all those bows on the chairs oh look at those centerpieces we did for 5hrs the night before... 

    I get that your MOH offered but you might want to re-think your circumstances as to how the help was offered. Were you talking about how much work it was going to be for you and your FI beforehand, or dropping other hints because a good friend will probably come to your rescue and pick up the slack. You should just say thank you so much but we've got it covered and either do it yourself or hire someone. Oh and opening it up to the rest of the bridal party... seriously? Again reiterate that they are your honored guests and you just want them to show up and have a good time not be your slaves.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • @mhklover

    please tell me you actually know where that gif is from!
    image
  • hmonkey said:
    @mhklover

    please tell me you actually know where that gif is from!

    Seriously? I live for British comedies and AYBS is my absolute favorite! I'm actually watching an episode right now before I go to bed. I own the DVD set.
    image


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