I am ashamed!

sarawifenow · July 2015

Kahlyla said:

sarawifenow said:

Kahlyla said:

sarawifenow said:

Can someone please explain to me this idea of bad planning?

It's bad planning to get rid of all your baby gear when you may have another baby, would be my guess.

Well in that case, unless you (general) get your tubes tied/he gets snipped, then don't throw anything away until menopause! Wouldn't want to plan badly!

Seriously? I mean, you could try taking my point in a reasonable way that makes sense. Not actively trying to prevent a pregnancy? It's still a distinct and likely possibility in your life? Maybe hang onto that crib for a while.

OR, get rid of everything if you really want to but maybe don't act shocked at "how much babies cost!" or expect everyone else to refinance your nursery for you. OR, have a "sprinkle". OR, have a third shower and don't be surprised when some others find it a little side-eye worthy. Lots of options here!

FUCKINGBOX

There is a reason I put general you not hey you @Kahlyla

ETA: I don't think it is unreasonable to get rid of things after a child has outgrown them. Sure, keep the big stuff, but I know for certain I don't have room for all the extra clutter and would want to give it to someone who needs it then and now.

Maggie0829 · July 2015

beachyone15 said:

Ok. So if I decided to actively prevent a future pregnancy, but oops it happens anyway (which we all know is a possibility, albeit a small one) and I have gotten rid of all baby stuff already, what then? Is that my fault for getting pregnant again and "not planning"?

Of course it is. You should always plan for any and all possibilities in life. I mean I don't plan on ever losing my right hand but I am practicing doing everything with my left just on the off chance a shark may bite my hand off when I go to the ocean this June.

Kahlyla · July 2015

beachyone15 said:

Ok. So if I decided to actively prevent a future pregnancy, but oops it happens anyway (which we all know is a possibility, albeit a small one) and I have gotten rid of all baby stuff already, what then? Is that my fault for getting pregnant again and "not planning"?

But why does this = all your friends and relatives have to pay for everything for you?

I don't know, I've long since given away all my baby stuff and my husband hasn't been snipped yet, but if we got pregnant now we would just buy what we needed ourselves. If someone really wanted to throw us a shower, I would feel pretty uncomfortable about it and try very hard to steer it toward a party with no expectation of gifts.

beachyone15 · July 2015

Kahlyla said:

beachyone15 said:

Ok. So if I decided to actively prevent a future pregnancy, but oops it happens anyway (which we all know is a possibility, albeit a small one) and I have gotten rid of all baby stuff already, what then? Is that my fault for getting pregnant again and "not planning"?

But why does this = all your friends and relatives have to pay for everything for you?

I don't know, I've long since given away all my baby stuff and my husband hasn't been snipped yet, but if we got pregnant now we would just buy what we needed ourselves. If someone really wanted to throw us a shower, I would feel pretty uncomfortable about it and try very hard to steer it toward a party with no expectation of gifts.

I wasn't saying anyone HAD to throw me a shower and that I HAD to accept. But if I chose to accept, that would be wrong?

southernbelle0915 · July 2015

beachyone15 said:

Ok. So if I decided to actively prevent a future pregnancy, but oops it happens anyway (which we all know is a possibility, albeit a small one) and I have gotten rid of all baby stuff already, what then? Is that my fault for getting pregnant again and "not planning"?

Ok, I'll be clear on my position.... I don't care how you get pregnant. Trying to prevent it, trying to make it happen, courtesy of the pool boy, whatever... I side eye showers for subsequent kids.

That's me personally. Sprinkles for diapers and onesies? Whatever. A full blown shower? I side eye it.

Kahlyla · July 2015

sarawifenow said:

Kahlyla said:

sarawifenow said:

Kahlyla said:

sarawifenow said:

Can someone please explain to me this idea of bad planning?

It's bad planning to get rid of all your baby gear when you may have another baby, would be my guess.

Well in that case, unless you (general) get your tubes tied/he gets snipped, then don't throw anything away until menopause! Wouldn't want to plan badly!

Seriously? I mean, you could try taking my point in a reasonable way that makes sense. Not actively trying to prevent a pregnancy? It's still a distinct and likely possibility in your life? Maybe hang onto that crib for a while.

OR, get rid of everything if you really want to but maybe don't act shocked at "how much babies cost!" or expect everyone else to refinance your nursery for you. OR, have a "sprinkle". OR, have a third shower and don't be surprised when some others find it a little side-eye worthy. Lots of options here!

FUCKINGBOX

There is a reason I put general you not hey you @Kahlyla

ETA: I don't think it is unreasonable to get rid of things after a child has outgrown them. Sure, keep the big stuff, but I know for certain I don't have room for all the extra clutter and would want to give it to someone who needs it then and now.

I don't think that's quite how that works - you said "general you" meaning you're not referring to ME tying my tubes or not, but you were clearly responding directly to the point I raised...?

eta: I think there are some wires crossed here regarding whether the "shaming" is for a third shower vs. for someone getting pregnant again. As far as I can tell, no one but the OP (if even the OP) is shaming anyone for simply having a third child or for being fertile. I'm not addressing that question because I think it's utterly ridiculous and has zero to do with anything I'm arguing here.

sarawifenow · July 2015

Maggie0829 said:

beachyone15 said:

Ok. So if I decided to actively prevent a future pregnancy, but oops it happens anyway (which we all know is a possibility, albeit a small one) and I have gotten rid of all baby stuff already, what then? Is that my fault for getting pregnant again and "not planning"?

Of course it is. You should always plan for any and all possibilities in life. I mean I don't plan on ever losing my right hand but I am practicing doing everything with my left just on the off chance a shark may bite my hand off when I go to the ocean this June.

@Maggie0829 Nevermind the sharks! Why haven't you been planning in case you trip in the middle of the street and your left hand gets ran over?! Start writing with your toes, woman!

Maggie0829 · July 2015

Kahlyla said:

beachyone15 said:

Ok. So if I decided to actively prevent a future pregnancy, but oops it happens anyway (which we all know is a possibility, albeit a small one) and I have gotten rid of all baby stuff already, what then? Is that my fault for getting pregnant again and "not planning"?

But why does this = all your friends and relatives have to pay for everything for you?

I don't know, I've long since given away all my baby stuff and my husband hasn't been snipped yet, but if we got pregnant now we would just buy what we needed ourselves. If someone really wanted to throw us a shower, I would feel pretty uncomfortable about it and try very hard to steer it toward a party with no expectation of gifts.

Who is saying it does? I know for me, I am not combining the two discussions. In my posts I am speaking directly about the "poor planning" comment and how I find that very rude.

lyndausvi · July 2015

beachyone15 said:

Ok. So if I decided to actively prevent a future pregnancy, but oops it happens anyway (which we all know is a possibility, albeit a small one) and I have gotten rid of all baby stuff already, what then? Is that my fault for getting pregnant again and "not planning"?

I feel like it is your "fault" in the sense I do not think you deserve a shower for stuff that family and friends have already given you a few years earlier. I mean, how many cribs I'm a "suppose" to buy the same family member?

For the record, I feel the same way about bridal shower for second marriages. It's like I bought you a shower gift a few years ago and now I'm being INVITED to give you another one? Really? Because being invited to a shower is actually inviting people to buy you gifts.

Now wedding gifts and gifts to the child after the birth is different to me. I'm doing those things on my own, I haven't received an invitation to buy you something.

For the record, I would not call having a baby "poor planning" anymore than I call a second marriage poor planning for not picking it right the first time. I just think gift giving events such as showers are a one time thing. Not an every time the situation comes up type of thing.

ETA - because words are really hard today

sarawifenow · July 2015

Kahlyla said:

sarawifenow said:

Kahlyla said:

sarawifenow said:

Kahlyla said:

sarawifenow said:

Can someone please explain to me this idea of bad planning?

It's bad planning to get rid of all your baby gear when you may have another baby, would be my guess.

Well in that case, unless you (general) get your tubes tied/he gets snipped, then don't throw anything away until menopause! Wouldn't want to plan badly!

Seriously? I mean, you could try taking my point in a reasonable way that makes sense. Not actively trying to prevent a pregnancy? It's still a distinct and likely possibility in your life? Maybe hang onto that crib for a while.

OR, get rid of everything if you really want to but maybe don't act shocked at "how much babies cost!" or expect everyone else to refinance your nursery for you. OR, have a "sprinkle". OR, have a third shower and don't be surprised when some others find it a little side-eye worthy. Lots of options here!

FUCKINGBOX

There is a reason I put general you not hey you @Kahlyla

ETA: I don't think it is unreasonable to get rid of things after a child has outgrown them. Sure, keep the big stuff, but I know for certain I don't have room for all the extra clutter and would want to give it to someone who needs it then and now.

I don't think that's quite how that works - you said "general you" meaning you're not referring to ME tying my tubes or not, but you were clearly responding directly to the point I raised...?

Oh whatever. You're going to take that comment personally no matter what I say. You posed the idea to a comment I made, so I replied to the IDEA you posed and, yes, that is how it works.

PrettyGirlLost · July 2015

ashncoal said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

sheknows6 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

sheknows6 said:

I can understand to an extent that mothers should think ahead and prepare, but I don't see the harm in giving someone diapers, new infant clothes, pacifiers, etc. for a second or third child, and having a shower to celebrate the new baby coming into the world.

I know that showers are supposed to be for new moms Yes, to shower them with material items that they need to raise an infant but don't already own yet. . . because they haven't had a child yet. Hence why some of us judge subsequent showers for subsequent kids as a total gift grab. . . You just had a bay 2 years ago, what the fuck did you do with all those clothes and the car seat, etc? but personally I think every baby is special. I have way too many friends that struggle with infertility and when one in particular was lucky enough to conceive a second baby, we were THRILLED to throw her another baby shower. You can be excited and throw a party to celebrate the birth. Parties do not imply guests must bring a gift. Showers imply guests must bring a gift.

I don't see why it's so horrid and I think my personal experience is to blame. I wouldn't buy a crib or something major for a second or third, but I wouldn't side eye the shower itself. Just me.

Exactly and that's why I specified with gifts that are generally under the category of a sprinkle if I've lurked the boards long enough and understand what the difference is.

I said before the "new mom" bit that I would only gift that person with disposable items that are needed regardless of how many kids you have. Things like diapers, etc. Oh yeah, I give people this type of stuff all the time after they've had another baby. I don't need any more diapers or formula or burping blankets. . . said no one ever!

Don't call it a shower then. Definitely don't advertise the registry on facebook either. Otherwise, what's the big damn deal?

OP, did your cousin actually advertise the registry on FB, as in a post taht was like "Hey everybody! I'm having a baby and this is my registry- see link!!!!!"

Or did she create a registry and it popped up on FB automatically, as many things from companies now do, so that she could get discounts?

She said something along the lines as "Forgot how much stuff babies need! I'm working on registries!"

She's registred at 3 different places.

I'm not particualrly close with any of my family, so I suppose that's why I posted on here. I thought it was pretty gift grabby and I shouldn't have typed what I did. I do know some people can become infertile and I didn't realize my post came off like that. I don't generally post in forums because I have a hard time with getting my point across.

I am terribly sorry for any distress I may have caused, I will try to be more careful with what I say/type. I know not to judge people, I just thought it was awful gift grabby and the first thing that came to mind was I was "ashamed" of my cousin, that she would make registries for her third kid. I don't think ashamed is the right word, I am trying to communicate which I don't think I am doing well with.

Again, I will try to be better and I think it would be best if I stepped away for a little while.

It seems gift grabby to me as well, in this context.

I didn't think you meant for your other comments to come off the way that some people took them, but they did have a valid complaint in that the comments did seem very glib and insensitive. Good on ya for the apology!

beachyone15 · July 2015

lyndausvi said:

beachyone15 said:

Ok. So if I decided to actively prevent a future pregnancy, but oops it happens anyway (which we all know is a possibility, albeit a small one) and I have gotten rid of all baby stuff already, what then? Is that my fault for getting pregnant again and "not planning"?

I feel like it is your "fault" in the sense I do not think you deserve a shower for stuff that family and friends have already given you a few years earlier. I mean, how many cribs I'm a "suppose" to buy the same family member?

For the record I feel the same way about bridal shower for second marriages. It's like I bought you a shower gift a few years ago and not I being INVITED to give you another one? Really? Because being invited to a shower is actually inviting people to buy you gives.

Now wedding gifts and gifts to the child after the birth is different to me. I'm doing those things on my own, I haven't received an invitation to buy you something.

For the record I would not call having a baby "poor planning" anymore than I call a second marriage poor planning for not picking it right the first time. I just think things like gift giving events such as showers are a one time thing. Not an every time the situaiton comes up type of thing.

I can see your point. I guess I look at it as a "separate event". Different couple (in the case of a wedding shower) and different child (in the case of a baby shower). I see how people are saying these parties are thrown for the mom but I think of it more as being for the new couple/family unit.
I guess it just wouldn't bother me as much as it bothers some people here and that's ok. To each their own.

PrettyGirlLost · July 2015

sarawifenow said:

Kahlyla said:

sarawifenow said:

Can someone please explain to me this idea of bad planning?

It's bad planning to get rid of all your baby gear when you may have another baby, would be my guess.

Well in that case, unless you (general) get your tubes tied/he gets snipped, then don't throw anything away until menopause! Wouldn't want to plan badly!

I see what you are saying but, IUDs, hormonal BC, etc. Those can also be used prior to menopause if you don't want to have any more kids.

ETA: Trying to multiquote, ugh.

Maggie0829 said:

Kahlyla said:

sarawifenow said:

Can someone please explain to me this idea of bad planning?

It's bad planning to get rid of all your baby gear when you may have another baby, would be my guess.

But how the hell do you know when you may have another baby? My sister just had her second child 5 years after her first. They hadn't even considered another one until last year. She had gotten rid of a lot of things because hello 5 years and 2 moves she just didn't feel like dealing with a bunch of stuff that she may never use again.

And I know that a lot of her baby clothes with her first were stained due to spit up/vomit/baby food, etc. Those got trashed so new baby clothes are needed. She didn't get rid of everything of course (her H tends to be a bit of a hoarder) but she definitely needed things.

So I think it is a bit ridiculous to say a couple didn't plan well enough if they didn't keep everything after their first kid. Not all couples know if they are going to have a second kid until they finally make that decision. So why is it expected that they keep all of their baby shit for years?

ETA: And with all of this I am not saying that showers for second, third, etc children is okay. I am merely commenting on the "well the couple didn't plan well" statement.

Um, the biological mechanism for how a woman becomes pregnant is pretty well known, lol! :-P

Using the word "plan" associated with the criticism of multiple showers is probably a bad choice, for the reasons you and others have mentioned. But multiple showers do rub ppl the wrong way. I'd expect that a couple would have SOME clothing and items from previous children that they could use, and thus not NEED a shower like a new mother NEEDS a shower.

So have a party to celebrate these other births, just don't label it a shower is my opinion.

luckya23 · July 2015

In my AW sister's case, it is entirely intentional as she doesn't believe in hand me downs or "used" things. She's not about to be surprised by another baby - she is planning it.

Maggie0829 · July 2015

beachyone15 said:

lyndausvi said:

beachyone15 said:

Ok. So if I decided to actively prevent a future pregnancy, but oops it happens anyway (which we all know is a possibility, albeit a small one) and I have gotten rid of all baby stuff already, what then? Is that my fault for getting pregnant again and "not planning"?

I feel like it is your "fault" in the sense I do not think you deserve a shower for stuff that family and friends have already given you a few years earlier. I mean, how many cribs I'm a "suppose" to buy the same family member?

For the record I feel the same way about bridal shower for second marriages. It's like I bought you a shower gift a few years ago and not I being INVITED to give you another one? Really? Because being invited to a shower is actually inviting people to buy you gives.

Now wedding gifts and gifts to the child after the birth is different to me. I'm doing those things on my own, I haven't received an invitation to buy you something.

For the record I would not call having a baby "poor planning" anymore than I call a second marriage poor planning for not picking it right the first time. I just think things like gift giving events such as showers are a one time thing. Not an every time the situaiton comes up type of thing.

I can see your point. I guess I look at it as a "separate event". Different couple (in the case of a wedding shower) and different child (in the case of a baby shower). I see how people are saying these parties are thrown for the mom but I think of it more as being for the new couple/family unit.
I guess it just wouldn't bother me as much as it bothers some people here and that's ok. To each their own.

BOO BOXES!

I am not big on huge baby showers for subsequent kids but hopefully it is a person offering to throw the party so if you want to accept then that is cool. The only problem that I have is when the parents make up multiple registries for subsequent kids and promote those registries like they are trolling for gifts. But then again I would have this problem even if it is a person who has never had a kid before.

I am also still wondering what this magical number is in regards to keeping baby stuff. Just so I don't look like a poor planner on the off chance I ever have a second kid after my nonexistent first kid.

sarawifenow · July 2015

SNIP FOR QUOTE TREE

And I'm still in a box...

@PrettyGirlLost

My point is sometimes people aren't sure that they want another baby right away, or ever until they are at that point of trying. BC does fail.

Kahlyla · July 2015

To be very clear: I don't care when or how people have babies. I care when and how they have showers.

Maggie0829 · July 2015

PrettyGirlLost said:

sarawifenow said:

Kahlyla said:

sarawifenow said:

Can someone please explain to me this idea of bad planning?

It's bad planning to get rid of all your baby gear when you may have another baby, would be my guess.

Well in that case, unless you (general) get your tubes tied/he gets snipped, then don't throw anything away until menopause! Wouldn't want to plan badly!

I see what you are saying but, IUDs, hormonal BC, etc. Those can also be used prior to menopause if you don't want to have any more kids.

ETA: Trying to multiquote, ugh.

Maggie0829 said:

Kahlyla said:

sarawifenow said:

Can someone please explain to me this idea of bad planning?

It's bad planning to get rid of all your baby gear when you may have another baby, would be my guess.

But how the hell do you know when you may have another baby? My sister just had her second child 5 years after her first. They hadn't even considered another one until last year. She had gotten rid of a lot of things because hello 5 years and 2 moves she just didn't feel like dealing with a bunch of stuff that she may never use again.

And I know that a lot of her baby clothes with her first were stained due to spit up/vomit/baby food, etc. Those got trashed so new baby clothes are needed. She didn't get rid of everything of course (her H tends to be a bit of a hoarder) but she definitely needed things.

So I think it is a bit ridiculous to say a couple didn't plan well enough if they didn't keep everything after their first kid. Not all couples know if they are going to have a second kid until they finally make that decision. So why is it expected that they keep all of their baby shit for years?

ETA: And with all of this I am not saying that showers for second, third, etc children is okay. I am merely commenting on the "well the couple didn't plan well" statement.

Um, the biological mechanism for how a woman becomes pregnant is pretty well known, lol!

I think you missed my point. I meant that when you have a kid how do you know when you will be ready to have another one? Or what if an oops occurs when you believe that you are trying to prevent having another kid? Not everyone knows exactly when they plan on having a second and third kid after their first. Yeah some people may say from the get go"We are going to try to have a second one when our first one turns 2" but not everyone is like that. Some have one and then are undecided or don't even consider having another one until the day the do make that decision.

So if a person is like my sister who didn't decide or even consider to try for another kid until after her first turned 4 she should have just held onto everything?

TrixieJess · July 2015

Holy Hell! What the Fuck? Who hit the nerve?

Look, people will buy shit for your babies whether you ask them to or not. Trust me. We have what amounts to a small backroom of Toys R Us in our home to attest to this.

Whenever Aunties and Grandmas come over, we have more shit. People like to buy small people presents and cute outfits. I've never asked. Occasionally, I've had to ask them not to.

Showers are for firsts, first babies, first marriages. Everything after that is gift grabby and AW.

Maggie0829 · July 2015

TrixieJess said:

Holy Hell! What the Fuck? Who hit the nerve?

Look, people will buy shit for your babies whether you ask them to or not. Trust me. We have what amounts to a small backroom of Toys R Us in our home to attest to this.

Whenever Aunties and Grandmas come over, we have more shit. People like to buy small people presents and cute outfits. I've never asked. Occasionally, I've had to ask them not to.

Showers are for firsts, first babies, first marriages. Everything after that is gift grabby and AW.

I am truly not trying to start an argument, but rather curious. What about couples where maybe the one has had children but the other one hasn't? For example a friend of mine married a man with 2 kids. They then got pregnant. Should they have not been thrown a shower since they already have kids? What about when one person has never been married but the other person has? Should there be no showers?

PrettyGirlLost · July 2015

beachyone15 said:

Kahlyla said:

beachyone15 said:

Ok. So if I decided to actively prevent a future pregnancy, but oops it happens anyway (which we all know is a possibility, albeit a small one) and I have gotten rid of all baby stuff already, what then? Is that my fault for getting pregnant again and "not planning"?

But why does this = all your friends and relatives have to pay for everything for you?

I don't know, I've long since given away all my baby stuff and my husband hasn't been snipped yet, but if we got pregnant now we would just buy what we needed ourselves. If someone really wanted to throw us a shower, I would feel pretty uncomfortable about it and try very hard to steer it toward a party with no expectation of gifts.

I wasn't saying anyone HAD to throw me a shower and that I HAD to accept. But if I chose to accept, that would be wrong?

Maybe not wrong, but people in your life may judge you for it. Since we are talking hypothetically, why would you accept the shower? Why not buy what you needed for your 2nd child yourself?

Showers for multiple kids and Sprinkles seem to be a new thing- like within the past 10 years or so. Growing up, I don't recall anyone having 2nd or 3rd showers for their other kids. And Sprinkles were definitely not a formal thing. You just went and visited with mom and her newest infant after it was born.

southernbelle0915 said:

beachyone15 said:

Ok. So if I decided to actively prevent a future pregnancy, but oops it happens anyway (which we all know is a possibility, albeit a small one) and I have gotten rid of all baby stuff already, what then? Is that my fault for getting pregnant again and "not planning"?

Ok, I'll be clear on my position.... I don't care how you get pregnant. Trying to prevent it, trying to make it happen, courtesy of the pool boy, whatever... I side eye showers for subsequent kids.

That's me personally. Sprinkles for diapers and onesies? Whatever. A full blown shower? I side eye it.

Amen. Thank you. Me as well.

emmaaa · July 2015

Back to the original post but I don't mind baby showers for subsequent children because I am weird and love showers! But, my gift would be a little different. If I got you a rocker the first time, you don't need a second one.

Bubblegum5586 · July 2015

I think the "poor planning" comment are to people who have more children, that don't keep any stuff and now don't have a way to get more stuff and expect and rely on showers to replenish everything.

If you throw out your stuff, then have another child, then buy what you need. In no way is that poor planning.

lyndausvi · July 2015

bridal showers and baby showers are to help the couple setup their homes and/or get ready for their first addition. When they started new couples went from their parents homes to their own home. Setting up a home is expensive. There are true needs for towels, plates and pot and pans. For baby showers there are true needs for cribs and high chairs.

People back in the day were not so disposable as we are now.

In theory, if you are on your second marriage or second kid you already have the "stuff" and showers are not needed. It's I find it in bad taste to ask people to give you things to setup yet another home or kid via a gift giving event.

That however, does not keep people from giving gifts on their own. I always give a wedding gift regardless if it's their 1st or 3rd wedding. Same with kids. After the birth of child I normally give a gift too.

Being invited to give you a gift (that is what a shower is) multiple times really annoys me.

PrettyGirlLost · July 2015

Maggie0829 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

sarawifenow said:

Kahlyla said:

sarawifenow said:

Can someone please explain to me this idea of bad planning?

It's bad planning to get rid of all your baby gear when you may have another baby, would be my guess.

Well in that case, unless you (general) get your tubes tied/he gets snipped, then don't throw anything away until menopause! Wouldn't want to plan badly!

I see what you are saying but, IUDs, hormonal BC, etc. Those can also be used prior to menopause if you don't want to have any more kids.

ETA: Trying to multiquote, ugh.

Maggie0829 said:

Kahlyla said:

sarawifenow said:

Can someone please explain to me this idea of bad planning?

It's bad planning to get rid of all your baby gear when you may have another baby, would be my guess.

But how the hell do you know when you may have another baby? My sister just had her second child 5 years after her first. They hadn't even considered another one until last year. She had gotten rid of a lot of things because hello 5 years and 2 moves she just didn't feel like dealing with a bunch of stuff that she may never use again.

And I know that a lot of her baby clothes with her first were stained due to spit up/vomit/baby food, etc. Those got trashed so new baby clothes are needed. She didn't get rid of everything of course (her H tends to be a bit of a hoarder) but she definitely needed things.

So I think it is a bit ridiculous to say a couple didn't plan well enough if they didn't keep everything after their first kid. Not all couples know if they are going to have a second kid until they finally make that decision. So why is it expected that they keep all of their baby shit for years?

ETA: And with all of this I am not saying that showers for second, third, etc children is okay. I am merely commenting on the "well the couple didn't plan well" statement.

Um, the biological mechanism for how a woman becomes pregnant is pretty well known, lol!

I think you missed my point. I meant that when you have a kid how do you know when you will be ready to have another one? Or what if an oops occurs when you believe that you are trying to prevent having another kid? Not everyone knows exactly when they plan on having a second and third kid after their first. Yeah some people may say from the get go"We are going to try to have a second one when our first one turns 2" but not everyone is like that. Some have one and then are undecided or don't even consider having another one until the day the do make that decision.

So if a person is like my sister who didn't decide or even consider to try for another kid until after her first turned 4 she should have just held onto everything?

Look, it's ok if we have to have The Talk :-P

Maybe. Or she needs to buy everything all over again, right? But I don't think she should have a 2nd shower. . . which you had said in your post you weren't trying to justify, either.

Maggie0829 · July 2015

PrettyGirlLost said:

Maggie0829 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

sarawifenow said:

Kahlyla said:

sarawifenow said:

Can someone please explain to me this idea of bad planning?

It's bad planning to get rid of all your baby gear when you may have another baby, would be my guess.

Well in that case, unless you (general) get your tubes tied/he gets snipped, then don't throw anything away until menopause! Wouldn't want to plan badly!

I see what you are saying but, IUDs, hormonal BC, etc. Those can also be used prior to menopause if you don't want to have any more kids.

ETA: Trying to multiquote, ugh.

Maggie0829 said:

Kahlyla said:

sarawifenow said:

Can someone please explain to me this idea of bad planning?

It's bad planning to get rid of all your baby gear when you may have another baby, would be my guess.

But how the hell do you know when you may have another baby? My sister just had her second child 5 years after her first. They hadn't even considered another one until last year. She had gotten rid of a lot of things because hello 5 years and 2 moves she just didn't feel like dealing with a bunch of stuff that she may never use again.

And I know that a lot of her baby clothes with her first were stained due to spit up/vomit/baby food, etc. Those got trashed so new baby clothes are needed. She didn't get rid of everything of course (her H tends to be a bit of a hoarder) but she definitely needed things.

So I think it is a bit ridiculous to say a couple didn't plan well enough if they didn't keep everything after their first kid. Not all couples know if they are going to have a second kid until they finally make that decision. So why is it expected that they keep all of their baby shit for years?

ETA: And with all of this I am not saying that showers for second, third, etc children is okay. I am merely commenting on the "well the couple didn't plan well" statement.

Um, the biological mechanism for how a woman becomes pregnant is pretty well known, lol!

I think you missed my point. I meant that when you have a kid how do you know when you will be ready to have another one? Or what if an oops occurs when you believe that you are trying to prevent having another kid? Not everyone knows exactly when they plan on having a second and third kid after their first. Yeah some people may say from the get go"We are going to try to have a second one when our first one turns 2" but not everyone is like that. Some have one and then are undecided or don't even consider having another one until the day the do make that decision.

So if a person is like my sister who didn't decide or even consider to try for another kid until after her first turned 4 she should have just held onto everything?

Look, it's ok if we have to have The Talk :-P

Maybe. Or she needs to buy everything all over again, right? But I don't think she should have a 2nd shower. . . which you had said in your post you weren't trying to justify, either.

Yeah. The second shower and the "poor planning" discussions were separate in my mind. I just didn't like when someone was all "well you should have kept your shit and if you don't then you are a poor planner." Life doesn't always allow you to keep everything and if you have, at that time, no intention of having another baby, then why keep stuff?

But in regards to all showers (and I had a small one) I just kind of get an ick feeling about them. I know they are cool for the first whatever, but I don't know, if I need something then I will buy it myself. I just have never liked asking people to buy me things due to life decisions I have decided to make, which is what a shower is doing. Eh, it is hard to explain because words are hard right now. It is 3pm and my holiday weekend starts in an hour

TrixieJess · July 2015

Maggie0829 said:

TrixieJess said:

Holy Hell! What the Fuck? Who hit the nerve?

Look, people will buy shit for your babies whether you ask them to or not. Trust me. We have what amounts to a small backroom of Toys R Us in our home to attest to this.

Whenever Aunties and Grandmas come over, we have more shit. People like to buy small people presents and cute outfits. I've never asked. Occasionally, I've had to ask them not to.

Showers are for firsts, first babies, first marriages. Everything after that is gift grabby and AW.

I am truly not trying to start an argument, but rather curious. What about couples where maybe the one has had children but the other one hasn't? For example a friend of mine married a man with 2 kids. They then got pregnant. Should they have not been thrown a shower since they already have kids? What about when one person has never been married but the other person has? Should there be no showers?

That's up to the couple. Personally, if it's the woman's first child, she should have the shower because chances are that they won't have access to the other children's things. As for a shower when one of the couple has been married, meh. I'm not really for showers when neither couple have been married unless they are both 19 and never lived on their own before with their own stuff.

However, it's all personal, AND people will buy you shit for your baby whether you have a shower or not. My girlfriends who have had more than one baby have all had presents bought for their babies, and not a single one of them had a shower/sprinkle!

AddieCake · July 2015

I don't care how many showers people have.

flbride2015 · July 2015

At some point, you have to grow up and be an adult right? Most, if not pretty much all parents don't really know what to expect when they have their first kid. So someone throws them a shower because holy shit, it turns out there's a lot of shit you need and kids are expensive. You think you're prepared (or you don't), but you never really are. So people help out.

Now when kid number 2 or 3 or 4 comes around, be it planned or an oops, at that point it is time to do some adulting and take care of your kid yourself by buying your own stuff. You're a grown up (hopefully). No, you weren't expected to save every little thing. But even if it's an oops, you'll have at least 6 months to prepare. And you know what bare minimums you need for the second one if you can't necessarily afford all new stuff. You don't need a changing table, you can buy a new crib at the consignment store, etc.

If mom offers to buy you a new crib? Cool, say thanks. Friends want to buy you diapers? Awesome, write a thank you note. But maybe you should decline the shower, because you're an adult, and taking responsibility for your kid is sort of what adults do. Just saying. Obviously this doesn't apply to everyone. I wouldn't side eye a 2nd or 3rd shower for someone who had an oops and was having financial difficulties, and even if they weren't, I like getting babies gifts. But yeah, if you don't want to adult because it's easier, more convenient, or whatever to have other people adult for you, then I might side eye it. It is what it is.

dreamsinpink · July 2015

I'm going to guess OP is long gone by now... But out of true curiosity (obviously wouldn't pertain to the OP since all kids are the same sex) but I always thought that if your first is one sex, then your second is the opposite sex that you have another shower?? Is this not right?

Edit: for what its worth, I would definitely side eye if all three kids are girls and the mom is wanting a shower for the third.

I am ashamed!

Re: I am ashamed!

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