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I'm a planner!

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Re: I'm a planner!

  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 Washington, DC member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    chloe97 said:
    No actually @goldenpenguin I wasn't encouraging pre-planning at all, I was encouraging enjoying your life before wedding planning. Not the same thing at all. All I had said was that I did research about wedding venues because I was curious how much things cost. I actually wish I had done more preplanning in terms of thinking about dresses and colors because I am still completely overwhelmed by the details and I felt like my venue and vendors all expected to me to have this grand vision the first day I met with them and I had nothing. I understand the reasons not to preplan, so I am not encouraging it. Like I said, I am happy for other people that are having an easy time balancing life and wedding planning. I have an easy time with the logistics of the planning, but the details have bogged me down. I'm not a detail person.  I'm only 2 months in though, so hopefully it gets easier!  
    You should not have preplanned these things.  You SHOULD have talked with your FI about what you guys wanted after you were engaged, decided on some kind of vision, and then had that to present to vendors.

    I would never, ever presume to get engaged to BF and then sit him down and say "this is what we want."  Because that's not what WE want, that would be what I want.  And there is very likely a difference.
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  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 Washington, DC member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    Additionally, if @goldenpenguin can plan a wedding without feeling stretched too thin on her schedule, there's no excuse for anyone else.
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  • chloe97chloe97 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited February 2015
    I didn't mean to start a competition about whose life is harder and who is the more efficient planner and better at time management. My only point was that wedding details CAN occupy a person's time that was spent doing other things prior to wedding planning and that prior to wedding planning, people who are excited about getting started wedding planning could focus on OTHER things. I'm pretty sure that this is a noncontroversial idea here on this board.     
  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited February 2015
    I'm going to just come out and say it. I am sick of appointments! I like wedding planning, and I haven't found it that difficult but ughhh all my weekends are getting taken over by hair and makeup trials/ meeting with dj/ dress fittings, etc. I'm going to be working Monday-Saturday again soon. That could be the real cause of the stress. Anyway, none of those appointments, and the stress I have from wedding planning, could possibly be fixed by pre-planning though.

    And I DID do some pre-planning/ research (as stated above)... but FI and my mom knew about it, and offered opinions, such as "no. I don't like that dress either" (from FI.) And "yeah, brunch sounds nice" (from FI) and "yeah, I agree, photography is important" (from FI). and "omg... that wedding video is hilariously bad!" (from FI.) And "holy crap! That's so expensive!" (from FI and mom.)

    So... I guess it was more entertainment? I dunno. FI and I were a weird case of it worked out. I think it helped that I didn't really consider my "research" to be at all set in stone, other than knowing "nope, not going to look at that (florist, venue, caterer)... way too expensive." And FI was fully aware of it... it wasn't clandestine, because we had been very clear with each other about when the proposal, engagement, and wedding would take place. And he basically saw the proposal = engagement as a traditional formality that I wanted. 

    BUT, even thought it worked out (in that, things didn't get pushed back, and some of my research was a touch helpful, like knowing average prices and having some venues to check out, and it didn't damage my relationship with FI) a LOT of it was not.

    I should have worked harder while I was in school instead of looking at photographers in CT. I ended up with a photographer that I hadn't looked at before from Brooklyn through Style Me Pretty.  I didn't really need to look at all those wedding dresses online, because I had a pretty good idea of what I liked just from 10 minutes of looking at pictures. That didn't change even when I looked at tons more.  I didn't end up using any of the free printables I saved.

    Actually, I did use one. But I think I found that after I was engaged, or at the earliest right before, when ring shopping was happening (my Save the Date.) And, I knew FI was going to propose very soon after he bought the ring. He told me he knew I'd be bonkers otherwise.

    So, basically, the pre-engagement "research" that was helpful was about ... 5 hours total of online browsing. One Saturday afternoon. The rest of it was just fun nonsense that fed my obsessive compulsiveness, and habit of doing something to avoid the stuff I don't want to think about. I totally could have done it after I was engaged/ proposed to. Basically, it served as a distraction from what I should have been doing (i.e. I was in grad school, I should have been painting, writing papers, looking for jobs, networking.) 

    ETA: short version. Don't be a crazy, obsessive, procrastinator like me who just HAD TO SEE every single website of every vendor in my state. Almost none of it was actually helpful when it came to planning a wedding. It was a good, happy time waste though. 
    chloe97
  • MadHops21MadHops21 Buried in blankets member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    I went BSC and bought a dress before getting engaged because the store was going out of business and it was hella cheap.

    Regretted it after being engaged, and now bought a new dress (since I can afford it). I'm gonna sell the first dress to a consignment or whatever place near my city, so I will have to eat the cost difference. 

    You can get excited about the potential proposal, and you can pin your heart out, but don't pre-plan before getting officially engaged. It may end up costing you more money.
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  • I can barely plan a trip for a vacation without having a panic attack. Shoot I was just looking at places to visit in Scotland and I had to stop doing that because I was freaking out and started crying. Actually looking at venues before I was engaged would probably send me over the edge.
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  • Saving money is always good.  I would definitely stick with that.  Like you said regardless of what happens, at the end of the day you'll have that money set aside.

    I'm not trying to attack you with my next two questions so please don't take it that way, I just was wanting some clarification because from experience I've learned there's a huge difference.

    What do you mean he pretty much told you?  Did he actually come out and say "This is the timeline I'm thinking for getting engaged" or did he say something suggestive that may have caused you to read between the lines?

    When you say "we" have picked out some big things do you mean you've picked them out and he's kinda been like "Yeah, whatever" or that you both legit have sat down, looked at your options, and made joint decisions?  

    You don't have to have a ring to be engaged, just a joint agreement that you are going to get married.  I would recommend waiting on doing any real planning outside of a hypothetical pinterest board.  I'll admit it, I did it.  Everytime I thought it was close I'd get back on it and now that I'm engaged I've learned some very important things.  Looking back, I wish I would have listened when someone told me to knock it off and that it was BSC.  Here's the important parts:  

    1.  It actually delayed our engagement.  FI knew I was doing it even when I wasn't actively talking to him about it.  It stressed him out.  It caused a wedge.  Here I was planning a wedding and he hadn't even popped the question yet.  It made him feel second fiddle to my dream day in a fancy dress - like a prop in some sort of grand production I was planning.  I drove myself insane thinking of what went wrong, we were so close, why hadn't it happened?  I spent a lot of time dreaming about the future instead of living in the present.  I had to stop dreaming about the future and start focusing on the us of here and now before we both got to the point that we were ready to make that commitment.  

    2.  All that research or pre-planning as some people call it has been ZERO help now that I'm engaged.  His preferences haven't always aligned with my own.  There are some things we like but can't afford.  There are some things we would have love to consider but would be too much of a strain on our friends and families.  There are some things I'd like to DIY but they would take too much time, money, or work to set up.  The gowns I used to daydream about wearing I think would look awful on my body shape and the styles and fabric I used to loathe I think are classy and fabulous.  There are people who used to be important to us that we've grown apart from.  New and old friends have re-entered and become more important in our lives.  Our actual wedding is going to be NOTHING like my "dream wedding" that I had been pre-planning for us.  

    3.  Wedding planning can be as easy or hard as you want it to be.  You need to remember what is important at the end of the day.  We got engaged last Sunday.  We work opposite shifts and currently have different days off so I've been doing a lot of the research and reaching out and then we discuss it via phone/text when he's on break or lunch.  Here's what we've got done that time frame (an hour or so Monday evening, an hour or so this morning, and a half an hour this afternoon):

    A.  Talked with FI and narrowed down our choices for dates.  My preference was outdoor friendly weather and hopefully not September or October because of my brother's wedding.  His preference was no outrageous Summer heat.  We decided on May or June of this year.  That gives us give or take 3-4 months to plan.  
    B.  Reached out to our VIPs (he's still waiting to hear back from his, but he waited longer than I did) in regards to any potential conflicts in May or June.  Using this and conflicts I know of for his family I've been able to narrow it down to our 3 best Saturdays, but have additional possibilities that are workable for us.
    C.  Reached out to vendors.  We tentatively have a ceremony & reception venue, chairs, tables, linens, tent, and a caterer once we finalize our date.  I was also able to narrow it down to 4 potential photographers and FI and I spent about 20 minutes this afternoon going over their website to talk about their photo quality and styles.  They all have dates available in our top 3 list.
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  • update: he proposed May and we got the venue 3 days later.
     ;)
  • I'm glad I did tour the venue and research and start to build a loose budget. Now we've got a clear picture of what we want to do and general idea of costs to work with for our budgeting! 

    So, pre-planning or researching, rather, was beneficial. :)
    chloe97
  • Personal option, I researched a lot before getting "officially engaged" {we considered ourselves engaged, but no family would until there was a ring} We knew approx when we wanted to get married, and spoke about different ideas.
    We didn't make appointments or get full details on items until there was a ring and we were agreed upon a date.

    Mind you, I feel like given the situation I was in at the time, made my wanting to plan anything hard. I would just tell people I'm never getting married and cry. Soooo there's that ....

    Research > planning
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