Crazy mom strikes again: gifts

charlottesmom0626 · July 2015

If you've read any of my previous posts, you know my mom is crazy.

The story this time:

The day after my wedding (Saturday), my mom casually asked what gifts we received. I didn't think anything of it, and told her we hadn't opened them yet. (Which was true)

On Monday she texted me asking about the gifts again. I told her we got a bunch of cards and some wrapped gifts. She responded with "well tell me who gave you what" I ignored that.

Today she called me screaming that I need to tell her which of her family members gave me gifts and how much, "to be fair" she went off into a tirade about going to peoples events (birthdays and weddings) and making sure that she's not "shelling out money" or that she's "giving a comparable amount"'. I didn't say anything about it, and tried to bean dip her. She reminded me again before hanging up to give her this info ASAP, clarifying that she doesn't care about H's family's gifts or our friends, but specifically her friends and siblings.

I really feel this is EXTREMELY RUDE and personal and I'm really annoyed. I feel like you should give gifts based on your heart, not based on keepingup with the Joneses.

On one hand, I really don't think our wedding gifts are any of her effing business. On the other hand, it's my narcissistic/histrionic mother who doesn't understand basic logic or reason. What do I do?

[Deleted User] · July 2015

Keep saying no and bean dipping when you can! It really is none of her business!

SP29 · July 2015

Oh man... that's a tough one.

I agree with you- the gifts are none of her business and gifts should be given from the heart, not be tit-for-tat.

What would she do if you told her this? "I am sorry mom, but I don't feel comfortable sharing this information with you. Gifts aren't tit-for-tat, you give what you feel comfortable giving".

I imagine probably not great.

While I think the above is the most appropriate to say, knowing she will be difficult, would you lie to her just to shut her up and tell her everyone gave you $100? (so it's equal) Or tell her, "Oh Aunt Susy got us kettle off our registry and Uncle Jim gave us the knives from our registry" (even if it's not the whole truth)- that way you are not giving her exact amounts?

I'm not really experienced with this type of personality, so while the truth (of her butting out) would be the right thing, maybe you have to fudge your story a bit to get her off your back.

charlottesmom0626 · July 2015

SP29 said:

Oh man... that's a tough one.

I agree with you- the gifts are none of her business and gifts should be given from the heart, not be tit-for-tat.

What would she do if you told her this? "I am sorry mom, but I don't feel comfortable sharing this information with you. Gifts aren't tit-for-tat, you give what you feel comfortable giving".

I imagine probably not great.

While I think the above is the most appropriate to say, knowing she will be difficult, would you lie to her just to shut her up and tell her everyone gave you $100? (so it's equal) Or tell her, "Oh Aunt Susy got us kettle off our registry and Uncle Jim gave us the knives from our registry" (even if it's not the whole truth)- that way you are not giving her exact amounts?

I'm not really experienced with this type of personality, so while the truth (of her butting out) would be the right thing, maybe you have to fudge your story a bit to get her off your back.

I don't think the solution is to lie to her. For example, if I told her Aunt Susie's gave me a registry gift when she actually gave me a $600 check, I don't think that helps anyone. It makes aunt Susie look cheap and it will lead to my mom judging her. I think my only real options are to continue to ignore her requests, which will be a huge fight, or tell her the truth and let her have her way, again.

AddieCake · July 2015

Just tell her it's none of her goddam business and she can find another way to keep score with her friends and family. And refuse to engage further on the topic.

southernbelle0915 · July 2015

You are correct - this is 100% none of her business and you absolutely should not tell her.

Keep bean dipping her. Write your TY notes and tell your mom you already sent TY notes and that you did not make a list for her. She'll get over it. And if she doesn't, it's her problem.

My mom asked for this, too. At first I told her I thought it was really inappropriate and that gifts shouldn't be tit for tat. She got mouthy and argued with me. So to avoid an argument the subsequent times she asked, I told her I forgot to make a list and wouldn't want to guess at what people gave. She protested for a while, but finally let it go.

SP29 · July 2015

Then it's up to you with the route you want to take and your future relationship with her.

She is not an easy person to get along with, and she's your mother, but every time you give in, she wins.

I don't think any of us can give you the right answer, more it comes down to what is it worth to you to deal with? Are you prepared to repeat, "Mom, I don't feel comfortable discussing this with you, give as you feel appropriate", or is it easier for your relationship, because you want to continue one, to give in?

Jen4948 · July 2015

SP29 said:

Oh man... that's a tough one.

I agree with you- the gifts are none of her business and gifts should be given from the heart, not be tit-for-tat.

What would she do if you told her this? "I am sorry mom, but I don't feel comfortable sharing this information with you. Gifts aren't tit-for-tat, you give what you feel comfortable giving".

I imagine probably not great.

While I think the above is the most appropriate to say, knowing she will be difficult, would you lie to her just to shut her up and tell her everyone gave you $100? (so it's equal) Or tell her, "Oh Aunt Susy got us kettle off our registry and Uncle Jim gave us the knives from our registry" (even if it's not the whole truth)- that way you are not giving her exact amounts?

I'm not really experienced with this type of personality, so while the truth (of her butting out) would be the right thing, maybe you have to fudge your story a bit to get her off your back.

I wouldn't do this. It's been my experience that the more you indulge BSC, it doesn't get off your back but grows there like a cancer.

I think my own way of handling it, though, would be to respond with questions like "Who do you need to get gifts for? What's the occasion? What do you think they would like? What's your budget? Do you think they'd like X?" etc. rather than discussing your own gifts.

If she keeps insisting that she can't answer those questions without hearing about what you got, you can respond, "Mom, it really isn't clear to me why you need to know what we were given in order to answer those questions. And if you think people are really out to judge you for not giving them the same as they gave us, why do you think you owe them gifts or even want to stay friends/in contact with them in the first place?" And if she still insists, at that point I would tell her, "Mom, I am not willing to answer those questions because it's none of your business what other people gave us. Please stop asking me. The subject is closed."

novella1186 · July 2015

Sometimes you need to be extremely straight-forward with people. I've learned that the only way to shut my psycho dad down when he's out of line is to just tell it like it is without mincing words.

You might need a very simple and stern, "This is none of your business. Drop it."

AddieCake · July 2015

My mother was like this. It was not until I called her bluff in a really dramatic way on something that she finally stopped ALL the bullshit for good. Among other crazy things that she did, she used to threaten to kill herself all the time. Imagine being a little kid and your mom threatening that to you. Finally, one day as an adult, I had had enough. She said it, and I responded, "Fine. Just please don't be wearing any of my clothes when you do it." And I left. That was the last time she said or did any of her crazy bullshit with me. You have GOT to stop indulging any of this. It's hard because she is your mom, but you just can't let her hold you hostage like that.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

Jen4948 said:

SP29 said:

Oh man... that's a tough one.

I agree with you- the gifts are none of her business and gifts should be given from the heart, not be tit-for-tat.

What would she do if you told her this? "I am sorry mom, but I don't feel comfortable sharing this information with you. Gifts aren't tit-for-tat, you give what you feel comfortable giving".

I imagine probably not great.

While I think the above is the most appropriate to say, knowing she will be difficult, would you lie to her just to shut her up and tell her everyone gave you $100? (so it's equal) Or tell her, "Oh Aunt Susy got us kettle off our registry and Uncle Jim gave us the knives from our registry" (even if it's not the whole truth)- that way you are not giving her exact amounts?

I'm not really experienced with this type of personality, so while the truth (of her butting out) would be the right thing, maybe you have to fudge your story a bit to get her off your back.

I wouldn't do this. It's been my experience that the more you indulge BSC, it doesn't get off your back but grows there like a cancer.
I think my own way of handling it, though, would be to respond with questions like "Who do you need to get gifts for? What's the occasion? What do you think they would like? What's your budget? Do you think they'd like X?" etc. rather than discussing your own gifts.
If she keeps insisting that she can't answer those questions without hearing about what you got, you can respond, "Mom, it really isn't clear to me why you need to know what we were given in order to answer those questions. And if you think people are really out to judge you for not giving them the same as they gave us, why do you think you owe them gifts or even want to stay friends/in contact with them in the first place?" And if she still insists, at that point I would tell her, "Mom, I am not willing to answer those questions because it's none of your business what other people gave us. Please stop asking me. The subject is closed."

I'm pretty sure my only answer would be "nope" and hanging up the phone or walking away. "I need to know who gave you what!" "Nope." "I was just invited to Aunt Mildred's birthday party. What did aunt Mildred and uncle Jerry get you for your wedding?" "Nope."

MairePoppy · July 2015

Deposit the checks in your account and tell mom that you didn't make the list. Your mom wants to know if her freinds have been as generous with you as she has been with their children. So tell her that everyone was very generous without the specifics. Don't give in on this.

banana468 · July 2015

MIL tried to do that with shower gifts and she still brings it up from time to time. DH just put a stop to it 8 years ago. I'm not giving her a list of who gave me what items and if she doesn't like it, tough shit.

Jen4948 · July 2015

adk19 said:

Jen4948 said:

SP29 said:

Oh man... that's a tough one.

I agree with you- the gifts are none of her business and gifts should be given from the heart, not be tit-for-tat.

What would she do if you told her this? "I am sorry mom, but I don't feel comfortable sharing this information with you. Gifts aren't tit-for-tat, you give what you feel comfortable giving".

I imagine probably not great.

While I think the above is the most appropriate to say, knowing she will be difficult, would you lie to her just to shut her up and tell her everyone gave you $100? (so it's equal) Or tell her, "Oh Aunt Susy got us kettle off our registry and Uncle Jim gave us the knives from our registry" (even if it's not the whole truth)- that way you are not giving her exact amounts?

I'm not really experienced with this type of personality, so while the truth (of her butting out) would be the right thing, maybe you have to fudge your story a bit to get her off your back.

I wouldn't do this. It's been my experience that the more you indulge BSC, it doesn't get off your back but grows there like a cancer.
I think my own way of handling it, though, would be to respond with questions like "Who do you need to get gifts for? What's the occasion? What do you think they would like? What's your budget? Do you think they'd like X?" etc. rather than discussing your own gifts.
If she keeps insisting that she can't answer those questions without hearing about what you got, you can respond, "Mom, it really isn't clear to me why you need to know what we were given in order to answer those questions. And if you think people are really out to judge you for not giving them the same as they gave us, why do you think you owe them gifts or even want to stay friends/in contact with them in the first place?" And if she still insists, at that point I would tell her, "Mom, I am not willing to answer those questions because it's none of your business what other people gave us. Please stop asking me. The subject is closed."

I'm pretty sure my only answer would be "nope" and hanging up the phone or walking away. "I need to know who gave you what!" "Nope." "I was just invited to Aunt Mildred's birthday party. What did aunt Mildred and uncle Jerry get you for your wedding?" "Nope."

While that's certainly an option, I'd use some discretion in exercising it. I'd just prefer to distract her, because a repeated "Nope" like in your example doesn't put a stop to the demands for answers that she's not getting. If she's really more concerned about what to give someone as a gift than what you actually got, changing the subject the way I would to just asking questions about what her gift-giving capacity is without revealing the answers might work better.

lovegood90 · July 2015

Agree with PPs- she's being super rude and inappropriate. Don't give in to the BSCness.

LondonLisa · July 2015

"Mom, you keep asking and I feel that is inappropriate. If it is about gifts to other family members, you should continue to give what is in your budget regardless of what they got me. You always taught me that gifts aren't tit for tat, so I'd like you to follow that. I consider this matter closed. Anyway, are you able to make Uncle Jame's BBQ next week? I sure hope Aunt Sally brings her amazing potato salad like last year!".

charlottesmom0626 · July 2015

Thanks everyone. I'm so sick of her shit, I'm sure this will be a fight. I think my plan is to tell her we finished our thankyou cards and somehow misplaced the list..oops!

antibride2013 · July 2015

My aunt did this when my cousin got married. I didn't go to the wedding because I had two young children and I wasn't leaving them 1,000 miles away. They knew we weren't going to come for a long time, we didn't make it a secret that we had no one to watch the kids, but still sent invitations to multiple showers, etc. I was really offended becasue it was an obvious gift-grab situation in regads to all the parties. After each event my aunt asked my cousin about gifts and his new wife had no problem telling her we didn't send a gift, and in return my aunt would call and bitch me out. Finally after the thrid bitch out 6 hours after the wedding I had had it and told her that it is a shame that the only thing that upset her and my cousins new bitch wife (my cousin apologized a lot) was that they didn't get a gift. There was "Oh I am sorry you can't come" or anything. And that an invitation isn'tan invoice and I had no obligation to give a gift just because I got an invitiation. Every person in my family got a phone call because cousin's bitch wife told my aunt everyones gift amount. It is 7 years later and my cousin is still embarrassed about his mother and his bitch wife's actions. Don't tell her, it is none of her buisness and telling your mother may result in huge rifts in the family.

LD1970 · July 2015

My mother wanted the list. I did my thank you notes, then promptly chucked the list & told mom I didn't have it anymore.

abl13 · July 2015

My mom did this to me. I tried to bean dip and it didnot work so I did my thank you's immediately after the wedding and deleted my list.

Jen4948 · July 2015

Stuck in box
For those of you who lost/deleted your list, did your parents take it well?

southernbelle0915 · July 2015

Jen4948 said:

Stuck in box
For those of you who lost/deleted your list, did your parents take it well?

Not at first. My mom was like "you know I wanted it! blah blah" but I was like "I'm sorry, I don't know what to tell you. I don't have it and I don't want to guess at what people gave." After a couple repeat conversations, it was not brought up again.

banana468 · July 2015

Jen4948 said:

Stuck in box
For those of you who lost/deleted your list, did your parents take it well?

I could hear MIL scream at DH on the phone from across the room and she wasn't on speaker phone. We just said that we weren't telling her though and didn't lie about losing a list.

And quite frankly, her tirade made it even less likely for me to share that information and more likely to not give into her petulance in the future.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

LD1970 said:

My mother wanted the list. I did my thank you notes, then promptly chucked the list & told mom I didn't have it anymore.

This is perfect!!!!

[Deleted User] · July 2015

banana468 said:

Jen4948 said:

Stuck in box
For those of you who lost/deleted your list, did your parents take it well?

I could hear MIL scream at DH on the phone from across the room and she wasn't on speaker phone. We just said that we weren't telling her though and didn't lie about losing a list.

And quite frankly, her tirade made it even less likely for me to share that information and more likely to not give into her petulance in the future.

I got lucky, I got my thank you cards all done within a 1-2 weeks after getting back from our Honeymoon so neither mom said anything. It was more important to them that thank you cards got written & not what we got & from whom.

ILoveBeachMusic · July 2015

Ok just curious. I understand gift giving is not tit for tat. I ,on the other hand, enjoy knowing what people get for presents. When I got married, I was living at home so my mom saw all the gifts I opened before the wedding and when we returned from the honeymoon. She enjoyed that. My daughter lives in another city so I'm not getting to see her open gifts she's getting pre-wedding. I would like to see her open gifts after the wedding and would like to know what she gets (not check amounts). Is that objectionable?

lyndausvi · July 2015

ugh my MIL is very tit for tat. We told her the amount her boyfriend gave us (which was over $1k), more because we were floored he would give that much. He couldn't even attend the wedding. We didn't give her information on others directly on cash amounts.

Indirectly we were open about physical gifts. Not for the tit for tat thing, but for how much we appreciated that so-n-so gave us "x" gift that we use all the time. 7 years later I get a compliment on something I often say "Aunt K gave that to us for our wedding" all proud.

APDSS22 · July 2015

ILoveBeachMusic said:
Ok just curious. I understand gift giving is not tit for tat. I ,on the other hand, enjoy knowing what people get for presents. When I got married, I was living at home so my mom saw all the gifts I opened before the wedding and when we returned from the honeymoon. She enjoyed that. My daughter lives in another city so I'm not getting to see her open gifts she's getting pre-wedding. I would like to see her open gifts after the wedding and would like to know what she gets (not check amounts). Is that objectionable?

Maybe you could just ask what they've gotten off the registry. Don't ask who gave what like you want to keep score. If they want to open gifts in front of family, they will probably plan for that.

You could casually mention you'd like to see them open their gifts but if they say no, just drop the subject.

jacques27 · July 2015

ILoveBeachMusic said:

Ok just curious. I understand gift giving is not tit for tat. I ,on the other hand, enjoy knowing what people get for presents. When I got married, I was living at home so my mom saw all the gifts I opened before the wedding and when we returned from the honeymoon. She enjoyed that. My daughter lives in another city so I'm not getting to see her open gifts she's getting pre-wedding. I would like to see her open gifts after the wedding and would like to know what she gets (not check amounts). Is that objectionable?

I think it's really dependent on the spirit in which you make the request and exactly what information you want.

Wanting to know what all she got because it's fun to share in the excitement of all the cool stuff she's getting? Cool.
Asking who gave a particularly unique gift that you notice? Probably cool.
Making repeated demands to know and see everything? Not cool.
Demanding to know exactly what every person gave? Really not cool.
Demanding to know who gave what so that you can play tit for tat and only spend on them what they spent on your daughter? Really, really not cool.
Making repeated demands for this information? Ridiculously gross.

Honestly, I could see my mother doing this, mostly just out of nosy curiosity akin to gossiping between friends - not that she'd do anything with that information. "Oh, who got you the decorative sea urchins?" Or even the slightly more nosy, borderline rude if it was anyone else asking but my mom who I know doesn't have nefarious intentions of "Holy crap, who bought you the $350 KitchenAid mixer?!?" Heck, I can even see her outright asking "Hey, what did Cousin Jane get you? She always has such good taste." Not saying that her wanting that information is right or proper - just that approach and intent is everything.

huskypuppy14 · July 2015

I don't see the big deal in telling her what physical gifts you got. Or maybe if she is curious about one person "what did Grandma get you" knowing grandma always give a wedding gift. But I would never give out actual dollar amounts, that is none of her business. And she should absolutely not get a list.

SP29 · July 2015

I think there is a big difference between asking what someone received because you would like to share in the excitement/ look at nice things (shower gifts are opened in front of everyone) and asking because you want to make a list so you can compare dollar amounts of how much you spend on gifts versus someone else.

My mom will ask me things like, "Oh show me what you got for your birthday. That's a nice shirt". Which I think is fine. Versus, "Oh show me what you got for your birthday. How much did that cost? Where is it from? Oh that store is pretty cheap..."

Crazy mom strikes again: gifts

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