• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
Wedding 911

Uninvited Guests

I've been very calm throughout the planning process, but not that RSVP's are coming in, I'm getting frustrated.

We aren't inviting kids under 12 years old. I followed all the rules of addressing envelopes (both inner and outer) and people aren't getting it. I just hate feeling like the bad guy because I have to actually tell people that their kids aren't invited. I am saying it in the nicest way possible and offering to help find a sitter (to be honest, I wouldn't know where to start for that) and that we would just like all the parents to have a good night out. I just want my guest to have a fun, worry free night. 

I know this is probably a normal problem for everyone, but I'm just worried that people who have kids will just bring them anyways.

Re: Uninvited Guests

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I've been very calm throughout the planning process, but not that RSVP's are coming in, I'm getting frustrated.

    We aren't inviting kids under 12 years old. I followed all the rules of addressing envelopes (both inner and outer) and people aren't getting it. I just hate feeling like the bad guy because I have to actually tell people that their kids aren't invited. I am saying it in the nicest way possible and offering to help find a sitter (to be honest, I wouldn't know where to start for that) and that we would just like all the parents to have a good night out. I just want my guest to have a fun, worry free night. 

    I know this is probably a normal problem for everyone, but I'm just worried that people who have kids will just bring them anyways.
    When you made the age cut off, did you make sure that you weren't splitting up families?  For example Tom and Sue have 3 kids ages 3, 5 and 14.  Inviting just the 14 year old is splitting up a family and is rude.

    But if you aren't splitting up families with your arbitrary cut off then you are fine.  Some parents think that their kids are just welcomed everywhere and RSVP as such.  The only thing you can do is say "I am sorry if there was any confusion, but only X and Y are invited."  Don't say anything about helping them to find a sitter.  That is not your concern.  Don't say anything about you wanting to them just to have fun and worry free night.  Some parents actually love being with their kids and can have just as much fun with them as they would without.  So just remind them who was invited and then let the parents decide if they want to come or not.

    And if people do decide to bring their kids anyways, well you need to think of what your actions will be if this happens.  You need to decide if you will just accept the additional uninvited guests or are you willing to have your staff turn people away.

    [Deleted User]ChemFanatic25
  • arrrghmateyarrrghmatey member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    edited July 2015
    Everything that PP said. Remember that you are not the bad guy here--they're the rude ones for expecting someone (whether a kid or not) was invited to your wedding when they clearly weren't addressed on the invite. 

    If/when you do have to contact these people, just keep it short and direct: "Sorry for the confusion, but the invite was just for you and so-and-so." Don't say Little Timmy wasn't invited, or that you are having a kid-free wedding, because that may come off as a little more insulting to the parents who think their kids should be invited to everything (not to mention it is rude). If they continue to insist that they need to bring their child or cannot find a sitter, you simply say "Well, I'm sorry we will miss you at our wedding." And let them make the decision. Don't try to accommodate them--that is not your responsibility.

    And yes, be prepared to have a plan in case people do show up with their children. You may consider having a staff member in place to turn people away who are trying to come in with their children. After all, there won't be a place to sit or a meal for them. 

    Edit: words and spelling.
                                     Wedding Countdown Ticker

                                                   image
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    Yeah, it sucks when people list uninvited guests on their RSVPs, because it forces you to have to deal with their rudeness.  You'll have to call and/or email them and tell them, "We're sorry for any confusion, but only you and your SO were invited.  We won't be able to accommodate your kids."

    And like PPs have said, have a Plan B in case people do bring their uninvited children.  You do not have to admit them unless you want to and are willing to assume the costs of doing so.  But if you don't, you will need to have venue staff and/or security persons to do the turning away, as in, "I'm sorry, but there's no seats or meals for your children.  We can't admit them."

  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    I agree with PPs also. I also want to reiterate that it's pretty ridiculous of you to assume that people can't have fun without their kids and they don't worry about them. Most people (hopefully) really enjoy their children and I assume they worry more about them when they're not around than when they are. It's not up to you to decide how people have fun and what they do or don't worry about. 

    We occasionally see people saying the same thing about inviting the spouses of their coworkers - that coworkers will have fun with each other and therefore they don't need to invite SOs. That's totally rude and not up to the hosts of the wedding to determine. 

    I've RSVPed to weddings with just myself and not with my H because of various reasons, including that I'll have fun with my friends and H likely won't have as good of a time. But if my H wasn't invited, I'd be pissed and decline the invitation. 

    I'm not saying that you're wrong by not inviting kids, just your reason doesn't make any sense at all. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    [Deleted User]MesmrEwe
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Definitely do not offer to help people find a sitter. They have kids. If they ever go out without them, they know how to find their own sitter.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    MesmrEwe
  • Life changes once you have kids, so a little perspective... 

    1) Etiquette doesn't change, you're not the "bad guy" for their inability to figure out "2 seats have been reserved in your honor"...  Call them up and say "Hey, got the RSVP back, we're having adults only, it's only you two, are you still able to come or not?" because without the kids being invited, they may very well not be able to come.

    2) Lose the it's a "parent's night out have fun without the kids".  Your wedding is not a date night.  Basically, when I hear that my response is "You're asking me to spend $80+ on a sitter and we have to leave before anything at the reception other than eating begins because we need to rush home by 8/9 - it's easier/cheaper/grandma's not available anyway because she's also a guest, to stay home!" especially if someone is from OOT, they aren't going to be able to get away that long ...  Not saying this is the case for all parents, but really, unless you're hiring a sitter that they can use/trust that is in an off-shoot room at the reception venue, saying (from your OP) you'll help them find one when you haven't the first clue on where to start, is just a setup for disaster on all accounts.  Addie is right - if a sitter is to be found the parents can do so themselves, not your job!

    3) Be prepared for a large number of declines, especially if you did something like split up families (i.e. they have a 14yo and younger siblings)...  Also if you've got nursing Moms this can also be an issue because depending on the age of the baby they are the only source of food for the baby.  And, not everyone has a sunshine and rainbows babysitter at their beck and call.  This is a reality of "no kids" events.  It just is.  You are within your options to have a "no-young-kids" event, but realize there are realities behind it.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Don't spend too much time worrying about it. It's your and your fiances wedding and there is no right or wrong way to have a reception anymore. Be prepared that some people may decline because they don't want to leave their kids with a sitter or don't have that as an option. No matter what, you will probably not get many "cannot attend" RSVPs solely for that reason, and I'm sure you will receive plenty of RSVPs for those who can attend and are really excited to celebrate your special day with you. You've done everything correctly up to this point, so don't stress about what you can't control (if someone shows up with their children still, as long as you feel comfortable, appoint a coordinator to politely explain that it is an adult-only event and that by allowing one kid in, it can create a snowball effect for all of those who weren't allowed to bring children, and then allow them to say congratulations to you and send them on their way). I am also having an adult-only wedding, and on Halloween to boot, so I'm already prepping for these phone calls but I'm standing firm on our decision (we invited 300+ adults and if we allowed kids it would not only break our budget, but we would be way over capacity in our event space).

    Good luck with everything and I'm sure they day will turn out for the best!
    Knottie92548810AussieCat42
  • Don't spend too much time worrying about it. It's your and your fiances wedding and there is no right or wrong way to have a reception anymore. Be prepared that some people may decline because they don't want to leave their kids with a sitter or don't have that as an option. No matter what, you will probably not get many "cannot attend" RSVPs solely for that reason, and I'm sure you will receive plenty of RSVPs for those who can attend and are really excited to celebrate your special day with you. You've done everything correctly up to this point, so don't stress about what you can't control (if someone shows up with their children still, as long as you feel comfortable, appoint a coordinator to politely explain that it is an adult-only event and that by allowing one kid in, it can create a snowball effect for all of those who weren't allowed to bring children, and then allow them to say congratulations to you and send them on their way). I am also having an adult-only wedding, and on Halloween to boot, so I'm already prepping for these phone calls but I'm standing firm on our decision (we invited 300+ adults and if we allowed kids it would not only break our budget, but we would be way over capacity in our event space).

    Good luck with everything and I'm sure they day will turn out for the best!
    Where on Earth did you get the idea that is in bold above?
    [Deleted User]MesmrEweTheCheeseWench
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards