Ex wife wanting to come to wedding

Knottie1430025803 · July 2015

My fiancé has been divorced for 8yrs and has a 9yr old daughter. Our wedding is next week. Ex wife has been pumping their daughter for information about the wedding for months. We finally divulged the date to SD a few weeks ago and she in turn told her mother (okay). Ex wife told SD she wanted to come to the wedding. SD begged us to invite her mom. Fiancé said no, sorry but there's only a certain amount of people we can invite. Today we went and looked at the venue and did a short run through of how we wanted everything set up. We are scheduled to have SD the day of the wedding. Tonight while SD and her mother were on the phone, fiamce overheard ex wife asking for the specific location and time of the wedding. SD is somewhat not keen on details, and gave vague answers. Has anyone dealt with an unwelcome ex/ex friend/family member? The wedding is in a public place (museum) but has volunteers. Since sd will be in the wedding, I obviously do not want to make a huge scene if ex wife does in case show up. Fiamce doesn't think ex wife has the gall to show up, but she pulled a similar stunt about wanting to come when I gave birth to our daughter last year.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

Your fiancé needs to talk to his ex and tell her in no uncertain terms that she is not invited to the wedding, that she is making both of you uncomfortable with her hinting and questions, and that using their very young daughter as a go-between is inappropriate and probably very confusing for her. If that doesn't penetrate and she does indeed show up on the day, you have to decide whether you're going to suck it up or designate someone (staff, one of your parents, etc.) to discreetly pull her aside and tell her that there have been no accommodations made for her and it would be best for her to leave.

Knottie1430025803 · July 2015

I'm thinking of designating future SIL and MIL as the polite "bouncers" in case she shows.

AddieCake · July 2015

That is really awkward. Your fiancé needs to make it clear she is not invited. She tried to come to the birth of your child? What is wrong with this woman?

Maggie0829 · July 2015

AddieCake said:

That is really awkward. Your fiancé needs to make it clear she is not invited. She tried to come to the birth of your child? What is wrong with this woman?

That would make me threaten a restraining order.

I think this woman needs to get a life of her own and stop trying to weasel her way into yours.

SP29 · July 2015

WOW. That is awkward. And crazy.

Spot on @slyveonplath.

Agreed, FI needs to talk to her now and nip this in the bud. Then have your plan in place in case she does show.

MyNameIsNot · July 2015

They both need to stop putting SD in the middle of their communications, but you can't control what the ex does. When SD asks your FI about her mother coming to the wedding, he should respond that that was between him and her mother. He can't stop the ex from telling the child these things, but he can stop allowing the daughter to be a source of information for the ex.

Your FI should approach the ex when the child is not around, and let her know that she won't be invited to the wedding, and ask her to stop asking the child about it. If she ignores him, that's on her.

If she shows up uninvited, your venue staff or security should be responsible for escorting her out. Not your FMIL and FSIL.

KatWAG · July 2015

Knottie1430025803 said:

I'm thinking of designating future SIL and MIL as the polite "bouncers" in case she shows.

Don't task someone else with this. Your fi needs to deal with this directly. After he speaks with her, if he still thinks she might show up then ask a DOC or someone from the venue to run interference.

emmaaa · July 2015

Your FI needs to call her and tell her she is not welcome at the wedding and if she does show up she will be escorted out.

a retraining order is a good start. Also hiring security or utilizing the volunteers at the museum.

STARMOON44 · July 2015

A restraining order? For someone who has never been violent, threatened violence, and who you need to maintain an on going relationship with? That's a terrible thing to start with and you're not likely to get one anyway.

climbingsingle · July 2015

emmaaa said:

Your FI needs to call her and tell her she is not welcome at the wedding and if she does show up she will be escorted out.

a retraining order is a good start. Also hiring security or utilizing the volunteers at the museum.

I don't think you can get a restraining order for someone hinting at crashing a wedding.

OP, that sucks. Definitely put your FI on it. He needs to tell her that she's not invited.

themosthappy91 · July 2015

Out of curiosity, why are you so against her coming? Do your FI and her have a bad relationship in general, or does she just struggle with boundaries?

If they have a generally good relationship and it would make your SD more comfortable to have her there, I might reconsider. I think it's crazy to escalate this conflict to the degree that some posters are suggesting. She is part of your life as the mother to your SD and you're going to have to work with her in raising this child, so it's best to keep things civil.

That being said, other PPs who have said FI should talk with her directly is my best advice if you really don't want her there.

That being said, I DEFINITELY understand your negative feelings to her based on her trying to be present for the birth of your child. Way not okay.

lyndausvi · July 2015

I've seen exes at a few weddings. In each case there was a great close relationship with all the parties. The couple WANTED them there.

This is not that case though. Your FI needs to stop putting his daughter in the middle and have an actual conversation with the ex.

If your ceremony is in the public place like a church or park, there isn't much you can do to keep her away. The reception or if the ceremony is at a private location I would alert security, the coordinator, etc about a potential crasher.

emmaaa · July 2015

climbingwife said:

emmaaa said:

Your FI needs to call her and tell her she is not welcome at the wedding and if she does show up she will be escorted out.

a retraining order is a good start. Also hiring security or utilizing the volunteers at the museum.

I don't think you can get a restraining order for someone hinting at crashing a wedding.

OP, that sucks. Definitely put your FI on it. He needs to tell her that she's not invited.

Yeah, you are right but I would at least threaten one to make her aware of how serious I was about her not being welcome.

Jen4948 · July 2015

emmaaa said:

climbingwife said:

emmaaa said:

Your FI needs to call her and tell her she is not welcome at the wedding and if she does show up she will be escorted out.

a retraining order is a good start. Also hiring security or utilizing the volunteers at the museum.

I don't think you can get a restraining order for someone hinting at crashing a wedding.

OP, that sucks. Definitely put your FI on it. He needs to tell her that she's not invited.

Yeah, you are right but I would at least threaten one to make her aware of how serious I was about her not being welcome.

I wouldn't go so far as to threaten your FI's ex, but he needs to make it very clear to her (through their divorce lawyers if necessary) that 1) she is not invited, 2) she is not welcome and will be turned away at the door if she comes, and 3) she is not to use their daughter as a messenger between her and you guys. I think you should also plan on having security at the wedding to escort her and any others away who require it.

climbingsingle · July 2015

emmaaa said:

climbingwife said:

emmaaa said:

Your FI needs to call her and tell her she is not welcome at the wedding and if she does show up she will be escorted out.

a retraining order is a good start. Also hiring security or utilizing the volunteers at the museum.

I don't think you can get a restraining order for someone hinting at crashing a wedding.

OP, that sucks. Definitely put your FI on it. He needs to tell her that she's not invited.

Yeah, you are right but I would at least threaten one to make her aware of how serious I was about her not being welcome.

I think it's pretty ridiculous to threaten someone with a restraining order when you have no legal basis to. That would most likely just make the situation worse, and he has a daughter with this woman.

emmaaa · July 2015

climbingwife said:

emmaaa said:

climbingwife said:

emmaaa said:

Your FI needs to call her and tell her she is not welcome at the wedding and if she does show up she will be escorted out.

a retraining order is a good start. Also hiring security or utilizing the volunteers at the museum.

I don't think you can get a restraining order for someone hinting at crashing a wedding.

OP, that sucks. Definitely put your FI on it. He needs to tell her that she's not invited.

Yeah, you are right but I would at least threaten one to make her aware of how serious I was about her not being welcome.

I think it's pretty ridiculous to threaten someone with a restraining order when you have no legal basis to. That would most likely just make the situation worse, and he has a daughter with this woman.

That's true.

OP, disregard my suggestion on the restraining order.

I still stand behind letting your FI handling this. He should have called her the moment she had his daughter asking questions. He needs to make it clear she is not welcome.

Knottie1430025803 · July 2015

ex wife has severe emotional and boundary issueS. I do not want her near my family or friends. When she found out I was pregnant she pulled this similar stunt with sending fiance a nasty email, tying to find out details through SD, telling DH SD did not need to visit in the hospital after the birth, then deciding SD should come but ONLY if she can come, etc. ex wife then told SD it wasn't fair that she wasn't invited to the hospital. SD didn't want to come see her new sister because we wouldn't let her mother come, etc. it all worked out thanks to SIL and MIL so SD was able to visit without ex wife showing up but we honestly thought she would show up. We planned the wedding to be on DHs schedled visitation time, and aftr she set the summer schedule so she couldn't withhold SD and claim she hadn't set the schedule. So hopefully she doesn't pull any tricks next week. DH thinks ex wife just wants to know so she can snark with her mom about it. I can see her showing up to "surprise" SD and then make us look "bad" by turning her away. i will haven FI take care of it by sending her an email. He will probably get a Rude response but oh well. If she shows at the wedding I will have him discuss it with her in private away from everyone. I just want to protect my family, SD, our DD, etc from her craziness. And yes,unfortunately, a restraining order isn't an option and would only makes the situation worse.

Knottie1430025803 · July 2015

I just wanted to see if anyone else had a similar issues with a possible crasher and how they cordially dealt with it. I just want as little drama as possible

thefanciestbeckler · July 2015

Oh HELL no! OP, I wouldn't want an ex wife at the wedding either, unless we had a very close, amicable relationship. She can be rude all she wants to, but in the end it is your day and it is really unusual for her to want to attend such a personal event... especially one that she is not wanted at or invited to.

MyNameIsNot · July 2015

STARMOON44 said:

A restraining order? For someone who has never been violent, threatened violence, and who you need to maintain an on going relationship with? That's a terrible thing to start with and you're not likely to get one anyway.

This. Restraining/Protective orders vary by state, but you almost always have to have a history of violence or a credible threat of violence. You can't just go get a restraining order because you don't want someone around.

They're also a pretty BFD. A restraining order shows up on a criminal background check, prevents you from owning a firearm, and usually comes with anger management or family violence protective classes. Not to mention, violating the order (even an email or phone call) is a felony. You don't go get a restraining order unless someone poses a really serious threat.

photokitty · July 2015

Knottie1430025803 said:

ex wife has severe emotional and boundary issueS. I do not want her near my family or friends. When she found out I was pregnant she pulled this similar stunt with sending fiance a nasty email, tying to find out details through SD, telling DH SD did not need to visit in the hospital after the birth, then deciding SD should come but ONLY if she can come, etc. ex wife then told SD it wasn't fair that she wasn't invited to the hospital. SD didn't want to come see her new sister because we wouldn't let her mother come, etc. it all worked out thanks to SIL and MIL so SD was able to visit without ex wife showing up but we honestly thought she would show up. We planned the wedding to be on DHs schedled visitation time, and aftr she set the summer schedule so she couldn't withhold SD and claim she hadn't set the schedule. So hopefully she doesn't pull any tricks next week. DH thinks ex wife just wants to know so she can snark with her mom about it. I can see her showing up to "surprise" SD and then make us look "bad" by turning her away. i will haven FI take care of it by sending her an email. He will probably get a Rude response but oh well. If she shows at the wedding I will have him discuss it with her in private away from everyone. I just want to protect my family, SD, our DD, etc from her craziness. And yes,unfortunately, a restraining order isn't an option and would only makes the situation worse.

Why are you calling him DH? Are you two already married? If you and this is a pretend wedding then you could use an evil villain in the second act

Knottie1430025803 · July 2015

Lol, no. Sorry. Wrong abbreviation.

themosthappy91 · July 2015

I just have to ask- if you really fear for the safety of your family around this woman and she has "severe emotional issues", why the heck aren't you guys fighting for full custody of SD? That seems like a bigger issue than wedding crashers.

Knottie1430025803 · July 2015

We are. The trial date is a few months out. Gotta tell you though, when you live in the south the mother has to be an immediate physical threat (ie drugs or physical abuse) in order to gain full custody. Essentially, fathers rights are slim unless the mom is a meth addict or straight up doesn't want the kid-which isn't the case in our situation

themosthappy91 · July 2015

Knottie1430025803 said:

We are. The trial date is a few months out. Gotta tell you though, when you live in the south the mother has to be an immediate physical threat (ie drugs or physical abuse) in order to gain full custody. Essentially, fathers rights are slim unless the mom is a meth addict or straight up doesn't want the kid-which isn't the case in our situation

That sounds really rough- good luck to y'all.

MyNameIsNot · July 2015

Knottie1430025803 said:

We are. The trial date is a few months out. Gotta tell you though, when you live in the south the mother has to be an immediate physical threat (ie drugs or physical abuse) in order to gain full custody. Essentially, fathers rights are slim unless the mom is a meth addict or straight up doesn't want the kid-which isn't the case in our situation

Not true. I've worked dozens of divorces in Georgia in which the father got primary custody and there was nothing wrong with the mother. I can't speak for the rest of the south, but Georgia is very serious about removing sexism from custody determination.

The problem is that women are still mostly the primary care-takers of the children during marriage.

justsie · July 2015

MyNameIsNot said:

Knottie1430025803 said:

We are. The trial date is a few months out. Gotta tell you though, when you live in the south the mother has to be an immediate physical threat (ie drugs or physical abuse) in order to gain full custody. Essentially, fathers rights are slim unless the mom is a meth addict or straight up doesn't want the kid-which isn't the case in our situation

Not true. I've worked dozens of divorces in Georgia in which the father got primary custody and there was nothing wrong with the mother. I can't speak for the rest of the south, but Georgia is very serious about removing sexism from custody determination.

The problem is that women are still mostly the primary care-takers of the children during marriage.

I think that majority of the men that seek full custody actually get it, I can't remember where that article was exactly but I absolutely remember reading that.

huskypuppy14 · July 2015

My ex boyfriend has full custody of his daughter. But the daughter's mother and him were not married, and she left them.

Knottie1430025803 · July 2015

Lucky them.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

When my ex and I got married we didn't invite either of our fathers (bad history, estranged, etc.) and provided the site coordinator pictures of both of them. As it turns out ex's father showed up and tried to enter the ceremony site. Coordinator recognized him and closed the entrance to the ceremony site before the guests could enter. She signaled the staff to escort him off the property to the waiting sheriff's car. My ex was none the wiser and the wedding went on with no more problems.

Ex wife wanting to come to wedding

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