Guests inviting friends to replace guests that wont be attending

Knottie1434259589 · July 2015

Ok so one of my brother's isn't going to be able to make the trip to my wedding but my nieces and nephew are coming. I found out that my niece (19 y/o) is planning to bring a friend to the wedding but she hasn't even asked! Our wedding is on the small side with family and close friends attending and since I knew my brother and wife weren't going to make it I figured WE could either save the money (it's a per person event) or invite guests of our choosing. Am I being unreasonable? Is it ok that people invite someone that isn't invited to replace someone that cant make it? My worry is that my nephew will want to bring a friend as well. Is this common? because a friend of mine wanted to invite her boyfriend's 2 cousins since her boyfriend couldn't make it to our engagement party! Please advice

and sorry for the wordiness!

AddieCake · July 2015

No, this is not ok. Normally, I'm ok with it, but this is her dad who isn't coming. If it were her boyfriend, I would say let her substitute. But you don't substitute for your dad. Her MOM could substitute for the dad (if they are together) IMO, but not the daughter.

Knottie1434259589 · July 2015

I thought the same thing about a boyfriend substituting but it's not, she's just trying to find a friend to come. Good to know I'm not the only one who thinks this is not ok!

southernbelle0915 · July 2015

Nope. Not OK. You are perfectly within your right to tell her she cannot bring a friend. Weddings aren't free for alls and this friend was not invited. She can accept (alone) or decline.

Jen4948 · July 2015

No. Invitations are not transferable. If one member of a couple can't accept an invitation, then the other cannot bring someone else instead of his/her SO. And if you are single and not invited with a plus-one, you are not welcome to bring a guest of your own.

Maggie0829 · July 2015

Yeah that would get a big hell no from me. Like Addie said if it was another family member to replace the Dad then okay. Or if someones SO couldn't come and they wanted to bring a friend because they didn't want to travel alone. But this isn't either or those scenarios.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

Knottie1434259589 said:

Ok so one of my brother's isn't going to be able to make the trip to my wedding but my nieces and nephew are coming. I found out that my niece (19 y/o) is planning to bring a friend to the wedding but she hasn't even asked! Our wedding is on the small side with family and close friends attending and since I knew my brother and wife weren't going to make it I figured WE could either save the money (it's a per person event) or invite guests of our choosing. Am I being unreasonable? Is it ok that people invite someone that isn't invited to replace someone that cant make it? My worry is that my nephew will want to bring a friend as well. Is this common? because a friend of mine wanted to invite her boyfriend's 2 cousins since her boyfriend couldn't make it to our engagement party! Please advice and sorry for the wordiness!

I'm sorry for the confusion, but the invitation was for you parents, not for your friends. I still hope you and your brother can make it.

ETA: OP, don't B-list if you get declines. It's rude.

MyNameIsNot · July 2015

adk19 said:

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Knottie1434259589 said:

Ok so one of my brother's isn't going to be able to make the trip to my wedding but my nieces and nephew are coming. I found out that my niece (19 y/o) is planning to bring a friend to the wedding but she hasn't even asked! Our wedding is on the small side with family and close friends attending and since I knew my brother and wife weren't going to make it I figured WE could either save the money (it's a per person event) or invite guests of our choosing. Am I being unreasonable? Is it ok that people invite someone that isn't invited to replace someone that cant make it? My worry is that my nephew will want to bring a friend as well. Is this common? because a friend of mine wanted to invite her boyfriend's 2 cousins since her boyfriend couldn't make it to our engagement party! Please advice and sorry for the wordiness!

I'm sorry for the confusion, but the invitation was for you parents, not for your friends. I still hope you and your brother can make it.

ETA: OP, don't B-list if you get declines. It's rude.

This. Invitations aren't transferable. You can tell her that she can't replace your brother with her friend, but you also shouldn't replace your brother with B listers.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

Just tell them that even though their dad isn't able to come and while that does free up one spot you aren't able to accomodate each of them to be able to bring a friend and it's not fair if one can bring someone and the other can't.

In regards to your friend, for the engagement party, if she isn't going to know anyone else at the party besides you, I would probably be more open to allowing her to bring one guest with the understanding that you won't be able to extend an invite to that person to the wedding.

TheCheeseWench · July 2015

What's with all of the rudeness everywhere these days? I know that finishing school is a thing of the past, but I would still hope that by 19 some common sense etiquette would be in play. You should absolutely tell her that she wasn't invited to bring a guest.

Knottie1434259589 · July 2015

Thank you all for your advice and opinions! It helped out a lot!

Please keep the advice and opinions I didn't ask for though

Knottie1434259589 · July 2015

Erikan73 said:

Just tell them that even though their dad isn't able to come and while that does free up one spot you aren't able to accomodate each of them to be able to bring a friend and it's not fair if one can bring someone and the other can't.
In regards to your friend, for the engagement party, if she isn't going to know anyone else at the party besides you, I would probably be more open to allowing her to bring one guest with the understanding that you won't be able to extend an invite to that person to the wedding.

You would think she didn't know anyone but she did! And to invite two guests in place of one? I just felt that it was inappropriate and that it would be awkward for her to bring 2 people I didn't know and that weren't invited

TrixieJess · July 2015

Knottie1434259589 said:
Thank you all for your advice and opinions! It helped out a lot!

Please keep the advice and opinions I didn't ask for though

Welcome to the Internet! It's full of advice and opinions even when you don't ask for it.

You are on a wedding etiquette board and you mentioned the possibility of B-listing, which is a big no-no here. You will get opinions on that because we do not want you to offend your guests.

Btw, if you B-list, people will talk, I was at a wedding where people were B-listed and they knew and they told everyone. Sadly, it was only one of of quite a few etiquette missteps.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

Knottie1434259589 said:

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Erikan73 said:
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Just tell them that even though their dad isn't able to come and while that does free up one spot you aren't able to accomodate each of them to be able to bring a friend and it's not fair if one can bring someone and the other can't.
In regards to your friend, for the engagement party, if she isn't going to know anyone else at the party besides you, I would probably be more open to allowing her to bring one guest with the understanding that you won't be able to extend an invite to that person to the wedding.

You would think she didn't know anyone but she did! And to invite two guests in place of one? I just felt that it was inappropriate and that it would be awkward for her to bring 2 people I didn't know and that weren't invited

I agree, she was totally wrong to try to replace one guest with two. I also agree, since she knew people, she didn't need to bring anyone to replace her BF since there would be people she could talk to & hang out with.

Jen4948 · July 2015

Knottie1434259589 said:
Thank you all for your advice and opinions! It helped out a lot!

Please keep the advice and opinions I didn't ask for though

By posting in the Internet and this board in particular, you did ask for our advice and opinions. You do not have the right to control what other people post, or to ask only for posts that rubber stamp your opinion.

Sometimes the opinions and perspectives of others can provide valuable insights into a situation and help come up with alternatives that might work better than whatever you've been doing. Accepting the possibility of that could help you.

AddieCake · July 2015

And you keep your smiley face emoticon when telling people what they can and cannot post.

Maggie0829 · July 2015

Knottie1434259589 said:

Thank you all for your advice and opinions! It helped out a lot!

Please keep the advice and opinions I didn't ask for though

Are you serious with this?

Knottie1434259589 · July 2015

Invitations haven't gone out people, give me a break. You're telling me you didn't second guess yourself while sending invites to some distant family members? Please

lyndausvi · July 2015

Knottie1434259589 said:

Invitations haven't gone out people, give me a break. You're telling me you didn't second guess yourself while sending invites to some distant family members? Please

nope. I didn't second guess any invites. Local or otherwise.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that if the niece is of age and traveling I would allow them to bring a friend. I'm nice like that.

Just so you know I'm not just giving advice, I actually did just that. I let an OOT couple bring their adult daughter I had not met simply because she was their driver. She ended up bring a date (found out at the wedding). I just let it roll off my back.

fyrchk · July 2015

I have had two guests mention this to me. Neither of them are bringing their SO and have told me that they are going to bring a friend instead. One of them is fine because that friend was going to be invited anyway, they are just acting as each other's dates. The other one, I don't know this person at all. And, tbh, I would feel weird going to a wedding where I didn't know the bride or groom unless it was a childhood friend of FI or something. I'm not sure how to respond. Especially when I'm paying $100 a head. I'd rather save the $100 then spend it on someone I don't know.

AddieCake · July 2015

fyrchk said:

I have had two guests mention this to me. Neither of them are bringing their SO and have told me that they are going to bring a friend instead. One of them is fine because that friend was going to be invited anyway, they are just acting as each other's dates. The other one, I don't know this person at all. And, tbh, I would feel weird going to a wedding where I didn't know the bride or groom unless it was a childhood friend of FI or something. I'm not sure how to respond. Especially when I'm paying $100 a head. I'd rather save the $100 then spend it on someone I don't know.

What difference does it make if you know the person or not? I didn't know several of my guests' spouses until our wedding. This is just not a big deal to me. You have budgeted for the people, why does it matter who they bring as their "date"?

Jen4948 · July 2015

AddieCake said:

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fyrchk said:

I have had two guests mention this to me. Neither of them are bringing their SO and have told me that they are going to bring a friend instead. One of them is fine because that friend was going to be invited anyway, they are just acting as each other's dates. The other one, I don't know this person at all. And, tbh, I would feel weird going to a wedding where I didn't know the bride or groom unless it was a childhood friend of FI or something. I'm not sure how to respond. Especially when I'm paying $100 a head. I'd rather save the $100 then spend it on someone I don't know.

What difference does it make if you know the person or not? I didn't know several of my guests' spouses until our wedding. This is just not a big deal to me. You have budgeted for the people, why does it matter who they bring as their "date"?

It might matter if the hosts or principals have really, really bad blood with that person that would not have gotten them invited in their own right. Whether or not they're taking the place of someone else who has been paid for does not give them the right to rewrite one's guest list.

fyrchk · July 2015

AddieCake said:

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fyrchk said:

I have had two guests mention this to me. Neither of them are bringing their SO and have told me that they are going to bring a friend instead. One of them is fine because that friend was going to be invited anyway, they are just acting as each other's dates. The other one, I don't know this person at all. And, tbh, I would feel weird going to a wedding where I didn't know the bride or groom unless it was a childhood friend of FI or something. I'm not sure how to respond. Especially when I'm paying $100 a head. I'd rather save the $100 then spend it on someone I don't know.

What difference does it make if you know the person or not? I didn't know several of my guests' spouses until our wedding. This is just not a big deal to me. You have budgeted for the people, why does it matter who they bring as their "date"?

Ummm...neither my FI nor I know them. Maybe it's just me, but I'd rather save $100 than spend it on someone who I don't know AT ALL. It's not like it's their spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, what have you. It's a random friend. If I have to keep my number to a certain amount, I'd much rather invite someone I know.

ETA: I see where you're coming from. I guess in my mind, I wouldn't want to go to someone's wedding I don't know. I would feel weird and bad that they are spending money to entertain someone they don't know.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

fyrchk said:

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AddieCake said:

fyrchk said:

I have had two guests mention this to me. Neither of them are bringing their SO and have told me that they are going to bring a friend instead. One of them is fine because that friend was going to be invited anyway, they are just acting as each other's dates. The other one, I don't know this person at all. And, tbh, I would feel weird going to a wedding where I didn't know the bride or groom unless it was a childhood friend of FI or something. I'm not sure how to respond. Especially when I'm paying $100 a head. I'd rather save the $100 then spend it on someone I don't know.

What difference does it make if you know the person or not? I didn't know several of my guests' spouses until our wedding. This is just not a big deal to me. You have budgeted for the people, why does it matter who they bring as their "date"?

Ummm...neither my FI nor I know them. Maybe it's just me, but I'd rather save $100 than spend it on someone who I don't know AT ALL. It's not like it's their spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, what have you. It's a random friend. If I have to keep my number to a certain amount, I'd much rather invite someone I know.

But you are inviting someone you know, you're inviting your friend and their spouse. Just because you have prior notice that the spouse can't make it doesn't mean you don't invite him, and it doesn't mean you get to invite someone else in their place. What if it turns out the spouse CAN come after all? Now you've assumed you had an extra spot and invited an extra person and have to spend Another $100 for that extra person YOU invited.

fyrchk · July 2015

If invitations are non-transferrable as has been stated many times and I invite Sally and Joe Smith, how is it okay for Sally to substitute Jane Doe for Joe Smith? Not trying to be argumentative, just asking for clarification. How is that any different than me saying, "I can't make it, so I'm sending my cousin in my place?"

I'm only asking because I feel like I'm getting mixed signals.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

fyrchk said:

If invitations are non-transferrable as has been stated many times and I invite Sally and Joe Smith, how is it okay for Sally to substitute Jane Doe for Joe Smith? Not trying to be argumentative, just asking for clarification. How is that any different than me saying, "I can't make it, so I'm sending my cousin in my place?"
I'm only asking because I feel like I'm getting mixed signals.

You are right. I'm just saying that the reason you are right is wrong. So, you send a STDate to Sally and Joe Smith. Before your invitations even go out, Sally tells you that Joe has an important business trip that weekend and she'll bring Jane Doe instead. You are absolutely in your right to say, "I'm sorry, the invitation was just for you and Joe, another person cannot be accomodated." Sally can tell you she doesn't want to attend alone and you can either allow her to bring Jane or allow her to decline the invitation along with Joe.

The point I was trying to make is that you can't hear prior to invitations that Joe can't come, and therefore decide to invite Sally alone. And invite someone on your B-list, Matt Jones, alone as a replacement for Joe. "I don't know Jane Doe, why would I allow Sally to bring her when I really want to invite Matt since he's the first person I couldn't invite due to venue limits?"

I hope that made a little sense.

fyrchk · July 2015

Absolutely. Thank you for the clarification. I think part of it also was that I was not clear in my initial (or subsequent) postings.

My first friend who is bringing a mutual friend, that's completely fine with me. Her husband is a doctor and on-call. Because we are getting married out of town, he can't come. She is using another friend as her "date" but other friend was going to be invited anyway. (And if it worked out for her husband to be able to come, it wouldn't be an issue.)

Second friend just volunteered that she is bringing someone other than her SO. That's the one that got my panties in a twist. And why I asked about the transferring of invites.

AddieCake · July 2015

You're getting mixed signals because some people think substitutions are fine and others don't.

Knottie1434259589 · July 2015

fyrchk said:

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AddieCake said:

fyrchk said:

I have had two guests mention this to me. Neither of them are bringing their SO and have told me that they are going to bring a friend instead. One of them is fine because that friend was going to be invited anyway, they are just acting as each other's dates. The other one, I don't know this person at all. And, tbh, I would feel weird going to a wedding where I didn't know the bride or groom unless it was a childhood friend of FI or something. I'm not sure how to respond. Especially when I'm paying $100 a head. I'd rather save the $100 then spend it on someone I don't know.

What difference does it make if you know the person or not? I didn't know several of my guests' spouses until our wedding. This is just not a big deal to me. You have budgeted for the people, why does it matter who they bring as their "date"?

Ummm...neither my FI nor I know them. Maybe it's just me, but I'd rather save $100 than spend it on someone who I don't know AT ALL. It's not like it's their spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, what have you. It's a random friend. If I have to keep my number to a certain amount, I'd much rather invite someone I know.
ETA: I see where you're coming from. I guess in my mind, I wouldn't want to go to someone's wedding I don't know. I would feel weird and bad that they are spending money to entertain someone they don't know.

I completely agree, if I don't know my guests' spouse or partner then that's ok because I wouldn't expect them to come alone but a random friend isn't ok to me, especially since like I mentioned, the invitation is for the family.

Knottie1434259589 · July 2015

scribe95 said:

There's a difference because whether the etiquette is okay - invitations are non-transferable and you are within your rights not to allow someone to bring someone else - and those of us who just don't care or see the big deal.

You can say no and save the $100 I guess. I just wanted my guests to be comfortable and since I already planned for that number of people I simply didn't care. A few of my single guests brought dates I had never met. It didn't bother me at all.

I'm doing the same thing as far as single friends bringing dates, I did take that into consideration, but I think the situation I'm asking about is different because it's my niece inviting a random friend when the invitation is meant for the family

[Deleted User] · July 2015

No, it's not OK. It's your wedding, not theirs. It's unreasonable and rude for them to even do such a thing.

Guests inviting friends to replace guests that wont be attending

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