Dealing with an autistic friend who apparently doesn't "get" etiquette/am I a shitty person?

Re: Dealing with an autistic friend who apparently doesn't "get" etiquette/am I a shitty person?

• redoryx member

  

  July 2015

  vivelepunk said:

  H and I were married in May at the court house, in our home city of Chicago. It was great! We wanted it to be really small, so it was. Our parents did not want that, so the compromise is my mom throwing us a celebration party in the state where we grew up (East Coast) in September so that we can celebrate with family and friends. I'm really excited, and it will be the first time I'm headed to the state where I grew up since moving to Chi to be with H.
  
  One of the people that I invited is my friend from college, Kristin, who very likely has mild autism/Aspergers. Since receiving the invitation, she's done nothing but pepper me with questions, such as:
  
  1) Is anyone else that she likes (her words) invited? (nope)
  2) Why can't I had invited more people that she was friends with? (they weren't my friends, and my mom is hosting, it would be rude)
  3) Really, why can't I just invite at least one person she's friends with? (my mom gave all unattached guests +1s.......)
  4) How is she getting to the party? (I don't know, she doesn't drive and lives 2 hours away)
  5) Can I go pick her up and then drive her home? (no. I'm in town for <48 hours, haven't seen friends in over a year, and will be flying in so I won't have a car with me.)
  6) Am I sure, absolutely SURE that I can't invite her bestie? (yes.)
  7) My parents are hosting, so they totally have extra money and time--they can go pick her up, right??? (I threw my phone at the wall when I saw this one)
  
  Etc. It's gone on for two weeks now, and I'm at my wit's end. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to keep answering her questions, which I've done in a polite and increasingly firm way (explaining why I can't, and then saying no, and then saying that the subject is closed). But it's not letting up. I blocked her number from my phone because she was texting me so frequently that the battery was wearing down in the middle of the day. She's begun emailing me, instead, with pleas for more of her friends to be invited and for a ride to the party. I've now begun to stress that she will act like that, continuously, while at the party. She's never acted like this before, so I had no indication that this behavior would come up. She has always been a little "off", but I chalked it up to social awkwardness.
  
  This is stressing me out beyond belief, and short of telling her not to contact me (or not to come to the party, which is what I'm hoping she decides to do anyway), I have no idea what to do.
  
  

  
  

  If this is unusual behavior, perhaps instead of blocking her you should ask if there is anything going on in her life that might be stressing her out. 

  

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• AddieCake member

  

  July 2015

  tell her she is welcome to bring her best friend, considering she was given a + 1.

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  July 2015

  vivelepunk said:

  H and I were married in May at the court house, in our home city of Chicago. It was great! We wanted it to be really small, so it was. Our parents did not want that, so the compromise is my mom throwing us a celebration party in the state where we grew up (East Coast) in September so that we can celebrate with family and friends. I'm really excited, and it will be the first time I'm headed to the state where I grew up since moving to Chi to be with H.
  
  One of the people that I invited is my friend from college, Kristin, who very likely has mild autism/Aspergers. Since receiving the invitation, she's done nothing but pepper me with questions, such as:
  
  1) Is anyone else that she likes (her words) invited? (nope)
  2) Why can't I had invited more people that she was friends with? (they weren't my friends, and my mom is hosting, it would be rude)
  3) Really, why can't I just invite at least one person she's friends with? (my mom gave all unattached guests +1s.......)
  4) How is she getting to the party? (I don't know, she doesn't drive and lives 2 hours away)
  5) Can I go pick her up and then drive her home? (no. I'm in town for <48 hours, haven't seen friends in over a year, and will be flying in so I won't have a car with me.)
  6) Am I sure, absolutely SURE that I can't invite her bestie? (yes.)
  7) My parents are hosting, so they totally have extra money and time--they can go pick her up, right??? (I threw my phone at the wall when I saw this one)
  
  Etc. It's gone on for two weeks now, and I'm at my wit's end. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to keep answering her questions, which I've done in a polite and increasingly firm way (explaining why I can't, and then saying no, and then saying that the subject is closed). But it's not letting up. I blocked her number from my phone because she was texting me so frequently that the battery was wearing down in the middle of the day. She's begun emailing me, instead, with pleas for more of her friends to be invited and for a ride to the party. I've now begun to stress that she will act like that, continuously, while at the party. She's never acted like this before, so I had no indication that this behavior would come up. She has always been a little "off", but I chalked it up to social awkwardness.
  
  This is stressing me out beyond belief, and short of telling her not to contact me (or not to come to the party, which is what I'm hoping she decides to do anyway), I have no idea what to do.
  
  

  Tell Kristin, "Kristin, these are the answers to your questions: You were invited with a +1 to the party, but it's up to you to arrange your own transportation there and back.  I'm sorry, but being deluged with questions about it has gotten old, and I'm not willing to be asked any more about who else is invited or to provide you with rides.  Once and for all, stop asking me."
  

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• aurianna member

  

  July 2015

  Yes, make it clear she was invited with a +1 and that can be anyone she wants, be it a date or just a friend. Maybe follow up with "Do you think if you bring your bestie, she can drive?"
  
  
  
  It's never cool to try to invite people to someone else's event, nor to make assumptions/demands for special favors like rides. But if she truly has aspergers, then that can also present with social anxiety and it makes sense why she's all freaked about going to a party with no one she knows and traveling to get there.
  
  The average person, when put in this situation, invited to a party that's two hours away when they'll know no one else there, might simply decline. That option may not be so clear to her. If she has it in mind that she wants to go to this party and see and spend time with you, she might be very set on that. "This is how it is!" and ideas contrary to that might not come as easy. Instead she's trying to figure out how to make her plan of coming to your party as a good, workable one.
  
  There's really not a great solution for both parties in this case.
  
  
  Curious: you say she hasn't been like this before, but then I have to wonder why you think she might have aspergers?
  
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  July 2015

  Friend, you've received an invitation to party, not a summons to court.  If you feel uncomfortable attending or just can't figure out the logistics to attend, maybe you should just decline the invitation and we'll get together another time.  Either way, it's stressing me out to get sixty text messages and emails every day about this.  Please either come and figure out yourself how to make that happen, or don't come and stop emailing me about it.

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• vivelepunk member

  

  July 2015

  redoryx said:

  vivelepunk said:

  H and I were married in May at the court house, in our home city of Chicago. It was great! We wanted it to be really small, so it was. Our parents did not want that, so the compromise is my mom throwing us a celebration party in the state where we grew up (East Coast) in September so that we can celebrate with family and friends. I'm really excited, and it will be the first time I'm headed to the state where I grew up since moving to Chi to be with H.
  
  One of the people that I invited is my friend from college, Kristin, who very likely has mild autism/Aspergers. Since receiving the invitation, she's done nothing but pepper me with questions, such as:
  
  1) Is anyone else that she likes (her words) invited? (nope)
  2) Why can't I had invited more people that she was friends with? (they weren't my friends, and my mom is hosting, it would be rude)
  3) Really, why can't I just invite at least one person she's friends with? (my mom gave all unattached guests +1s.......)
  4) How is she getting to the party? (I don't know, she doesn't drive and lives 2 hours away)
  5) Can I go pick her up and then drive her home? (no. I'm in town for <48 hours, haven't seen friends in over a year, and will be flying in so I won't have a car with me.)
  6) Am I sure, absolutely SURE that I can't invite her bestie? (yes.)
  7) My parents are hosting, so they totally have extra money and time--they can go pick her up, right??? (I threw my phone at the wall when I saw this one)
  
  Etc. It's gone on for two weeks now, and I'm at my wit's end. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to keep answering her questions, which I've done in a polite and increasingly firm way (explaining why I can't, and then saying no, and then saying that the subject is closed). But it's not letting up. I blocked her number from my phone because she was texting me so frequently that the battery was wearing down in the middle of the day. She's begun emailing me, instead, with pleas for more of her friends to be invited and for a ride to the party. I've now begun to stress that she will act like that, continuously, while at the party. She's never acted like this before, so I had no indication that this behavior would come up. She has always been a little "off", but I chalked it up to social awkwardness.
  
  This is stressing me out beyond belief, and short of telling her not to contact me (or not to come to the party, which is what I'm hoping she decides to do anyway), I have no idea what to do.
  
  

  
  

  If this is unusual behavior, perhaps instead of blocking her you should ask if there is anything going on in her life that might be stressing her out.
  
  

  That is a good idea, thank you. I was honestly so baffled and confused by this barrage that asking didn't occur to me, which proves that I probably am a horrible person
  

  
  

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• vivelepunk member

  

  July 2015

  aurianna said:

  Yes, make it clear she was invited with a +1 and that can be anyone she wants, be it a date or just a friend. Maybe follow up with "Do you think if you bring your bestie, she can drive?"
  
  
  
  It's never cool to try to invite people to someone else's event, nor to make assumptions/demands for special favors like rides. But if she truly has aspergers, then that can also present with social anxiety and it makes sense why she's all freaked about going to a party with no one she knows and traveling to get there.
  
  The average person, when put in this situation, invited to a party that's two hours away when they'll know no one else there, might simply decline. That option may not be so clear to her. If she has it in mind that she wants to go to this party and see and spend time with you, she might be very set on that. "This is how it is!" and ideas contrary to that might not come as easy. Instead she's trying to figure out how to make her plan of coming to your party as a good, workable one.
  
  There's really not a great solution for both parties in this case.
  
  
  Curious: you say she hasn't been like this before, but then I have to wonder why you think she might have aspergers?
  
  

  She is just a really blunt (to the point of rudeness) person, and doesn't understand when she says hurtful things. She's gotten fired from multiple customer service jobs for showing too much exasperation with customers or for breaking down under the pressure of retail and crying on the job. She's just not really able to handle social situations well, she's too freaked out by crowds to be in places like airports, etc. I've never talked about autism with her, but I know her father was diagnosed with pretty severe autism, and it kind of clicked when I read a description of personality descriptions about people with Aspergers.
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• vivelepunk member

  

  July 2015

  adk19 said:

  Friend, you've received an invitation to party, not a summons to court.  If you feel uncomfortable attending or just can't figure out the logistics to attend, maybe you should just decline the invitation and we'll get together another time.  Either way, it's stressing me out to get sixty text messages and emails every day about this.  Please either come and figure out yourself how to make that happen, or don't come and stop emailing me about it.
  
  

  Thank you. I think I will respond to her today and say something similar to what I bolded. Getting together another time isn't super possible because of the distance, but we could probably make something work next year.
  

  
  

  
  

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• vivelepunk member

  

  July 2015

  Thank you all for your help, I appreciate it very much.
  

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• SP29 member

  

  July 2015

  That is a bit tough. You want to be understanding (no you are not a bad person), but at the same time, she IS an adult (it is not like she lacks capacity or has someone else making her decisions... that is known), so you can deal with her as such.
  
  Good advice on telling her, "I invited you with a +1, that can be whoever you want. It will be your responsibility to figure out transportation. While I would love to see you, if you can't make it work, you don't have to come. Please stop with the incessant questions."
  
  Also a good idea to reach out to her as a friend and schedule a phone chat, where you can hopefully talk about non-wedding stuff.
  

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• Viczaesar member

  

  July 2015

  vivelepunk said:

  redoryx said:

  vivelepunk said:

  H and I were married in May at the court house, in our home city of Chicago. It was great! We wanted it to be really small, so it was. Our parents did not want that, so the compromise is my mom throwing us a celebration party in the state where we grew up (East Coast) in September so that we can celebrate with family and friends. I'm really excited, and it will be the first time I'm headed to the state where I grew up since moving to Chi to be with H.
  
  One of the people that I invited is my friend from college, Kristin, who very likely has mild autism/Aspergers. Since receiving the invitation, she's done nothing but pepper me with questions, such as:
  
  1) Is anyone else that she likes (her words) invited? (nope)
  2) Why can't I had invited more people that she was friends with? (they weren't my friends, and my mom is hosting, it would be rude)
  3) Really, why can't I just invite at least one person she's friends with? (my mom gave all unattached guests +1s.......)
  4) How is she getting to the party? (I don't know, she doesn't drive and lives 2 hours away)
  5) Can I go pick her up and then drive her home? (no. I'm in town for <48 hours, haven't seen friends in over a year, and will be flying in so I won't have a car with me.)
  6) Am I sure, absolutely SURE that I can't invite her bestie? (yes.)
  7) My parents are hosting, so they totally have extra money and time--they can go pick her up, right??? (I threw my phone at the wall when I saw this one)
  
  Etc. It's gone on for two weeks now, and I'm at my wit's end. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to keep answering her questions, which I've done in a polite and increasingly firm way (explaining why I can't, and then saying no, and then saying that the subject is closed). But it's not letting up. I blocked her number from my phone because she was texting me so frequently that the battery was wearing down in the middle of the day. She's begun emailing me, instead, with pleas for more of her friends to be invited and for a ride to the party. I've now begun to stress that she will act like that, continuously, while at the party. She's never acted like this before, so I had no indication that this behavior would come up. She has always been a little "off", but I chalked it up to social awkwardness.
  
  This is stressing me out beyond belief, and short of telling her not to contact me (or not to come to the party, which is what I'm hoping she decides to do anyway), I have no idea what to do.
  
  

  
  

  If this is unusual behavior, perhaps instead of blocking her you should ask if there is anything going on in her life that might be stressing her out.
  
  

  That is a good idea, thank you. I was honestly so baffled and confused by this barrage that asking didn't occur to me, which proves that I probably am a horrible person
  

  
  

  You're not a horrible person, you were just blindsided by your friend and so overwhelmed with the trees she was throwing at you that you lost sight of the forest.  Best of luck with your friend! 
  

  
  
  
  

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• STARMOON44 member

  

  July 2015

  Why can't you help her out a bit? You know this is hard for her and she is your friend. Is it really that hard to suggest she bring her best friend as her plus one and maybe that person can drive? It sounds like she isn't really capable of hearing "no I can't invite your bestie" and understanding that it would be completely fine to bring that person as her plus one. Instead it seems like you just keep shooting that down which confuses me- are you trying to convey that she can't bring her best friend as her plus one?

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• mollybarker11 member

  

  July 2015

  Yes I agree with pps who suggest explaining to her that she can bring her bestie as her +1. She may think that +1s are only for "dates"/romantic partners. Or she may feel uncomfortable inviting people to someone else's event herself, in which case maybe your mom could send an invitation to the bestie (with the understanding that your friend no longer gets a +1).

  
  

  I don't think "If you can't figure it out just don't come and I'll see you next year" is a good response until you've sorted out what it is she can't figure out.

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• mollybarker11 member

  

  July 2015

  As far as the transportation questions, maybe that bestie will be able to drive her and that's that. Otherwise yeah just send her a link to the bus/train schedule. It's very strange of her to expect you or your parents to spend 8hrs of your day driving her around.

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• vivelepunk member

  

  July 2015

  Thank you all for your input, I appreciate it.
  
  I think things are pretty settled now, unfortunately. I sent her an email yesterday explaining that while I really do want to see her, this isn't a do or die event, and there will be other chances for us to spend time together in the future. I explained (again..) that it is really impossible for me to give her a ride, that I won't have access to a car to drive, and that there is a commuter bus she would be able to take. I did offer to pick her up from the bus station, as it's only 15 minutes away from my parents house, and another one of my friends (who is sober/straight-edge) has offered to return her to the bus station after the party. I also really tried to stress that it was totally okay to invite her friend as a +1 (who lives in Minnesota, btw), but suggested that perhaps her bestie would not want to spend $$$ on airfare and a hotel this late in the game, and again tried to underscore the point about us spending time together at a different date.
  
  She replied back a few hours later and said that she would just have to miss the party, because she would be unable to get a ride to the bus station from her home. She also called me cruel and selfish, and said she was really hurt about this. I am at a loss, reading that hurt, but probably not as much as it would have hurt a few weeks ago before this whole mess began.
  
  
  

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• KatWAG member

  

  July 2015

  Why do you assume she has autism if this behavior is new?

  

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• vivelepunk member

  

  July 2015

  KatWAG said:

  Why do you assume she has autism if this behavior is new?

  The barrage of questions was a new phenomenon. As I said above, she is just a really blunt (to the point of rudeness) person, and doesn't understand when she says hurtful things. Like, she'll offer comments like "wow that makes you look really fat and awful" or "i hate that haircut!" without being asked for opinions. She's gotten fired from multiple customer service jobs for showing too much exasperation with customers or for breaking down under the pressure of retail sales and crying on the job/cursing out customers for being too demanding. She's just not really able to handle social situations well, she's too freaked out by crowds to be in places like airports, etc. I've never talked about autism with her, but I know her father was diagnosed with pretty severe autism, and it kind of clicked when I read a description of personality descriptions about people with Aspergers. Before now, I always just thought she was really awkward.
  

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• vivelepunk member

  

  July 2015

  Also, in her reply to me yesterday, she said she was hurt by my offer to invite her best friend as her +1. She wrote that I was selfish for not sending her friend her own invite, and that it was insulting to use a +1 for just a friend because "everyone would know that she's a virgin." So.. I dunno. I tried, but probably not hard enough. H was trying to calm me down yesterday and told me that I shouldn't have to work to please my friends like this, and he was most likely correct.
  
  So.. yeah. I'm just done with this. Thank you all again for your help, it was much appreciated.
  

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• KatWAG member

  

  July 2015

  vivelepunk said:

  KatWAG said:

  Why do you assume she has autism if this behavior is new?

  The barrage of questions was a new phenomenon. As I said above, she is just a really blunt (to the point of rudeness) person, and doesn't understand when she says hurtful things. Like, she'll offer comments like "wow that makes you look really fat and awful" or "i hate that haircut!" without being asked for opinions. She's gotten fired from multiple customer service jobs for showing too much exasperation with customers or for breaking down under the pressure of retail sales and crying on the job/cursing out customers for being too demanding. She's just not really able to handle social situations well, she's too freaked out by crowds to be in places like airports, etc. I've never talked about autism with her, but I know her father was diagnosed with pretty severe autism, and it kind of clicked when I read a description of personality descriptions about people with Aspergers. Before now, I always just thought she was really awkward.
  

  then try to get her some help, as opposed to being angry with her for something she cant control .
  

  

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• vivelepunk member

  

  July 2015

  KatWAG said:

  vivelepunk said:

  KatWAG said:

  Why do you assume she has autism if this behavior is new?

  The barrage of questions was a new phenomenon. As I said above, she is just a really blunt (to the point of rudeness) person, and doesn't understand when she says hurtful things. Like, she'll offer comments like "wow that makes you look really fat and awful" or "i hate that haircut!" without being asked for opinions. She's gotten fired from multiple customer service jobs for showing too much exasperation with customers or for breaking down under the pressure of retail sales and crying on the job/cursing out customers for being too demanding. She's just not really able to handle social situations well, she's too freaked out by crowds to be in places like airports, etc. I've never talked about autism with her, but I know her father was diagnosed with pretty severe autism, and it kind of clicked when I read a description of personality descriptions about people with Aspergers. Before now, I always just thought she was really awkward.
  

  then try to get her some help, as opposed to being angry with her for something she cant control .
  

  She is a 29 year old woman. I am not responsible for her well-being. I care about her, and I've been generally very supportive over the years of being friends with her, but I can't force her to get help. I've suggested talking therapy in the past before, but she gets very defensive about being seen as "crazy," even when I told her that it was very normal to have a therapist/shared with her that I'm in therapy as well.
  

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• mollybarker11 member

  

  July 2015 edited July 2015

  vivelepunk said:

  Also, in her reply to me yesterday, she said she was hurt by my offer to invite her best friend as her +1. She wrote that I was selfish for not sending her friend her own invite, and that it was insulting to use a +1 for just a friend because "everyone would know that she's a virgin." So.. I dunno. I tried, but probably not hard enough. H was trying to calm me down yesterday and told me that I shouldn't have to work to please my friends like this, and he was most likely correct.
  
  So.. yeah. I'm just done with this. Thank you all again for your help, it was much appreciated.

  If she genuinely didn't understand that no one would know how Bestie was invited, or that she could get a taxi from her house to the bus station, she may need some more help in her day-to-day life. (But considering you're a friend in a different town I don't think this responsibility falls on you.) But to me it sounds like was just extremely anxious about this event and may have been overwhelmed to the point where she couldn't think straight about that stuff.
  
  I know I wouldn't want to go to an OOT party where I didn't know many people. If she has social/anxiety issues that "don't want" feeling may have manifested itself in stress & guilt & anger. I think as long as you explained the situation kindly you shouldn't take her response personally.

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• vivelepunk member

  

  July 2015

  mollybarker11 said:

  Also, in her reply to me yesterday, she said she was hurt by my offer to invite her best friend as her +1. She wrote that I was selfish for not sending her friend her own invite, and that it was insulting to use a +1 for just a friend because "everyone would know that she's a virgin." So.. I dunno. I tried, but probably not hard enough. H was trying to calm me down yesterday and told me that I shouldn't have to work to please my friends like this, and he was most likely correct.
  
  So.. yeah. I'm just done with this. Thank you all again for your help, it was much appreciated.

  If she genuinely didn't understand that no one would know how Bestie was invited, or that she could get a taxi from her house to the bus station, she may need some more help in her day-to-day life. (But considering you're a friend in a different town I don't think this responsibility falls on you.) But to me it sounds like was just extremely anxious about this event and may have been overwhelmed to the point where she couldn't think straight about that stuff. I know I wouldn't want to go to an OOT party where I didn't know many people. If she has social/anxiety issues that "don't want" feeling may have manifested itself in stress & guilt & anger. I think as long as you explained the situation kindly you shouldn't take her response personally.

  So the party is pretty near to where she grew up/has lived most of her life, it's all in the same state, about 2 hours away. We both grew up/went to college in Maryland, then she immediately moved to Seattle after college and then back to Maryland when she kept losing jobs in Seattle. I moved to Chicago to be with H before she moved back to MD from Seattle, so I haven't seen her in maybe 5 years at this point. I'm just not really friends with anyone else from college anymore (it was years and years ago), so I didn't invite anyone else that she would have known. That was probably a mistake in retrospect, but we only invited 10 friends because we wanted to keep it really small.
  

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• SP29 member

  

  July 2015

  I agree, she was probably reacting out of stress, but it is also not your responsibility to fix that.
  
  You DID give her options, a +1 (which has no tie to a romantic relationship... even if she was in a romantic relationship she could still bring her best friend, but she obviously doesn't understand that), information on the bus schedule and an offer to pick her up from there. I think you did your best to accommodate her. You don't need to feel bad that you didn't directly invite her best friend, or that you won't go pick her up from her house.
  
  Maybe let her cool off for a bit, then re-connect with her on a friend level, party aside, and make some future plans to see her.
  

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