Changes After Marriage

hellohkb · July 2015

This one is for the OMHs but us unmarried folks should chime in as well.

I've heard a lot of people say everything changes after marriage, but I've heard some people say nothing changes, and everything in between. While I think this is probably a case by case thing, I'm wondering what your thoughts and experiences have been like.

I have no idea how my relationship will change after marriage but I'm not expecting a whole lot. We will have been together for over 9 years when we get married and we know each other pretty well. Anything is possible, though.

Heffalump · July 2015

My background was similar: DH had been together for 7 years when we got engaged, 8 by the time we were married, and have been married for 9 years. I really didn't expect anything to change, but afterward be both agreed that we felt different. More of a team, or a unit, or whatever. It wasn't a huge change, but we noticed it nonetheless.

KatWAG · July 2015

H and I lived together and had sex before we were married. (Gasp!) The only thing that really changed in that we combine our finances, but we have very similar pending habits. So very little changed for us.

TrixieJess · July 2015

I think relationships change in different stages. I know our relationship changed when we moved in together. We had to adjust to each other that way. It changed again when our son was born. It's changing and growing every day.

Our relationship also goes through ups and downs depending on what else is going on. It's how we weather those ups and downs and our communication with each other. It's why we decided after all this time to get married, because our relationship works and we work at it.

redheadbride15 · July 2015

We've been married 6 weeks and I get asked this question almost every day by someone or other. I feel the same, except that I get to refer to my partner as "my husband" and I LOVE that (I hated using "boyfriend" and even "fiancee" - those words never seemed to convey the level of commitment that I've felt for a long time).

Maggie0829 · July 2015

Well H and I were together 9 years before getting married and had lived together for 2 of those years. Once we decided to live together we created a joint checking and savings account and figured out our financials as a couple. So once we were married absolutely nothing changed except my last name.

We have now been married 4 years (this Thursday actually) and we are still the same couple as we always have been. We still bicker about the same things and annoy each other with the same stuff. But I wouldn't have it any other way.

lyndausvi · July 2015

DH and I were hot and heavy early on. We met, had sex, then our first date, then all but moved in with me all within a few weeks. He would have officially moved in, but he had just signed a lease.

Except for a deeper sense of commitment, I do not think much changed by getting married.

Other life changes had a bigger impact. Lost jobs, moving, DH getting sick. Stuff like that. That's life though. It's forever changing. There is always a new "normal".

PamBeesly524 · July 2015

KatWAG said:

H and I lived together and had sex before we were married. (Gasp!) The only thing that really changed in that we combine our finances, but we have very similar pending habits. So very little changed for us.

This is us! The only thing that changed logistically for us was our bank accounts... Even emotionally, we still feel the same and talk the same way to each other, etc. I think the only thing that I have noticed "changing" is that some of our conversation is more about long-term topics. We always talked about long-term stuff pre-marriage but now that we are on the other side of the wedding they are becoming more concrete: When should we buy a house? When we do, where would we like to live? When do you think we should start trying for kids? That sort of thing.

ShesSoCold · July 2015

H and I lived together and had combined finances for years before we got married.

Our first anniversary is Monday and honestly, I suddenly feel this weird "omg this is it" pressure. Like the cold feet pressure people sometimes feel before their weddings, but mine is happening a year into marriage, even though we've been together eight years. I'm totally happy and totally in love with H, but I keep feeling like, "what if I fucked up?" for no reasonable reason. I think it might have to do with my mom passing last year and how she'd settled and stayed in two unhappy marriages for too long. I'm sure it will pass.

pinkcow13 · July 2015

I've only been married a month and a half, but nothing really changed for us. We just opened our joint account on Saturday, and I'm in the process of the name change. Beyond that, it has pretty much been the same. We are having more discussions about what our living situation will be (whether we move out of state vs local), and about kids (whether we want to have them or not).

southernbelle0915 · July 2015

The only that changed for us was using our new vocab ("wife" and "husband") and just generally being excited about being married!

We'd been together 4 years, lived together for 2, had sex, purchased a house.... so it was just daily life as usual.

AddieCake · July 2015

Nothing really changed for us. We had been living together for a couple years before getting married, though. There were changes in our lives due to the move, job changes, etc, but not because we got married.

emmaaa · July 2015

DH and I were together for 6 years, engaged a year, and lived together 2 years, by the time we got married. We had also been friends since we were five. We knew each other's habits (good and bad) and personalities at that point.

However, there was a sense of commitment we both felt. A lot of people asked how it felt or if it felt any different. I had moment of freaking out because my dad officially knew I wasn't a virgin, I changed my last name, and I could finally call DH my husband. Most the time I tell people that it's the same but different.

luckya23 · July 2015

In my two whole weeks of experience, everything seems exactly the same. We haven't combined money yet, and I'm not changing my name.
I was worried that I wouldn't feel some big shift, and I really didn't.

I'm so glad that I don't have to say "fiance" anymore, bc that always seemed so aw to me. I hate that word!

thisismynickname2 · July 2015

Hmm... We weren't together very long before getting engaged. He moved in with me about 5 months before the wedding. So, in a sense, we're still getting used to just being together all the time.

I agree with previous posters who mentioned that now the official commitment has happened, conversations are more about the long term. Sure, before getting married, we talked about having a kid (or maybe not). Now, it's like, yes, we can actually plan this now. We can officially save for a new home together now since his old place finally sold.

Things feel... more concrete post-wedding.

beachyone15 · July 2015

We were together for about two years before we got married. We did live together for about a year of that time (after we got engaged). I honestly don't feel like much has changed in our daily lives (except for buying a house). We love being together and spending time with our families, so for us I'd say this first year has been a breeze!

MyNameIsNot · July 2015

We lived together for a few years before marriage. We had already combined finances as much as we ever did, and kept our names. The day to day things didn't change at all.

Still, something just felt different. It wasn't heightened commitment; we had been very committed. I never have been able to put my finger on that feeling. Maybe just a newness.

I did notice how much differently people treated us after marriage than before. It was like there was a heightened level of respect for our relationship.

twoleighs · July 2015

We met 2 years ago this month. We've lived together for 1.5 years and got married 2 months ago.

We both feel different in a good way. My Mom says we look "at peace". It's a nice feeling.

CMGragain · July 2015

I think having children changes your life more than getting married does. DH and I knew each other for almost 10 years before we were married. I knew what I was in for.

redheadbride15 · July 2015

luckya23 said:

In my two whole weeks of experience, everything seems exactly the same. We haven't combined money yet, and I'm not changing my name. I was worried that I wouldn't feel some big shift, and I really didn't. I'm so glad that I don't have to say "fiance" anymore, bc that always seemed so aw to me. I hate that word!

Yes, this exactly! I've always hated the word fiancee too. I always felt like just using it casually in conversation would automatically get people really excited and they'd all forget what I was saying and start asking "when's the wedding? did you get a dress? where is it going to be? I looooooove weddings! aren't you excited? etc. etc. etc."

luckya23 · July 2015

redheadbride15 said:

luckya23 said:

In my two whole weeks of experience, everything seems exactly the same. We haven't combined money yet, and I'm not changing my name.
I was worried that I wouldn't feel some big shift, and I really didn't.

I'm so glad that I don't have to say "fiance" anymore, bc that always seemed so aw to me. I hate that word!

Yes, this exactly! I've always hated the word fiancee too. I always felt like just using it casually in conversation would automatically get people really excited and they'd all forget what I was saying and start asking "when's the wedding? did you get a dress? where is it going to be? I looooooove weddings! aren't you excited? etc. etc. etc."

Exactly what I meant! It seemed to almost always get that reaction so it's like no I didn't mean to bring up my wedding!!

wandajune6 · July 2015

We shacked up almost immediately, despite technically having separate addresses. We got engaged pretty quickly then married pretty quickly.

Nothing really feels all that different. Even the decisions and planning we do as a couple are no different than what we would have done from the start. It's what I expected.

loveislouder · July 2015

We knew each other in high school so nothing has really changed over here. I feel like the big changes are going to come with having children, losing parents, moving houses, that kind of stuff.

PandaNikki · July 2015

We were together for 7 years, lived together for 4 years, had combined finances for 3 years, and had a house/were engaged for 1 year when we got married. (That reads funny to me when I write it all down like that).

Everyone kept asking me if it felt different. At first, the only thing that really changed was my name and that we can call each other husband and wife. But as a few months went on, it felt a little different. Like, I noticed that I was less ok with going to visit my family without him than I was before we got married. I find that I miss him more when we are apart, but at the same time I'm much more secure in our relationship - not that I wasn't before or didn't trust him, it just feels like a deeper sense of commitment, if you know what I mean.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

I wonder about this myself. We've been dating for almost 7 years, living together for 6 years, and just bought a house last year. This weekend he told me that his bank sent him an alert that his account is down to $400, so he'll be taking money from our joint account to pay some of our vacation bills, is that okay? I've put us on a five-year-plan to move from Chicagoland to the Denver area in 2019; I thought I'd need the five years to get him on board, but he's upset we bought a house in Chicagoland with a 120 foot long driveway instead of going straight to Denver last year. We're committed and planning our future even though he's still technically just my boyfriend and not my husband or even my fiance.

ohmrs2014 · July 2015

To be honest, we did have a rough few months after the wedding, but thats because we moved in together a month and a half before the wedding, so we had to adjust to living with another person. Once we just got used to living with each other, it has been awesome. Now we are adding a child into the mix in November and I know that things are going to change even more, but its all apart of life.

princessleia22 · July 2015

DH and I had lived together for 5 years before getting married. We had combined all our finances about 3 years before marriage. We really expected it to be exactly the same and marriage was nothing more than a piece of paper at that point. We had already been through rough times and good times, and really knew what we were getting into and what to expect long term with each other. There is definitely a new level of respect others give your relationship after marriage, which is nice. And, like others said, there was "something" that felt slightly different. Not a major change, but DH and I both noticed it. It's kind of like we became stronger as a team or maybe just a sense of higher confidence in us as a team? I don't know... it's hard to explain. Or maybe it's like PP said about it just being a quality of inner peace that wasn't there before.

My sister, on the other hand, had a much tougher time adjusting to marriage. They had known each other only about 1.5 years and moved in together a couple months before wedding. She moved out of state to be with him, so new home, new location, new job. They both had kids from previous relationships. So, there was a lot of new and a lot of adjustments for her. They hadn't really learned everything about each other yet, didn't know each others quirks, and really had to get to know each other while combining their lives. It's been a much rockier road for her than it was for me.

So, I think it really depends on how close to "married" you are before the wedding. If you are practically living like a married couple already and feel that level of commitment, it likely won't feel all that different. If you are having to make a lot of changes to go along with the wedding, it will be a big adjustment and feel very different.

mrscomposer · July 2015

We got married seven months after meeting, so yeah - EVERYTHING changed

But... at the same time, not really. It's weird. The major things changed like him moving in, amalgamating finances, changing my name, etc... but it seemed like those weren't even the big changes. It was more of a gradual feeling of - not being responsible for someone - but knowing that for every day of the rest of your life, what you do will affect someone else, and vice versa.

It's also the dichotomy of 'holy crap, I have to deal with you every day' and 'I can't believe I get to see you every day'.

Bubblegum5586 · July 2015

As other PP's have said, H and I had been together a long time before marriage. We dated for over 7 years and lived together over 4 years when we got married. But things did change for us... nothing huge and hard to explain as others have said but it is different. The thing I notice the most is how we fight and our conflict resolution. We make up so much faster then we did before marriage. I think we realize this is it and we have to make up at some point so better sooner then later.

I have also noticed more respect from others about our relationship as others have mentioned and our talks of the future. H hates to plan more then a week out in life... while I can sit here and plan the next 20 years! But we purchased a house 6 months after the wedding which really rooted us down to an area and now we are talking kids.... like really talking and planning for soon. I can't believe it! We will be celebrating 2 years of marriage in the fall

ahyatt87 · July 2015

DH and I were together for nine years when we got married (engaged for two years, living together for seven years, combined finances for four years). Before getting married we had already gone through a major move, dropping from two incomes to one, purchasing a car, getting/taking care of two pets, and mourning periods when some of my family members passed away. We get asked if how things are different all the time. They really aren't. We had an adjustment period when we first moved in together, but that's about it. I think the next big adjustment will be if/when we have kids. But I think the reason we've been on the same page is because we are very open and honest with each other and have a great line of communication.

ETA: grammar

NowIamMrsKlein · July 2015

While FI and I haven't been together as long as some of the PP's, we were long distance for the first 1.5 years, and then immediately moved in together following that. We will have been together 3.5 years when we get married. I think for us the big changed happened when we went from seeing each other 4 days a month to every day.

I can't see much changing once we are married. We will officially combine finances, but we already consider all money 'ours' so it will mainly just be a technicality of getting it into one place.

And also, as others have mentioned. I hate the term Fiance. It sounds so young to me. I can't wait to be able to call him my husband.

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