Wedding Etiquette Forum

Wedding's in 16 days - HELP

tlhmjonestlhmjones member
First Comment First Anniversary
edited July 2015 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I have a long story, so I'll try to make it short.  My daughter is getting married on Aug 1, 2015.  She invited all family.  However, an aunt who's husband (my brother in law) killed himself isn't liked by some family members.  She has paid for half of the hall rental and will be surprising the B&G with a 2 night hotel stay.  Here's the kicker:  my daughter's grandfather and an uncle said that if the aunt is invited (already done) that they won't show up and that we will be considered "just as bad as her".  My other sister in law is performing the ceremony and had a meeting with the family to discuss the aunt's invitation.  She said she felt like she was in a firing squad.  So now, the family wants me to un-invite her.  Really?  How am I supposed to do that?  My husband said - what's worse, having 1 person mad at you or the whole family?  I have NOT told our daughter yet as she has an anxiety disorder and also can't understand why people can't just get along.  HELP!!!!!  

Re: Wedding's in 16 days - HELP

  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    She's contributed to the wedding. You can't un-invite her. Tell these family members they can suck it for one day, or not come. 

    STARMOON44[Deleted User]newvalleyjaprincess24
  • edited July 2015
    tlhmjones said:
    I have a long story, so I'll try to make it short.  My daughter is getting married on Aug 1, 2015.  She invited all family.  However, an aunt who's husband (my brother in law) killed himself isn't liked by some family members.  She has paid for half of the hall rental and will be surprising the B&G with a 2 night hotel stay.  Here's the kicker:  my daughter's grandfather and an uncle said that if the aunt is invited (already done) that they won't show up and that we will be considered "just as bad as her".  My other sister in law is performing the ceremony and had a meeting with the family to discuss the aunt's invitation.  She said she felt like she was in a firing squad.  So now, the family wants me to un-invite her.  Really?  How am I supposed to do that?  My husband said - what's worse, having 1 person mad at you or the whole family?  I have NOT told our daughter yet as she has an anxiety disorder and also can't understand why people can't just get along.  HELP!!!!!  
    Childish is too soft a word for how they're acting. She's obviously close enough to you and your daughter that she would contribute to the wedding and make a nice gift of the hotel for the B&G, so I assume you don't share these family members opinion of her. They can either act like civilized adults and show up (and politely ignore her if they absolutely must) or not come, but they don't get to hold you and your daughter hostage with threats so they have their way. If you're close enough to invite her and let her be as involved as she is, I guarantee they already consider you "as bad as her" and say so when you're not present, and are just letting you know now so they can make you do what they want. Tell them you're all family and this is a family event so they can come and act like it or not come and insult you and your daughter, find a back-up officiant in case of the worst happening, and move on as planned. 
    [Deleted User]luckya23
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    They are BSC.  Tell them that the invitations have gone out, no one will be uninvited, and that the subject is closed.
    [Deleted User]
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    What a bunch of assholes. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    Like others said, you can't uninvite the aunt.  I think you just need to tell them that they need to grow up.  Just because they have a problem with her doesn't mean that everyone does and it is completely unfair and bullshit that they try to put you and your daughter in a position to choose sides. If they can't act like civilized adults, that's their problem.  Tell them that if they care about your daughter, they need to suck it up and act like mature adults and stop trying to ruin her wedding with stupid family drama. If they are unable to grow up long enough to come to the wedding, they will be sorely missed.

    image 

    [Deleted User]tlhmjonesSP29
  • I totally agree with all of you - here's the kicker: it's my husband's dad and brother and mom being jerks.  His sister, the one doing the ceremony is in agreement with me.  The fight isn't about my daughter-it was about the adults, but now my husband is saying that I just don't get it and doesn't want to tick off his dad, brother, and mom.  I told my husband that if they don't want her there, then THEY should be the ones to tell her, not me.
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    This story is a little weird.  Is the aunt in question daughter/brother of the bride's grandfather/uncle?  Why is it necessary information that this aunt's H committed suicide?  Does that factor into why the bride's grandfather and uncle don't like nor want this aunt invited to the wedding?    Not my business, but that's the first thing that came to my mind.

    Either way, tell the bride's grandfather and uncle that if they cannot put aside their differences with aunt for one day while bride gets married, then they will be missed.  You can tell them that aunt will be sat in a different area of the reception than they are, so the chances of them having to see each other will be diminished.  (Then make a seating chart seating these two different groups of the family on opposite sides of the room) Also, inform your venue of the potential issues between aunt and grandfather/uncle.  Tell the venue they are free to ask anyone to leave if they are getting out of hand.  This will reflect poorly on the people acting out and no one else.

    [Deleted User]
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Also, for internet safety and all.  REMOVE your email address from your post.  If you have problems editing contact the mod or Knot Gods.
    [Deleted User]tlhmjonesChemFanatic25
  • tlhmjonestlhmjones member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited July 2015
    FIL + MIL had 4 children, 1 committed suicide - they blame the wife (she told him he gave her & their daughter Aids so the fam thinks that's why he did it).

    The deceased's wife and child have been excluded from all family activities, but remain close with our children. This is the woman in question.
  • tlhmjonestlhmjones member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited July 2015
    My husband agrees with his sister and me, but remains loyal to his other family and feels like we should sacrifice one (her) to save the many(his family)
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    tlhmjones said:
    I totally agree with all of you - here's the kicker: it's my husband's dad and brother and mom being jerks.  His sister, the one doing the ceremony is in agreement with me.  The fight isn't about my daughter-it was about the adults, but now my husband is saying that I just don't get it and doesn't want to tick off his dad, brother, and mom.  I told my husband that if they don't want her there, then THEY should be the ones to tell her, not me.

    tlhmjones said:
    FIL + MIL had 4 children, 1 committed suicide - they blame the wife (she told him he gave her & their daughter Aids so the fam thinks that's why he did it).

    The deceased's wife and child have been excluded from all family activities, but remain close with our children. This is the woman in question.
    I am irritated for you that your husband is basically siding with his parents and brother.  By not speaking up that is pretty much what he is doing.

    Losing a family member is hard.  Even harder when that family member takes his/her own life. To blame someone else, regardless of what that person may have said or done, will not make anyone feel better about what happened or bring them back.

    And sorry, but how the hell is this just now being brought up?  I would tell your husband that under no uncertain terms will you be dis-inviting this Aunt.  That she is contributing to the wedding and providing a nice gift to the B&G.  Tell your husband that he needs to speak with his family and tell them that she will not be uninvited and that it is up to them whether or not they choose to attend knowing that the Aunt is invited.  Also have him say that if they do decide to come that he expects them to act civil, or at least ignore her, for the sake of his daughter.

    Hopefully if they all attend they can act civil with each other for a few hours.

    tlhmjonesOliveOilsMomSTARMOON44SP29
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    tlhmjones said:
    My husband agrees with his sister and me, but remains loyal to his other family and feels like we should sacrifice one (her) to save the many(his family)
    I'm sorry but your husband is being just as much of an ass as his family.  This woman is paying for part of your daughters wedding and he just wants to kick her to the curb because his family can't be damn adults for 5 hours?

    tlhmjonesOliveOilsMomSTARMOON44[Deleted User]
  • thank you, everyone, for confirming what I was already thinking.  Here's my additional thoughts:

    Keep it as is = in-law issues and maybe hubby (doubt it but maybe).  She shows up, doesn't cause issues.  Case closed.

    Tell her the fam has issues = happy in-laws & hubby.  She shows up anyway on a rampage and causes big issues = in-law issues anyway.

    I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.  I will be going to my SIL's tonight (she tried to get the fam to understand) and explain that I will NOT do this.  If the other in-laws want her not to be there, then they can tell her AND explain to my daughter who will probably flip out and cancel the wedding to go to the justice of the peace.
    Maggie0829
  • tlhmjones said:
    My husband agrees with his sister and me, but remains loyal to his other family and feels like we should sacrifice one (her) to save the many(his family)
    Your husband is pretending this is a utilitarian issue when it is in fact an etiquette issue. It is bad etiquette to rescind invitations, especially to people that are contributing to the hosting of the event. It is bad etiquette to ask you to do this in the first place, it's bad etiquette to threaten you/your daughter if you do not comply with their unreasonable demands, and there is no way you can go along with them without being rude and hurtful yourself. 
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    tlhmjones said:
    thank you, everyone, for confirming what I was already thinking.  Here's my additional thoughts:

    Keep it as is = in-law issues and maybe hubby (doubt it but maybe).  She shows up, doesn't cause issues.  Case closed.

    Tell her the fam has issues = happy in-laws & hubby.  She shows up anyway on a rampage and causes big issues = in-law issues anyway.

    I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.  I will be going to my SIL's tonight (she tried to get the fam to understand) and explain that I will NOT do this.  If the other in-laws want her not to be there, then they can tell her AND explain to my daughter who will probably flip out and cancel the wedding to go to the justice of the peace.
    The bolded is your best bet. If you tell her what the family is telling you, that's going to just make her feel shitty. 

    You need to reiterate to your husband and his family that this. is. not. their. wedding. This is not the place. This is not about them. They can do whatever they want at their own parties and functions but they will NOT be allowed to ruin your daughter's wedding. This is about her and her fiance, NO ONE else.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    Maggie0829OliveOilsMomSP29kimmiinthemitten
  • Also, for internet safety and all.  REMOVE your email address from your post.  If you have problems editing contact the mod or Knot Gods.
    Also, @Liatris2010 or whoever quoted OP, could you edit her email out of your posts?
  • edited July 2015
    tlhmjones said:
    thank you, everyone, for confirming what I was already thinking.  Here's my additional thoughts:

    Keep it as is = in-law issues and maybe hubby (doubt it but maybe).  She shows up, doesn't cause issues.  Case closed.

    Tell her the fam has issues = happy in-laws & hubby.  She shows up anyway on a rampage and causes big issues = in-law issues anyway.

    I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.  I will be going to my SIL's tonight (she tried to get the fam to understand) and explain that I will NOT do this.  If the other in-laws want her not to be there, then they can tell her AND explain to my daughter who will probably flip out and cancel the wedding to go to the justice of the peace.


    ----------------------BOXES-------------------------------------------

    Family drama is the worst and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I think you might feel better about dealing with this situation by reframing it in your head -- you are seeing this as a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation, but honestly, you aren't being presented two equally bad choices, equally morally weighted choices. You are being asked to go against etiquette and hurt someone you care about for the sake of other's egos at an incredibly late juncture. None of this is a surprise to your husband's family members and they're choosing now to spring this on you. There is only one choice you can make that would not be rude or hurtful on your part, and they are asking you to do something else. It is they who are in the wrong, and they who are being rude, not presenting you with an equal choice.
    [Deleted User]SP29
  • tlhmjones said:
    thank you, everyone, for confirming what I was already thinking.  Here's my additional thoughts:

    Keep it as is = in-law issues and maybe hubby (doubt it but maybe).  She shows up, doesn't cause issues.  Case closed.

    Tell her the fam has issues = happy in-laws & hubby.  She shows up anyway on a rampage and causes big issues = in-law issues anyway.

    I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.  I will be going to my SIL's tonight (she tried to get the fam to understand) and explain that I will NOT do this.  If the other in-laws want her not to be there, then they can tell her AND explain to my daughter who will probably flip out and cancel the wedding to go to the justice of the peace.
    I'm really sorry all of this is happening. I think you're making the right choice to not let the aunt know that other people are causing problems. To the bolded, though, I wouldn't throw this out there as an option to these people. It sounds like these people might be big enough dicks to actually do it. Might they do it on their own without you mentioning it? Sure. But there's no reason to plant the seed.

    Daisypath Wedding tickers
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    STARMOON44luckya23OliveOilsMom
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My goodness... husband's family sucks. Sorry you are in this position.

    Do not tell the aunt what the family is saying- that is only going to hurt your feelings, and as you have said, this is not your problem to deal with. If they have something to say to her, they can say it to her on their own time, don't get yourself stuck in the middle.

    Do not rescind the invite to the aunt- she is obviously close with your daughter.

    I would TELL your husband that neither of you should be getting involved in this stupid drama and to remember what this day is about- your daughter! Have him tell his family that aunt is important to you daughter, just as they are, so all have been invited and that is final. They need to shut their mouths for the day and at least be civil. They don't have to like her, or talk to her, but they can be adults and be there for your daughter.

    Husband should be dealing with his family on this, presented your united front. However, if any of them directly address the subject with you, I wouldn't hesistate to give them a piece of my mind!
  • fyrchkfyrchk member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    I'm guessing the aunt is well aware of the family's feelings about her as you mentioned they have shunned her and her child since her husband's death.

    The family can't have their cake and eat it, too. She has given money towards your daughter's wedding and a lovely couple of nights at their hotel. Your husband needs to stand up for his daughter to his family. As a PP said, she will remember the slight and it will mar her memories of the day. If they can't put their love for your daughter over their dislike for the aunt then this is their problem and not yours, your daughter's, or the aunt's.

    Time for some people to put on some big boy and big girl panties and adult.
    kimmiinthemitten[Deleted User]SP29
  • mollybarker11mollybarker11 member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited July 2015
    Do not uninvite the aunt.

    Do not tell the aunt that her late husband's family doesn't want her at the wedding. Do not tell the family to tell the aunt they don't want her there. She probably already knows. Plus that's a roundabout way of uninviting her (by intimidation, basically) and is even cattier than uninviting her outright.

    Do not tell your husband's family to tell your daughter about all this drama. And don't do it yourself either. She doesn't need the extra anxiety.

    Do not discuss this with your SIL anymore. Even though she's on your side, it sounds like she's been made the messenger in this battle. You're getting 2nd-hand information from her family, and her family is getting 2nd-hand information from you. That is making things more complicated. If she brings it up again, simply say "[Aunt] is invited, the matter is closed." This is also what you should say if her family brings it up to you directly.

    [Deleted User]kimmiinthemitten[Deleted User]SP29
  • mollybarker11mollybarker11 member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited July 2015
    I feel for your husband and get that he doesn't want his blood-relatives to be angry with him or hurt by his actions. But try to make him understand that uninviting the aunt would be against etiquette regardless of the circumstances, and these circumstances are absolutely ridiculous. His family has an on-going grudge against the aunt and yet they didn't mention not wanting her at the wedding until 16 days out? Ridiculous.

    Hopefully you can make him understand this so that he can be the one to tell his family "[Aunt] is invited, the matter is closed." PP's suggestion of explaining she'll be seated at a different table may help, but his family may be too caught up in their hatred to be soothed by anything. Good luck! :(

    [Deleted User]
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    @tlhmjones How'd it go with hubby and his fam last night?
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