Wedding Etiquette Forum

Groom paying his own way for a casual bachelor party?

alishaandrewalishaandrew member
First Comment First Anniversary
edited July 2015 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hello fellow knotties! I'm just looking for other people's advice on this topic. So for my fiancee's bachelor party they are taking a bus into Portland, renting a hotel for 2 nights, doing the stripper thing of course, nothing fancy. Just today the best man said that my fiancee is going to owe at least $150 for the party. The best man booked a somewhat nice hotel but for all my fiancee cares they could stay in a motel 6 and he'd be happy with it. No one in the wedding party is struggling financially, they're all in their 30s and have fairly fruitful careers. We are paying for most of our wedding on our own. Maybe I'm crazy but I don't think my fiancee should be putting money into his own bachelor party in this situation. How should he approach this situation without sounding like an a$$hole? My worry is that he's too nice and will fork up the money, or is it appropriate for them to be asking this? Thanks in advance!

Re: Groom paying his own way for a casual bachelor party?

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    This is the tech help board, so you should post this on one of the other boards or maybe a mod or admin can move it for you.

    If your fiancé doesn't have that money to spend, then he should tell his friend they need to have a party that involves less expense for everyone. Personally, I would not be willing to pay for a bride or groom's hotel, bus, or airfare. Dinner, drinks, a show, sure. But not big ticket items. And I wouldn't expect anyone to pay that for me, either. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    OliveOilsMom
  • Ok thank you
  • I'd move this to etiquette, but I don't have mod power's on this board, so it is stuck here.

    Technically, bachelor parties should be hosted, meaning the people hosting do the paying, and the guest of honor does not. With that in mind, I think destination bachelor parties put a lot of strain on the hosts, so I am not a huge fan. I think your FI should suggest a local party, or if he is insisting on going someplace else, then he should volunteer to pay for those costs. My H really wanted to go to Vegas for his party, so he subsidized everyone's hotel and paid for his own flight. I had my party locally and didn't pay for anything.So, even though the hosts should pay, I think it is unfair to ask them to do so if the guest of honor has lofty expectations. If the BM is the one with too-high expectations, the groom can request he dial it back.
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    SP29
  • Thanks, sorry I was having trouble finding where to post a question, didn't realize I was posting on a tech board, now I can't figure out how to delete it or move it lol.
    My fiance didn't have any requests for the bachelor party at all.  His best man decided he wanted to take him to Portland about 2 years ago when he was asked to be best man.  Now it's 2 weeks before the bachelor/ette parties.  We certainly do not want any part of our wedding to be a financial burden whatsoever, I think he's asking the other groomsmen their opinion and may request to stay somewhere more affordable or local.
    I've been to quite a few bachelorette parties and I would have never expected a bride to be to pay for a thing, even at times where I was down and out, but that's just me.
    I was only asking for him because he seemed so upset about it last night and wasn't sure how to handle it properly.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Someone has moved it for you.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • edited July 2015
    If someone is throwing a party in your honor,  you usually don't have to pay to attend that event.   Plus, it's just inconsiderate to expect someone to pay without first asking them if they are able to.

    Your Fi should be upfront with the guys and just tell them he wasn't expecting to contribute and can't afford it right now.   How many guys are going?  $150 is somewhat inexpensive, if you have a few guys going they should be able to split that amount into a fairly small contribution.   


  • LD1970LD1970 member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper

    I'd move this to etiquette, but I don't have mod power's on this board, so it is stuck here.

    Technically, bachelor parties should be hosted, meaning the people hosting do the paying, and the guest of honor does not. With that in mind, I think destination bachelor parties put a lot of strain on the hosts, so I am not a huge fan. I think your FI should suggest a local party, or if he is insisting on going someplace else, then he should volunteer to pay for those costs. My H really wanted to go to Vegas for his party, so he subsidized everyone's hotel and paid for his own flight. I had my party locally and didn't pay for anything.So, even though the hosts should pay, I think it is unfair to ask them to do so if the guest of honor has lofty expectations. If the BM is the one with too-high expectations, the groom can request he dial it back.

    This. Where I come from, generally the planners/hosts and maybe even all the guests attending split the guest of honor's costs at a bach party. But if the guest of honor is demanding anything over the top (which he shouldn't be in the first place), then he should pay his own way.

    My H would have loved to have his bach party in Vegas, but he knew his friends and brother didn't have that kind of money and no way could we have paid for it while paying for the wedding, so he never even mentioned the hope to his guys. Instead, he kept his mouth shut and they took him to Atlantic City (where he played poker with his own money), an inexpensive motel, and the Dogfish Head Brewery the next day,all of which they were apparently comfortable paying for.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
  • I don't think your FI should be invoiced for the party if he had no part in planning it. He should let his BM know that $150 is too expensive and he would be just as happy doing something less expensive. However, I do not think that he should expect everyone else to pay for him.
    Anniversary
    Blue_BirdSP29
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    The best man should ask everyone involved in planning what their budgets are. Since the whole point of the party is for the groom, if he wants the groom to pay he needs to ask about budget if he expects the groom to pay for things.
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  • edited July 2015
    Viczaesar said:
    If someone is throwing a party in your honor,  you usually don't have to pay to attend that event.   Plus, it's just inconsiderate to expect someone to pay without first asking them if they are able to.

    Your Fi should be upfront with the guys and just tell them he wasn't expecting to contribute and can't afford it right now.   How many guys are going?  $150 is somewhat inexpensive, if you have a few guys going they should be able to split that amount into a fairly small contribution.   


    It's not their job to pay that.  No bride or groom should expect the people attending their bachelor/ette party to pay for the bride or groom's travel or hotel expenses.  If he can't afford it or doesn't want to spend it he needs to tell his best man that he can't afford a trip, but he shouldn't be expecting anyone else to pay for him and shouldn't be upset that they're not.   
    I disagree. Bach parties are hosted events that the bride/groom typically are not suppose to plan/have a say in.  They're also optional, like bridal showers.  People offer to host these events.   If the bride and groom have NO say in the party, and the bridal party says, " We're taking you OOT for your bach party,"  then they should pay for the hotel.  Is not an entitlement issue, but you invited someone to a party in their honor. As the host, you've chosen to take on this responsibility.   That's like inviting a guest of honor to a bridal shower or a surprise birthday party.  You'd never host a shower for a bride and then hand her the bill asking to contribute to a portion of the shower costs.  This is the same thing.  You planned a party/trip in someone's honor, you're hosting and you should cover all costs.     If you can't afford to host the person you invited, then don't plan a trip/party you can't fully afford.   You plan something simple that is affordable for all the hosts involved. 

    This would be different if the groom wanted/suggested this type of party.  If that's the case, then he had a hand in the planning and should pay for sone of it.  However, again, if someone just invites you for an event in your honor, then you shouldn't be expected to pay.

    This is how we do it in my social circle. The honored guest just shows up. We pay for everything, because we're hosting the event in that person's honor.  Now, if the honored guests asks for specifics or wants something different, then we might say that they need to contribute because their ideas are beyond what we can afford. 

     At this point, I would never demand that they pay (that's just rude); however, I would politely decline.   It's rude for someone to assume you're going to contribute to something you had absolutely no say in and didn't ask to for. 
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Viczaesar said:
    If someone is throwing a party in your honor,  you usually don't have to pay to attend that event.   Plus, it's just inconsiderate to expect someone to pay without first asking them if they are able to.

    Your Fi should be upfront with the guys and just tell them he wasn't expecting to contribute and can't afford it right now.   How many guys are going?  $150 is somewhat inexpensive, if you have a few guys going they should be able to split that amount into a fairly small contribution.   


    It's not their job to pay that.  No bride or groom should expect the people attending their bachelor/ette party to pay for the bride or groom's travel or hotel expenses.  If he can't afford it or doesn't want to spend it he needs to tell his best man that he can't afford a trip, but he shouldn't be expecting anyone else to pay for him and shouldn't be upset that they're not.   
    I disagree. Bach parties are hosted events that the bride/groom typically are not suppose to plan/have a say in.  They're also optional, like bridal showers.  People offer to host these events.   If the bride and groom have NO say in the party, and the bridal party says, " We're taking you OOT for your bach party,"  then they should pay for the hotel.  Is not an entitlement issue, but you invited someone to a party in their honor. As the host, you've chosen to take on this responsibility.   That's like inviting a guest of honor to a bridal shower or a surprise birthday party.  You'd never host a shower for a bride and then hand her the bill asking to contribute to a portion of the shower costs.  This is the same thing.  You planned a party/trip in someone's honor, you're hosting and you should cover all costs.     If you can't afford to host the person you invited, then don't plan a trip/party you can't fully afford.   You plan something simple that is affordable for all the hosts involved. 

    This would be different if the groom wanted/suggested this type of party.  If that's the case, then he had a hand in the planning and should pay for sone of it.  However, again, if someone just invites you for an event in your honor, then you shouldn't be expected to pay.

    This is how we do it in my social circle. The honored guest just shows up. We pay for everything, because we're hosting the event in that person's honor.  Now, if the honored guests asks for specifics or wants something different, then we might say that they need to contribute because their ideas are beyond what we can afford. 

     At this point, I would never demand that they pay (that's just rude); however, I would politely decline.   It's rude for someone to assume you're going to contribute to something you had absolutely no say in and didn't ask to for. 
    I don't agree that a bachelor or bachelorette party is like a shower.  All guests should be consulted on their budget, and all guests should expect to pay their own way.  If the guest of honor is not consulted on the cost he or she can decline, but he or she cannot expect the other guests to pay for them.



    AddieCakehuskypuppy14
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited July 2015
    Viczaesar said:




    Viczaesar said:



    If someone is throwing a party in your honor,  you usually don't have to pay to attend that event.   Plus, it's just inconsiderate to expect someone to pay without first asking them if they are able to.

    Your Fi should be upfront with the guys and just tell them he wasn't expecting to contribute and can't afford it right now.   How many guys are going?  $150 is somewhat inexpensive, if you have a few guys going they should be able to split that amount into a fairly small contribution.   



    It's not their job to pay that.  No bride or groom should expect the people attending their bachelor/ette party to pay for the bride or groom's travel or hotel expenses.  If he can't afford it or doesn't want to spend it he needs to tell his best man that he can't afford a trip, but he shouldn't be expecting anyone else to pay for him and shouldn't be upset that they're not.   



    I disagree. Bach parties are hosted events that the bride/groom typically are not suppose to plan/have a say in.  They're also optional, like bridal showers.  People offer to host these events.  
     If the bride and groom have NO say in the party, and the bridal party says, " We're taking you OOT for your bach party,"  then they should pay for the hotel.  Is not an entitlement issue, but you invited someone to a party in their honor. As the host, you've chosen to take on this responsibility.   That's like inviting a guest of honor to a bridal shower or a surprise birthday party.  You'd never host a shower for a bride and then hand her the bill asking to contribute to a portion of the shower costs.  This is the same thing.  You planned a party/trip in someone's honor, you're hosting and you should cover all costs.     If you can't afford to host the person you invited, then don't plan a trip/party you can't fully afford.   You plan something simple that is affordable for all the hosts involved. 

    This would be different if the groom wanted/suggested this type of party.  If that's the case, then he had a hand in the planning and should pay for sone of it.  However, again, if someone just invites you for an event in your honor, then you shouldn't be expected to pay.

    This is how we do it in my social circle. The honored guest just shows up. We pay for everything, because we're hosting the event in that person's honor.  Now, if the honored guests asks for specifics or wants something different, then we might say that they need to contribute because their ideas are beyond what we can afford. 

     At this point, I would never demand that they pay (that's just rude); however, I would politely decline.   It's rude for someone to assume you're going to contribute to something you had absolutely no say in and didn't ask to for. 



    I don't agree that a bachelor or bachelorette party is like a shower.  All guests should be consulted on their budget, and all guests should expect to pay their own way.  If the guest of honor is not consulted on the cost he or she can decline, but he or she cannot expect the other guests to pay for them.

    *****ETA BOXES******

    This. The BM screwed up by not asking the groom about his budgebudget before hand, but to expect the guests to cover additional costs at this point would be worse. The groom has two option, pay or decline the party.

    As for the bridal shower defense (:unamused:) if you have a oot shower, you would not expect the host to pay for your hotel or travel costs...that's the same thing here. If the BM gave the groom a bill for his dinner, I'm going to think the BM is lame and should never have offered to plan a bachelor party for the groom, who he offered to host for the evening, that he couldn't afford dinner and/or drinks...just like a hostess should never offer to throw a shower if she can't afford to provide refreshments appropriate for the time of day at the shower.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm with Knottie#s here- the groom was never asked for his input or budget, the party was planned for him, in his honour. I get what you are saying photokitty regarding the shower, but the shower is one event, held for 2 hours.

    I feel like if the BM tells the G, "We're taking you OOT for a weekend", that weekend is the event, and is hosted.

    At the same time though- at THIS point, I don't think it's fair to ask the other attendees to cover the cost of the groom (that should have been discussed prior). The BM also did a poor job of planning- if he expected the groom to contribute, he should have asked the groom's budget prior to planning it.

    This is also why I dislike OOT bach. parties- trying to plan a hosted trip is a lot of work and financial stress where often one or more people feel put out.

    In closing though, I will agree at this point, the groom should either pay the $150 or tell his BM that he was not informed of the cost prior and cannot contribute, so he would prefer to stay local.
    [Deleted User]
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