Wedding Party

Hurt Feelings

lillyodomlillyodom member
Second Anniversary First Comment
edited July 2015 in Wedding Party
I have a close friend that lives 12 hours away and that I have grown apart from but when we are together it's like time never passed. My fiance and I have finally decided on a smaller destination wedding and I chose 3 bridesmaids and didn't chose her. She is so far I figured she might not want to have all the responsibilities of being in the wedding when she may only come to the ceremony itself.  We are close enough that I felt the need to let her know and she seemed fine at first. She wanted to know who I did choose and since finding out she refuses to get back to me. She hasn't answered my phone calls and the only text I've gotten is "I need to process all of this". I have gone back and tried to see if she still wants to be in it because its obvious that even if she can't make it to anything she still wants to stand beside me and I've read where other brides let friends get ready with the WP and all that day but she won't get back with me. Where do I go from here? Was it bad taste to go back and ask if she wants to be a bridesmaid?

Re: Hurt Feelings

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    Yes.  The only "responsibilities" any bridesmaid has are to obtain the required outfit and show up in it on time, sober, and in good spirits.  There are no other responsibilities-not planning the wedding, not going shopping with the bride or other wedding party members, not doing DIY projects for the bride, not throwing parties, nothing.  Being far away doesn't mean she couldn't have handled that.

    You shouldn't have "felt the need to let her know."  It's never appropriate to tell someone that you're (generic throughout this paragraph) not going to invite them/ask them to be in your wedding party because it really feels like a slap across the face.  If you're not going to do that, then just keep your mouth shut about it.

    And having done that, asking her if she wants to be a bridesmaid now makes it sound like a consolation prize for not asking her the first time.  B-listing wedding party members is just as bad as B-listing wedding guests-it makes them feel not really wanted.

    The best thing you can do now is just let it go, because it remains to be seen whether she wants to be friends with you after this.  You behaved rudely towards your friend and really hurt her feelings. 

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    You should never assume how someone may feel.  You know what they say when you assume something.  So basically by you assuming how she would feel you in turn caused this strain with your friend.  At this point you need to take the wedding out of it and just concentrate on apologizing to your friend and mending your relationship.

    lillyodomHeffalump
  • Let it go and when you do contact her, don't mention wedding stuff unless she asks about it. Talk about work, weather, dating, anything but your wedding or her being a BM. As time goes on, hopefully it won't be an issue anymore.
    lillyodom
  • Thank you for the helpful tips, some more than others. I don't ask someone to be a bridesmaid to show up sober, in good spirits in a dress I picked out, I can hire anyone to do that. I choose friends who are going to be supportive throughout the entire process because that's how I am with my friends and they appreciated it. Without having to go into massive details of our friendship there is more to my decision than just I thought she would be too far. I've apologized but I'm not kissing her ass when 95% of the time she doesn't show up for me. And I am unsure of how I was supposed to respond when she asked me who I did ask because I definitely didn't rub it in her face. I'm just going to let it go and hopefully she will understand.
  • I mean, if you didn't want to ask her to be a BM, fine. But FTR, there are no "responsiblities" of being a BM outside of buying a certain dress and showing up on time.

    Also, I wouldn't have said "I didn't choose you because..." If someone said that to me, I'd just be like mmmkay...and you're telling me I'm second rate because? You may want to apologize for bringing that up. No explanation or excuses...just "I can see how that would have been hurtful, and I'm sorry."

    From now on, I just would avoid wedding talk with her.
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    Jen4948Heffalump
  • lillyodom said:
    Thank you for the helpful tips, some more than others. I don't ask someone to be a bridesmaid to show up sober, in good spirits in a dress I picked out, I can hire anyone to do that. I choose friends who are going to be supportive throughout the entire process because that's how I am with my friends and they appreciated it. Without having to go into massive details of our friendship there is more to my decision than just I thought she would be too far. I've apologized but I'm not kissing her ass when 95% of the time she doesn't show up for me. And I am unsure of how I was supposed to respond when she asked me who I did ask because I definitely didn't rub it in her face. I'm just going to let it go and hopefully she will understand.
    Honey, just a warning, this attitude will not go over well here. You do not need "support". You are getting married. Your friends are there to stand up with you as an honour, not a duty. If you need support, may I suggest:

    image
    HeffalumponefootinthebayouLiatris2010lc07
  • snowywintersnowywinter member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited July 2015
    Let's not start the support debate all over again. Support doesn't have to be only available in times of tragedy. People lend support for good things too. I may disagree with her in this case, but I would never assume to tell her what she needs.
    AddieCake
  • lillyodom said:
    Thank you for the helpful tips, some more than others. I don't ask someone to be a bridesmaid to show up sober, in good spirits in a dress I picked out, I can hire anyone to do that. I choose friends who are going to be supportive throughout the entire process because that's how I am with my friends and they appreciated it. Without having to go into massive details of our friendship there is more to my decision than just I thought she would be too far. I've apologized but I'm not kissing her ass when 95% of the time she doesn't show up for me. And I am unsure of how I was supposed to respond when she asked me who I did ask because I definitely didn't rub it in her face. I'm just going to let it go and hopefully she will understand.
    Honey, just a warning, this attitude will not go over well here. You do not need "support". You are getting married. Your friends are there to stand up with you as an honour, not a duty. If you need support, may I suggest:

    image
    Seriously!

    For what do you need support?  You're throwing a PARTY!  Why on earth would you need support throughout the entire process of Throwing a Party?
    onefootinthebayouTrixieJess
  • Let's not start the support debate all over again. She is using the word correctly. You may disagree with her, but don't assume you know what she "needs."
    No, she needs someone to reassure her that "everything will be okay" *pat on hand*. If you need this kind of "support" to get married, you may need to rethink why you are getting married and who you are getting married to if you cannot get this "support" from your future spouse. 

    Your WP is there to be honoured by you because they are special to you. THAT'S IT. Pick dress, wear dress, show up, party. FIN.
    onefootinthebayou
  • Let's not start the support debate all over again. Support doesn't have to be only available in times of tragedy. People lend support for good things too. I may disagree with her in this case, but I would never assume to tell her what she needs.
    Oh good, you're here to try and, once again, tell people how to post!

    image

    OP - your thread will probably get derailed at this point because snowywinter just comes to argue with posters for stating their opinions and believe she is in a position to tell everyone how to post.  
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    TrixieJessthespeshulestsnowflakeNowIAmSyp
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    lillyodom said:
    Thank you for the helpful tips, some more than others. I don't ask someone to be a bridesmaid to show up sober, in good spirits in a dress I picked out, I can hire anyone to do that. I choose friends who are going to be supportive throughout the entire process because that's how I am with my friends and they appreciated it. Without having to go into massive details of our friendship there is more to my decision than just I thought she would be too far. I've apologized but I'm not kissing her ass when 95% of the time she doesn't show up for me. And I am unsure of how I was supposed to respond when she asked me who I did ask because I definitely didn't rub it in her face. I'm just going to let it go and hopefully she will understand.
    I think you've shown the real problem here. It sounds like you don't really care that much about this friendship.

    You did something really hurtful. If you are so resentful of her that you can't be bothered make amends, you should reevaluate why you care about the friendship at all. 
    ShesSoColdHeffalump
  • If you could pay people to stand next to you on your wedding as your nearest and dearest, do that instead of what you are planning. At least that way your friends won't be hurt by asking to honor them and then turning around and demanding a bunch of things of them. Also, support discussion aside, what makes you think your friends won't already be there for you? If they are your nearest and dearest they will be happy for you whether you demand that of them or not. 
    image
    TrixieJesslc07
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited July 2015
    justsie said:
    If you could pay people to stand next to you on your wedding as your nearest and dearest, do that instead of what you are planning. At least that way your friends won't be hurt by asking to honor them and then turning around and demanding a bunch of things of them. Also, support discussion aside, what makes you think your friends won't already be there for you? If they are your nearest and dearest they will be happy for you whether you demand that of them or not. 
    So much this.

    I think a lot of brides out there, if they took a step back, would realize that their nearest and dearest friends and family members will be happy and excited for them without even being asked.  Hell they may even happily volunteer to help out with wedding things.  It is only when one starts demanding things do people get turned off and irritated.

    lillyodom[Deleted User]
  • I'm sorry there is a lot of assuming and accusing going on here. You're right a BM only should have to get a dress and stand next to you. When my friends asked me to be a BM I knew I would be throwing them a shower or bachelorette party or both because I love my friends and I just genuinely like celebrating any occasion. My friends ironically feel the same way so when I asked my gals and they said yes, they immediately started talking about showers and bachelorette party ideas with me because they are excited and want to do those things for me. I by no means expect anyone to throw anything. So I'm sorry I assumed that most peoples friends consider throwing showers and bachelorette parties when they are asked to be a BM because apparently that's not a thing, I just have an unusually supportive group of friends.

    I guess my question should have been simple rather than giving a whole scenario... "How do you handle friends who expect to be in your WP?" I know I've read from so many knotties that being a guest is an honor, but not everybody thinks that way.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    lillyodom said:

    I'm sorry there is a lot of assuming and accusing going on here. You're
    right a BM only should have to get a dress and stand next to you. When
    my friends asked me to be a BM I knew I would be throwing them a shower
    or bachelorette party or both because I love my friends and I just
    genuinely like celebrating any occasion. My friends ironically feel the
    same way so when I asked my gals and they said yes, they immediately
    started talking about showers and bachelorette party ideas with me
    because they are excited and want to do those things for me. I by no
    means expect anyone to throw anything. So I'm sorry I assumed that
    most peoples friends consider throwing showers and bachelorette parties
    when they are asked to be a BM because apparently that's not a thing, I
    just have an unusually supportive group of friends.

    I guess my question
    should have been simple rather than giving a whole scenario... "How do
    you handle friends who expect to be in your WP?" I know I've read from
    so many knotties that being a guest is an honor, but not everybody
    thinks that way.

    Well, it's nice that your friends want to do these things for you, and anyone can do them-you don't have to be a bridesmaid or MOH to organize a party for a friend who's getting married.

    That said, it still isn't okay to tell someone that you're not asking them to be in your wedding party unless they ask you about it (which isn't polite either). But you can get her on guest lists for parties, invite her to get ready with you, etc.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Just because some people's friends may not be able to or want to throw their bride friend showers or bach party does not make then less supportive or involved friends then yours.

    levioosaOliveOilsMom
  • If you need more support, buy a new bra!  I like H&M...  On a more serious note, you can hire people to help you plan, you can hire vendors/florists/buy decorations, and no one is entitled to bridal showers or bachelorettes.  However, one thing you can't buy is a true friend.  My bridesmaid (and best friend) lives two and a half hours away from me, and that's ok.  She's my friend because she is someone I can laugh with, cry with, and just be myself with.  I can hire people to make my entire wedding happen, but I could never hire someone to take the place of my friend.  Sometimes it's not the support of planning, making, baking, or doing things for you that really counts.  Sometimes it's telling you that you're being ridiculous and entitled, pushing you to reach your goals, or even just showing up sober and in a dress for your wedding day and rejoicing with you that means the most. 
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    100% of my BMs were OOT.  A plane ride at that.  Yet, somehow they were still able to provide support for me.      


    I will never for the life of me understand the thought process that BMs have to hold a bride's hand the entire time.   Groomsmen are not expected to do that.    


    ::shrugs::






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    landa10315Teddy917lc07
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