Hurt Feelings

lillyodom · July 2015

I have a close friend that lives 12 hours away and that I have grown apart from but when we are together it's like time never passed. My fiance and I have finally decided on a smaller destination wedding and I chose 3 bridesmaids and didn't chose her. She is so far I figured she might not want to have all the responsibilities of being in the wedding when she may only come to the ceremony itself. We are close enough that I felt the need to let her know and she seemed fine at first. She wanted to know who I did choose and since finding out she refuses to get back to me. She hasn't answered my phone calls and the only text I've gotten is "I need to process all of this". I have gone back and tried to see if she still wants to be in it because its obvious that even if she can't make it to anything she still wants to stand beside me and I've read where other brides let friends get ready with the WP and all that day but she won't get back with me. Where do I go from here? Was it bad taste to go back and ask if she wants to be a bridesmaid?

ShesSoCold · July 2015

lillyodom said:

I have a close friend that lives 12 hours away and that I have grown apart from but when we are together it's like time never passed. My fiance and I have finally decided on a smaller destination wedding and I chose 3 bridesmaids and didn't chose her. She is so far I figured she might not want to have all the responsibilities of being in the wedding when she may only come to the ceremony itself. We are close enough that I felt the need to let her know and she seemed fine at first. She wanted to know who I did choose and since finding out she refuses to get back to me. She hasn't answered my phone calls and the only text I've gotten is "I need to process all of this". I have gone back and tried to see if she still wants to be in it because its obvious that even if she can't make it to anything she still wants to stand beside me and I've read where other brides let friends get ready with the WP and all that day but she won't get back with me. Where do I go from here? Was it bad taste to go back and ask if she wants to be a bridesmaid?

The bolded was your first mistake - you made an assumption about how she would feel and it appears that this assumption was wrong. If you wanted her as a BM, regardless of where she lives, you should have asked her and let her decide. If you never wanted her as a BM, you should never have mentioned it at all.

Your second mistake was basically rubbing it in her face that you didn't ask her to be a BM, but you asked these other people. I know that isn't how you intended it, but that's how it could come across.

Basically, all you can do now is apologize profusely. Send her flowers, let her know that you know you were wrong and you feel like a dick, kiss her ass for a while.

Jen4948 · July 2015

Yes. The only "responsibilities" any bridesmaid has are to obtain the required outfit and show up in it on time, sober, and in good spirits. There are no other responsibilities-not planning the wedding, not going shopping with the bride or other wedding party members, not doing DIY projects for the bride, not throwing parties, nothing. Being far away doesn't mean she couldn't have handled that.

You shouldn't have "felt the need to let her know." It's never appropriate to tell someone that you're (generic throughout this paragraph) not going to invite them/ask them to be in your wedding party because it really feels like a slap across the face. If you're not going to do that, then just keep your mouth shut about it.

And having done that, asking her if she wants to be a bridesmaid now makes it sound like a consolation prize for not asking her the first time. B-listing wedding party members is just as bad as B-listing wedding guests-it makes them feel not really wanted.

The best thing you can do now is just let it go, because it remains to be seen whether she wants to be friends with you after this. You behaved rudely towards your friend and really hurt her feelings.

Maggie0829 · July 2015

You should never assume how someone may feel. You know what they say when you assume something. So basically by you assuming how she would feel you in turn caused this strain with your friend. At this point you need to take the wedding out of it and just concentrate on apologizing to your friend and mending your relationship.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

Let it go and when you do contact her, don't mention wedding stuff unless she asks about it. Talk about work, weather, dating, anything but your wedding or her being a BM. As time goes on, hopefully it won't be an issue anymore.

lillyodom · July 2015

Thank you for the helpful tips, some more than others. I don't ask someone to be a bridesmaid to show up sober, in good spirits in a dress I picked out, I can hire anyone to do that. I choose friends who are going to be supportive throughout the entire process because that's how I am with my friends and they appreciated it. Without having to go into massive details of our friendship there is more to my decision than just I thought she would be too far. I've apologized but I'm not kissing her ass when 95% of the time she doesn't show up for me. And I am unsure of how I was supposed to respond when she asked me who I did ask because I definitely didn't rub it in her face. I'm just going to let it go and hopefully she will understand.

southernbelle0915 · July 2015

I mean, if you didn't want to ask her to be a BM, fine. But FTR, there are no "responsiblities" of being a BM outside of buying a certain dress and showing up on time.

Also, I wouldn't have said "I didn't choose you because..." If someone said that to me, I'd just be like mmmkay...and you're telling me I'm second rate because? You may want to apologize for bringing that up. No explanation or excuses...just "I can see how that would have been hurtful, and I'm sorry."

From now on, I just would avoid wedding talk with her.

onefootinthebayou · July 2015

lillyodom said:
Thank you for the helpful tips, some more than others. I don't ask someone to be a bridesmaid to show up sober, in good spirits in a dress I picked out, I can hire anyone to do that. I choose friends who are going to be supportive throughout the entire process because that's how I am with my friends and they appreciated it. Without having to go into massive details of our friendship there is more to my decision than just I thought she would be too far. I've apologized but I'm not kissing her ass when 95% of the time she doesn't show up for me. And I am unsure of how I was supposed to respond when she asked me who I did ask because I definitely didn't rub it in her face. I'm just going to let it go and hopefully she will understand.

Bridesmaids are your guests of honor whom you ask to stand up for you & your fi to witness your marriage. There are no duties, jobs, or anything owed to you with this designation. By asking them to stand up for you at your wedding, you are SHOWING them how much you love them and appreciate the mutual support that they provide in their friendship or family relationship with you. They don't have to do anything else for you to be in your wedding.

Not knowing your situation, I don't want to make assumptions but it sounds like there may be friendship issues here. You don't owe anyone an explanation of why you didn't choose them to be in the WP but at the same time saying you need someone "to be supportive during the entire process" is really immature. The people you ask to be in your wedding party are your nearest and dearest and as PPs have pointed out, their only responsibility is to show up on time, sober, in the designated dress. You don't need "support" for heaven sake, you're getting married to the person of your dreams and throwing a great party! This is your responsibility, along with your Fi. Will there be stressful times? Sure! But you deal with it yourself, like an adult and don't expect your bridal party to pick up the slack.

The wedding industry likes to give the rolls of counselor, worker bee, bridal slave, unpaid help, etc to bridesmaids. This is a fallacy & is completely made up.

It sucks that your friend is making you uncomfortable by drawing attn to the fact that she was not chosen but my advice is that you reflect a little but more about what your bridal party means to you and how you can honor them rather than vice versa or you risk harming those friendships as well.

Heffalump · July 2015

lillyodom said:

Thank you for the helpful tips, some more than others. I don't ask someone to be a bridesmaid to show up sober, in good spirits in a dress I picked out, I can hire anyone to do that. I choose friends who are going to be supportive throughout the entire process because that's how I am with my friends and they appreciated it. Without having to go into massive details of our friendship there is more to my decision than just I thought she would be too far. I've apologized but I'm not kissing her ass when 95% of the time she doesn't show up for me. And I am unsure of how I was supposed to respond when she asked me who I did ask because I definitely didn't rub it in her face. I'm just going to let it go and hopefully she will understand.

Really? You could hire people to play the role of your closest friends? I was sort of feeling badly for you after the first post. I figured you simply put your foot in your mouth and made an awkward, but probably well-intentioned, faux pas. But now I think the problem is much bigger than that.

If there were unspecified other reasons you didn't ask her (that people here had no way of mind reading from your post), then it seems like not including her was a no-brainer anyway. No need to cause a lot of drama over it. Which is what you did by basically announcing that she didn't make the cut. Can you see why her feelings would be hurt?

And FTR, this isn't the Godfather: you don't do nice things for your closest friends so that you can tally up what they owe you and collect it at a later date. I am always so thankful when someone goes out of their way to do something kind for me. But if I knew that they were storing it up as some sort of friendship debt I then owed them, I'd rethink the value of that "friendship."

I would also consider the above in relationship to your future spouse. If you're going to be the type of person who thinks "I took out the trash last week so he has to do it this time" then I think you're in for a rough ride.

TrixieJess · July 2015

lillyodom said:

Thank you for the helpful tips, some more than others. I don't ask someone to be a bridesmaid to show up sober, in good spirits in a dress I picked out, I can hire anyone to do that. I choose friends who are going to be supportive throughout the entire process because that's how I am with my friends and they appreciated it. Without having to go into massive details of our friendship there is more to my decision than just I thought she would be too far. I've apologized but I'm not kissing her ass when 95% of the time she doesn't show up for me. And I am unsure of how I was supposed to respond when she asked me who I did ask because I definitely didn't rub it in her face. I'm just going to let it go and hopefully she will understand.

Honey, just a warning, this attitude will not go over well here. You do not need "support". You are getting married. Your friends are there to stand up with you as an honour, not a duty. If you need support, may I suggest:

snowywinter · July 2015

Let's not start the support debate all over again. Support doesn't have to be only available in times of tragedy. People lend support for good things too. I may disagree with her in this case, but I would never assume to tell her what she needs.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

TrixieJess said:

lillyodom said:

Thank you for the helpful tips, some more than others. I don't ask someone to be a bridesmaid to show up sober, in good spirits in a dress I picked out, I can hire anyone to do that. I choose friends who are going to be supportive throughout the entire process because that's how I am with my friends and they appreciated it. Without having to go into massive details of our friendship there is more to my decision than just I thought she would be too far. I've apologized but I'm not kissing her ass when 95% of the time she doesn't show up for me. And I am unsure of how I was supposed to respond when she asked me who I did ask because I definitely didn't rub it in her face. I'm just going to let it go and hopefully she will understand.

Honey, just a warning, this attitude will not go over well here. You do not need "support". You are getting married. Your friends are there to stand up with you as an honour, not a duty. If you need support, may I suggest:

Seriously!

For what do you need support? You're throwing a PARTY! Why on earth would you need support throughout the entire process of Throwing a Party?

TrixieJess · July 2015

snowywinter said:

Let's not start the support debate all over again. She is using the word correctly. You may disagree with her, but don't assume you know what she "needs."

No, she needs someone to reassure her that "everything will be okay" *pat on hand*. If you need this kind of "support" to get married, you may need to rethink why you are getting married and who you are getting married to if you cannot get this "support" from your future spouse.

Your WP is there to be honoured by you because they are special to you. THAT'S IT. Pick dress, wear dress, show up, party. FIN.

southernbelle0915 · July 2015

snowywinter said:

Let's not start the support debate all over again. Support doesn't have to be only available in times of tragedy. People lend support for good things too. I may disagree with her in this case, but I would never assume to tell her what she needs.

Oh good, you're here to try and, once again, tell people how to post!

OP - your thread will probably get derailed at this point because snowywinter just comes to argue with posters for stating their opinions and believe she is in a position to tell everyone how to post.

MyNameIsNot · July 2015

lillyodom said:

Thank you for the helpful tips, some more than others. I don't ask someone to be a bridesmaid to show up sober, in good spirits in a dress I picked out, I can hire anyone to do that. I choose friends who are going to be supportive throughout the entire process because that's how I am with my friends and they appreciated it. Without having to go into massive details of our friendship there is more to my decision than just I thought she would be too far. I've apologized but I'm not kissing her ass when 95% of the time she doesn't show up for me. And I am unsure of how I was supposed to respond when she asked me who I did ask because I definitely didn't rub it in her face. I'm just going to let it go and hopefully she will understand.

I think you've shown the real problem here. It sounds like you don't really care that much about this friendship.

You did something really hurtful. If you are so resentful of her that you can't be bothered make amends, you should reevaluate why you care about the friendship at all.

justsie · July 2015

If you could pay people to stand next to you on your wedding as your nearest and dearest, do that instead of what you are planning. At least that way your friends won't be hurt by asking to honor them and then turning around and demanding a bunch of things of them. Also, support discussion aside, what makes you think your friends won't already be there for you? If they are your nearest and dearest they will be happy for you whether you demand that of them or not.

Maggie0829 · July 2015

justsie said:

If you could pay people to stand next to you on your wedding as your nearest and dearest, do that instead of what you are planning. At least that way your friends won't be hurt by asking to honor them and then turning around and demanding a bunch of things of them. Also, support discussion aside, what makes you think your friends won't already be there for you? If they are your nearest and dearest they will be happy for you whether you demand that of them or not.

So much this.

I think a lot of brides out there, if they took a step back, would realize that their nearest and dearest friends and family members will be happy and excited for them without even being asked. Hell they may even happily volunteer to help out with wedding things. It is only when one starts demanding things do people get turned off and irritated.

lillyodom · July 2015

I'm sorry there is a lot of assuming and accusing going on here. You're right a BM only should have to get a dress and stand next to you. When my friends asked me to be a BM I knew I would be throwing them a shower or bachelorette party or both because I love my friends and I just genuinely like celebrating any occasion. My friends ironically feel the same way so when I asked my gals and they said yes, they immediately started talking about showers and bachelorette party ideas with me because they are excited and want to do those things for me. I by no means expect anyone to throw anything. So I'm sorry I assumed that most peoples friends consider throwing showers and bachelorette parties when they are asked to be a BM because apparently that's not a thing, I just have an unusually supportive group of friends.

I guess my question should have been simple rather than giving a whole scenario... "How do you handle friends who expect to be in your WP?" I know I've read from so many knotties that being a guest is an honor, but not everybody thinks that way.

Jen4948 · July 2015

lillyodom said:
I'm sorry there is a lot of assuming and accusing going on here. You're
right a BM only should have to get a dress and stand next to you. When
my friends asked me to be a BM I knew I would be throwing them a shower
or bachelorette party or both because I love my friends and I just
genuinely like celebrating any occasion. My friends ironically feel the
same way so when I asked my gals and they said yes, they immediately
started talking about showers and bachelorette party ideas with me
because they are excited and want to do those things for me. I by no
means expect anyone to throw anything. So I'm sorry I assumed that
most peoples friends consider throwing showers and bachelorette parties
when they are asked to be a BM because apparently that's not a thing, I
just have an unusually supportive group of friends.

I guess my question
should have been simple rather than giving a whole scenario... "How do
you handle friends who expect to be in your WP?" I know I've read from
so many knotties that being a guest is an honor, but not everybody
thinks that way.

Well, it's nice that your friends want to do these things for you, and anyone can do them-you don't have to be a bridesmaid or MOH to organize a party for a friend who's getting married.

That said, it still isn't okay to tell someone that you're not asking them to be in your wedding party unless they ask you about it (which isn't polite either). But you can get her on guest lists for parties, invite her to get ready with you, etc.

Maggie0829 · July 2015

Just because some people's friends may not be able to or want to throw their bride friend showers or bach party does not make then less supportive or involved friends then yours.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

If you need more support, buy a new bra! I like H&M... On a more serious note, you can hire people to help you plan, you can hire vendors/florists/buy decorations, and no one is entitled to bridal showers or bachelorettes. However, one thing you can't buy is a true friend. My bridesmaid (and best friend) lives two and a half hours away from me, and that's ok. She's my friend because she is someone I can laugh with, cry with, and just be myself with. I can hire people to make my entire wedding happen, but I could never hire someone to take the place of my friend. Sometimes it's not the support of planning, making, baking, or doing things for you that really counts. Sometimes it's telling you that you're being ridiculous and entitled, pushing you to reach your goals, or even just showing up sober and in a dress for your wedding day and rejoicing with you that means the most.

lyndausvi · July 2015

100% of my BMs were OOT. A plane ride at that. Yet, somehow they were still able to provide support for me.

I will never for the life of me understand the thought process that BMs have to hold a bride's hand the entire time. Groomsmen are not expected to do that.

::shrugs::

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