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Wedding Woes

Fiance's family: Do I visit them after the wedding or have nothing to do with them?

*Sorry this is so long.

Some background. My FI lived with his Mother, brother, and sister when I met him. All three kids were fully grown and all had full time jobs. My FI is the only one that did anything; he cleaned, bought groceries for everyone, took out the trash, and cooked. My MIL and her two other children never did anything. My MIL sat on the couch watching tv all day and all night. Her two children would "borrow" money from my FI every week and never return it. My FI made less money that his brother and sister did combined. My MIL got $2000 a month from SSA. Everyone used my FI and since I have been dating and even living with him, they have not included me in anything or made me feel like a part of the family.

From the first time I met my future mother in law, I didn't like her. She is only concerned about herself, she lies, talks bad about people, and is very mean. For the sake of my FI, I treated my MIL with respect and kindness. After FI and I had been together for awhile, some things happened and I was homeless. My FI lived with his mother, brother(25), and sister(27). My FI asked his mom if I could move in with them. Everyone contributed to rent (they lived in an apartment) and she said that he paid rent and it was his room, so if I wanted to move in it was ok. I moved in early December. At this time, I didn't have a job. In late January I got a job and felt that I should also contribute to the rent. I was making minimum wage working 35hrs a week (which is considered full time). Since I was never asked to contribute to rent, I decided to give $50 a month (all the siblings paid $100/month).

 FI and I got engaged in early March. However, I was estranged from my family and FI and I really wanted to live on our own before we told people we were engaged. My MIL said she couldn't afford rent if we moved out before the lease was up (which was not true). At the end of October, we decided it was the right time to tell people because I had made plans for our elopement and I was on speaking terms with my family. My FI told my MIL that we were going to elope and she was ok with that. Said she was happy for us and everything. I told my family that we were going to elope and they were disappointed. After talking to my FI, we decided to elope but bring our immediate family, so people would still feel included. This was the very beginning of November, my FI and I had just gotten home from work and dinner. I went to our room to shower and retire for the night while my FI talked to his mom about being included in the elopement.

Side note: We are eloping in another state, but it is only two hours away from where MIL lives.

She did not like this at all. While I was in the shower I hear my MIL yelling at my FI. I couldn't make out what she was saying. I get dressed for bed and I hear her saying mean things about me and my family. This lasted for TWO hours. I was upset and hurt because she had never met my family and I had been nothing but kind to her. I thought she may have misunderstood what was happening, so I went downstairs to where my MIL and FI were. I started to tell my MIL that I wanted her at the wedding and she very rudely cut me off. After listening to her talk bad about me again, I tried to tell her again that I wanted her to be there. And she cut me off again and started yelling at me. I raised my voice and told her I was just trying to say I wanted her to be there. But she was yelling at me, so I went outside to cool off.

After about 15 minutes I go back inside and she was STILL yelling at my FI about me. When I came inside, the first thing I did was apologize for raising my voice. She keeps yelling and just ignores me. I had been inside for less than a minute when my FI's brother comes downstairs and starts yelling at me. Saying I was ungrateful and disrespectful to their mom, I never contributed to rent, I was using my FI for his money, etc. etc.

I was so furious that I didn't even say anything and left. I came back 4 hours later and met my FI outside. The whole time I was gone he had been fighting with his mom and brother defending me. It was in the middle of the night, I was tired and upset, so when I went inside I started to go to my room. My MIL says "So what. You're just not going to talk to me anymore?" I was beyond furious and knew anything I said would turn back into  yelling, so I said, "I'm upset and don't feel comfortable talking right now." Well, that was the wrong thing to say and she started flipping out again. I didn't want to deal with it so I just went to my room. FI and I moved out two days later.

My FI was on talking terms with his family, but I needed time to get over what had happened, so I only went around for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and birthdays. In March, I had FI's family over to see the apartment and I cooked lunch. MIL was a total jerk, but I just kept my mouth shut and smiled. MIL and FI's brother have never apologized to me.

FI and I are getting married on August 8, 2015. Because we are eloping, we have to pay for each guest to come to the wedding individually ($75 per person) and we have to pay individually for dinner. We also bought the brother a tie to match FI.

In March, FI asked his family if they were going to come. They said yes, so we paid for the three of them to be there and eat dinner. Since then, they've been hinting that they weren't going to go.

FI confronted them about it last week (JULY), and they're excuse was they don't have a car to get there. They have TWO cars that run just fine and can easily make a two hour trip. But, I looked up multiple rental car companies near them where they could get a car. FI tells them the information and they say they'll look into it.

This week my FI's brother says the mom's health is bad and that if they don't go not to start a fight because her health is bad. My MIL's health is not bad! Her back has pain, but that's it. My FI's brother just doesn't want MIL's errors to be pointed out.

Basically, my FI's family is not going to our intimate wedding ceremony. My MIL made a huge deal about it when we told her the plans and talked horribly about me and my family whom she's never met. She then acted like it never happened and she never apologized. My FI's family doesn't want us to say anything to them about not going to the wedding or about what my MIL did to me last year.

Since this happened with my MIL, I have been very stressed out. I have wanted to cancel the entire wedding, and just elope with my FI like I originally planned. It's caused a lot of sleepless nights and I want nothing to do with my FI's brother and mom, but my FI does. I am extremely upset at them for what they did and confirming that they would be there and now not coming. I can't stand being around them and don't want to just act like their behavior is ok. After the wedding, do I continue to visit them, or do I just let FI go by himself? It's going to cause more issues with his family if I don't go, but it causes me stress and anger when I do see them. Is it wrong of me to not want to be around them?

Re: Fiance's family: Do I visit them after the wedding or have nothing to do with them?

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I wouldn't want to be around them, either. And I wouldn't be. Your fiancé should not expect you to be, either. I would tell him that in the future, he can spend time with them without you. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • It sounds like you guys did everything right re: FI sticking up for you, you trying to speak normally, etc.

    So, screw his family.  If his family isn't there, that is THEIR issue, not yours or FI's.  Both you and FI need to end this with a, "We really hope you'll figure out a way to attend" when it comes to the wedding and have no further discussions.  The two of you have paid for nearly everything.  What it sounds like is his family throwing shit at a wall to see what sticks in terms of excuses for not going OR another way to make you take care of them to get them there.  So, if they don't want to attend, less stress more enjoyment for you both.

    Afterwards, you'll probably just have to deal with this on a situation by situation basis.  I would attend if it were a big event, like someone's birthday, holiday, or if husband asked me specifically.  Be gracious and smile when you send husband off to see them alone.  If he asks you to come, go and be gracious and polite.  And make sure you're both on the same page when the times that "No" has to come into play.
    MNNEBrideOliveOilsMom
  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited July 2015
    GAH! SITB:

    TL;DR: OP 's fILs are very dependent on her FI for money/everything. 
    OP moved in with fILs, and eventually the shit hit the fan and there was a big fight
    OP and FI moved out and live on their own
    fILs are causing drama about coming to the "elopement" 
    OP wants to know if she needs to maintain a relationship with Ils after the wedding. 


    OP - I think you and your FI need to discuss what sort of relationship the two of you will have with your families after the wedding. Your relationship needs to remain primary, and you need to avoid the family drama. You don't mention if your FI continues to support his family (financially or otherwise) - but you guys need to level set on what is acceptable and what isn't. 

    It sounds like your FI is ultimately keeping his relationship with you as primary (standing up for you, limiting visits), which is good - but he still has a desire to stay connected with his family. You need to decide what hill you are willing to die on - can you be cordial to your ILs at major holidays for the sake of your H maintaining a relationship with them? Ultimately you need to discuss like adults, and if you can't come to an agreement, you might want to consider seeing a counselor and determine if you *can* come to a compromise, or if you're better off going your separate ways. Would be better to postpone the wedding and sort this out now than get divorced in a year due to family issues getting in the way of your relationship.  

    *Sorry this is so long.

    Some background. My FI lived with his Mother, brother, and sister when I met him. All three kids were fully grown and all had full time jobs. My FI is the only one that did anything; he cleaned, bought groceries for everyone, took out the trash, and cooked. My MIL and her two other children never did anything. My MIL sat on the couch watching tv all day and all night. Her two children would "borrow" money from my FI every week and never return it. My FI made less money that his brother and sister did combined. My MIL got $2000 a month from SSA. Everyone used my FI and since I have been dating and even living with him, they have not included me in anything or made me feel like a part of the family.

    From the first time I met my future mother in law, I didn't like her. She is only concerned about herself, she lies, talks bad about people, and is very mean. For the sake of my FI, I treated my MIL with respect and kindness. After FI and I had been together for awhile, some things happened and I was homeless. My FI lived with his mother, brother(25), and sister(27). My FI asked his mom if I could move in with them. Everyone contributed to rent (they lived in an apartment) and she said that he paid rent and it was his room, so if I wanted to move in it was ok. I moved in early December. At this time, I didn't have a job. In late January I got a job and felt that I should also contribute to the rent. I was making minimum wage working 35hrs a week (which is considered full time). Since I was never asked to contribute to rent, I decided to give $50 a month (all the siblings paid $100/month).

     FI and I got engaged in early March. However, I was estranged from my family and FI and I really wanted to live on our own before we told people we were engaged. My MIL said she couldn't afford rent if we moved out before the lease was up (which was not true). At the end of October, we decided it was the right time to tell people because I had made plans for our elopement and I was on speaking terms with my family. My FI told my MIL that we were going to elope and she was ok with that. Said she was happy for us and everything. I told my family that we were going to elope and they were disappointed. After talking to my FI, we decided to elope but bring our immediate family, so people would still feel included. This was the very beginning of November, my FI and I had just gotten home from work and dinner. I went to our room to shower and retire for the night while my FI talked to his mom about being included in the elopement.

    Side note: We are eloping in another state, but it is only two hours away from where MIL lives.

    She did not like this at all. While I was in the shower I hear my MIL yelling at my FI. I couldn't make out what she was saying. I get dressed for bed and I hear her saying mean things about me and my family. This lasted for TWO hours. I was upset and hurt because she had never met my family and I had been nothing but kind to her. I thought she may have misunderstood what was happening, so I went downstairs to where my MIL and FI were. I started to tell my MIL that I wanted her at the wedding and she very rudely cut me off. After listening to her talk bad about me again, I tried to tell her again that I wanted her to be there. And she cut me off again and started yelling at me. I raised my voice and told her I was just trying to say I wanted her to be there. But she was yelling at me, so I went outside to cool off.

    After about 15 minutes I go back inside and she was STILL yelling at my FI about me. When I came inside, the first thing I did was apologize for raising my voice. She keeps yelling and just ignores me. I had been inside for less than a minute when my FI's brother comes downstairs and starts yelling at me. Saying I was ungrateful and disrespectful to their mom, I never contributed to rent, I was using my FI for his money, etc. etc.

    I was so furious that I didn't even say anything and left. I came back 4 hours later and met my FI outside. The whole time I was gone he had been fighting with his mom and brother defending me. It was in the middle of the night, I was tired and upset, so when I went inside I started to go to my room. My MIL says "So what. You're just not going to talk to me anymore?" I was beyond furious and knew anything I said would turn back into  yelling, so I said, "I'm upset and don't feel comfortable talking right now." Well, that was the wrong thing to say and she started flipping out again. I didn't want to deal with it so I just went to my room. FI and I moved out two days later.

    My FI was on talking terms with his family, but I needed time to get over what had happened, so I only went around for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and birthdays. In March, I had FI's family over to see the apartment and I cooked lunch. MIL was a total jerk, but I just kept my mouth shut and smiled. MIL and FI's brother have never apologized to me.

    FI and I are getting married on August 8, 2015. Because we are eloping, we have to pay for each guest to come to the wedding individually ($75 per person) and we have to pay individually for dinner. We also bought the brother a tie to match FI.

    In March, FI asked his family if they were going to come. They said yes, so we paid for the three of them to be there and eat dinner. Since then, they've been hinting that they weren't going to go.

    FI confronted them about it last week (JULY), and they're excuse was they don't have a car to get there. They have TWO cars that run just fine and can easily make a two hour trip. But, I looked up multiple rental car companies near them where they could get a car. FI tells them the information and they say they'll look into it.

    This week my FI's brother says the mom's health is bad and that if they don't go not to start a fight because her health is bad. My MIL's health is not bad! Her back has pain, but that's it. My FI's brother just doesn't want MIL's errors to be pointed out.

    Basically, my FI's family is not going to our intimate wedding ceremony. My MIL made a huge deal about it when we told her the plans and talked horribly about me and my family whom she's never met. She then acted like it never happened and she never apologized. My FI's family doesn't want us to say anything to them about not going to the wedding or about what my MIL did to me last year.

    Since this happened with my MIL, I have been very stressed out. I have wanted to cancel the entire wedding, and just elope with my FI like I originally planned. It's caused a lot of sleepless nights and I want nothing to do with my FI's brother and mom, but my FI does. I am extremely upset at them for what they did and confirming that they would be there and now not coming. I can't stand being around them and don't want to just act like their behavior is ok. After the wedding, do I continue to visit them, or do I just let FI go by himself? It's going to cause more issues with his family if I don't go, but it causes me stress and anger when I do see them. Is it wrong of me to not want to be around them?


  • 1) elope means just you and fi. if other people are coming, it's just a wedding.

    2) stop trying to make them do things. if they say that don't have a car, don't research car rentals for them. if they want to behave like helpless children, let them. 

    3) if mil says that her back is bad, don't day "her back is NOT bad." it's not for you to say that her back is bad, it's not for you to say that their cars work just fine, it's not for you to say they should be able to come to the wedding.
    it's not for them to say that you are just using fi for his money, it's not for them to say that you never paid rent, it's not for them to say you are ungrateful and disrespectful.

    if you want to have a relationship with them, fine. but they have already shown you what they are like; don't expect that to change just because you are married now.
    image
    HeffalumpMesmrEweTrixieJessOliveOilsMom
  • Your FI has been around manipulators all his life it seems, time for him and you to get some counseling and learn about setting boundaries. Also, both of you need to learn to accept things as they are (especially when it comes to people), and worry about what the two of you can control instead of others.
    I wouldn't even bother with family occasions with that family, they will only invite you to get presents and money from you. Honestly, if I had bad in-laws, I'd just do my own thing when they plan something.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker

    image
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    Well, I do think that if your FI wants a relationship with his family, he does owe it to you to have your back.  So he needs to put an end to the nasty talk from your FMIL and FBIL about you and your family-now and forever.  If they try it again in the future, he has to speak up and put a firm stop to it. 

    If he won't do that, then I'd set a very firm boundary with your FI that you are not willing to be expected to spend time with his family because of their refusal to treat you with basic respect.

    MesmrEwe
  • There's a reason elopements mean running away secretly to get married.
    image
    CMGragainMesmrEwe
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited July 2015

    *Sorry this is so long.

    Some background. My FI lived with his Mother, brother, and sister when I met him. All three kids were fully grown and all had full time jobs. My FI is the only one that did anything; he cleaned, bought groceries for everyone, took out the trash, and cooked. My MIL and her two other children never did anything. My MIL sat on the couch watching tv all day and all night. Her two children would "borrow" money from my FI every week and never return it. My FI made less money that his brother and sister did combined. My MIL got $2000 a month from SSA. Everyone used my FI and since I have been dating and even living with him, they have not included me in anything or made me feel like a part of the family.

    From the first time I met my future mother in law, I didn't like her. She is only concerned about herself, she lies, talks bad about people, and is very mean. For the sake of my FI, I treated my MIL with respect and kindness. After FI and I had been together for awhile, some things happened and I was homeless. My FI lived with his mother, brother(25), and sister(27). My FI asked his mom if I could move in with them. Everyone contributed to rent (they lived in an apartment) and she said that he paid rent and it was his room, so if I wanted to move in it was ok. I moved in early December. At this time, I didn't have a job. In late January I got a job and felt that I should also contribute to the rent. I was making minimum wage working 35hrs a week (which is considered full time). Since I was never asked to contribute to rent, I decided to give $50 a month (all the siblings paid $100/month).

     FI and I got engaged in early March. However, I was estranged from my family and FI and I really wanted to live on our own before we told people we were engaged. My MIL said she couldn't afford rent if we moved out before the lease was up (which was not true). At the end of October, we decided it was the right time to tell people because I had made plans for our elopement and I was on speaking terms with my family. My FI told my MIL that we were going to elope and she was ok with that. Said she was happy for us and everything. I told my family that we were going to elope and they were disappointed. After talking to my FI, we decided to elope but bring our immediate family, so people would still feel included. This was the very beginning of November, my FI and I had just gotten home from work and dinner. I went to our room to shower and retire for the night while my FI talked to his mom about being included in the elopement.

    Side note: We are eloping in another state, but it is only two hours away from where MIL lives.

    She did not like this at all. While I was in the shower I hear my MIL yelling at my FI. I couldn't make out what she was saying. I get dressed for bed and I hear her saying mean things about me and my family. This lasted for TWO hours. I was upset and hurt because she had never met my family and I had been nothing but kind to her. I thought she may have misunderstood what was happening, so I went downstairs to where my MIL and FI were. I started to tell my MIL that I wanted her at the wedding and she very rudely cut me off. After listening to her talk bad about me again, I tried to tell her again that I wanted her to be there. And she cut me off again and started yelling at me. I raised my voice and told her I was just trying to say I wanted her to be there. But she was yelling at me, so I went outside to cool off.

    After about 15 minutes I go back inside and she was STILL yelling at my FI about me. When I came inside, the first thing I did was apologize for raising my voice. She keeps yelling and just ignores me. I had been inside for less than a minute when my FI's brother comes downstairs and starts yelling at me. Saying I was ungrateful and disrespectful to their mom, I never contributed to rent, I was using my FI for his money, etc. etc.

    I was so furious that I didn't even say anything and left. I came back 4 hours later and met my FI outside. The whole time I was gone he had been fighting with his mom and brother defending me. It was in the middle of the night, I was tired and upset, so when I went inside I started to go to my room. My MIL says "So what. You're just not going to talk to me anymore?" I was beyond furious and knew anything I said would turn back into  yelling, so I said, "I'm upset and don't feel comfortable talking right now." Well, that was the wrong thing to say and she started flipping out again. I didn't want to deal with it so I just went to my room. FI and I moved out two days later.

    My FI was on talking terms with his family, but I needed time to get over what had happened, so I only went around for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and birthdays. In March, I had FI's family over to see the apartment and I cooked lunch. MIL was a total jerk, but I just kept my mouth shut and smiled. MIL and FI's brother have never apologized to me.

    FI and I are getting married on August 8, 2015. Because we are eloping, we have to pay for each guest to come to the wedding individually ($75 per person) and we have to pay individually for dinner. We also bought the brother a tie to match FI.

    In March, FI asked his family if they were going to come. They said yes, so we paid for the three of them to be there and eat dinner. Since then, they've been hinting that they weren't going to go.

    FI confronted them about it last week (JULY), and they're excuse was they don't have a car to get there. They have TWO cars that run just fine and can easily make a two hour trip. But, I looked up multiple rental car companies near them where they could get a car. FI tells them the information and they say they'll look into it.

    This week my FI's brother says the mom's health is bad and that if they don't go not to start a fight because her health is bad. My MIL's health is not bad! Her back has pain, but that's it. My FI's brother just doesn't want MIL's errors to be pointed out.

    Basically, my FI's family is not going to our intimate wedding ceremony. My MIL made a huge deal about it when we told her the plans and talked horribly about me and my family whom she's never met. She then acted like it never happened and she never apologized. My FI's family doesn't want us to say anything to them about not going to the wedding or about what my MIL did to me last year.

    Since this happened with my MIL, I have been very stressed out. I have wanted to cancel the entire wedding, and just elope with my FI like I originally planned. It's caused a lot of sleepless nights and I want nothing to do with my FI's brother and mom, but my FI does. I am extremely upset at them for what they did and confirming that they would be there and now not coming. I can't stand being around them and don't want to just act like their behavior is ok. After the wedding, do I continue to visit them, or do I just let FI go by himself? It's going to cause more issues with his family if I don't go, but it causes me stress and anger when I do see them. Is it wrong of me to not want to be around them?

    Stop!  Warning!  Do not get married until you have both gone to counseling.  You say that you both have family issues.  Many people do, myself included, but counseling helped me get my act together and be ready for marriage.
    Your FI has lots of issues with his family, and they could easily spill over and affect your marriage.  He needs to learn to set boundaries.  This won't be easy for him.  You are asking him to choose between his broken family and you.  Not good.
    Being in love is not a good reason to get married.

    About your wedding plans - you are not eloping.  Elopements do not have ANY guests, and they are not pre-announced.  You are planning a small wedding.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    blueeyedkatMesmrEweOliveOilsMom
  • OP - the relationship that your FI wants with his family is his to decide.  Honestly, keep it limited to remind yourself as to WHY you don't want to spend a lot of time with these people if that's what your FI wants with them for a relationship. When you marry FI, his family becomes yours too and you need to develop a healthy dynamic for the two of you as a couple and potentially any children.  IMO, deep breaths, stay involved to the extent needed to support your FI. 

    IMO, the $225 for the three of these people if they choose to flake out and not attend isn't a "hill to die on" just roll with it if they choose not to attend, be sad for your FI if that happens, not your wallet. They're adults, if it's important enough for them to be there, they will. 2 hours away is not unreasonable for a DW locally.  The only real question is "did they realize that they don't have a driver's license/insurance on the vehicles" for their reason to not attend given what you've said about their ability to manage finances - it's just something to think about. 

    This all said, part of planning the wedding that deserves the most attention is planning the actual marriage. You two need to discuss these issues (amongst others INCLUDING the finances!) and make decisions.  There are many options out there for premarital counseling that are well worth the time and money invested (cheaper than a divorce and in some states you get a credit towards the cost of the marriage license if you go through this process!).. 

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    CMGragain
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