Destination wedding welcome party protocol?

Re: Destination wedding welcome party protocol?

• LondonLisa member

  

  July 2015 edited July 2015

  AWednesday said:

  Please help. Wedding is in 15 days - achk!
  
  We're having a destination wedding of 60 people. We're paying for the rehearsal dinner, wedding, and a day after brunch.
  
  The day before the wedding we want to get together with guests for lunch. Super casual- more like a, "hey, bride and groom will be at X around 2 if you want to grab a drink with them before the big day and hang out with other wedding guests". We won't be paying.
  
  Problem is -- the moms are Insisting that we include an invite in the welcome bags with an RSVP. I think this gives the impression we are paying. Also, the restaurant (where we ate before getting engaged) doesn't take reservations but has a large outdoor bar and patio. But fiance's family told guests that "a place will be reserved for our guests" without asking us, because the restaurant won't be doing that. The moms want to move it to another restaurant where they will take reservations, but we want it to be at this place which is sentimental to us. It's getting out of hand and farther from what we've originally wanted.
  
  I'm not sure what to do/how to handle the situation. Or how to word it so that guests get the right idea. HELP, please.
  
  - Stressed out bride. 
  

  I think there are a few logistical issues here. When hosting a DW, I think there is an unwritten rule that you do have to host people at least for a welcome drink. You are requiring them to spend a lot of money to attend, so you do need to host them. If I have an invitation and an RSVP I would definitely expect you to be paying. Definitely do not put this in the welcome bag. Frankly, if I am going to your destination wedding I would at least expect you to host welcome drinks (are you inviting everyone to the rehearsal dinner?). Lunch is hard to mingle with people, I would suggest you move this to a hotel bar or other area where you can put some money behind the bar and actually have a chance to chat. If money is an issue, cancel the welcome bags and use that money.

  
  

  As for seating, if you are keeping it casual, how are you able to reserve seats? You can't ask for rsvps if you aren't hosting. This is why casual drinks would be better for a sit down meal.

  
  

  As for reserving areas, I see where your parents are coming from. If you can estimate numbers, I would definitely go with a place where you can reserve an area. What happens if it is full or if your guests have to sit in another area. I would be frustrated if I was at a destination wedding, invited to lunch, had to wait 30 minutes for a table not near the bride and groom and then was presented with a bill. If it is that sentimental, you and your fi can go there after the wedding for a meal just you two. Sometimes just because a place has meaning doesn't mean it is the best logistically. 

  
  

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• STARMOON44 member

  

  July 2015

  I absolutely do not think you have to pay for the lunch, but I do think you need a plan for making it possible for people to sit together as a group, whether that's reserving a space or picking a bar where people can move around or a restaurant that isn't busy. If you can't guarantee that, then don't do this at all. You're asking people to take time out of their day to see you. You need to make sure they actually get to!
  
  If you must have it at this place, just keep telling your moms no, and suggest that if they want a lunch with reservations they organize and host that themselves, but you two will be at superspecialplace.

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• banana468 member

  

  July 2015

  Asking people to respond to an invitation implies that you're hosting something.   If you're not hosting it, remove the RSVP function.

  
  

  And FFS, I'm so tired of the "But this place has sentimental MEEAAAANNIIINNNGGG" as a reason that someone isn't going to budge and make something easier on the guests.  I don't care if you love the restaurant or if you fell in love while shoveling elephant dung in the zoo, if you want your guests to be there, find a place that make the logistics easy. 

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• Liatris2010 mod

  

  July 2015

  Do the welcome bags. In the bag include an itinerary of the hosted events. Then use word of mouth to spread that you and FI will probably be getting a drink such and such place at whatever time.

  

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• MyNameIsNot member

  

  July 2015

  If you put it in writing, you imply that you are hosting. Spread by word of mouth if you want people to pay their own way.

  
  

  I agree that I would tend toward doing this for a happy hour or at the hotel bar if you can't guarantee that guests can get a seat for lunch. But really, if you're inviting everyone to the RD, why not just make that the welcome party and enjoy your special lunch place alone?

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• banana468 member

  

  July 2015

  MyNameIsNot said:

  If you put it in writing, you imply that you are hosting. Spread by word of mouth if you want people to pay their own way.

  
  

  I agree that I would tend toward doing this for a happy hour or at the hotel bar if you can't guarantee that guests can get a seat for lunch. But really, if you're inviting everyone to the RD, why not just make that the welcome party and enjoy your special lunch place alone?

  This is what I'd do too.   Or I'd at least leave it open that you'll be there eating.   

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• Jen4948 member

  

  July 2015

  I'd let your guests know by word of mouth that you are not paying for them if they choose to join you.  I also would not move the restaurant or include anything in the welcome bags mentioning it just because your moms are insisting on it.  You can tell them that if they're going to insist on it, they can pay for it, but if not, they don't get a say.

  It does sound like your FI needs to clear up with his family that there are no reservations and to pass the word on to any guests they erroneously told this to.  I'd leave this ball in his court, since they are his family and guests.

  
  

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• SP29 member

  

  July 2015

  I am also of the camp that you are not required to host your guests extra to a DW, and I see you're already doing a brunch and rehearsal dinner. You are doing plenty already!
  
  As for this lunch- do not include any written invitation or RSVP in the welcome bags, as that implies you are hosting. Keep it to word of mouth "FI and I are having lunch at X restaurant around 2".
  
  However, I do agree that trying to have a casual, but group, sit down lunch is a logistic nightmare without hosting it. How will you be able to hang out with your guests if you and your FI are at a table of 2 and the other guests are at their own separate tables? You also have no guarantee that other patrons won't be seated in between you and your guests. Thus I agree that meeting at a bar is easier. Or just don't do it.
  

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• jacques27 member

  

  July 2015

  1.  Take "super sentimental" out of it.  It's supposed to be a casual lunch to greet your guests, not your actual vow exchange.  Your guests don't care that a year and a half ago you had a life-changing dinner there - they just want an easy, fun way of getting together with you and other people.  Have a super sentimental dinner with your FI/spouse there another time.
  
  2.  Put it in writing and asking for RSVPs imply you are hosting.  And if it's a sit-down restaurant that doesn't take reservations and there will be other guests there also trying to eat their lunch, logistically this will probably be annoying for both your guests and other patrons of the resort as you all try to get tables together, wander around to different tables to chit-chat, etc.  And then trying to organize separate checks on top of it since you aren't hosting?  It sounds like a hassle, for everyone involved, including the resort.
  
  A "casual come and join us" is more suited to either a bar or hosting it on your own by renting an event room or reserving a patio and hosting some small nibbles, lemonade, and iced tea rather than expecting a restaurant that doesn't take reservations to work around uncertain numbers.  Personally, I would have your sentimental lunch with your FI, then spread by word of mouth that you'll be hanging out at whatever bar has the largest amount of room to accommodate such a free-form group at some point afterward during a non-meal time.  Or, let the moms just pay and host for a welcome gathering themselves at a location of their choosing and you have your sentimental meal sometime else.
  

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• FutureMrsHashimoto member

  

  July 2015

  we are having a welcome bbq and are supplying all the food but having it BYOB.  there is no written rule about having or not having a welcome anything.  we just wanted to do it because we want to see everyone and thought it would be a fun and causal way for people to meet who don't already know each other before the actual wedding.  The day is about you two so do what you want.  Obviously making it as easy as possible on your guests is always a good thing to keep in mind but ultimately people are there for you and will want to see you.  

  
  

  we are asking people to rsvp to the bbq so we know how much food to buy if you're not making a reservation or paying for anything i don't really see the need of asking people to rsvp.
  

  
  

  have a blast and congrats!

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• Viczaesar member

  

  July 2015

  FutureMrsHashimoto said:

  we are having a welcome bbq and are supplying all the food but having it BYOB.  there is no written rule about having or not having a welcome anything.  we just wanted to do it because we want to see everyone and thought it would be a fun and causal way for people to meet who don't already know each other before the actual wedding.  The day is about you two so do what you want.  Obviously making it as easy as possible on your guests is always a good thing to keep in mind but ultimately people are there for you and will want to see you.  

  
  

  we are asking people to rsvp to the bbq so we know how much food to buy if you're not making a reservation or paying for anything i don't really see the need of asking people to rsvp.
  

  
  

  have a blast and congrats!

  This is a shitty motto.  And you're being a shitty host.
  

  
  
  
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  July 2015

  FutureMrsHashimoto said:

  we are having a welcome bbq and are supplying all the food but having it BYOB.  there is no written rule about having or not having a welcome anything.  we just wanted to do it because we want to see everyone and thought it would be a fun and causal way for people to meet who don't already know each other before the actual wedding.  The day is about you two so do what you want.  Obviously making it as easy as possible on your guests is always a good thing to keep in mind but ultimately people are there for you and will want to see you.  

  
  

  we are asking people to rsvp to the bbq so we know how much food to buy if you're not making a reservation or paying for anything i don't really see the need of asking people to rsvp.
  

  
  

  have a blast and congrats!

  Welcome to the etiquette board.  The first and only rule of etiquette is "Don't be an asshole."  Asking people to RSVP to an event that you're also asking them to co-host by supplying their own drink, is not nice.  If you're hosting, you should supply everything.  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  July 2015 edited July 2015

  FutureMrsHashimoto said:

  we are having a welcome bbq and are supplying all the food but having it BYOB.  there is no written rule about having or not having a welcome anything.  we just wanted to do it because we want to see everyone and thought it would be a fun and causal way for people to meet who don't already know each other before the actual wedding.  The day is about you two so do what you want.  Obviously making it as easy as possible on your guests is always a good thing to keep in mind but ultimately people are there for you and will want to see you.  

  
  

  we are asking people to rsvp to the bbq so we know how much food to buy if you're not making a reservation or paying for anything i don't really see the need of asking people to rsvp.
  

  
  

  have a blast and congrats!

  BYOB is not appropriate-especially for a destination event.
  

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• JoanE2012 member

  

  July 2015

  I'm in the camp that if you're having a DW, the guests should be hosted for more than just the dinner.  It sounds like you're doing that with a rehearsal dinner and day after brunch.  I don't think you need to pay for this lunch.  But no invites, no RSVP.  

  
  

  I do think it's important, though, that if you spread the word that you'll be at a certain place for lunch, that there is enough space to accommodate everyone who will want to sit in the same area as you.  If you can't do this at this sentimental restaurant, I'd find a different restaurant.  Accommodating guests who travel far and spend lots of money trumps the sentimental value of this restaurant.  Have dinner there the night after your wedding.  Or a couple days before.  Or whenever.  Your guests aren't going to care that "ooohhh, this is the place where AWednesday and FI got engaged!".  Sorry, but it really doesn't matter to anyone but you and FI.

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