Open bar/ cash bar

onefootinthebayou · July 2015

I'm going to indulge OP for a second here.

It seems like an obvious point and PPs have made it but just because you didn't know something was rude, doesn't make it not rude.

I grew up going to and being in weddings. I've only been to one with a cash bar and although I didn't realize at the time it was an etiquette breach, I did find it annoying.

Then I joined TK forums while I was planning my own wedding. Although I had never planned on a cash bar (it seemed common sense that your guests shouldn't have to pay for anything at your wedding) I learned that cash bars are rude and WHY. That's the beauty of learning. Didn't know something, now I do.

TBH, I also didn't know that the reception is a "thank you" to your guests for witnessing your wedding ceremony. I never gave it much thought before and just thought it was a big party to celebrate the wedding. TK helped me re-frame my thinking and helped me be more thoughtful in planning our reception.

I know you're not doing a cash bar, and your instincts are right on but it's a mistake to confuse etiquette with opinion, excuse poor etiquette b/c it's a "regional" thing, or make broad assumptions that "no one was offended" in any circumstance.

banana468 · July 2015

julieanne912 said:

I've never once been offended by a cash bar, even though I believe it's the hosts job to provide everything to the guest, including the liquor if you so choose to have that as part of the reception. FI told me that our wedding will be the first he's ever been to where there WASN'T a cash bar.

But, I am not everyone. So just because you personally aren't offended by something, doesn't mean it's not rude. And no, nobody will go up and say to the host that they did something that offended them, that doesn't mean it didn't annoy somebody.

I wouldn't say I was "offended". Things that offend me are often larger-scale issues.

But I will say that cash bars annoy me. And I've been to a few that are bait and switch or ones that charge for non alcoholic drinks. And those annoy me more.

My annoyance is my own opinion. But knowing that cash bars are improper is a fact - not a matter of opinion.

lyndausvi · July 2015

Let's see, I've been going to weddings since the mid-70's. I average about 2 a year. I've attended weddings in a dozen states and a few countries.

A few months ago I went to my first bait and switch wedding. It sucked going for your 2nd wine and find out this time you have to pay. 1.5 hours into the wedding mind you, it's not like I was pounding drinks. ETA - all the other weddings were open bar. Some were just beer and wine, some added well drinks, still others had the full blown top shelf.

In addition to ones I've attended. For the last 20 years I've worked weddings as a server or bartender (in various states and islands). One place I worked we averaged over a hundred weddings a year. I worked there for over ten years. Only once was there a cash wedding. It was a DW where the couple underestimated how many would attend and had to cut the bar. The traveling guests were PISSED. They did not bitch to the couple. No, they are not that rude. The just bitched to the staff. That was fun.

I grew up with poor grandparents. They lived during the depression. Yet, even with their lack of money they would never dream of making their guests pay for anything. They were not in debt, but somehow ALWAYS had beer, whiskey, crab cakes and chocolate cookies around for when guests arrived. They taught all their kids and grandkids the same thing. Hosting means your guests pay for nothing. They are not required to bring anything. Hosts do just that. HOST. The size or even the reason for the event is completely irrelevant. We host Mother's day the same as a wedding.

Sure our parties were not at the Ritz, they could not afford that. Nope our parties were at church halls (Catholic, we drink with the nuns and priests), fire halls even backyards. Outside of the first few minutes no one gives a shit about the pretty venue. Nope all the care about is the food, beverages and hanging out with their family and friends. Location doesn't matter.

sparklepants41 · July 2015

I just don't understand, when there is a well-written, extremely informative thread at the top of the Etiquette board that describes exactly why it is rude to have a cash bar, WHY this thread even exists.

Jen4948 · July 2015

Cash bars are just not appropriate. They say to your guests, "I can't be bothered to host you properly, so I'm making you pay for your own thank-you for attending MY DAY."

It's insulting. There are ways to trim the budget or avoid providing alcohol without expecting your guests to open your wallets. If you think that they're going to be pissed off because you're not providing paid-for alcohol and buy their own, they're being rude to you.

southernbelle0915 · July 2015

banana468 said:

julieanne912 said:

I've never once been offended by a cash bar, even though I believe it's the hosts job to provide everything to the guest, including the liquor if you so choose to have that as part of the reception. FI told me that our wedding will be the first he's ever been to where there WASN'T a cash bar.

But, I am not everyone. So just because you personally aren't offended by something, doesn't mean it's not rude. And no, nobody will go up and say to the host that they did something that offended them, that doesn't mean it didn't annoy somebody.

I wouldn't say I was "offended". Things that offend me are often larger-scale issues.

But I will say that cash bars annoy me. And I've been to a few that are bait and switch or ones that charge for non alcoholic drinks. And those annoy me more.

My annoyance is my own opinion. But knowing that cash bars are improper is a fact - not a matter of opinion.

Im offended by them. Because I loom around at everything they spent money on and I get offended that roses & lilies > properly hosting me; a big limo > thanking me for coming to their wedding....

Basically I judge everything and I'm offended that they prioritized other stuff over hosting me.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

julieanne912 said:

I've never once been offended by a cash bar, even though I believe it's the hosts job to provide everything to the guest, including the liquor if you so choose to have that as part of the reception. FI told me that our wedding will be the first he's ever been to where there WASN'T a cash bar.

But, I am not everyone. So just because you personally aren't offended by something, doesn't mean it's not rude. And no, nobody will go up and say to the host that they did something that offended them, that doesn't mean it didn't annoy somebody.

HAHHAHA Actually funny story. My hubbys aunt walked up to my mom at our reception (mind you FI and I paid for and planned everything) and told her it was unacceptable to not have any coffee offered. My mother replied with it was the kids choice.. aunts response "well at your age you should have known better" What in the actual F?!?!?!?!?! Mom waited till we got back from honeymoon to share that story.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

Wait! Isn't BreezyMac100315 the person who wasn't going to pay for the shower and told MOH she shouldn't have to then went ahead and paid but backed out of Bachelorette party?

lyndausvi · July 2015

RachelLee83 said:

Wait! Isn't BreezyMac100315 the person who wasn't going to pay for the shower and told MOH she shouldn't have to then went ahead and paid but backed out of Bachelorette party?

yes

loveislouder · July 2015

Cash bar story - I went to my cousin's wedding a couple years back. His new wife insisted on a cash bar because it's not her "responsibility to pay for other people wanting to get drunk." Kay, whatever, I didn't drink anyway.

Fast forward to our wedding, we invite them. I get a snarky phone call demanding to know if we're having a cash bar before they RSVP because if we're having a cash bar they're not making the trip. They're only coming if there's free booze. Cue jaw drop.

Side note: Of course we had an open bar. Cash was never an option.

TrixieJess · July 2015

loveislouder said:

Cash bar story - I went to my cousin's wedding a couple years back. His new wife insisted on a cash bar because it's not her "responsibility to pay for other people wanting to get drunk." Kay, whatever, I didn't drink anyway.

Fast forward to our wedding, we invite them. I get a snarky phone call demanding to know if we're having a cash bar before they RSVP because if we're having a cash bar they're not making the trip. They're only coming if there's free booze. Cue jaw drop.

Side note: Of course we had an open bar. Cash was never an option.

I would have told her it was a cash bar. Payback is a bitch!

randomslove · July 2015

1. OP, you do not get to control how others see your posts. Therefore, don't order people to leave your post. That's rude.

2. Cash bars are rude, and I have seen posts here about how no one said anything to the couple, but people talked amongst themselves about it being rude.

loveislouder · July 2015

TrixieJess said:

loveislouder said:

Cash bar story - I went to my cousin's wedding a couple years back. His new wife insisted on a cash bar because it's not her "responsibility to pay for other people wanting to get drunk." Kay, whatever, I didn't drink anyway.

Fast forward to our wedding, we invite them. I get a snarky phone call demanding to know if we're having a cash bar before they RSVP because if we're having a cash bar they're not making the trip. They're only coming if there's free booze. Cue jaw drop.

Side note: Of course we had an open bar. Cash was never an option.

I would have told her it was a cash bar. Payback is a bitch!

...Why didn't I think of that. That would have just been smart.

Maggie0829 · July 2015

loveislouder said:

TrixieJess said:

loveislouder said:

Cash bar story - I went to my cousin's wedding a couple years back. His new wife insisted on a cash bar because it's not her "responsibility to pay for other people wanting to get drunk." Kay, whatever, I didn't drink anyway.

Fast forward to our wedding, we invite them. I get a snarky phone call demanding to know if we're having a cash bar before they RSVP because if we're having a cash bar they're not making the trip. They're only coming if there's free booze. Cue jaw drop.

Side note: Of course we had an open bar. Cash was never an option.

I would have told her it was a cash bar. Payback is a bitch!

...Why didn't I think of that. That would have just been smart.

I would said "Of course it is an open bar. I would be rude ass bitch if I were to have a cash bar!"

julieanne912 · July 2015

loveislouder said:

TrixieJess said:

loveislouder said:

Cash bar story - I went to my cousin's wedding a couple years back. His new wife insisted on a cash bar because it's not her "responsibility to pay for other people wanting to get drunk." Kay, whatever, I didn't drink anyway.

Fast forward to our wedding, we invite them. I get a snarky phone call demanding to know if we're having a cash bar before they RSVP because if we're having a cash bar they're not making the trip. They're only coming if there's free booze. Cue jaw drop.

Side note: Of course we had an open bar. Cash was never an option.

I would have told her it was a cash bar. Payback is a bitch!

...Why didn't I think of that. That would have just been smart.

I would have told her it was a dry wedding.

banana468 · July 2015

TrixieJess said:

loveislouder said:

Cash bar story - I went to my cousin's wedding a couple years back. His new wife insisted on a cash bar because it's not her "responsibility to pay for other people wanting to get drunk." Kay, whatever, I didn't drink anyway.

Fast forward to our wedding, we invite them. I get a snarky phone call demanding to know if we're having a cash bar before they RSVP because if we're having a cash bar they're not making the trip. They're only coming if there's free booze. Cue jaw drop.

Side note: Of course we had an open bar. Cash was never an option.

I would have told her it was a cash bar. Payback is a bitch!

I would have said, "Really? You made me pay for booze at your wedding. Don't worry. It's an open bar and I promise you that your drinks will be really watery."

sparklepants41 · July 2015

banana468 said:

TrixieJess said:

loveislouder said:

Cash bar story - I went to my cousin's wedding a couple years back. His new wife insisted on a cash bar because it's not her "responsibility to pay for other people wanting to get drunk." Kay, whatever, I didn't drink anyway.

Fast forward to our wedding, we invite them. I get a snarky phone call demanding to know if we're having a cash bar before they RSVP because if we're having a cash bar they're not making the trip. They're only coming if there's free booze. Cue jaw drop.

Side note: Of course we had an open bar. Cash was never an option.

I would have told her it was a cash bar. Payback is a bitch!

I would have said, "Really? You made me pay for booze at your wedding. Don't worry. It's an open bar and I promise you that your drinks will be really watery."

I would say "It's open bar for everyone, except those who had a cash bar at their wedding."

Open bar/ cash bar

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